A/n: So this wasn't requested but it was on my mind recently (and there's not enough x readers for Kaz 😭🙁) This also as a kinda panic attack in it and I just did it the way I know but I did do some research so I'm sorry if I offended anyone! So if you read my last Kaz brekker imagine you it's basically the same character/reader but it's later so you know the crows So I'll do this and then probably finish the other requests I got then I might do a part 2 to the how to rip my heart out if I get some more requests... 😈😈😈
Also! I'm not trying to romanticize self harm! I'm just giving an outlet for people who maybe need it, remember you are enough and there are always people to talk to! If you need to I'm right here and you can talk to me!
Warnings: fluff, language, reader has powers, mentions of killing, threats, injuries, mentions of trauma, some angst, the reader doesn't think very good things about herself, blood, bodies, panic attack, SEXUAL ABUSE, THE MENAGERIE, abuse, self harm, MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING it has Kaz in the title so... (I think that's it) You have been warned!
Summary: You have a nightmare and it shakes you up a little and Kaz finds out the events that happen after.
All rights go to the author of six of crows for the characters, you because I don't own you and I just own the plot. (Unfortunately 😁😈😭)
Onward!
Into the dreamland;
The Rietveld Farm was on fire and I can see five bodies that litter the floor piled on top of each other like pieces of useless garbage thrown out like an orphan into a dumpster. I quickly recognize them as the bodies of the crows (expect Kaz's) and their bodies looked like someone came over and shot a light threw them and cut them in half. In a felting terrifying moment I realize I must have killed them with the size of those burns through those bodies and the size of the cuts.
I step back as terror curls threw me, and I keep on stepping back till I fall threw the open door of the Rietveld farm house (that was on fire.)
I walk around the house in a haze or a trance and the fire seemingly doesn't burn me as I slowly walk and examine every room. I feel a pull towards a room and the doors closed. Opening the door, the metal of the door handle burns me but I don't jump back like I would usually do I keep forward and open the door.
Kaz is on a rocking chair and in a felting moment I realize that this must have been his old childhood room. I look around the room a bit more avoiding looking or even glancing at Kaz then I finally look at him and I am horrified.
He's on the rocking chair but his good leg was twisted at ugly angles and he had cuts all over his body, his arms were tied to the head board and his wrists looked bloody. He had burns all over his body and he had claw marks all over him making him slowly bleed out, it would take days or even a week for him to finally die.
And then I realize that the claw marks were from me.
I quickly start backing away, no, no, no, no, no! This could not be happening! I don't remember doing this!
The door behind me slams shut and I'm thrown forward right on the floor beneath Kaz. He looks at me with a dead look in his eyes.
"Your a monster." He whispers. My eyes slowly fill with tears and I see the light slowly fading from his eyes. No! I could leave him to die like this!
I untie his wrist in a fast pace and I take him into my arms and he looks at me with fear and tries to get away. He struggles and yells at me but I know I have to heal him.
I heal him with my moonlight magic and he slowly stops struggling but his topaz eyes are still full of fear.
Then as quick as lightning striking the ground he whips out a knife and plunges it into my heart. The world seemed to spin as I see the sneer on his face. He takes me up by me shoulders as I fall on my back.
"Stay dead, stay away from people because you only ever hurt them." Kaz hissed. And that's all I see is his uncaring face as my vision dives into darkness.
I slam my body forward and my breath comes in uneven amounts. My brain is fuzzy and it's hard to distinguish reality. I shakily stand up from the bed. A bed? Where am I? Did that really happen?
I stubble towards a dresser and lean heavily against it. Fuck.
I gasp for breath trying to get air in my corrupted lungs.
Breath in 1 hold 2, 3 out 4. Breath in 1, hold 2, 3, 4, 5 out 1, in 2, out 1, in, and then in again. No, that wasn't right.
I stubble and scuffle my feet on the ground as I drag them towards the bathroom. I run the water and I splash some on my face but that only surprise's me. I fly backwards at the feeling of cold water on my skin like the way the men in the menagerie used to touch me. Cold uncaring hands all over a 9 year old girl wandering over her skin in places never to be touched by men like them.
Some stuff falls from their selves and I sit on the ground trying to catch my breath. I unsteadily I scratch my arms trying to get the feeling to go away.
The feeling of being used.
The feeling of never being enough.
I drag myself over from the wall and punch the bathroom mirror of where ever I am. It shatters.
The feeling of being touched so wrongly.
I puke my guts out into the sink and it got to the point I'm just puking blood.
The feeling of knowing it was my fault for not fighting them off.
The feeling of when I finally had freedom I knew I would never truly be free.
The feeling of disgust the first time I let the beast out and enjoyed killing all those people.
I find I big and sharp enough shard of the mirror and I roll my sleeve up and cut across my skin semi-deep. But nearly enough. I do another one deeper this time and I feel the pain and I smile but it's not enough.
The feeling of being a monster.
Monster, write that you are a monster, broken and never to healed, never to be loved . The voice hissed. Write I would.
I take the shard and in my other arm I write.
Broken.
corrupted.
Monster.
The blood runs over my arm and I stare blankly at it, not feeling any emotions anymore emotionless.
My breaths start to slow down and I finally realize where I am.
I'm in the slat in Kaz's room. My face instantly pales.
I grab a towel and cover the engraved words in my arms, just about as I'm going to start freaking out I hear the familiar creak of the door opening, and the familiar click of a cane making contact with the floor.
Shit.
"Y/n?" I confused voice calls out to me and my worst dreams have come true.
It's definitely Kaz.
I quickly get to the door of the bathroom and slam it shut hiding the mess of blood, glass and who knows what in there. I pull the sleeve on the arm with just two cuts and I place the cloth over the one with engraved writing in my skin and pull my sleeve and I button them both up.
I walk a little towards his desk.
"Right over here!" I call to Kaz having a slightly unsteady voice. Fuck.
Kaz whips around and limps over to me with a worried expression on his face. I smile and that's when the pain of my wounds catch up to me and my grin falters a little but it's back up on my face in a flash.
"You okay?" He says placing a ungloved hand on my shoulder but I flinch away and avert my eyes to the ground.
"Fine." My voice cracks a little. Damn it, I was doing so good.
Kaz looks at me then he's eye's dart around the room, to the ruffled blankets, to the slightly pushed desk, to the closed bathroom door. Kaz looks back at me and raise's his eyebrow. I shift my weight to my other foot nervously.
"No." I dead pan trying desperately to cut off any suspicion within him. His face morphs into one of surprised then his face morphs into one of worry and horror. He takes my arm and I can see the blood of the two cuts I made there. Oh no.
"Y/n your bleeding!" Kaz kinda yells panicking a bit. I take wait correction I try to take my arm back but his grip is a bit stronger than usual and he drags me to the bathroom and opens the door.
"No!" I shout but it's too late I hear Kaz's suck in a breath and he takes some stuff from the bathroom slowly trying to avoid all the shards of glass and stuff every where. He takes some cream, and some bandages and he walks/limps back over to me. He carefully places all the medical supplies on the bed and lead me there as well. I seem to be in a haze while he starts to lift up the sleeve with just 2 cuts.
Kaz puts some cream on them and I wince in pain as it stings but I keep my arm still. He than starts unbuttoning my other sleeve and he rolls it up and gently takes the towel off.
"Y/n." I hear him say and it's full of agony and worry.
I finally look into his topaz greenish eyes and I burst into tears.
He gently places the cream on and starts to bandage them both up, as I sob my heart out.
Weak. A voice hiss's.
Kaz then pulls me into his arms and I sob into his chest.
"Cut me instead." He whispers.
"What?" I question looking up at him in confusion.
'If you feel like you need to cut yourself cut me instead." He says looking down at me.
"No! I can't do that! That would hurt you!" I exclaim in a bit of fury.
"Then why can you do it to yourself?"
I freeze all of what I have done and what I have become catching up to me. And the tears start again.
"Just promise me something." I nod my head because really I would do anything for him.
"If you feel like this again come talk to someone whether it be me, Inej, Nina, Jesper, Wylan, Matthias, come talk to one of us please." I just look up at him.
"Okay," I whisper.
We lay down on the bed together but I start to sit up.
"The bathroom..." I start to trail off. Kaz just shakes his head.
"We can clean that tomorrow." He says and I lay down and cuddle into him, the night slowly comes and I slowly fall asleep with Kaz by my side.
And a new day will come.
A/n: So that's that! Please send me some requests! I also did the ending on my phone so I cut it short a bit 😅 but I hope you guys like it! 🤗