CHARLIE
Being with Harry – and I mean really being with him, no tours or screaming fans or CD signings or any of that, just cuddled up in bed or on the sofa, my head in the curve of his shoulder and his tattooed arms wrapped around me – was like watching a great movie. From start to finish you’re transported into another world where nothing or nobody else exists, you’re in that moment and its perfect, slipped from your life to experience someone else’s. You may laugh or cry but throughout you love it and you’re totally present, captivated through its entirety. But all movies at some point end, and when you’re overcome by its brilliance and the screen fades to black there is often a feeling of disappointment washing over you; a sadness fueled by the realization that the journey has ceased and you have to move on with your life and leave those characters and their stories behind. That emptiness and sense of ‘well, what do I do now?’ was exactly how I felt this morning – the screen of Harry’s phone lit up and suddenly I saw the curtains close and the credits began to roll.
It was a Monday, but everyday during break felt like an endless Sunday morning. We’d spent the last week off doing exactly this, absorbing each other. The ten of us got Chinese take out and sat around the living room in our pyjamas telling stories and laughing and living easily. And every morning was like the Sandals vacation commercials where the couples wake up on a fluffy white bed in the middle of the beach, except we were in a flat in cold little London. This morning started just like that, and then hit a downward spiral.
The sun was streaming in the window reflecting brightly from the crisp white snow that blanketed London as our slumber was interrupted by the hum of a buzz, Harry’s iPhone sliding shakily across the bedside table on my side. He leant over me, his bare body pressed against mine as he fished blindly for the phone. I peeked at him through my tired eyes and saw his own closed, but his brows furrowed in struggle – he was so cute. Grabbing it triumphantly, he lifted his body from mine and sat up in bed, I did the same crawling to his side and cuddling into him as both our sleepy eyes focused on the blue glow of the screen, in bold block letters ‘MANAGEMENT’ came into focus, flashing across the screen. Harry released a deep sighed breath as he pressed the green button and I lightly shut my eyes.
“Hello?” his husky voice filled the silence as I focused on the purr coming from the receiver. The voice on the other end sounded statically exciting, spitting out numbers and dates but the rest I couldn’t make out.
“Sounds great, looking forward to it,” Harry said ending the phone call, his eyes landing on my own as I waited expectantly.
“Well, that was management…” his voice trailed and I smirked up at him, “oh, really?” he laughed lightly before continuing “the numbers for the tour came in, it was a huge success and they want us to go out on tour again,” his eyes sparkled as he spoke but there was a faint, distant dull that dimmed the usually magnificent stars.
“Really? That’s wonderful! Where?”
“America,” he said quietly and my eyes widened with excitement but also desolation.
“What?” I gasp-spat.
“Yeah, wild right? I still can’t even… we’re opening up for some American band but they say it will be great promotion, their fans will become our fans and we’ll be… huge.”
“Huge… in America?” a dumbfounded laugh escaped my lips, “I can’t believe it… you - you guys are going to conquer America?!” I jumped up from my spot on the bed taking his hands and he was on his feet, jumping around the king sized mattress like two children waking their parents on Christmas morning except he in his white Calvin’s and me in absentminded matching Victoria’s. He threw his head back laughing, a cupcake kindergarten grin spread across his face as he grabbed me by my waist and lifted my body to his. I fell into the motion fluidly, snaking my arms around his neck as he dropped to the bed, a leg straddled on either side of his I planted a celebratory kiss on the surface of his blusher pink lips. I found my hands grabbing fistfuls of his moppy curls and felt him tremble beneath me. I pulled away and bit my lip; smiling stupidly down at him when suddenly I felt my face pale.
“When.”
“What?” Harry’s smile faded as his brows furrowed at the word.
“When. When do you leave me?” I choked; my own words were the reason for my tears appearing, welling under the blues of my eyes. Harry’s hand brushed across my cheek as he held my jaw in the palm of his hand, wiping away the fallen star of a tear that had dripped down my face with the pad of his thumb.
“Tomorrow.”
My heart dropped immediately upon caving in, and like diving into a pool of deep water and desperately shooting back up to the surface my heart was knotted up in my throat. I lost all feeling in my body. My vision started to blur with wetness and my lips parted but nothing came out. The single tear turned into a constant stream, pouring down my blank flushed face.
HARRY
The most painful thing is to see tears rolling down the face of the one you love as they sit silently in front of you looking absolutely helpless. The silence hurt the most. My face fell as I hung my head, looking and my hands in my lap. Time passed but I had no true sense of it. She could easily come with me but we both knew it wasn’t going to happen. Tears drawing down her cheeks dripped from her chin and splattered like a microscopic water balloon as it crashed against my skin. I looked up at her finally to meet her big wet puppy dog eyes, and even through the tears she finally fought to smile kindly at me, taking her hand and threading her fingers with mine and giving it a squeeze.
“Okay,” she said quietly in acceptance, “how long?”
“22 days, 15 shows… it will fly Charlie, promise.”
She nodded, pressing her lips together in a fine line before her body collapsed into mine. I cradled her; her sobs were silent but the tears were streaming continually, the sight of them creating my own.
“It will fly,” she repeated almost inaudibly, her voice muffled as her face snuggled into my chest.
“It will fly…”
CHARLIE
That was this morning, and ever since I was holding tightly to the next 24 hours, gripping at it with white knuckles desperate to make it last and like any day I wanted to cherish, the time ran quickly, slipping through my fingers like a handful of sand. The day turned into holding each other while we could and the night turned to filling empty suitcases, one by one I used my Topshop employment to my advantage folding his graphic tees expertly as he crouched in front of his open closet tossing garments over his shoulder. Each time I placed one in the bottom of the bag I wanted to be that t-shirt more than I wanted to breathe. That’s how desperate I was, I wanted to be a goddamn t-shirt, because at least these stupid t-shirts weren’t being left behind, they got to cling to his body and lay on the floor next to where he slept and follow him like his shadow, and quite frankly that was better than being across the pond. These fucking t-shirts had me beat. And all this time I knew this was coming, but the one week between this tour and the last seemed so short, and I knew even more to my displeasure that time apart would drag on in a way that time together never seemed to. The boys were met in the kitchen discussing American cities they would spend the next three weeks, picking out their favorite songs from their tour to bring to the US, songs that they’d hope would represent them in a way to gain them new fans in cities they’d never been to. I’d finished packing all of Harry’s clothes, sitting on top of the overstuffed luggage, struggling to zipper it shut. A part of me wanted to dump out the contents and zip myself in, but the truth is if I wanted to go I could. It was always an option. I could just be with him if I didn’t want to go to university or make my own money, two things that when dating Harry Styles seemed kind of pointless, but nevertheless I felt as if I owed myself that. When I’d finally gotten the zip all the way around, I fell back on the bed exhaling sharply. It wasn’t until then that I’d realized how tired I was, my heavy eyelids draping over my sleepy eyes. A single lamp lit the room with warm light as I drifted off to darkness of my own, awakened eventually by Harry’s return. As the door creaked open so did my eyes ever so slightly, peering at him as he shook his head sleepily, raking his mess of curls with his long fingers that extended from his large hands. I blinked tiredly allowing my eyes to open and he sent me a tiny smile, drawn up on one side crookedly revealing a single dimple. Sitting on the edge of the bed he slipped off his jeans and tore off his t-shirt, crawling over to my side of the bed and dropping his body beside mine cuddling into my awaiting arms. He rested his head in the crook of my neck, burying his head into my hair he inhaled deeply as he closed his eyes slowly, his eyelashes brushing against the skin on my neck.
“I’m memorizing you,” he said in his raspy deep tired voice and admittedly my eyes welled up slightly but I blinked them away before he could spot my weakness, opening his eyes into mine.
I bent my neck and kissed him straight on the lips before wrapping my arms around him and resting my chin on the top of his curly little head as he breathed in the smell of my hair and held onto the feel of my skin. All I could think about was that I needed him and that he was leaving me. I knew it was for the best – this could make or break his career, and as much as I didn’t want to I had to let him go.
Morning came quickly with the sound of Harry’s alarm, the two of us stirring out of our dreams far earlier than normal. With an extended arm of his impressive wingspan he turned off the alarm and took me by the hips, pulling me atop his body. Looking up at me he kissed my nose repeatedly, my cheeks, then to the corner of my mouth before he planted kisses lightly on my lips, than harder and fiercer. My hands pressed against his bare chest as he left my lips and kissed down my chin to my jawline and then just at the point where my jaw meets my neck. I let out a hushed quiet moan and his lips smiled against my skin, flipping me over with one swift motion as he switched our positions effortlessly. He moved down my neck, planting sweet wet kisses across my collarbone and down my chest, holding onto me with his rough hands he slid down the length of my body, pulling my boy shorts down simultaneously as his hands moved down my legs and he disappeared under the covers, making my entire body tremble with desire.
After what went by too fast he emerged from the sheets with a wicked grin on his face as he slipped out the bed and stood in the doorframe of the bathroom.
“You aren’t going to make me take my last shower alone, are you?” he said innocently but was anything but, and suddenly I found myself under the hot water covered by a different hotness that was luckily all mine.
We went from emerging from the shower to out the flat door, which felt as though it were one swift motion. Each boy and their respective girlfriend took a suitcase and lead it to the familiar black van that would whisk us to the airport. The ride was still as we made our way to our goodbye, Harry holding onto the inside of my thigh as my head rested on his shoulder. Pulling up to the airport made the pit in my stomach multiply as we stepped out to send them off. The ten of us paired off in combinations saying goodbye to each other, not missing a person and ended up with our significant others, all breaking off from the group and onto our own. Harry and I went up the escalator to grab a Starbucks before he went. His hand snaked to mine and he squeezed it reassuringly three times and I harmonized, mimicking the gesture.
“I don’t want to go.” He admitted as we reached the top and I shook my head.
“Don’t say that Harry, you have every right to be excited about this, don’t feel bad just because I’m not going to be there.”
“I’d rather be here with you than anywhere else without you.” He mumbled and I smiled knowing he meant it.
“Harry you could really break America here, this is huge! When I see you on tumblr and in the news I want to see a smile on your face, because it would be a shame for America to miss out on those dimples.”
He laughed before wrapping his arm around me and pulling me in, kissing the top of my head as we stood in line, Harry retrieving our coffees from the Heathrow airport barista. We made our way to a table for two, he ran over the cities he would be going to in North America with a band called Big Time Rush – I’d never heard of them. I wondered how many fans were in America, if any. I wondered if anyone would show up to that Big Time Rush show with the sole intention of seeing my five boys, and I knew at least somewhere out there, there would be one. I imagined girls screaming in their cute American accents with their skimpy clothes and stupid charming personalities. Harry would have girls literally all over him: he could scoop up anybody. The Harry I know now wouldn’t, but then there is the clubbing-girl-loving I-only-hang-out-with-my-ultra-cool-posse-and-don’t-come-home-at-night Harry, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t fear a relapse.
“I don’t know what I’d do without you,” he said mid-conversation and his face fell slightly as he spoke too soon, correcting himself “I don’t know what I will do without you…” he murmured.
“You can go on without me, there is so much you hold Harry. But I don’t know what I’ll do, you’re all I’ve got.” I said choking up and he leant over our finished coffees and kissed my forehead, his lips lingering on my skin.
“There is so much more to you than you think, Charlotte. There is so much more to you than me. Truth is you’d be fine without me love, and that scares me.” his voice cracked slightly and it made my heart hurt, “I want you to need me but you’re so well rounded and wonderful, you really don’t.”
“I need you.” I said in a small voice.
“Flight LHR to LAS boarding in five minutes” boomed from an intercom.
“I better get going…” he said quietly standing, his head nudging to the escalator as he shoved his hands into his pockets leaning absentmindedly toward the right and we made our way to it and then toward another where would be parting, Harry going down to his flight leaving me to return home without him.
“Have a blast,” I whispered on my tiptoes with his forehead pressed to mine as he hunched downward to meet me in the middle, “I’m already so proud of you, but I’ll miss you every moment.”
“You’ll keep busy with school and the store and friends. I’ll talk to you everyday, we’ll find a way to make this work. And for the record, you’re right. I can live without you…”
My eyes dropped from his and landed to a speck on the ground feeling like I’d been punched square in the gut.
“But,” he said picking up my chin in his hand, “without you I’ll be miserable at best.”
His eyes twinkled into mine charmingly and I realized how at home I felt with him and how alone I’d be when he’d finally leave – he was the one leaving but I’d be the one homesick.
We stood at the top of the last escalator that would bring him down to his terminal, chaos around us but with my hands in his it felt like we were the only two people in the world.
“Have fun, but not too much. I don’t want to see you have a new American girlfriend in some city I’ve never even heard of.”
“And I don’t want to come home to an empty flat to find you fled to France with some topshopper.” He winked and I laughed before rising on my tiptoes to kiss him repeatedly.
“I don’t know how it’s going to go over there. We could be great we could be a flop…” he sounded nervous but I squeezed his hand encouragingly “I don’t know if anyone will take any notice to us, but if you see anything in the papers, any rumors, just know you don’t have to worry about me. There isn’t a minute that goes by that I’m thinking of anybody but you.” He stared at me intently, wanting me to fully understand how serious he was. Finally he looked at me a way he hadn’t ever before, as if he was reading into every freckle, tracing ever laugh line with his eyes and painting a mental image of my face. He looked at me like he had never seen me before, and all the same he looked at me so knowingly, both ways like he never wanted to look away. After time went on around us, hundreds of people shuffling by and sifting through he spoke confidently,
“Whatever happens, remember: I did, I do, and I will always love you.”
“I love you,” was all I could manage.
He lifted me from the ground fluently not a care in the world that we were in the middle of a busy airport, wrapping my legs around him I kissed him like it were my last. Naturally my fingers tangled into the curls at the nape of his neck and he held me as close as he could despite the fabric that separated us.
“Last call for flight LHR to LAS.”
Hesitantly, he set me down.
“I. Love. You. Charlotte.” He said brokenly between kisses, smiling into every one.
His feet met the top of the downward escalator and he slowly disappeared; so close yet so far as he descended from my reach.
“When you miss me look at the stars!” he shouted and the tears streamed down my face.
“I will!” I yelled with a smile through sobs.
“I LOVE YOU CHARLIE PARKER!” he yelled with a grin the size of a quarter of a watermelon, such cheer and cheek and love in his voice and I blew him a kiss as he waved excitedly and spun on his feet. As he walked away, he looked back twice, and each time I nodded slightly, silently letting him know it was okay to keep going.
“I love you too, Harry Styles.” I whispered to no one.
HARRY
Walking through the airport to where I was supposed to be, I met up with the guys and climbed aboard. I settled on the plane and suddenly it hit me. I let out a deep breath as the familiar tightness in the back of my throat queued. Tears fell ceaselessly from my eyes, an instant hole evident in my heart; like a puzzle missing a piece I just wasn’t right without Charlie, I’d never be the same with Charlie out of the picture, I’d never be whole. It was cheesy and even worse it was helplessly true, Charlie completed me. Something felt so lonely about the thought of this empty seat next to me, sleeping alone at night and her absence from the front row. For ten hours and forty minutes I’d be flying to Las Vegas, Nevada evidently lonesome and brokenhearted. I’d become so used to her: she had become routine, and now I just felt discombobulated and utterly disappointed as I sailed in the air further and further away from her with each passing minute, and as many times as I looked over my shoulder to see her once more, there was no turning back.
We’d landed at 7:37PM and my first instinct was to call her, only to realize it was 3:37AM in London and she’d probably been asleep for a while at this point. The five of us shuffled through the terminal, the other four seemed to be unphased without their girlfriends but I just felt… empty. I felt like a lamp with no light bulb and honestly what was the damn point in that. I didn’t know what to do or where to go, I felt weird without her hand in mine or her laughter in my ear. I just felt lonely, when suddenly there was a familiar roar in a distance. Glances were exchanged amongst us, a goofy grin on Niall’s face as we sped up to the sound. We erupted from the entrance and were absolutely dumbstruck: hundreds of fans lined the airport.
“What in bloody hell…” Louis whispered shaking his head and looking up at me, cracking a smile.
“Welcome to America,” Liam said finally, and even though nothing compared to her void, the love from our fans whom we hadn’t known even existed in this part of the world surely did okay existing in her place.
As we walked through the airport we waved and it was such a strange feeling. We’d reached the exited and yelled out goodbyes only to find more queued up by the tour bus. As our security hauled our luggage onto the buses we had time to greet the fans. “Niall! Louis over here! Liam! Zayn I love your tattoos! Harry Harry can I have a picture?!” the smiles on our faces grew with everything we signed and everyone we hugged and every picture we took.
“Hi Harry!” a petite girl with long straight auburn hair and hazel eyes said to me.
“Hello babe, how are you?”
“I’m good, would you sign my phone case?” her voice was quiet and sweet.
“Sure thing,” her eyes never left mine as I scribbled my script on the plastic around her phone, as if she was studying me.
“Harry, are you okay?” she said cautiously and I looked up confused.
“Your eyes are red, have you been… crying?” my eyes fell to my feet on the ground.
“You miss her?” she said knowingly.
“What?”
“Charlie, you miss her, yeah?”
A crooked halfhearted smile found its way on my face.
“Yeah, I do.”
“She misses you too.”
“How do you know?”
“Because anyone who is lucky enough to see you everyday is definitely going to miss you when you’re not around.”
My heart swelled, “you know, I think it’s the other way around.”
“You really love her don’t you Harry?”
“More than anything.” It was a beautiful thing that others could see how evident that was, and as much as I loved speaking of Charlie to the fans my voice couldn’t help but sound sad.
“Do you need a hug?” she asked sweetly, noting my sadness.
“You know what? I would love a hug from you.”
I wrapped my arms around her and the tiny fan snuggled into my chest the way Charlie always did.
“I better be going, it was nice meeting you babe, thanks for the talk.. I needed it.”
“No problem Harry!”
I disappeared onto the tour bus rejoining the boys and it was not long until we pulled up to the hotel we’d be staying tonight and shot up the length of the building in the glass elevator, bright lights sparkled across the city.
“Wow,” Niall said as he took it all in “Imaging living here, eh boys?”
“Well for tonight, we do live here.” Louis said smartly with a gleam in his eye that he was up to no good.
“Let’s go out!” Zayn shouted and the boys cheered.
Splitting up into our separate rooms we changed and met back up to go out; too young for casinos but famous enough to get into clubs. Louis, that lucky bastard, was the only one old enough to drink but that didn’t stop the rest of us – we were in Vegas and what happened in Vegas stays in Vegas. There were hundreds of half naked easy on the eyes girls bouncing and grinding around the clubs, hundreds of Emma’s gallivanting carelessly and I quickly realized this would be a much better place to be if I were single, with hundreds of girls around me and only one on my mind, this was admittedly the last place I wanted to be. I just wanted to be with her or see her or hear her voice.
I toughed it out a while, laughing with the guys but my heart wasn’t in it. Before I knew it, seeming utterly out of character but Charlie just did that to me, I slipped out the door and got a cab back to the hotel. It was 11:54PM in Nevada, which meant it was almost 7AM at home.
When I got to my room I called her immediately and the phone rang once before she answered.
“Harry!” she shouted into the phone and I could hear her wide smile through the phone, shocking for so early on in the morning but that quickly faded into morning crankiness fueled by a hint of pissed off with her follow up “why the fuck didn’t you call me when your flight ended I tracked it the whole way through!”
I couldn’t help but laugh into the receiver, “I figured you’d be sleeping.” I collapsed onto the bed looking up at the ceiling, “its good to hear your voice, I didn’t realize how much I’d miss it.”
“I didn’t sleep, your side was empty and it was weird.”
My heart sank, “It smells like you though, that helps” she said quietly and I imagined her wrapped up in my sheets taking in my scent, wishing I’d taken something of hers just to smell her.
“I’m exhausted,” I breathed and she agreed.
“I guess I can sleep now knowing you’re alive,” she laughed and I matched it.
“I miss you already,” I admitted.
“See you in 21 days… not that I’m counting.”
“I love you.”
“Goodnight Harry, I love you too.”
The line went dead and for a while I just laid there, soaking in the sound of her voice that was still ringing in my ear until everything was silent. I peeled off my clothes and crawled into the foreign hotel bed, which smelt like unfamiliar detergent and emptiness. I shut the light off and closed my eyes hoping jetlag would be my lullaby but the loneliness kept me from sleep. I tried talking myself into falling into a dream, knowing Charlie would be there, and then in a sense I could be with her, but I couldn’t even drift off. I pulled my headphones from my carry-on that was flopped lazily next to my bed and plugged them unto my phone, scrolling through her playlist hoping the words that put her feelings to music would make it feel like she were here.
I remember tears streaming down your face
When I said, "I'll never let you go"
When all those shadows almost killed your light
I remember you said, "Don't leave me here alone"
But all that's dead and gone and passed tonight
I turned the music off because it only hurt. I stared up at the darkness, the room lit dimly by the glow of the moon. This bed was too big to be in alone and you could feel her absence. I just wanted to feel her skin brush against mine, or hear her breathing beside me, to have her legs entangled with mine like branches intertwined on a tree, I wanted to smell her on the pillow but there was nothing. I ran my fingers through my hair and suddenly shot up in bed, stumbling in the dark I pulled on my jeans and shoes grabbed my coat off the floor and abandoned the hotel room. I tapped my foot anxiously on the floor of the elevator as I sailed down the building, bursting into the lobby and out the door. I walked aimlessly until I stumbled up on a drugstore open 24 hours and pulled open the door into the stark white-lit convenient store. I walked up and down the rows of the aisles until I found a section marked ‘HAIR CARE’, searching for the familiar blue bottle that sat in the tub at home. I dropped to my knees when it caught my eye, grabbing one and popping the cap off. I inhaled deeply and smiled, bringing it to the counter dropping a US five dollar bill and left.
I backtracked to the hotel and continued my journey backwards ending up in my hotel room. I turned on the light and repeated to strip off my clothes, grabbing my white and red CVS Pharmacy bag and bringing it into the bathroom.
I ran the water and jumped in, grabbing the nostalgic coconut shampoo on the way. Generously, I squirt the blue soap into my hands and ran it through my hair just the way she did whenever I’d joined her. If I closed my eyes I could almost hear her laugh echoing in the tiled walls, giggling bashfully whenever I’d sneak into her shower. I rinsed and stepped out, drying off and using the blow dryer sat on the counter before pulling on my shorts and crawling into bed. I nuzzled into the pillow and held it to my face, closing my eyes I inhaled and it was almost like she was here – Charlie.