JJ doesn't speak for the entire drive back to her place. When we finally get there, she gets out of the car quickly. I unbuckle my seatbelt and hop out, stopping in front of where Jennifer is leaning against the front of the car.
She's chewing her bottom lip and fidgeting with the bracelet on her left wrist. My heart starts beating quickly, and I have a sinking feeling in my stomach. "Ready to go inside?" I force my voice to be light and relaxed.
"Actually, um, I was thinking maybe we could just stay at our separate places tonight. I'm...I'm really tired," JJ finally looks into my eyes after she speaks, and my heart breaks just a little bit. Her blue eyes are icy and guarded, and I can feel a wall forming between us, but I have no idea how to break it down.
"Oh, um, yeah, that's...that's fine. I totally understand, love," I stumble over my words, still unsure how to deal with this situation. "I'm sorry about my mother. She hasn't ever really approved of anything I've done, and my being gay is the cherry on top."
"It's fine, Emily. I'm sorry you have to deal with that." True sincerity colors her tone now, and I realize it's the first time she hasn't sounded hollow and cold since we were at the restaurant.
I smile at her gratefully and reach for her hand. JJ ignores my gesture, once again not looking me in the eye. I pull my hand back after a moment, trying to ignore the sting of rejection that's beginning to wash over me.
"Of course I'll go home, though, Jayje. I completely understand! I'll see you tomorrow," I force a smile back onto my face and lean in to kiss her. I brush my lips on hers softly, but I notice that she doesn't really return my kiss.
I watch as the blonde walks up the steps and disappears from my view. I climb back into my car and just sit for a moment, hitting the steering wheel in frustration. My mother always ruins everything.
I try to buckle my seatbelt, but it's stuck. I yank on it a few times before it finally loosens up, and I groan in irritation. Tomorrow is going to be better. It has to be.
...
I moan as my alarm goes off the next morning. I did not sleep well at all last night. I think it was at least 3 am before I stopped worrying about JJ. For a moment, I debate rolling over and going back to sleep. A day off would've been nice, but I skipped all my paperwork so I could go to dinner last night.
My phone is on my nightstand, and I reach over to check it. I try to swallow down my disappointment when I realize that I don't have a text from Jayje. I shake my head and reassure myself that she's probably sleeping, and I'll see her in a couple hours.
My feet hit the cold floor when I finally climb out of bed, and I shiver involuntarily. I stretch and take a sip from the glass of water I grabbed last night. I'm always so thirsty when I wake up in the morning, so I down the rest of it in seconds.
When I step into the shower a few minutes later, the warm water energizes me. I think about Jennifer and hope she's okay. Honestly, I hope we're okay...
...
The elevator doors open, and I walk up to JJ's office instead of going to my desk. Her door is closed, but I see the light on under the door, so I know she's here. I knock and open the door when I hear a muffled "Yeah?"
"Hey, love. How are you this morning?" I close the door behind me and walk over to the desk on the far side of the room, taking a seat in one of the chairs in front of it.
"I'm fine. You?" JJ's tone is clipped, and the sinking feeling I had last night returns with a vengeance.
"I'm good! Want to grab lunch together in a little bit? I was thinking we could try that new sandwich place down the road," I continue, hoping I'm just imagining the tension in the air.
"Actually, I brought my lunch today," she says, and looks back down at the file sitting on the desk in front of her.
"Oh okay. Maybe dinner after work then?" I hate how small and hopeful my voice sounds right now. I don't let myself be vulnerable around many people, but I let my guard down with Jennifer ages ago.
She sets down her pen and sighs, and she doesn't look up at me for what feels like an hour, but was realistically probably less than a minute. My heart drops when her tear-filled blue eyes meet mine. "Emily. I don't think I can do this anymore. I'm sorry. I love you, but if your mom reacted that way, can you imagine what would happen when everyone finds out? We could lose our jobs."
"Jennifer, everyone else is not going to react like my mother. She's had a stick up her ass since the day she was born. And as for work, Morgan and Reid are dating, and Penelope goes to pride events every year, so that's almost the whole team on our side already. We can make this work," I keep my voice as calm as possible, but I feel my control slipping.
"Em, no. It's too much. I'm not ready." She begins tearing up, and my heart is breaking into a million pieces.
"JJ, please don't do this. I'm begging you. I don't give a fuck about my mother or what she thinks. We can make this work even with our jobs, I promise. You're too important for me to lose, Jayje." I know I'm begging, but I can't stand the thought of her leaving.
"Emily, you don't understand. If your mother reacted badly, I don't even want to think about what my own mother will say. She's been ranting about 'the gays' since I was a kid. Honestly, I don't know what I was thinking these past few months. Actually, I probably wasn't thinking at all." JJ's voice hardens as she speaks, but I know it's a defense mechanism. I know she can't possibly mean it.
"You're breaking my heart, Jennifer. Why don't we talk about this later tonight? You can come over to my place."
"No. We're ending it here. We can be friends or coworkers, but not anything more." JJ turns away from me and gets back to her paperwork. I know I'm dismissed, so I stand and walk to the door, trying to keep it together. "Oh, and Emily?" she asks suddenly.
"Yeah?" I let myself hope for just a moment, even though I know it's a stupid idea.
"Don't call me Jennifer." I can see her clenching her jaw, and I know she's trying not to cry.
I nod and walk out without another word. To be honest, I don't even know where I'm headed until I walk through the door to Garcia's office.
"Emily! What a pleasant surprise this mor-" Penelope stops and her eyes fill with concern. "Baby, what's wrong? Come here." I'm enveloped in a hug seconds later, and I allow myself to finally let go.
My friend holds me and doesn't say much for several minutes while I cry. Her hand rubs soothing circles on my back, and she hums softly. I know without a doubt that Penelope Garcia is comfort in human form, and I am so blessed to have her.
Once I finally calm down, she pulls away and hands me a box of tissues. "Now, do you want to talk about it, or would you rather not right now?" Penelope asks softly, rubbing my shoulder.
"I do want to talk about it. I have to let it out to someone. But please, you can't tell anyone. At all," I look into her eyes, and she nods slowly.
"I promise it does not leave this room," she walks over to her cracked door and closes it completely.
I take a deep breath and start from the beginning.
...
Half an hour later, I'm finally finished speaking, and Garcia's eyes are wide. "Wow. I can't imagine what you've gone through having to hide your sexuality for so long and then your mother coming in and fucking it up again."
"Garcia, did you just say fuck?" I forget my situation for a moment and raise my eyebrows.
"Desperate times call for desperate measures, sweet pea. And your mother sounds like a bitch, no offense." Garcia's face reddens a little when she curses a second time.
"Oh believe me, I've called her worse, so no offense taken," I laugh. "But yeah. I can't believe JJ just ended things like that. We didn't even really get to talk about anything."
"I've known JJ for a while now, and one thing I know is that she's guarded. She's a tough shell to crack, but she let you in. It may take a long time, but I see the way she looks at you. Please don't lose hope yet. Just give her a little space," Garcia says with a small smile.
I try not to let myself hope too much, but I smile at my friend. "Out of curiosity, did you know that we were together?"
"I had a suspicion, but nothing more," another warm smile. "Now, let's get you some tea before we get to work."
...
The next couple weeks are awful. Really really awful. JJ barely acknowledges me, and I hate that we've regressed to this. Derek keeps shooting me sad looks, and I'm glad I started going out with him and Reid for drinks every week. Being able to talk to them and laugh with them certainly boosts my serotonin a little.
It's a Tuesday afternoon, and I smile in anticipation for my evening. Dinner with Garcia followed by the usual drinks and pool with the guys. I'm just about to close my last file of the day when JJ walks into the bullpen.
"Conference room, now," she says as she hurries past us and up to Hotch's office.
"Fuck why couldn't this wait until tomorrow? I was really looking forward to kicking your ass tonight," Morgan says, leaning back in his seat.
"Apparently it'll have to wait," I reply, standing up and grabbing a piece of gum from my desk before walking up the steps to take my place at the table.
Everyone is seated within two minutes, and JJ begins speaking as soon as Garcia sits down.
"Two hours ago in Lake Buena Vista, Florida, seven year old Marilyn Jones was kidnapped from Disney's Magic Kingdom theme park. Apparently, she and her family got separated as they got off a ride called The Haunted Mansion. The family walked outside to get their stroller for their younger daughter, turned around and realized Marilyn was gone." JJ's tone is serious and clipped.
"Why are they calling us in for this one?" Morgan asks, chewing the cap of his pen.
"Marilyn is the fifth child this year to go missing from somewhere on the Walt Disney World resort. The other four still haven't been found, and they've been presumed to be dead," JJ swallows thickly after she speaks.
"If we want a chance of finding this little girl, we have to get moving. Wheels up in ten," Hotch says, standing up and heading for his office.
The rest of us follow and grab our bags.