Chapter 26
Hey. Are you awake?
Of course I knew better than to text Carson, at 1A.M., when I'd been drinking, and had just had sex with another guy. But my brain didn't seem to be able to stop my fingers from typing and sending the message.
I was sitting in my car, after I drove away from Finn's apartment. I'd driven around the corner and pulled into a gas station parking lot. I wasn't drunk, but maybe should not have been driving. I chugged the bottle of water, breathing in and out. What was I doing?
I'm awake, Carson sent back, a few minutes later.
Where are you staying? I asked. And, um, can I come see you?
Carson: Are you okay?
Me: Yes. I'm just... driving.
Carson: It's 458 Cardinal Drive. Close to the mall.
Me: Okay, I'll be there in fifteen minutes.
When I pulled up and turned off the car, the front light on the house was on. There were a few other cars parked on the road, nearby. I felt weird suddenly, at some guy's house that I did not know, at all. Panicked. I was definitely feeling sober now, and my stomach tightened as I sat there, watching the house.
The door opened a minute later, and I saw Carson step outside. I waited a minute longer, still unsure, before I got out and locked the car behind me. Slowly making my way up the path towards the house, I kept my eyes on him.
Carson was in jeans and a hoodie, that same black beanie on his head. It was dark and he was in the shadows, but I smiled, without thinking, seeing him.
"Hey," he said, as casual as ever. You know, as if this was something we did all the time.
"Hi."
"You want to come inside?" he asked, as I neared the porch. He was just a few feet from me, now.
I shook my head, but wrapped my arms around my body. "No, we should stay out here."
"That's probably best. They are drinking in there," he answered, without missing a beat.
"Who's they?" I asked, walking up the steps.
"Tyler and his girlfriend, and her friends."
"Is that safe for you to be around? Since you're..." I let my voice trail off.
"It's not the best thing for me. But I don't have anywhere else to go," he said, then watched as I walked past him and towards the bench, on the porch. "I was just hanging out in the spare room, so I wasn't tempted. Thanks for coming."
"I sort of invited myself," I told him, sitting down.
He crossed the porch and sat beside me. "True."
I took in a breath, waiting. I wanted to tell him why I was there. I had to. It wasn't fair to him that I was there, running to him after having sex with Finn. I was so confused. He had left some space between us, so crossed my hands together in my lap, then looked at him.
"I don't think I would have said it if I didn't mean it," I spat out.
"Said what?"
He was going to make me say it again. "That... you are what I need. That... I was waiting for you."
He sighed, like this was sort of annoying. "But you aren't sure?"
"How can I be sure? You just showed up again after..."
He stopped me by putting his hand on top of mine. The heat that was radiating through me, in my chest, my stomach, my hands - I felt it in him, too.
"I know you're not sure." His words hurt me, instantly. "I didn't plan to be here, with you."
"But you wanted... this?" I asked, with cautious.
He hesitated, and I noticed. "I told you... I don't plan to just blow up your world. I could never do that to you again."
I wasn't sure what he meant exactly, but I was pretty sure I wanted to find out. I knew I had to show patience. Kissing him that night at Kaden's was not smart. It complicated things, especially our feelings. I went from not wanting to see him and not caring if he texted me, to thinking about him. A lot. At the park, he and I were careful. Now, outside of his friends house, I didn't know if I could be as good.
"We could be friends," I said quickly, looking away.
It was stupid, but I wanted to see his reaction, so I glanced back. He flinched, then flared his nostrils. He did that when he was annoyed. Or at least he used to.
"Sure, if you want." He shrugged, then pulled off his beanie and ran a hand through his hair.
"I would like that."
"Okay."
I looked at him, really looked, and was brought back to all of those times we sat out in the parking lot, on our lunch breaks. When he sat close, touching me only minimally, but looking at me like I was all he needed. He was looking at me like that now.
"I should go..." I said, but only because it felt like the right thing to do. I had to put some space between us.
"You kissed me," he accused me, as if I hadn't said anything about leaving.
"I shouldn't have. It was..." I didn't look in his eyes as I said that. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't amazing and exactly what I wanted to do.
"You kissed me, so I know you still feel something for me," he said, reaching over to touch my chin.
He lifted my face so I was looking right at him. It was such a light touch, a simple gesture, but it was everything.
"I have to... you know... figure out..." I whispered.
He dropped his hand from my face, looking away. Everything about him was so familiar, even his face now, so unsure about anything.
"I know. It's been four years." It was like this was the statement that was supposed to really mean something, but all it meant to me was that I'd missed him for a long time.
"Yeah," I agreed, nodding.
"So friends? Until you decide what you want?"
"Yeah. We were friends, once," I told him.
He laughed, and it sounded like he was making fun of me. "We were never just friends. Not from the first time I saw you."