I do not know how long I sat on the floor, crying, pouring, grieving my whole heart out. I could not breathe, the room was big but I felt like I was suffocating.
The blood on my hands have dried up and I didn't even dare to look down.
I want to say that I feel empty, but that's false. I was so full with pain and hurt and I didn't know what to do. I was so full of hurt and pain that I just felt... empty.
I thought of Archer, I really wanted him to be here.
I really need him here right now.
But he isn't here.
"Hazel? Hazel, are you-- oh my goodness, Hazel!"
I turned to the door and saw Frances running towards me. She was about to bend down to help me up but then she saw all the blood around me and the mess that I was.
She swallowed as she tried to connect the dots, slowly, she sat beside me. I could sense that she felt bad for me and that made me feel worse.
Frances slowly took my hand up and she tried to feel my pulse.
"Wh--what happened?" she asked, fear in her voice, maybe she didn't really want to know, maybe she was scared to know.
Void of any emotions, I turned my head towards her. "I-- I--"
I couldn't even bring myself to say it. I couldn't say the words because if I said it, then it'd be true. Then I would have really lost my baby. And I couldn't do that.
Just as I thought that the tears were all emptied out, I was wrong because tears started forming again and I wasn't able to say anything to Frances, I just started sobbing.
She must have noticed that and she didn't press on, I'm guessing maybe she had an idea, but she was too scared to confirm it.
"I-it's okay. Let's get you cleaned up first."
Frances stood up and ran to the bathroom. She probably couldn't find the things she needed so she ran downstairs real quick and came back with a basin of water and a towel.
She started wiping away the blood from my hands. She helped me stand up and sit on the bed as she cleaned up the blood on the floor.
I watched as she cleaned all the blood up and then she encountered the clump of blood and the other smaller clumps of blood and she stopped.
I could feel my breath getting ragged, she looked up to me and the tears came all pouring down once more and the aching started again, not that it ever stopped.
I laid down the bed and cried harder on the pillows.
For how long I cried again, I don't know.
Frances had prepared a bath for me and she convinced me to clean myself up and I did. Although she did have to check on me a couple of times again.
I dressed myself and came out of the room.
I had no idea what time it was already, but it looked like the sun was already setting, I couldn't be sure because everything around me looked grey.
Frances prepared food but I couldn't bring myself to even look at it and I found myself staring outside the window, staring at nothing at all.
The pack doctor sat at the chair in front me, I could feel her look out the window to try and see what I was looking at, but she couldn't have figured it out.
She couldn't have seen the what ifs that I saw had I not lost my baby.
"Ha-Hazel, was that? The blood--"
"I was pregnant Frances," I finally told her as I turned to look at her, my eyes tearing up again, "but I lost it. I lost my baby."
I could see the shock in her face, the unbelief, but it must've been a confirmation to her guesses. She closed her eyes as she inhaled deeply.
"H-how, b-but I would have known... I checked on you last week-- oh Hazel. I am so sorry, this is all my fault." she was on the verge of crying but I held her hand.
She looked at me and I shook my head.
"I know you did, it wasn't your fault Frances." It was mine.
I had been checked by her three times since I started feeling the pain, but she wasn't able to detect anything and I know it wasn't her fault, she did her job. It was just... me.
Frances held back her tears, but I could see that she was only trying her best to do so.
"A-are you gonna tell the Alpha?" she asked.
I turned to the window again and nodded. "I will... I will contact him... but Frances, please promise me that you will not tell anyone." I asked her.
She looked at me questioningly as if she didn't understand why, but she ultimately nodded. "I-- I won't if you don't want me to."
"Thank you." I said but I had no emotion at all.
For the next few minutes, she instructed me on what I needed to do next, what I should eat and what I shouldn't and I only half listened. And then Frances stood up to leave because it must've already been night time.
"I'll tell Allan you're not feeling well. I'll come back first thing tomorrow." she said before leaving and I simply nodded.
I heard the door close and then I was left all alone again. The room was too big now and too cold and too empty.
It was cold and dark and the pain came back all over again.
The tears fell down and I was in such a state of indescribable pain and what's worse is that I was starting to feel all alone and extremely lonely.
In this big house, all by myself, all I had were the thoughts inside me that were reminding me of what happened, reminding me that it's all my fault that if only I hadn't done this or only if I had done that then maybe... just maybe things would be different now.
Tired of the pain and in need of something, I reached out for the voca orb. I opened it and tried connecting it to Archer.
Please answer. I really need you right now.
But the voca orb didn't light up at all indicating that it couldn't get connected. I tried a few more times and every time the light died, I felt like I died inside too.
I was suffering and I needed to let him know that I lost my child, our child, but why is it that he's not answering?!
I know he's probably busy but is it so hard to just answer me this once? I know he's trying to help a friend, but I need him too.
Am I not important to him? Do I always have to come in second in everything?
Was he lying when he said he loved me? Was it just to make me hear something that I wanted to hear?
All the questions came raining down, the doubt settled in and I felt so small. I felt so worthless.
Am I not enough?
Is that why everyone is leaving me? Is that why my parents keep pushing me away? Is that why my baby also left? Because I'm worthless and I can't mount up to anything and I can't keep anything?
"Please..." I begged for the voca orb to connect and when it didn't, the pent up anger and frustration I had kept inside me made me to throw the device away and for it crack in pieces.
I was sobbing so much, I went down the first floor and looked for the phone that we rarely used. I tried to call the phone that I made him carry if ever I couldn't contact him through the orb, I dialled multiple times but it kept going to the voicemail.
"C'mon Archer. I just want to hear your vo--"
"The number you have dialled is unavailable at the moment. Please try again later or leave a voicemail at the tone."
I turned it off and dialled one last time.
When it didn't connect and the automated message came through and the beeping tone of the voicemail, I took a deep breath and decided to leave a message.
"Archer... uhm... can you please call. I really need you. I-- I need to-- just please call, I really need you." I said and then hang up.
But that only made me feel bitter and lonely and angry all over again.
I wanted him to know but it felt like he was too busy to even spare a time about the life I had just lost and that made me feel angry. So if anything happened to me right now, he wouldn't even care right?
Little did I know, hate and anger have already started to eat me up.
❀
When Frances woke me up, she said that it was already past noon.
"Did you hear anything from Archer? Or Suzy or anyone?" I asked first thing as I awoke. My head was throbbing against my skull as I tried to lift my head up.
It's been three days since the incident and everyday that passes without hearing from Archer kills me a bit more every day. It eats me up, it aches my head and breaks my heart.
"None that I know of, but I brought you food." she said and tried to smile. I nodded, feeling nothing anymore.
I hated to say it, but now, I felt so empty and what's filling me up was frustration, bitterness, resentment and anger towards Archer. My mate who doesn't care about me anymore.
Is it because he already got what he wanted from me and decided to leave me? Seems to make sense, now that I think about it, I seemed to always be the one chasing for his affection, maybe he really just forced himself, maybe he was just pretending.
Maybe... I don't know. I don't know anything anymore.
As Frances was asking how I felt, I tried to eat what she brought but that in itself was a challenge. She stayed for a few hours and checked on my body, but to me nothing mattered anymore.
She was telling me to be careful for the coming days and pay attention to my health or else it could get dangerous for me and I could simply nod.
It could get dangerous for me she says? I don't really mind anymore.
When she left, I looked for the phone that I kept checking because I broke my voca orb. Hours passed while I simply stared outside or the phone in front of me waiting hopelessly for it to ring.
And then, the phone lit up. I was surprised when I saw the phone ringing, it was Archer! I finally picked it up.
"Hello? Hazel? Are you there?"
Hearing his voice, it seemed to ease my pain just a little, for the first time in three days, I felt a positive emotion.
"Ar...cher I--"
"I'm kinda in the middle of negotiations right now, I've been trying to reach your orb, but it wasn't going through. Are you okay?" he asks, sounding a bit in a hurry and that somehow offended me.
Again, I felt like I was just a five minute break in between his busy schedule and that left a very bitter taste in my mouth.
"No, I'm not-- I... I--" the words wouldn't come out, I didn't want to tell him over the phone, I felt like I was dishonouring the life of our child by saying it over the phone, I needed to say it to his face. "C-can't you please come home now? I have something to tell you." I say with the most strength I could."
There was silence for a few moments on the other line and I can feel the hesitation. "Uhm... I would really love to, babe, but things aren't going well with Jessica and her mate at the moment and we're trying to have them fix it and with their pack negotiations, but I promise you that it won't take long."
Of course.
What did I expect?
I was always fighting to even be included in his priority list, I was always fighting to be by his side, I was always fighting to have him by my side, but apparently it wasn't the same for me. I really am such a fool.
But I swallowed my pride. I just wanted him here.
"Archer, please, this is important."
"Why can't you tell me over the pho--" he was about to ask when I heard someone call him from behind, it sounded like it was Derek, "I'm coming!-- you can tell me now, Hazel."
The tears started all over again, but this time because of extreme frustration and a mounting, uncontrollable anger.
"No, forget it Archer. I've been waiting for just a piece of news from you Archer, I really needed you Archer, but you're always so busy with others and what about me? I'm so tired of fighting for someone who is mine. Don't bother anymore."
I hang up the phone right away because I didn't want to hear his voice anymore. I didn't want to hear anything from him anymore.
I felt so enraged and all I could do is cry.
I tried to think where I went wrong to always be pushed away, to always be placed second on their priority list, to not have a voice that matters.
What is it that others have that I don't? What is it that the pack affairs have that I don't? What is it that Jessica has that I don't?
Why is it that I am never enough?
The phone rang and rang, but I turned it off.
I am exhausted, emotionally, physically and mentally. I am tired, I just want to get away. I just want to run away from everything.
Away from being an Alpha's perfect daughter, away from being a Luna, away from being Archer's mate.
As I stared at the dark sky outside and an idea went off.
Why don't I?
I went back in my old room and started rummaging through my clothes. If I was going to be travelling on my own, I would be needing warmer clothes and ones that would not make me stand out.
I changed into warmer clothes and found a cape that Archer had in his closet. I was about to leave right away, but I thought taking of eating first and also carried a card with me should I need to purchase more food on the way.
It was only seven in the evening and I know there are still a lot of people at this time so I waited until nine in the evening before stepping out of the house.
"Hazel?" Frances asked as soon as I stepped out. My eyes widened in surprise and I turned to her. She was holding a bag which I assumed to be food that she brought for me.
She looked at me from head to toe and she must've understood what I was about to do.
I'm sorry Frances, but I have to do this.
"Don't move, Frances. Don't follow me, don't tell anyone that you saw me... and, don't tell anyone about what happened... Do you understand?" I used my command tone on her.
She was surprised, she stood still, still under my command. I whispered a sorry to her before turning away. "You can move five minutes after I leave." I commanded again and left her.
I ran towards the border and since I wanted to leave as quietly as possible, I went towards the guards who were keeping the barrier and who were able to open it.
When they saw me, they smiled and stood up, they were about to talk, but I used my command tone again. "Open the barrier without letting the Beta know. Close it right after I leave." I commanded.
I could see the shock written in their faces, their bodies moved on its own, opening a small part of the barrier just enough for me to slip out of. I was about to run towards the dark of the forest when I remembered.
"Do not tell anyone I left."
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next chapters will be told in Archer's POV