The alarm clock on his phone was shrill in the silence of the morning. His eyes shot open, and for the tiniest of moments there was peace. But then, like a tidal wave, everything came crashing back in.
He had his audition. Today.
Oh my God.
He got up with a shock, shot into the clothes he had picked out with Brett the day before and went down to breakfast reluctantly. Now that the nerves were back with a vengeance, eating was approximately the last thing he wanted to do. But also, and even more so, he had no idea at all what to say to his mum as he sat down across from her, pushed his chair up and reached over for a bread roll.
Had she really come and comforted him like that? It almost didn't seem real, like he had been dreaming it or something. Yet, the second he saw her and he saw the bags under her eyes he knew it had been. How long had she sat there with him, in the middle of the night on the edge of his bed? And what on earth was he supposed to say to her now?
But before he could gather his thoughts and his words his mum swallowed the rest of her tea in one great gulp and got up abruptly. Then she smiled once, a small, tight smile.
"Good luck today, Eddy."
"Th... thanks, mum." he said to her back as she disappeared into the kitchen.
His stomach lurched sharply, making him decide quickly that it was a better idea to take his bread roll to go. He only had about an hour anyway, before Brett would come to pick him up and they would make their way to the con together. He should try and warm up some.
Within minutes he was shaking worse than ever and that feeling of not being able to breathe was back, too. He had already opened the window but it was fucking hot outside, so that was no help at all. There just didn't seem to be any air, anywhere. And to make matters worse the hour wasn't nearly up yet. On a whim he grabbed his phone from the bedside table and typed quickly.
'Bro, you almost here? Freaking out.'
He held his breath as he waited for his phone to buzz. It didn't take long.
'I'm running over now.'
Shit. He had caught Brett when he wasn't ready yet, hadn't he? And now Brett was rushing because of him, wasn't he? His fingers flew over the touch screen.
'No rush.'
He so didn't want to press send, because by now he found himself pacing up and down his room and he really, really wanted Brett to rush and get here. He pressed it anyway.
Come on, mate. he screamed in his head. Get your shit together!
He would have screamed out loud if that wouldn't have sent his mum running. He closed the window quickly, pushed the desk chair out of the way and turned around to his violin case. The weight of his violin in his hands was almost a comfort. He took another massive breath as he started on a slow, steady D major scale. He closed his eyes and focused on making his shifts inaudible, his bowing even and his tone full, but his bow kept shaking so hard it was like he was practising spiccato.
He scrunched his eyes shut and tried to breathe. Look, it didn't matter, none of this shit mattered. He would just play it again, and again, as many times as it took until he got it right. And he was just going to ignore the tears that had sprung up in his eyes.
"Hey."
Brett's voice sounded like it was coming from far away through the throbbing of his ears.
He whirled around. He would have said "hey" like a normal person, but he figured he had passed that station anyway as he looked helplessly at his boyfriend with his tear-streaked cheeks, his chest moving up and down quickly with his shallow breaths.
Brett shut the door and rushed over, took the violin from his hands and put down in its case on the bed. Then he put both his hands on Eddy's shoulders and looked right into his eyes, his own koala eyes soft and gently imploring.
"Hey, my love. You're okay, I promise. Just breathe with me, okay?"
Eddy nodded wordlessly. It was like Brett had brought this calm with him, this loving calm that was started to spread over to him, now. Like a quiet place to rest. He stepped forward, threw his arms around his boyfriend and buried his face in his chest.