a/n: surprise update <3
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"Love is messy. And horrible,
and selfish, and bold. It's not finding
your perfect half. It's the trying,
and reaching, and failing."
- From the movie: The Half of It
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Back in Bora Bora, I called Kai in the restroom of the sunset restaurant.
He seemed pretty preoccupied. Our entire conversation consisted of him giving me distracted answers and me trying to find reasons to like him more than Leonardo.
I can admit it to myself now. I have some sort of feelings for Leonardo, but it's not like I love him. I barely know him.
On the other hand, though, I love Kai. I have for the longest time. When I think about him, I get this warm feeling of familiarity in my chest and it just feels so right to be with him.
The problem with all of this is that I'm spending so much time with Leonardo, and judging from all the relationships I analysed in high school, spending a lot of time with someone you have feelings for will either present you with what you are looking for - or heartbreak.
There's rarely an in-between.
But who am I kidding? For the past couple of weeks, I've unwillingly thought about Leonardo even when he wasn't around me.
Back in highschool, it was so hard for me to like someone. My love life mostly involved Kai, Kai, Kai - even through all of his phases, as sad as that is. Why do I have to be hit with so much confusion when I'm finally with the guy of my dreams?
To make matters worse, a guy with commitment issues, whom I absolutely have no chance with is causing all of this confusion.
Anyway, Bora Bora was the last time I spoke to Kai. I'm waiting for him to make an effort.
As I was lying in bed last night, an epiphany came to me. For the last 18 or so days, I've been calling him first - each time. I get that he could be busy - and he is busy - but so am I.
To top it all off, I'm the one who has the pressure of hiding a relationship from someone I spend all my time with, and yet I can still find time to quickly slip off somewhere private to call him.
I'm not a relationship expert or anything, but I do know that communication and reciprocity are some of the main things that keep relationships going. I'm not getting either of those and it's making me antsy.
Leonardo and I are currently on the plane back to Riversands, New York. It's 2 AM and I haven't been able to get a wink of sleep in the past 6 hours.
I forced Leonardo to watch some movie called Instant Family with me on his laptop and he fell asleep halfway through. He seemed really into it, but he's so accustomed to sleeping at a reasonable hour that he couldn't stay up.
I steal a glance at him. I have a thing for watching him sleep because that's when he looks the most peaceful. So unguarded.
I notice he's taken my blue neck pillow instead of his black one. On our last flight, I complained that my neck pillow was smaller than his, since he'd been the one to buy them in the travel shop.
He had been practically ignoring me the entire time and so I complained because I'm attention whore, I didn't really mean it.
He told me to deal with it and that I can't have the big one because I'm 'such a tiny human being'. I wonder if he's taken the smaller one now by mistake, or if he's just trying to be nice.
I'm going to go for the latter and hope I'm not being delusional.
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The day after arriving home - well Leonardo's home - I call my mom to see how she's doing.
When Leonardo and I arrived yesterday, I slept up until this morning and I didn't have a chance to speak with her because I was really feeling the jet lag.
The fact that she couldn't be at the wedding really pissed her off but when we told her we were gonna go with her navy blue and gold theme she was a little less upset. Lauren also made sure to film the entire thing for her.
It's been really hard juggling this whole fake marriage thing and my mom's treatment. Sometimes all I ever want to do is sit on one of those uncomfortable plastic chairs next to her bed, read her favourite books to her and listen to her chastising me about the randomest things.
But then I remember that as much as I'd want to ditch this whole marriage thing so I can spend time with her, we need the money.
"How's everything going?" I ask.
Mom sighs over the phone. "I'm sick and tired of this hospital bed. They're only discharging me next week and that's seven days of life to be lived."
"Next week? Mom that's great! That means the treatment is working, right?"
"So far, yes. A month after I'm discharged is when they'll know for sure if it's working."
I bite my thumbnail anxiously. "Do you feel any better? Better than last week?"
"I feel great. In fact, Jean is thinking of whisking me off to Hawaii to celebrate the treatment. I'm thinking of going."
Auntie Jean is one of my mom's friends. They've been best friends since college and they've been in a tight knit group of four ever since they graduated. Aunt Sandra and aunt Vicky are the other two of the four.
My mom has never let them know when we were struggling financially. She's even admitted that it's a pride thing because she was one of the most financially stable people in college back when her parents were still living in New York.
My grandparents were drug dealers. That's how my mom met my dad. My dad's older brother (his legal guardian) was into the whole drug scene and was trying initiate my dad into it and he eventually met my mom - and they had me.
My grandparents were living in the US illegally and were eventually deported when their drug dealing rivals ratted them out to the police for being illegal immigrants. My mom and aunt Lizzy had student visas so they could stay, but that's when life went downhill for them. They had to work like crazy to get through college.
"Did your doctor say it's alright for you to go?" I ask.
The truth is, I'm scared of Mom going anywhere without me, but I'm not about to stop her because I know all she wants to do is live her life.
"Yes, mom," she says.
Ironic.
"Okay, good. How long would you be gone for?
"Two weeks."
"Two weeks? Don't you think that's a bit much?"
"A month would be a bit much. It's only two weeks and I'll FaceTime you every day."
"Alright, alright." I sigh. "I'm stopping by today. What should I bring besides the souvenirs from our trip?"
"Just Leonardo. That young man is too charming. I can't believe he's my son in law!"
I laugh. "Yeah, well he'd refuse for me to come alone either way."
I spend about 30 minutes telling Mom about Tahiti and all the islands Leonardo and I visited. Mom likes detailed descriptions or else she'll get get frustrated - so I really had to go into detail about how blue the lagoons in Bora Bora were etc.
When mom hangs up, I decide to work on my instagram page. I feel weirdly unsteady on my feet, but I ignore it. I've got tons of sorting out to do.
Leonardo's publicist told me to be more active ever since my following on instagram grew. It's grown rapidly, too.
Before Leonardo's fans, family, business associates and friends knew about me, I was instructed to delete all my instagram posts and start over. I posted a couple of pictures that I'd taken with Leonardo, but that was it.
I'm no longer allowed to post selfies as they are 'immature' and apparently won't gain me any respect. I don't know how that makes any sense.
All my pictures need to show my outfits or showcase my lifestyle. It's a lot of work and might as well be a full time job. All of this is for the sake of controlling my narrative because people have a tendency of making their own assumptions about you if you're not active on social media.
I'm about to post pictures of Leonardo and I from our so called honeymoon when I hear a knock on my door.
"Come in," I say absent-mindedely.
The door swings open and Leonardo comes into view. He's wearing a white Polo shirt, a black pair of shorts and white Alexander McQueens.
When I said 'come in', it hadn't registered in my mind that I currently look like actual trash. After my shower, I threw an old and ugly sweater dress on without thinking and my hair is nothing short of unruly.
I feel mortified.
It doesn't help that Leonardo looks about ready to walk on a runway.
I stand up awkwardly.
"Hey," I say, forcing a smile, but really I'm just dying on the inside.
"An important client invited us to dinner tonight and I thought I'd let you know quite early, since you're not very good at being on time," he says.
Typical Leonardo. No time for pleasantries.
I roll my eyes. "It was one time."
It's kind of difficult not to stare at his face. He's got such masculine features and a sulky, pretty mouth.
"It wasn't one time, you've been tardy on multiple occasions."
He casually walks up to me and I nearly expire.
I cross my arms to try and stay calm. "Was not."
Leonardo sighs. "I'm not arguing with you today, Sadie. The dinner party is at 6 PM, you need to be ready at 5.30 PM. No later."
"Alright, alright." I really have no energy to argue right now. I'm getting all sweaty and I feel funny.
"What? No terms and conditions?" Leonardo is the face skepticism.
I shake my head and sit back down on the bed. "Nope. No energy today."
He furrows his eyebrows. "You do look a little flushed."
Leonardo brings a hand to my neck and his eyes widen. "Sadie, you're burning up."
I wave him off. "I'm alright, I'm just a little hot is all."
Leonardo looks really concerned and it's scaring me. He never looks concerned.
"What?" I ask.
"We need to get you to a doctor."
"No, absolutely not."
"Sadie-"
Before he can even finish his sentence, I'm sick all over the floor. I'm really lucky the carpet was taken out for cleaning.
I don't even want to look at Leonardo, I'm so embarrassed. I notice that a little bit of my sick got on his shoe and I don't think I have ever felt this mortified in my entire life.
I expect him to leave in utter disgust but he doesn't.
I vividly remember ninth grade, when I threw up at Steve's house and Kai high tailed it out of the room like he couldn't leave fast enough.
I had the hugest crush on him at the time and I wanted to throw myself out of the window. Lauren and Steve cleaned up and took care of me and I felt so disgusting the entire time even though they reassured me. Kai apologized for leaving later that day, explaining that he found throw up really gross.
This situation right now is bringing so many flashbacks from ninth grade. Except, Leonardo is still here.
"Sadie, please don't cry. You're okay, I promise." He's making his way around the throw up to me.
I didn't even realize I was crying. My head hurts and I feel so dizzy.
What is wrong with me?
Leonardo sits beside me, looking at me as if I am caution itself. "Can I take you to the hospital?"
I shake my head. "I hate being in a hospital bed. It gives me anxiety. I probably just have a stomach bug."
My voice is coming out in whispers and my skin is seriously burning.
"I understand. I'm going to carry you to my room now, okay?"
I furrow my eyesbrows. "Your room?"
"I need to ask my doctor if he can do an emergency house call and my phone is up there."
Leonardo scoops my tiny frame into his arms bridal style and I feel like a kid again.
I rest my head on his shoulder weakly. "You could have left me here and I'd have been just fine."
"I'm not leaving you alone like this."
His voice is starting to sound far away, like he's across the room when he's not. I can barely feel him walk.
Now, he's saying something to Myrtle, but I can barely hear because my ears are ringing so much. Everything is starting to look like it's really far away.
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