SAVING GRACE IN THE FORM OF SEVERUS
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I waited for the class to clear out before approaching Snape at the front of the room. Pansy, Hermione and Blaise were hesitant to leave before speaking to me but Snape requiring my presence was more vital right now.
I sighed as I stood in front of him, speaking before he could. "I didn't lie about anything I said."
Snape sat behind his desk, slowly lifting his gaze. "About the devil roaming the halls of Hogwarts?" He spoke with mockery, maybe a hint of sarcasm, in disbelief.
"Yes." I stated firmly.
Snape's eyes grew dark as he evidently assumed I was not being serious. "Miss Ambrose-"
"She is the devil, professor." I cut him off before he could break out into a lecture.
Snape paused for a moment, his eyes narrowing. "Miss Ambrose, are you being bullied?"
I hesitated. "It's less bullying and more-inflicting unnecessary misery, I suppose. Although, those could be considered the same thing." I smiled awkwardly. Being high was causing me to say things I wouldn't otherwise-which essentially, is what put me in this situation to begin with. Granted, I didn't mind how blunt it was allowing me to be.
For a moment, I could swear Snape's features almost softened. "Who is the student inflicting unnecessary misery?"
I grimaced, inhaling sharply. "I much rather not become known as a rat. With all due respect, of course."
Snape's jaw clenched. "Miss Ambrose, this is no matter for joking. I won't ask again, who is the student? I need a name."
"Sir, I understand I was late to your class and I came off as disrespectful." I spoke firmly, my tone even and oddly professional. "For that, I accept whatever punishment you deem fitting but I cannot tell you who was 'bullying' me. Really, it's not a big deal. I was exaggerating, we simply don't get along. That's all."
That was a lie.
She spoke such vile things, pushing me to the breaking point, triggering me into a panic attack all while simultaneously trying to pressure me into taking drugs, with the knowledge that I already had a drug abuse problem.
Bullying was a severe understatement.
Snape considered. His face was always so expressionless. It was so hard to decipher what he was thinking. Slowly, he stood from his chair and rounded the desk to stand in front of me. I had to crane my neck back to look up at him.
If I wasn't high, I would be trembling from intimidation.
"Miss Ambrose, are you high?" He asked bluntly, so straight forward that it took me by utter surprise.
I blinked, gaping for a moment. "What-no. Why would you-"
"Do not lie to me, Miss Ambrose. It will not be tolerated and there are other ways I can obtain the truth."
I stared up at him, my mouth left agape. For some reason, I felt an odd sense of trust in Snape that made me feel like I could tell him. He knew how fucked up I was. He somehow always knew what was going on with me anyways.
But the use of drugs would result in expulsion.
As if he read my mind, he continued. "Consider yourself having immunity. You may tell me the truth without receiving any consequences."
My eyebrows pulled together in confusion. Why would he do that? If I admitted I was doing drugs, why would he be willing to protect me from the repercussions?
I sighed. "If you're asking, I'm sure you already have the answer, sir."
Snape only nodded. "And this is purely recreational? Or would there be alternative motivations behind you inclination to partake in something that would very well result in expulsion?"
I fell silent.
Snape nodded again, taking my silence as an answer. It was fascinating how well he could see right through me. Maybe Snape should become my new best friend. Wouldn't that be funny?
"As I asked you previously, have you spoken to anyone about the traumatic events that took place last year?"
I refrained from rolling my eyes as I walked backwards to sit on top of a desk. "I think I much rather not deep-dive into the exact memories I wish to forget entirely."
Snape craned his neck to the side as he peered at me thoughtfully. "This trauma you went through-it's still affecting you?"
I actually laughed. "Are you kidding? I've been refraining from using drugs to cope with said-trauma which is hell. I can't sleep. I have panic attacks. I hear my own screams in my head, screams from when I was down there being tortured." I looked down at my hands as my shoulders grew heavy. I didn't know why I was telling him all this. I think it was being high that made me spill it all out without really thinking about what I was saying. I was too numb to care for the words leaving my mouth. "So, yes. I suppose you could say it's still affecting me."
Snape walked over to stand in front of me, causing me to look at him again.
"I'm sorry." I ran a hand down my face, exasperating a breath. "I'm tired and-well, high, admittedly. I don't know why I'm telling you all of this. I'm fine. I'm dealing with it."
"It seems that you are not fine, Miss Ambrose. It also seems you are doing a rather poor job dealing with it."
My tilted my head to the side as I gawped at the professor. "Can you call me Elysia?"
Snape stared at me flatly. "No."
"Can I call you Severus?"
"No."
"Lord Severus?" I smiled cheekily.
Snape cleared his throat, evidently uncomfortable. "I believe what it is you are doing would be called deflecting, Miss Ambrose."
I sighed defeatedly. "What difference does it make whether or not I tell you all of this? You don't have to give me special treatment or go easy on me because I was held captive and tortured by a dark wizard."
For a moment, his features softened before he easily placed his usual blank expression back on. "What if it did make a difference?"
I looked at him in confusion. "What?"
"You said you wish to forget these memories entirely. If there was a way to do that?"
I scoffed. "Is that even a question? I've been trying to desperately forget them for months-hence the drug abuse."
Snape nodded slowly.
I narrowed my eyes. "There is a way, isn't there?"
Snape cleared his throat as he turned around, walking back to his desk. "Sometimes costs are made to be borne." He paused. "Sometimes-they simply should not be."
I stared at the back of his head oddly, not understanding half of what he said. "You lost me."
Snape almost winced when he looked at me again, as if he was having an internal debate with himself. "There are ways. Ways one can rid memories."
I stared at him. Holy shit. "How?"
"Memory extraction," he told me bluntly. "It removes single, specific memories from one's mind. You place them in a pensieve or a flask for storage or if you wish to see the memory again."
My eyes went wide. I almost didn't believe what I was hearing. The answer to all my problems, all my prayers. Just like that, it was right in front of me. As if I had spent all this time, scouring the earth for something without knowing what it was I was looking for. Suddenly, it was dropped right into the palm of my hand.
I hopped off the desk. "I want to do it."
Snape pursed his lips for a moment. "It's not something you'd like more time to consider?"
I shook my head frantically. "No. Not at all. I-I need this." I exhaled sharply. "I have been dying since the day I was taken, going through the impossible with no way out. The amount of times it's crossed my mind, that death is better than the suffering I've continued to experience-that itself is just fucked up."
"Language, Miss Ambrose." Snape gritted. It was slightly obvious that he was uncomfortable and at a loss on what to say to my confession.
I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, yeah. I apologize for my profanity."
Snape looked at me for a moment, his face eerily straight. "I suppose I can help you."
It felt like a weighted blanket had been taken off my shoulders, one I hadn't known was there to begin with. I nodded slowly. "Professor... why are you doing this? I mean-why help me?"
Snape grimaced for a moment. "I don't know."
I blinked. "You don't... know?"
Snape stared at me for a long moment, his face blank. "We are healed of a suffering only after we have experienced it to the full. I consider you've experienced plenty, Miss Ambrose."
"Yo-"
"Not all actions have to be justified, Miss Ambrose."
I nodded quickly. "I want to do it."
Pointing his wand, Snape dragged over a chair. "Sit."
I blinked. "Oh-you meant right now. We're doing this now."
Snape exhaled deeply, growing testy. "I think you might do something better with my time than waste it."
"Right. Sorry," I drawled sheepishly as I slid into the seat.
Snape hesitated for a moment before he brought the tip of his wand to my temple. "Is this what you want, Miss Ambrose?"
"Yes." I didn't even need to consider.
Snape nodded curtly as he muttered the incantation. When he withdrew his wand, a silvery substance came away, stretching from my temple to the wand like a strand of spider silk. The strand broke as the wand pulled away, gracefully falling into the flask Snape held in his other hand.
I blinked.
Woah.
As thought a weight had lifted-right out from my mind. There was a gap. A blank spot in my mind. As if I had been asleep for a period of time. It felt like walking into a room and forgetting what you went in there to get in the first place. A hole in the middle of other memories. Like one photo missing in the middle of the album.
I was aware of the memories that had been removed from my mind. I knew Samael had taken me. I knew I was held captive and tortured.
But I couldn't remember it.
I don't know what happened when I was in that basement, I only knew that I had indeed been there.
Holy shit.
The feeling was indescribable.
"Miss Ambrose, your memories." Snape held out the flask filled with shining white substance.
I felt like I was in a haze as I shook my head. "I don't want those-ever. There will never be a time I will want to see those again. You can-keep them, throw them out, I don't care."
Snape's eyes stayed on me as he pulled away his hand, his gaze carefully inspecting me. "How do you feel?"
I don't know.
"I feel... fine." I shrugged unsurely, lifting my gaze to look at the professor. "Is there a particular way I should be feeling?"
Snape tilted his head to the side, still cautiously watching me as if I would break at any second. "The memories are no longer in your head. You should be liberated from anything you have felt from those memories. As if they never happened."
A smile broke on my face and before I knew it, my arms wrapped around Snape. I hugged him tightly, laughing. "Thank you. Thank you so, so much."
Snape's much taller body froze as he stood there, unmoving, his arms still at his sides. After a moment, he uncomfortably cleared his throat and patted me on the back.
I pulled away from Snape with a beaming smile on my face. I felt-almost brand new. A prisoner finally stepping out from behind bars. A bird soaring out of its cage.
Every thread of anxiety that twisted around my veins had evaporated. I could breathe. I could no longer feel panic seizing my brain. I could actually stand in silence and listen to my own thoughts because they were no longer trying to suffocate me.
My mind was no longer a prison.
It was an entirely thrilling and freeing feeling. I could cry.
I looked at Snape again, grinning. "Considering that you are holding my darkest, worst memories in the palm of your hand, I reckon we should be on first-name basis now."
"Get out of my classroom, Miss Ambrose."
It no longer hurts to breathe.
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a/n: I was going to post this update tomorrow but I LOVE U GUYYYYSSS AND COULDNT WAIT!!! omg honestly love u all so much, thank u for the luv and support on this book hehehehhe <3 u all have my heart