—
I chew my bottom lip gently, careful not to break through the skin and draw blood, as I stare aimlessly at the foggy pitcher of beer that sits in the middle of the table. The foam ring bubbles and is thinning out the longer it sits there, the liquid slightly splashing at the sides as the table is accidentally pushed causing it to wobble on its unsteady leg.
"You look like you want to choke out a kitten." Tiff laughs, my eyes flicking over to meet her gaze as she leans her side against the small round table. Her eyes search me for a moment as I shake my head.
"Thanks, T." I reply sarcastically, a soft smile making its way onto my lips as the woman before me dramatically rolls her eyes. She leans her elbow on the table while reaching out to push a strand of my hair behind my ear with her other hand.
"Are you going to tell me what's going on?" She questions with slightly raised eyebrows. I sigh quietly, tracing small shapes into the surface of the table, my eyes avoiding hers. "I know you, Clover. Something is wrong." She continues quietly, being sure to keep our conversation between the two of us only.
"My dad showed up yesterday." I spill, watching Tiffs features change into an expression of confusion. Her eyebrows furrow and the crease between her eyebrows grows visible as she stares back at me. "We fought, and we both said some things we probably shouldn't have." I continue quietly, dropping my gaze to the table once again.
"What was he doing back here in NewYork anyways?" She questions, a sigh escaping my lips as I shrug. That's one question I would love to know the answer to. I know he wasn't here just for me.
"I have no idea." I answer, meeting Tiffs gaze once again. She frowns lightly, chewing the inside of her cheek as we sit in silence for a moment. "I had another. . ." My sentence trails off as I desperately search for the correct words, nothing seeming to fit what I felt last night.
"Anxiety attack?"
All of the air leaves my lungs as they deflate, my eyes squinting at Tiffs suggestion. I don't know why I'm so surprised, anxiety is common in a lot of people. But I was never one of those people who dealt with it. It's never been an issue for me.
"If that's what you call it." I mumble, unsure of what to say. Tiff watches me for a moment, neither of us saying anything. And maybe neither of us know exactly what to say. "The point is," I finally voice. "Is that when I tried to call Harry, he shut his phone off."
Tiffs body visibly tenses as she glances around for a moment before finding my gaze once again. Her tongue glides over her bottom lip, the silence from her is loud and makes it hard to sit still.
"On purpose?" She questions, a sigh escaping my lips as I allow my forehead to fall into my palm. I lazily shrug my shoulders, wishing I was at home in my bed.
"I don't know, it rang through the first time and the second time it didn't." I explain, sitting back to look at Tiff. She stands the same way she was moments ago, although her face holds an obvious expression of confusion.
"I just don't understand why Harry would do that." She speaks her thoughts. "He never turns his phone off, we all know that." Tiff continues, her eyes dancing around the surface of the table that has old rings of condensation stained into the aging wood.
"I know." I whisper, the hurt coursing through my body all over again. I was sort of hoping Tiff would tell me that I'm being crazy and that there was so reason to be upset about this. I wish she would've told me that Harry can't be there every time, regardless if he promised or not.
But she isn't. She's agreeing. And that's what is making this situation so much more difficult for me to handle.
"Have you talked to him about it?" She asks after a moment. I shake my head slowly, drawing in a low breath as I straighten my posture up, seeing Niall and Zayn through the small gap between the curtains.
"No, but I don't want to talk about it anymore tonight. It's Nialls birthday, I don't want to ruin it." I explain quickly, my eyes flickering over Tiffs shoulder again, though this time they lock with Nialls.
"But—"
"Clover!" Nialls voice cuts off Tiff causing her mouth to clamp closed as Niall comes bouncing over to us. His arm wraps loosely around my body as he gives me a side hug, holding his drink in his other hand, carful not to spill it on me. "I'm glad you could make it." He tells me as he pulls away from our embrace.
"Of course I made it." I laugh, glancing over at Tiff who looks at me with a look of desperation. I give her a discrete shake of my head, silently telling her to let it go. And thankfully, Zayn steals her attention, the thoughts of my problems being shoved to the back of her mind almost immediately.
If only I could do the same.
"I haven't seen Harry yet tonight, figured you two would be together like always." Niall teases lightly, a forced smile crawling onto my lips as I shrug my shoulders.
"I'm actually not sure where he is either." I announce, Nialls saddened expression causes me to frown slightly. As much as I may not want to see Harry tonight, he should still be here. It's Nialls birthday and I'm sure he's been looking forward to seeing Harry. "I'm sure he'll be here." I assure him.
"He better be, I can't go too long without pissing him off or I'll go insane." Niall laughs, a genuine smile breaking the line of my lips. Leave it to Niall to make literally anybody feel even the tiniest bit better.
But all too soon, the smile fades from my lips and I'm snapped back to reality.
I find myself falling silent once again as Niall waves Hallie over who holds two more drinks in her hand. She smiles widely, making her way over to our table, her and Niall falling into their own quiet conversation. I sink my teeth into my bottom lip, beginning to feel extremely out of place.
My gaze falls back to the surface of the table where I find little faces in the swirls of the wood. My mind couldn't be further away as I trace the different shades of brown swirls with the tip of my finger, listening to the muffled noise around me that engulfs my thoughts.
I feel like there is so many emotions running through my body right now. I'm angry. I'm angry at my parents, I'm angry at myself and I want to be angry at Harry. But I'm also sad. I'm sad because no matter how much I want to let this go and just allow myself to feel some sort of happiness again, I can't.
I feel so alone. I feel like no matter how many people I surround myself with, I'm still going to feel lonely. Like there's nobody on my side. Like I'm just a background character in everyone else's lives that doesn't matter. Even in Harrys life. I don't feel important. And maybe I'm just not.
But I really, really, wish I was.
I'm not important to my parents, they don't love me or think about me like most parents would. They don't worry about me and why I haven't called them to ask how they're doing. They don't wonder if I'm doing okay in my classes or if I'm drinking enough water throughout the day. They don't wonder about me. They don't care.
And I don't expect them to either. But sometimes I wish they would. I wish my mom would've annoyed me about homework in high school. I wish my dad would've been stern about boys coming over past ten o'clock. I wish they would've protected me from the world that I had yet to learn was so cruel. I wish they would've cared. I wish they wouldn't have let me go so easily.
But they did.
All of my intrusive thoughts are shoved away and to the back of my mind when I feel the familiar feeling of cold metal against my skin. His hands gently rest on my sides, his scent invading my nose as he presses his front against my back.
"Late to the party as always, Styles." Tiff teases, my eyes flickering down to Harrys hands that now rest over my exposed stomach, his thumb gently circling the skin in a sweet and innocent way.
"I'm here, don't push it, Tiffany." He replies, his chest vibrating with the raspiness of his voice. Tiff rolls her eyes playfully as she leans into Zayn, sending me a subtle look which I choose to ignore. "Sorry I'm late." Harry mumbles quietly against my ear, his lips brushing against the skin causing me to shiver.
"No worries." I answer, feeling his soft lips press to my ear and then below it a couple of times. He sighs quietly, his hands moving to smooth up and down my thighs as he leaves sweet and delicate kisses to my neck. "Harry." I mumble, gently nudging him off.
"What's wrong?" He asks quietly, my eyes lowered to my lap where my hands sit without any movement. "I'm here now, I know I was late but—"
"That's not what's wrong." I snap louder than I had anticipated. Zayn and Tiff break from their conversation to look at the two of us. Harrys hands fall from their place on my hips as I roll my lips into my mouth, Tiffs eyes flickering between Harry and I.
"So there's something wrong?" Harry questions, moving to the side so he can actually look at me. I ignore his gaze as I push myself off of the barstool, only for Harry to step in front of me.
"Harry move, I'm not talking about this right now." I mutter up at him, his eyebrows furrowed deeply at me as he shakes his head. I swallow hard, looking over at Tiff and Zayn for any sort of help.
"Well I want to talk about it. I haven't done anything wrong." He argues, a soft scoff escaping my lips as I shake my head. He doesn't even know what he did. He doesn't think what he did was wrong. "You don't get to be pissed off at me and not tell me why, Clover. That's unfair." He continues.
"Enough, Harry." I voice lowly, my voice beginning to waver as I stare up at him. He shakes his head as he watches me before he looks over at Zayn who simply shrugs his shoulders. "We're not ruining Nialls birthday, we'll talk about it later." I say, Harry scoffing.
"He's pissed drunk, Clover. He doesn't even know it's his goddamn party. I want to talk about it now." He remarks causing me to huff, shoving past him with no response as I walk out of the lounge leaving him behind.
I push my way through the crowded staircase, my eyes frantically searching for gaps to move through as I near the back entrance. My heart slams against my ribs as I shove the door open, the cool night air engulfs my body whole as I draw in a sharp breath that stings my throat and lungs.
The parking lot is dark and empty, the only light coming from a tall street lamp that occasionally flickers. But it's enough light for me to be able to see my surroundings.
The door is once again shoved open, Harry coming out from the club with his fingers roughly running through his curls, pushing them out of his face. His stares at me with hard eyes, his jaw clenched tightly causing me to shake my head.
"I am not doing this with you right now, Harry." I speak, pacing slowly with my eyes trained on the pavement beneath my feet.
"For fucks sakes, Clover!" Harry barks, his harsh tone causing my pacing to halt and my face to snap towards him. "Why won't you ever fucking talk to me?" He continues, hurt and irritation laced in his voice as he shakes his head, watching me with wide eyes. "I want to understand but you won't let me." He voices, my chest aching at his words.
"Why didn't you answer me when I called you?" I ask, my voice shaky but still keeping a stern tone. Harry stares at me for a moment before his face twists with confusion. "Why didn't you answer?" I ask again, my voice cracking at the end as I stare at him.
"I didn't even know you called me." He answers, his eyes lowering as he thinks back to last night. His confusion only makes me feel more confused and hurt. How could he not have realized I was calling him? How didn't he know he shut his phone off?
"How did you not know, Harry? I needed you!" I snap, my hands beginning to shake at my sides as I watch him, waiting for him to answer me. "I needed you and you ignored me." I continue, my throat beginning to swell as my nose stings with a wave of tears that I desperately try to blink back.
"I never turned my phone off." He voices, the confusion clear on his face and in his voice. I shake my head in disbelief as I stare at him, his eyes searching mine desperately. All of a sudden, his face flashes with some sort of remembrance, followed by an expression of anger as his fists clench at his sides.
"Then who..."
My voice trails off into nothing as the back door of the bar opens once again. My eyes immediately flicker over, my chest deflating as the familiar blonde walks out with a taunting look on her face like always. I feel my heart sink in my chest as she looks between Harry and I. She somehow always shows up when Harry and I are arguing.
"Oh my god." I voice, watching intently as Harry stares at Allie with a clenched jaw. His eyes snap over at me as I put two and two together like a puzzle piece, my lips parting from one another as I shake my head.
"You shut my fucking phone off?!" Harry shouts at Allie, my mind racing with so many thoughts as I stare at my boyfriend who stands only inches away from the unbothered blonde. His voice echoes off the building and into the empty and quiet parking lot causing me to flinch.
"We were busy, chill out, would you?" Allie responds calmly. My chest rises and falls at a deathly slow pace as my heart stings and snaps in my chest, my eyes watering uncontrollably as I make it all make sense.
Harry didn't answer me because he was with Allie. She shut his phone off for a reason. They were busy. He wasn't even thinking about me. He was doing god knows what with her, I was the last thing on his mind when he was the first on mine. He was with her. He ignored me for her.
"Fuck you." I spit, surprising myself. Harrys face snaps away from Allie, his eyes meeting mine as he watches me. "Fuck you, you asshole!" I shout, my throat scratching and aching as thick tears roll down my cheeks and neck. "Fuck. You." I seethe, Harry shaking his head vigorously as he strides towards me.
"Clover, no. Please let me explain, we didn't do anything." He voices quickly, my feet carrying me further away from him but he only walks closer. "You have to believe me, nothing happened. All we did was talk." He explains, my tears making it impossible to see anything in front of me. "That's it. We were just talking, we were trying to work shit out." He continues, but the thoughts is my head are so loud and distracting I can barely even hear him.
"Leave me alone, Harry." I whisper, avoiding his eye contact. His hands reach out, gently hold my jaw, more tears flood down my cheeks and neck, leaving warm trails behind as I shake my head at him, holding back sobs. "Stop, I said leave me alone, Harry. I'm serious." I cry, struggling weakly against him.
"Look at me, baby." He desperately begs. "I love you, you know that I love you." He continues, his thumbs wiping away the continuous tears that fall over my waterline. I swallow thickly, my bottom lip trembling as I shake my head, finally meeting his gaze.
"Then why do you always choose her?" I question pathetically, his eyes softening as he shakes his head. He leans forward and presses his lips to my own, and then to my cheek multiple times. "I needed you." I whisper, my legs feeling weak as I allow my eyes to flutter closed.
"I'm so sorry. I'm sorry." He murmurs against my skin, his curls brushing the side of my face as he wraps his arms around my waist, my back arching against him as he hugs me. "I love you, it's always you. Please believe me, baby." He breathes against my skin, pulling away to meet my gaze, his eyes frantically searching my own.
"Please let go of me." I whisper, watching his face drop, his head shaking but nonetheless, he lets go of me. The tears glossing over his eyes makes my heart sink further in my chest as I turn to find that Allie is nowhere to be seen. The place she once stood is empty and I couldn't be more happy that she's gone.
"Please tell me what happened, I can fix this, I'll do everything I can." He voices shakily, his eyes watching me intently as I wipe my cheeks, shaking my head.
"I had an anxiety attack, Harry." I spit, looking over at him. His face drops as he stares at me, standing at least ten feet from me. His body visibly tenses, his eyes screwing closed for a long moment before he reopens them to meet my gaze again. "Because of my father."
"Anxiety?" He whispers questioningly, obviously not caught up enough to know that's what I'm now calling it. "I'm sorry, baby. I would've been there, you know I would have answered the minute I saw your call." He voices. A dry and sarcastic laugh, free if any humor, escapes my lips, causing Harry to frown.
"But you didn't." I whimper, Harry frowning deeply as he strides towards me, stopping a foot away from me. "Why were you with her?" I ask, staring up at him, he shakes his head, his hand reaching out towards me which only causes me to pull away.
"All we did was talk, we're just trying to be civil with each other." He answers, my fingers wiping away the few singular tears that slip over my waterline. I shake my head slowly, chewing my bottom lip as I avoid his eye contact. "I didn't know she shut my phone off." He mumbles.
"It must have been a pretty important conversation for my call to be such a burden." I reply, hearing him sigh lowly. I swallow hard, glancing over at the door as a group of people stumble out loudly, all of them basing completely wasted and unaware of Harry and I's presence.
"Don't." He mumbles, reaching out to grab ahold of my hand. I turn to face him, Harry pulling me close so that our chests come in contact. "Don't say that. You're always the most important thing to me, you know that." He murmurs, pushing my hair behind my ear with his free hand. "Come home with me and talk to me about what happened with your dad." He suggests, leaning down and pressing his lips to my cheek bone.
"Harry." I mumble, not wanting to give into him this easily. I know I should be pissed off at him, I know I should leave right now and make sure he knows that what happened isn't ever going to happen again. But I love him. And all I want to do is vent and cry to him. I need him to kiss me and love me, I need him right now. And sure, he wasn't here before but right now he is. And right now, he's what I need.
"Please." He whispers, gently kissing the warm skin of my neck, his hands slowly rubbing up and down my back as he holds me close to him. "Let me at least try to make this right, and then tomorrow you can be pissed at me again. But I need you right now, like you need me." He rasps against my ear, pulling away to find my gaze.
I nod my head slowly, Harry sighing with relief as he bends down and shoves his lips against mine for a moment before he pulls away. He leads me to his car, pulling the door open for me and watching as I lower myself into the seat, turning to look up at him.
"I'm still mad at you." I tell him, the corner of his lips quirking into a smirk as he nods his head curtly before closing the door.
—
Holy shit, happy (late) update. I'm really sorry this took so long. I was feeling super unmotivated and I've been so busy recently that my only free time is when I'm sleeping.
I hope this was okay, I promise I'm trying to get back into frequent updates, especially with all of the new readers.
Thank you guys for your never ending support, it truly does mean the world to me.
Much love
~C