That was my Anthony. For hours on end I'd pace the room, waiting for him to do absolutely anything. There's nothing to protect when children's parents just do it for them. That's the first mistake of humanity, and the last, considering how dependent they become in their older state. I can't blame the humans for it, but I can see the definite embarrassment in it. I think they see it too after a certain age.
Dependence is an awful thing. I was so blind to realize it would become one of my own sins. I'm not entirely sure why we're sent here to guard humans with blind folds over our eyes. I was too blind to realize how hopelessly in love with Anthony I am. In my eyes it's the worst kind of dependence. Romance is not that bad of a thing amongst humans. It's a beautiful thing. It's a beautiful thing that belongs to them, and not for angels like me. I took the bait though. Perhaps a little late, but I still took it.
He grew up wonderful. I watched him become wonderful. He was a sweet child. He liked playing in the garden and swimming in cool streams. He treated his mother well and had a strong mind like his father, who ran a cotton mill in town. Business owners like that always made lots of money.
Anthony's mother was well cared for, yet humble. She raised her son to be respectable and well mannered. I suppose if he had to be anything he should be kind to women. It was untypical of the time period, but he was also untypical. He was very untypical. I realized this a cold winter's day when he was about sixteen.
I was following him around as usual. I never had much else to do. Why would I want to do anything else? The human world was too big, and too overwhelming. Anthony's small world was enough for me. He was sitting around the breakfast table. From what I remember of it he was talking about simple things from school. He was talking all about the work and the rude teachers. Their work was excessive and the teachers were rude, so I didn't put an end to his complaining. Those complaints were completely normal. The rest of his meal was completely normal.
After breakfast he got ready for school and left the house. The wind nipped against his nose. Why ever people thought having children walk to school in those conditions still bewilders me. I mumbled to Anthony, "You should put on your scarf so you don't get a cold."
He brought his scarf up over his nose and I was satisfied for the time being. I'm surprised at myself for that. Anthony could never be safe enough. Perhaps I was a little too protective of him, but perhaps I wasn't protective enough.
During the school day I usually let Anthony handle himself. He was well mannered enough not to cause trouble. He got into school that day just fine, and I left him because he seemed fine. Meanwhile I mingled with other angels.
"Well if it isn't our Oridon!" Ariel cheered. Ariel is rather interesting, and perhaps the only angel who ever actually cared about me. The others didn't have emotions, so they didn't care. I didn't care much either. I was just any other angel. Nobody taught us how to care about each other, just our simple humans, and that's all. Ariel was different though. They've been around since the beginning of time, and nurtured the life in the garden.
Things happened in that garden. I'm sure you know that. Well Ariel being... Ariel... Took note of what was happening and came to discover emotion and rationality. The leash around their neck became a little bit looser with every step, until they got some kind of free will, yet remained loyal -or at least I thought they were loyal. Everyone knew about their freedom, but nobody had enough reason to care.
I didn't for the first bit of our knowing each other, because I was like every other angel. I took my place with the other angels. I was just another angel. It would be my last day of being just another angel, and the safety of Anthony's little world would seem like a demon reaching for Heaven.
At the end of the school day I shuffled back to Anthony. I didn't think anything of walking away from my kind. It was just any other day. Anthony was just any other human. I was just any other angel. I followed him home, as normal. Why couldn't things have stayed normal?
Anthony loved birds. He had made friends with a murder of crows. I never trusted things with black wings. They're always impure. He loved them though, and ruining his joy would have killed me, so I let him. Those birds never hurt him, not even once. They just gave him the joy he wanted.
He fed them as he did every day after school. I sat there and watched for them to draw blood from his warm fingers. Of course it never came, but I still watched. I never felt anything but protective. I could have felt anxious, or scared, or perhaps even jealous. In fact I should have felt like that, but emotions like that dangled above my head yet again. What would I'd do now to have them be out of reach right now? Anything, really, but even wanting that is a feeling of love.
Anthony giggled as he fed them raw flesh. They tore it apart with their awful beaks. It was all so destructive. Their nurture came from a beautiful hand though. I couldn't fight something born from love. They got their daily meal, and then flew away.
After that Anthony sat down to do his homework and lollygag around the house. It was his free time. I didn't guide him during this time, though I should have, and if I had he'd be much better off. That was the first of many mistakes I'd ever make.
He had been learning things besides mathematics and literature. I'm not sure when he first started learn other things, but he had them wrapped up in his head. In the middle of the night he dragged himself out of bed. At one time I sat at the edge of the bed to watch over him in the night. He was most vulnerable at night. If anything happened I'd have to be the one to defend him. Forbid it, a demon could have came in through the window. No human could have protected him in the same way I could.
Anthony seemed to be asking for trouble though. He had a good life. It was good enough. I did good. He was a spoiled brat -that's what he was. He was well mannered, but he had the world handed to him. Money corrupted him, as it does most humans. He had no concept of what items are worth, just as I had no concept of what feelings of pain are worth. I wish somebody had told me that there's value in suffering. It's the worst kind of suffering to find out yourself. Knowing myself, I probably would have had to find it out for myself anyway. Anthony had to find it out for himself too. No good deed ever comes free. He learned it well.
It was pitch black. He stumbled through town. I followed close behind. It struck me that he could have been sleep walking, but I shoved that though away. He seemed too coordinated to be sleep walking. I couldn't figure out what he was doing.
When we reached the outer rims of town I realized that he was most likely running away. I found that to be incredibly stupid of him. What he actually did was more than a lifetime's worth of stupidity. He stopped at a crossroads and fell to his knees right in the middle. I went and sat down next to him.
"You should go home."
He didn't listen to my suggestion. I was nothing more than the little thought in the back of his head. I was too easy to shake away. He was focusing on bigger things. I just sat there waiting for him to do anything.
"Give me something to work with. Do something," I muttered, mostly to myself. I'm not sure if he heard it or not.
But he did do something.
He dug a small hole with his hands and tossed a box into it. I knew exactly what he was doing at that moment.
"Anthony! Don't!"
It was too late. He wasn't listening. He pushed the dirt back over the box and within moments she was standing there.
"Ello, ello, Anthony."
Anthony looked slightly disappointed. He tilted his head and asked, "Are you a demon?"
She bent over slightly, just to meet at eye level with him and get all up in his face. She smiled a crooked smile as she purred, "Why yes, I am."
Anthony bit his lip. I shouted at him, "Run, go on you spoiled brat! You have all you need!"
He wasn't listening.
"I'd like to sell my soul," he said, too calmly for what a soul is worth.
"Rude prick, you're not even going to ask my name. That's no way to treat a lady."
I was sick of the situation already. I had to protect him. I manifested for the first time. Human bodies are weird. They're fleshy meat suits and very constricting at first. Humans feel the same. The soul of a human is forced into such a small body, and it's constantly spilling and pushing at the edges. That why babies cry so much. I don't blame them for crying about their bodies. I became more accustomed to mine later on. It could never match my angelic self though, just like how a human body can never match a human soul. They only reveal a glimpse of it through the eyes.
Anthony turned his gaze to me.
"I don't care about your name. Now I don't think I need two. Why are there two of you?"
I could see the fear in his eyes. His soul was trembling. No wonder he couldn't hear me. His own soul was urging him too loud. Perhaps I could have gotten through his head if the times were different, but now I was on the same field as Anthony, and I didn't know how to play it right. I wobbled over to Anthony. "You don't need one, you fool. I'm not a demon."
Calling him a fool was my worst move. He was being foolish though. He wasn't the fool though. I was.
"Then what are you?"
Manaphel shouted at him, "She's an angel, obviously."
I turned to Manaphel. "Let's get some things straight. First off, you have no right to call my Anthony a rude prick, secondly, you have no business showing up for him, and thirdly I'm not a woman."
Manaphel poked my nose and snickered, "You're right. I must need glasses. Heaven usually doesn't issue you angels pretty boy bodies so I took an assumption. Don't worry, my side assumed what kind of body I wanted and they got it wrong too. We're all wrong sometimes. Hmm?" She paused for a brief second before humming, "Let me guess, this is your first manifestation. Good for you. I could kick the back of your knee and it would be funny. I've got better places to kick you. I'm surprised you're even standing. Your voice needs to be sorted out too. Sounds like you ate a bunch of squeaky chalk boards."
She then kneed me in the crotch. I lost all my sense of balance and fell to the ground. Regretfully, I made a high pitched noise of some sort. I learned two emotions then; anger and embarrassment. I groaned as I laid on the ground. I had learned what pain felt like too.
"Well congratulations, Anthony, he is just a pretty boy and he's complete with a full set. D'ja hear him squeak?" Manaphel asked as she wrapped her arm around Anthony. He nodded and chuckled a bit. I propped myself up on my elbows and watched. "Manaphel, please he's a good boy. Don't he's too young."
Manaphel spat at me and said, "He's old enough to sign a contract. Aren't-cha Anthony? Hm?"
"I... I suppose so."
She creeped a sharp nail up his chest. "So what'll it be? Money? Somebody you want healed? Great talent? Hmm?"
Anthony looked down at the ground and mumbled something to her. I couldn't hear what. Her reaction let me know it was something untypical. She patted his chest and said, "I see. Look, I'm giving you a chance to live with yourself."
"I don't want to."
"Okay, whatever. Yeah, I'll do it," she said as she pulled out the paper. She opened it and looked at me. She mouthed the word, "Really?" to me. My lips parted. I couldn't say anything though. I was the fool because I didn't know what he asked for. Somebody like him had the world, and I couldn't figure out what he wanted most.
Anthony signed the paper. I felt part of me start to crumble. I failed as an angel. I lost my paradise. Disappointment was the next emotion I learned.
"Shame to you, Anthony. You've disgusted me," I muttered as I got off the ground. Disgust was a new emotion too. I was not only disgusted with him, but also myself because I didn't win him over enough to save him. The blame lies on my lips and tongue, because I didn't have the right words I needed to save him with. I was learning to respond with anger, when I should have been giving him love.
Anthony stared at me and said, "You're an angel. You should know all about love. Why am I punished by it?"
I crossed my arms over my chest. I rolled my eyes and sneered, "I'm an angel, not a mind reader. Anthony, dear, I'm also not in the business of love. I'm in the business of protecting you, and thanks to you, I'm now a complete and utter failure."
Manaphel slapped Anthony's hind end. "No good deed ever comes free. Go on, you sick dogs, I'll be a long with you later."
I glared at Manaphel. "Don't touch him."
"You're jealous," she stated before disappearing. I suppose I was a lot of things in that moment. I was washed over with feelings, and lots of them. I felt like my knees were going to give way again, and my chest started to hurt. For the first time ever, I started to cry.
"You're crying," Anthony said as he stared at me. His expression was blank. Nobody would have guessed he sold his soul with a face as calm as that. I was the emotional one. With what he had just done, and the way I was acting, I knew that I cared for him more than he cared for himself. I met that with anger, yet again.
I finally let my knees give way. I fell to the ground again and shouted, "Stop looking at me! I'm-"
"I'm sorry," Anthony said, "But I figured if I want something born from sin, I should turn to sin to get it. I knew I was Hell bound. I, at least, get something out of it now."
"What did you ask for?" I sobbed as I put my head between my knees. I let my tears make tiny wet dots in the soil below.
"I wished for love."
All he wanted was love.
"That's daft. You could have picked any fine lady. You're rich. They'll come running."
Anthony sat down beside me. "I know. I'm not interested in them though. Maybe this will... Make me more interested."
My head shot up. "You're not?" I asked as I looked at him. I pushed him back against the ground. "You daft, spoiled brat, you should have told me."
"I... I didn't know about you until five minutes ago," he responded with nothing but fear in his voice. His eyes seemed disgusted though. Guilt resonated in my chest. A human was telling me better.
"I suppose that's right."
"Are you one too?"
I let go of him and said, "Of course not. I'm an angel. Stuff like that isn't for me."
Anthony laid back in the dirt. "I wish that were the case with me."
"Get up. You're human. Me being stuck in this human body makes me feel... Feel things. Lots of things. I don't like it," I sighed as I got off the ground. I brushed my robes off and looked down at Anthony. He sat up, but didn't get off the ground.
I drew in a deep breath and rolled my eyes. "Anthony, you should really get up. You're getting absolutely dirty. Your father is going to be upset with you for ruining your clothes. You know that."
Anthony looked down and asked, "Where are you going to go?"
I hadn't thought about that. Thinking for myself was an issue. I technically wasn't supposed to, but I did when I tried to stop him, so I had to do it then too. My leash was getting looser. I stared at him simply. "With you of course. I always have. I need to keep you safe. I don't know why, but I don't know anything else to do. I'll go with you."
What a stupid answer. Couldn't I have thought up anything better? I'm sure he didn't even want to see me, yet have me live with him.
"Oh."
I started to walk back home. Anthony quickly got up and ran up to me. He slowed to a walk. I raised an eyebrow at him as I asked, "Do you have anything else stupid that you could do? Anything else that's more disappointing?"
All he wanted was love. I met him with disappointment.
He looked down at his feet. "Uh... No. I think I'm good for tonight."
"Well that's good. You know, I don't understand you humans. You're just little specks in the universe, yet you have to have it all. You especially. You have everything you could ever want, yet you sell your soul for the sake of love. You are such an idiot. Will anything ever be enough for you? I- oh."
He was crying. I made him cry. As if I couldn't be any worse of an angel. I frowned slightly and said, "You're crying."
"I know," he sobbed, in a way that made him sound like he was trying to whisper, but wanted to scream. His cheeks were red, probably from crying and the chill in the atmosphere. I felt my stomach twist in knots while looking at him like that. I had hurt him. How could I do such a thing? I thought I was doing good. I wanted to make him good, even though there was no more chance of him reaching Heaven. My will was too strong. I wanted to take everything back. Mouths are like daggers, and I had just stabbed him. I was stabbing him over and over again. He was already a dead man, yet I couldn't help but stab him more just to get my anger about his death out of the way. I was beating the life out of a dead man.
Then rightfully, he stabbed himself with my own knife.
"I know. I'm a spoiled brat."
He understood what I was saying. Every word I said was getting through his brain. Every stab to the chest was finally bleeding. As I looked at him, I saw the pain that was scribbled all over his face, and suddenly I didn't want him to be bleeding anymore.
I felt mad at myself, mad at the universe, and most of all mad at him. I stabbed him again simply because I didn't know how to stop the bleeding.
"You're such a child, Anthony! Get over yourself!"
He sniffled a bit before deciding to run. I wanted to go after him, but my feet didn't seem to carry me anywhere. I just fell to my knees and watched him run. Wherever he was going, I couldn't reach him.
"I... I lost my human," I sobbed to myself, hoping that I would pity myself. I didn't pity myself. In fact I made my emotional state worse. I started to think about what I said and how quickly I had changed. It then struck me that for the first time since being sent to Earth I was alone.