"...you're special."
"Eren...key...basement..."
"Founding...Marley..."
She found herself standing back in her office, the sunlight gleaming off the finish of her desk and illuminating the bright orange curtains and sage green wallpaper.
A knock on the door.
"Come in." She called. Like usual, her brother opened the door and walked in, closing it behind him. He looked the same as he did every time she had this dream, and she seemed to be having this recurring dream more frequently lately. Angharad still had no idea if this was a sick and twisted creation of her brain, or if this was an actual memory.
"Grisha?" She felt herself move, reaching out to turn her older brother's face towards hers. She could see the tears he was always holding back, but he still wouldn't meet her eyes. "What's wrong?" Why won't you look at me?
"I need to talk to you." His voice was hoarse, and scratchy. Even after so many times of reliving this moment in her sleep, it still gave her chills. The more she found herself back here, the more she realized just how unlike himself Grisha was acting.
"You can tell me anything." She responded, the same way she always did, automatically and out of her own control. "I'm your sister, you can trust me." Tell me why I keep ending up back here.
"I don't know if you'll feel that way after I tell you what I've been hiding."
"Hiding?" She took a step back from him now. "Grisha, you're scaring me."
"You're 33-years old now." Grisha, I'm 37. Angharad wanted to clench her fists in anger, to be able to control even the smallest part of her own body. Still, she had no control over her physical actions.
Her brother reached into his pocket and hid the contents behind his back, yet she already knew what it was after being here so many times. Angharad felt the room grow colder. A change to the usual routine of the dream. "You deserve to know the truth." Yet again, his voice was muffled, like he was talking to her through the same stupid noise barrier that appeared during this part of the conversation.
"Grisha." She called out. She tried to move forward. He continued on, unaware that she still couldn't hear him. Her brother's figure turned around, and his voice became audible again.
"Do you understand?" His voice was shaky, and his gaze was ducked down, out of her sight. Angharad grew angry now.
"No!" She cried out to him, now able to at least speak freely and of her own volition. "I don't understand anything about this. Why can't I control my own body? Why do I keep having this stupid dream?!"
But her brother didn't hear the change in her usual script.
"It's the only way." Her brother responded. "He will be humanity's greatest hope." She knew he was still talking about Eren.
"The truth about what?! What have you done to him?" She screamed, her voice cracking with the sudden change in volume. "What have you done to my nephew?"
"No. He needs to forget...for now. You both do."
"Forget about what?! I don't even remember any of this happening!"
Grisha turned to face her. She could see the syringe in his hand. The purple liquid inside causing her heart to beat faster.
Grisha turned to look at his younger sister. Angharad took a step back. Grisha moved quickly, and even though she could predict his every move in this liminal space, she was still unable to fend off her brother's attack, and she felt the pinprick of the needle before she knew it.
Her body became weightless. She grasped at her brother's jacket, trying to hold herself up. "Grisha! Why does this keep happening?"
"Sleep, my dear sister." Her brother gently laid her down on the couch. Her hands felt numb, and she couldn't move no matter how hard she willed her body to obey. Grisha turned to exit her office. With his hand on the doorknob, he turned to look at his younger sister one last time. "You will see home soon enough."
"But I don't want to go back to Marley. I want to stay here, on the island." She was losing the use of her voice as she faded. "This is my home now."
Her eyes closed, and she found herself shrouded in darkness. Floating weightlessly through an empty, dark space with no destination.
A knock on the door.
~
She gasped awake, lurching her body into an upright position, the silver, diamond-shaped key swinging against her chest. As she reached up to close her fingers around the key, there was another knock on the door, now accompanied by a voice.
"Lieutenant Jaeger?" Layla's voice sounded from the other side, before the small redhead peaked her head in the door. "Did you forget?" She smiled cheekily upon seeing her Squad Leader laid out on the couch in her office, her pale blonde hair free flowing over her shoulders and chest.
"Forget what?" Hearing how groggy her voice sounded, she cleared her throat and tucked the key back into her shirt.
"The supply run to Trost? You said Commander Erwin was sending us and a couple of wagons to collect supplies for the upcoming expedition in a few weeks.
'Oh right." She pushed her bangs out of her face. "Give me a few minutes and I'll meet you guys downstairs." Layla nodded and made to exit, but she paused at the doorway.
"Have you been sleeping okay?" Angharad looked up, her brows furrowing as she felt a weird sense of déjà vu wash over her.
"Yea." She nodded, hoping to look more convincing. She stood up from the couch, walking towards Layla at the door. "I'm fine."
"If you say so." Layla nodded and let Ang close the door behind her as she made her exit. Angharad turned to lean her back against the dark frame, the sigh she blew out of her mouth fluttering her bangs around her face. She stayed with her back against the door for another moment before she pushed herself off and made her way to her bedroom in order to prepare for the day's journey to Trost.
~
A pair of golden eyes flickered around his surroundings, looking for the matching pair. It had been a few months since Jeramiah Gray had last seen his twin brother, and he was antsy, bouncing on the balls of his feet as he searched for the face that matched his own. But he could only see unrecognizable faces, people of all social statuses swarmed the overcrowded streets of the district of Trost. Still, he followed behind his Squad Leader and his girlfriend.
Worrisome mothers clutching their babies or running after sneaky toddlers. Men in high class, neatly tailored suits with hats pulled low over their brows. Farmers and merchants stationed along the streets with their wooden carts and displays of goods for purchase. The bakery they passed wafted the scent of freshly baked bread through the block, while further down he could see the sign for an apothecary, and upon closer inspection, he could hear a man standing outside vocally advertising the range of new scents one could have made into various soaps and perfumes. The sounds of children playing could be heard somewhere he could not immediately see, and then the ringing of the bells of the local Church of the Walls.
He passed a family of four walking together, the mother pulling along a young child too distracted by everything else to pay attention to where he was going, while the older looking sibling chattered on about something Jeremiah didn't care to pay attention to. The father had a newspaper tucked under one arm, while the other was holding his wife's hand. He pulled his family through the crowded streets, occasionally looking back to ensure the rest of his family were still with him before looking forward again to avoid running into other pedestrians.
So many faces, and none of them belonged to James. He was starting to wonder if he would ever be able to find him in the bustling zoo of Trost.
James hadn't given much information about his new station in the Garrison, just that he was located in Trost, and that his superior officer was old friends with Angharad. His last letter was less than a page long, and Jeremiah wondered if his brother realized that he was distancing himself from his family and not just the Scouts.
The bell above the door rang as they entered the supply depot, and he could see Angharad speaking to the soldier behind the desk, exchanging the proper paperwork back and forth. A signature here, another one there. And then they were off again, walking out the door and back down the streets to retrieve the wagons. And even though they were walking back the way they came, passing all the same shops and storefronts, Jeremiah searched for his brother, hoping to see golden eyes and shaggy brunette hair, all while sporting the logo of the Garrison.
As they turned the corner and began to mount their horses, which were then hooked up to 3 individual wagons, Angharad turned to face her two remaining members of her squad.
"Okay, so I'm thinking that since the cannisters are a bit heavier, we can split them between two wagons along with the fresh blades, while the last one can carry the medical supplies." Layla nodded in agreement as she mounted her horse, pulling on the reigns to head towards the pick-up station. Jeremiah was silent as he did the same. The wagons creaked and rattled against the brick and cobblestone streets of Trost.
An hour later, the wagons were loaded, and they were ready to set off back towards Scout HQ. Ang turned to mount Onyx, her hands gripping the saddle, ready to pull herself up, when she suddenly paused. Her body completely frozen, staring into the dark leather in front of her eyes. Onyx shifted, sensing his owner's unease.
"Lieutenant?" Layla noticed the blonde woman frozen in place. The petite redhead watched as the woman reached up to rub the back of her neck underneath her braids, then turn to look over her shoulder. "Everything okay?" Angharad shook off the familiar tingle that spread through the nape of her neck and looked up at Layla seated in her saddle.
"Yea." She pulled herself to mount Onyx, but her face was still pulled into a confused frown. "We have to make one more stop before we head back." And with no warning she lead Onyx and his connecting wagon away from the pick-up station, causing the other two soldiers to follow after her.
She guided them a few blocks towards the city's center, making a right, and then two lefts, pulling into a large courtyard. She slowed Onyx to a stop, dismounting and reaching out to a passing Garrison soldier.
"Do you know where I can find Rico Brzenska?" The soldier nodded and turned to point out the correct directions. She nodded in thanks and faced the wagons again. "Layla, guard the supplies. Jeremiah, you're with me."
He followed her through the hallways until she stopped in front of a large ornate door and knocked twice. Jeremiah straightened his spine and stood tall with his shoulders back. A voice called for them to enter, and Angharad turned the doorknob and pushed the door open. She walked into the middle of the room and saluted, her left arm pulled behind her back, and her fist against her heart, Jeremiah doing the same.
The woman behind the desk and saluted back. She was small in stature, her blonde hair laid in choppy layers, and the glasses she wore had similar straps to Section Commander Hanji Zoe's battle goggles. The two women smiled at each other and leaned over to hug each other over the desk. Rico gestured to the two chairs in front of her desk, and Angharad sat gently in the plush green cushioning. Jeremiah followed reluctantly.
"Jeremiah, this is Rico Brzenska. She and I have known each other since our days in the Cadet Corps." Rico smirked and leaned back in her own chair.
"God, that feels like so long ago." She laughed gently. "We're so old now."
"Oh hush!" Angharad scolded playfully. She reached out to gesture to Jeremiah this time. "This is Jeremiah Gray. Although I suspect you already knew who he was based on your new squad member."
"Yes, you and James look exactly alike. It was hard to miss." Jeremiah sat straighter in his seat, unaware of how to respond to the respected Garrison Officer.
"That's usually what happens in the case of twins, ma'am." Rico smiled at his jest. She pointed to the door as she spoke next.
"If you go down the hall, make a right, and two lefts, he's the last door on the left." Jeremiah slowly looked to Angharad, who nodded back in permission for him to leave the office. With his superior's permission, he all but jumped from his seat and raced down the corridors. Following Rico's instructions, he soon found what he was looking for. He could hear someone moving around on the other side, and he raised his fist to knock.
The door opened before he could do so.
"Are you gonna stand there all day, or are you actually gonna come in?" James Gray stared at his twin with apathetic eyes and tousled hair. He was in his uniform sans his tan jacket. Jeremiah grinned and reached out to pull his brother into a hug, though James wasn't as enthusiastic about the action.
"How have you been?" Jeremiah asked as he pulled back. James turned to walk back into the room, sitting on the edge of the bed, and Jeremiah took that as his cue to enter. James shrugged, opting not to answer verbally. "How's your new station? Have you been on top of the wall yet?" James nodded and leaned forward to prop his elbow on his knees.
"Yea. I'm usually up there. I'm part of one of the patrol units, so I just walk back and forth all day."
"How's the view?" Jeremiah noticed how his brother's answers were short.
"It's alright. Nothing like being outside the walls, but it's pretty during sunset." James moved to kick off his boots. "Is Layla with you?"
"Yea, she's outside guarding the wagons. We came to pick up the supplies for the expedition." Jeremiah noticed his brother's face twist into a scowl briefly before he forced his expression back to something more neutral. "She misses you." Jeremiah sighed. "We all do. Eld and Gunther miss having someone else to play pranks on Oluo with." The younger twin nodded, looking down at the floor beneath his feet.
"So the Lieutenant is here?" Jeremiah noticed how his brother's voice hardened, how his hands clenched into fists in his lap.
"Yea, she's talking with your Superior Officer in her office."
"When is the expedition?"
"In a few weeks." James nodded, but Jeremiah could see that he was holding something back. "What is it?" James looked up, two pairs of matching golden eyes meeting each other.
"What do you mean?"
"We're twins James. I can tell when something is bothering you." Jeremiah held his brother's stare. "Tell me what's wrong." James bounced his knee a few times in thought.
"I just don't see how you could stay there after what she did." James clenched his fists tighter, the callouses on his palms creaking as he did so.
"Lieutenant Jaeger didn't do anything wrong, James." Jeremiah sighed. "You know what it's like out there firsthand. You know how quickly something can go wrong."
"No." James shook his head. "Angharad could have put her in a different position than the second brigade, someplace with a little less risk of an attack."
"Lieutenant Jaeger and Commander Erwin assigned Ilse to the second brigade because they were testing her for a Squad Leader position." Jeremiah stepped closer to his brother. "You know they needed to test how well she performed under pressure while being in charge of other cadets."
"What she needed was to be safe." James stood to his full height, stepping forward to face the older twin. "She needed to stay in our unit, so that I could keep an eye on her."
"James, you can't change what happened." Jeremiah's voice was calm, but his chest constricted in grief.
"So I should just let it go?!" James' voice was louder now, his anger bubbling back to the surface.
"No! That's not what I'm saying. But what you're doing now isn't working." Jeremiah ran a hand through his shaggy locks. "You're fixating on the 'what if' and it's not healthy." Jeremiah reached to squeeze at James' shoulders, pleading with him to see reason.
"That's easy for you to say." James stepped back, out of Jeremiah's reach. "You still have your girlfriend."
"You think I'm not worried for her every time we go out there?" Jeremiah was angry now. If his brother wanted a fight, then fuck it, he was gonna get one. "You think I don't have to restrain myself from dragging her back through the gates, that I don't worry for her when I can't see her, or when she's sent to relay messages to the Commander?"
"But she's still alive. She's still fighting and coming home, and training, and eating meals with the rest of you." James seethed. "And Angharad just continues to walk around like it's nothing. She doesn't even care, Ilse was just another soldier to her."
"Now you're being selfish. You know that's not true." Jeremiah stepped forward and bumped his chest with James. "You can't keep doing this to yourself. You've changed. I can tell you're barely sleeping."
Jeremiah was right. James knew it too. The younger twin was not doing well. He tossed and turned all night, either unable to sleep, or plagued with images of his beloved being snatched up in the hands of a titan, its large teeth clamping down around her, all the while screaming for James to save her. And he never could, each time he was always seconds too late, unable to save the woman he loved. But the nightmares followed him while he was awake too. Every titan he saw on the other side of the wall, he couldn't help but wonder 'Is this the one who killed her?'
"You're right." James agreed. "I'm not okay. And I'm tired of people expecting me to act like I am. My girlfriend died, and I didn't even get to say goodbye. One minute she was there, and the next she was gone. And we didn't even look for her. Hell, Angharad didn't even think to tell me she was dead until we were back at HQ."
"Maybe she didn't know until we were back either." Jeremiah argued. "Or maybe she knew your dumbass would go looking for her, and she wanted to avoid another casualty." He sighed, his chest heaving, and he forced himself to take a few more deep breaths. James sat down on the edge of his bed again, any anger he was feeling had dissipated, now leaving him feeling hollow, and empty.
"You'll never understand." James held back tears now. "Unless something happens to Layla, you'll never know how I feel." Jeremiah didn't know how to respond. For once, he found himself unable to help his twin, an unnerving feeling settling in his stomach. He felt completely helpless, James was drowning in his emotions, and not even Jeremiah was able to keep the remaining pieces of his brother from falling apart. "I don't wish this pain on anyone."
"James..." His twin was visibly defeated, the tears that gathered in his eyes, were now spilling over.
"Just go." James whispered, and he ducked his head to face the floor. Jeremiah ignored his brother's demand, instead cautiously moving forward to comfort him. But James hopped up from the bed, pushing and shoving at his brother's chest, forcing him back towards the door. "Didn't you hear me? I said go! Get out!"
Jeremiah fought back, trying to push his brother off, but in his grief, James was stronger. And he managed to push Jeremiah out of the door, slamming it shut the first chance he got. Jeremiah leaned on the door, his head pushed against the wood as he listened to his twin's sobbing from the other side. He stayed there for a few minutes, waiting for James to open the door again, waiting for his brother to accept the help he needed, not wanting him to mourn alone.
But it never came. The door never opened, and he walked back down the hallways with a heavy heart.
~
Jeremiah had gone back to the wagons in silence, and upon seeing Layla's worried gaze directed towards him, he realized that James' had a point. How could he tell James how unhealthy and selfish he was being over losing his girlfriend, which he was, when he was still able to come home to his own love?
"Everything okay?" Layla's worried gaze was pinned to his downcast eyes as he hopped on the back of the wagon, the toes of his boots resting on the bricks below him. Jeremiah didn't answer. It was about ten minutes later when Angharad came walking out into the courtyard with Rico. The two short, blonde women hugged, before they both saluted one another. Rico patted Ang's arm as she walked away.
Ang paused at the sight of her soldiers. Layla was sitting next to Jeremiah on the back edge of the wagon, her hand on his knee. Neither of them were speaking, but Ang could tell that something was wrong. Jeremiah's expression was pulled into a deep frown and Layla was visibly worried.
"Everything okay? What happened?" Ang suspected that Jeremiah's mood was probably a result of something that happened with James. But if being a pseudo-parent had told her anything, it was that pushing your kids to talk to you wouldn't get you anywhere. They would open up when they were ready, when they trusted you enough to talk to you. So, upon receiving no response, she nodded in understanding. Whatever happened was obviously serious to upset Jeremiah enough into silence. "It's getting late in the afternoon, and we still have a two hour ride back to HQ. Let's go."
Mounting Onyx, she pulled her wagon out of the way so Layla and Jeremiah could follow behind her with their own. And a little over two hours later they were pulling into the main courtyard of Scout HQ. Ang could see Levi and Mike standing with Erwin in conversation, their respective squads all pairing up to get ready to spar in the combat circles. Ang pulled on Onyx's reigns to park the wagon by the storage house, Layla and Jeremiah doing the same with their own loads. She unhitched Onyx from the wagon, leading him to the stables, where the cadet on duty took the reigns from her to put him back in his stall. She nodded in thanks and made her way to the other commanding officers.
"Captain. Section Commander. Commander Erwin." She greeted all three men with a salute. They saluted back. and Erwin turned to look down at her.
"How did the pickup go? Did you run into trouble? It's a little late in the afternoon." She shook her head with a smile.
"No trouble, but I stopped to see Rico at the Garrison HQ. She said 'hello' by the way." Her expression dropped and she looked over her shoulder at her two soldiers, before turning back to her three friends. "But I think something happened with James."
"James? You saw him?" Levi asked. Again, Ang shook her head.
"No, but I allowed Jeremiah to see him. And I think they had a fight. He hasn't said a word since we left."
"Siblings fight all the time." Mike commented.
"No. I think this one was serious. I've never seen him like this." She turned to look at Jeremiah again when she frowned. The large brunette seemed to be arguing with Layla, his face was visibly angry, and he was gesturing with his hands. "Excuse me, gentlemen."
"I'm telling you, the more I think about it, the more I'm starting to think he's right."
"Jay, he's depressed, and maybe he has a point with you and me, but she's not heartless." Layla was trying to reason with him, but the tall brunette wasn't listening.
"What's going on here?" Ang questioned, her hands behind her back. She was fully in command mode. Jeremiah sighed and turned away from her, his fist clenching at his sides.
"Everything is fine." Layla responded.
"Obviously, it's not, because now it's an issue and it's causing unnecessary distractions." Ang's voice was sharp, leaving no room for argument. "Now, I'll ask again. What's the issue here?"
"Do you even care?" Jeremiah asked, he was still turned away from her, but she could still see his face. "James said that you didn't care that Ilse's dead and I called him selfish. But the more I think about it the more I think he's right."
"Excuse me?" Ang prompted.
"I've thought about this, and James said-"
"Okay I'm gonna stop you right there. If we're going to continue this conversation it's going to be in my office. But we are not having it here, out in the open."
"Why?" Jeremiah turned to face his superior.
"Why, what? Why should this conversation be held in private?"
"No, why do you not care?"
"You think I don't care?" Ang questioned, her brows pulled into annoyance.
"I know you don't care. You haven't shown one ounce of remorse since the last expedition. We haven't seen one single showcase of emotion other than when you had to tell James and now I'm starting to think that it was false advertising." Jeremiah stalked forward, shaking off Layla as she tried to hold him back and pushed himself as close to Angharad as possible without actually touching her. Ang tried not to show a sense of unease as he towered over her, flashbacks of James hands wrapped around her throat coming to mind.
"You need to take a step back." She ordered.
"How can you stand there and act like her sacrifice wasn't important?" Jeremiah's voice started even, but by the end of his question he was yelling. Ang could hear the halt in the sparring sessions, but she kept her focus on the man standing before her. "How can you just stand there and expect me to believe that James isn't right?" Jeremiah pushed at her shoulders enough to make her stumble back. Ang heaved a sigh and pointed a finger at him in warning.
"You get one pass." Her voice was deadly now. "The next time you put a hand on me out of turn, I will drop you where you stand."
"Jeremiah, calm down." Layla called from behind him. She could see the Commander watching, with Section Commander Mike and Captain Levi beginning to move forward upon Jeremiah's aggressive behavior.
"How can I be calm when our Lieutenant makes heartless sacrifices and doesn't care that her soldiers are dying for nothing? The fight for humanity is a joke, and you guys are just using us to further your own careers!"
Jeremiah made to swing at Angharad, but she blocked his punch, driving her other fist upwards into the bottom of his ribs. Sucking in a harsh breath, he stepped back and she used his momentary pause to drive her foot into his knee, causing him to drop onto one knee. She twisted his arm behind his back, moving to stand behind him, pulling his elbow upwards against his shoulder blade. She then dug the heel of her boot into the back his knee, rendering him unable to stand or fight back.
She could see that Mike and Levi had paused in their rush forward to help her. Jeremiah tried to swing his other elbow back into her, but she hooked her own elbow with his and pulled back harshly. He struggled in her hold, and she pulled back on his elbow even further, causing him to cry out in pain. Finally, he stopped struggling against her.
"Lets get one thing clear." Ang started, her voice held an edge so sharp that nobody in the general vicinity dared to interrupt her. "I don't care what you think of me as a Lieutenant. I've been serving in this regiment for the last 16 years, I've learned to ignore the passive aggressive comments and backhanded jabs at what we do! If you no longer trust me to lead you, then I can have you moved to a different squad. Now, I don't know the full extent of what you and James talked about, but I will not be disrespected and attacked for having to be the one to make the hard choices."
Angharad took this chance to let go of Jeremiah, pushing him forward to fall on his hands, the gravel scraping at his palms. She stepped around him again, glaring down at him as he finally began to calm down, her words finally getting through to him.
"I cared about Ilse. I served with her for nine years, and she was my Second in command for a reason. I grieved for her, and the wound still feels as fresh now as it did months ago. She was one of my closest friends and I wish that I could take back my decision to promote her, but I also understand that I can't do anything to change what happened."
Jeremiah looked up at her now, his eyes glistening. Ang breaths were heavy with the emotions running through her. She'd let Jeremiah pout on the way back to HQ like a petulant child, but the second he'd begun to throw a temper tantrum she'd had enough.
"She's gone, as are many others. But if you think for one second that I don't wish that I could trade places with anyone I've ever lost, then you are fucking wrong Jeremiah!" Ang heard someone inhale sharply from behind her, but she didn't care to find out who. "Get to medical, have your shoulder checked out. And I expect you to see me in my office the second you're done to receive your punishment for attacking your superior."
"Lieutenant-" Jeremiah started to speak as he stood up, but Ang held up her hand and cut him off.
"You're dismissed, Gray." Jeremiah nodded and made his leave, Layla following after him inside towards the medical office. Ang stayed where she was, breathing through her nose in order to force herself to calm down. She felt the presence of someone come up on her right, and she looked up to find the cadet on stable duty.
"Lieutenant Jaeger?"
"Yes. What is it?" She made an effort to sound calmer than she actually was, not wanting to snap at any cadet just trying to do their job.
"It's your horse, Onyx. He collapsed as soon as I put him in his stall. He won't get back up, and his breathing is pretty irregular." Ang then noticed the rifle slung over his shoulder. "I don't think he's going to last the night ma'am."
Ang sighed, looking down at her feet before she steeled her resolve and held her hand out for the gun. The young cadet slung it off of his shoulder and she took it by the stock, carrying it towards the stable and disappearing inside.
A few minutes later, a single shot rang out through the air.