zia
"That bread had mold on it, three days ago." John B tells JJ while he makes a sandwich.
JJ was making his moldy sandwich while I was sitting up on the counter.
You'd think I wouldn't want to be near him after everything, but I didn't. Don't get me wrong, I'm still pissed, I just don't really want him to go.
"I'll just pull off the bad parts." JJ shrugs.
"That's fucking disgusting."
"Plus, mold is good for you. It's like, a natural organism." He said as he folded the sandwich.
"Didn't you fail Science?" I ask him.
He looks up at me with a surprised expression, as if he was shocked I willingly spoke to him.
I'm shocked too, buddy.
"U- uh. Does a D- count as failing?" JJ cocked his head at me and joked.
"JJ, Zia!" Kie yelled from the dining table.
"Yup, yup, yup. Hot damn, let's do it." JJ runs into the dining room while I hop off of the counter.
I stood looking over John Bs shoulder, standing right next to JJ.
JJ bit into his sandwich, and gagged. He spit the sandwich back into his hand and threw it away.
"Told you." I say, not looking up from the un-opened package that led on the table.
Ignoring my comment, John B begins to open the package, carefully removing the sticky part.
JJ comes up from behind me and wraps his arm around my waist, causing my lower back to become warm. I feel like I'm melting in his touch. This isn't the normal feeling.
Yes, it was normal for JJ and I to be touchy, it was our language. Yes, he always wraps his arm around my waist. No, I wasn't expecting him to do it now. And no, I don't think he realized what he was doing.
JJ quickly retracted his hand and put it back into his pocket, causing my lower back to be hit by a breeze emitted from the fan, sending shivers down my spine.
"Sorry, force of habit." He quietly whispers into my ear, keeping from everyone else hearing.
"No, it's fine. I didn't mind." I shrug, hoping he'll put his arm back.
He wraps his arm around my waist again and pulls me in, but not as confident as before. This time, it was slow, almost as if he was afraid.
I rest my head on his chest, sending him reassurance. I can instantly feel him loosen up from his tense state, and rest his chin on my head.
Yes, I was still mad. But something about JJ being so close, it just made me forget about everything.
My eyes skimmed over the map that he had pulled out and spread across the table.
"Holy shit." John B mumbles as his eyes go over the map and all of its markings.
"X marks the spot." Pope says as he points to the small X on the map.
"Longitude, latitude." I say, pointing towards the numbers on the map.
"Wait, there's something else in here." John B sticks his hand back into the package, and pulls out a tape recorder.
"What's that?" JJ asks.
"It's a tape recorder, dumbass." Kie states, almost annoyed that JJ even asked.
John B hesitantly presses the play button as we all tense up again, afraid to hear whatever was on that tape.
I mean, what if it was bad? What if it was Big John asking for help, or screaming for help? What if it was something that John B couldn't handle?
And there it is again. All of the "what if"'s. All of these thoughts of everything bad flooded my mind. And without JJ attempting to call me down, they probably weren't leaving any time soon.
"Dear Bird.."
My breath hitches as I hear Big Johns voice boom over the recording.
"Who's Bird?" JJ interrupts the tape.
"It's what my dad used to call me." John B says, eyes still glued to the recorder.
"I hate to say 'I told you so', but I told you so. And you doubted your old man.
I suspect at this moment, you're filled with gulf and self-loathing over our last fight, but don't kill yourself just yet, kid.
I didn't expect to find the Merchant either."
This is when I stop breathing. I hold my breath, my nervousness rising and my mind becoming cloudy. What the hell did he mean? Did Big John actually find the Royal Merchant?
Almost as if it was a reflex, I reached into my back pocket and found myself raising my pen to my lips. Feeling calmer just by having it in my touch.
Just as I'm about to inhale, JJ reaches up his hand and yanks it from me.
I dart my head up to his, removing it from being his chin-rest.
He slowly and slightly shook his head at me, his eyes saying everything.
"Please."
I let out a light sigh, not being in the mood to argue, I turned around again.
JJ wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me in even tighter than before.
It calmed me. It was more calming then whatever the pen did. And I hated that. I hated that he was the thing that calmed me the most. I hated needing him. I hated wanting him to be there.
I hated that I loved the feeling.
"You were probably right to call me out. Wasn't exactly 'father of the decade'. What can I say kid? I could smell the barn.
And hopefully, we're listening to this in our brand new sugar-shack down in Costa Rica, livin' off passive investments and pulling permits.
If not, and you find this for less than optimal reasons.."
I feel my eyes begin to gloss over.
"...well, that's what the map is for.
There she is. The wreck of the Merchant.
If somethin' happens to me, finish what I started.
Go for the gold, kid.
I love you, Bird. Even if I didn't always act like it. I'll see you on the other side."
Then the tape clicks off.
I feel my tears begin to fall down my face, but I quickly wipe them away, not wanting the group to see my soft side.
Yes, I have cried in front of the group before, but it was always because of pain. I don't think they have ever seen me cry for something emotional. Unless they secretly spy on me when I cry myself to sleep on some nights.
I wonder how John B is feeling. He must be breaking.
Just as these thoughts surface, I see John B jump up and run to the hallway, throwing himself onto the wall and gripping onto it tightly. Sobbing.
"Holy shit. He did it! Big John! He- he found the Merchant! He-" JJ began to get excited, obviously not reading the room.
"Can you, please." Kie stopped him from speaking as she ran over to John B, beginning to comfort him.
"Sorry." JJ mutters.
Holy shit. He found the Merchant.
•••
jj
Z was resting her head on my lap while she led across the wide wooden railing of the pier we all sat on.
Her eyes were slowly opening and closing, while she was fiddling with my rings. She held my hand in hers while she slowly began to drift off.
She was tired, and it didn't help that Kie was playing a soft tune on the ukulele.
Maybe she wasn't so mad anymore. Or maybe she has just forgotten about it, only for the flame to be re-ignited tomorrow.
Yeah, I'm a dick. I should have told her the fucking second I saw her. Instead, I kept it to myself.
I feel fucking awful, but I can't let her pass out on a damn railing. She'd fucking die.
Kie soon finishes the song, and the pier falls silent. The ocean waves and the birds call are the only things we can hear.
"How much was it again?" I break the silence, causing Z's eyes to flutter open.
"Four hundred mil." John B replies.
I look down at Z, who's eyes are shut and chest slowly rising and falling.
She was still wearing her jean shorts from earlier, but had taken off her (technically my) shirt, leaving her in a yellow, triangle-shaped bikini top.
She really is fucking hot.
"Alright, let's talk the split." I carefully adjust my body, causing Z to groan at my movement.
"Now, before we say 'evenly', may I remind you that I am the only one who can properly defend us from those square groupers who were after us. Protection? Not cheap." I shrug my shoulders.
"Bullshit. Anytime those guys have been after us, your gun was no where to be found. Protection? Non-existent." Z states, earning a laugh from all of the Pogues, and a scoff from me.
"Also, you've done zero training." Pope adds to Z's statement.
"YouTube, bro!" I tell him.
"That's at least a five percent bump right there. Any objections? Didn't think so." I quickly say before any one had a chance to intervene.
"Um, no." Pope tries to squeeze in.
"I didn't hear any, so.." I began, but Z cut me off.
"What are you gonna do with your 80 mil, Pope?" Zia asks, removing her head from my lap and fixing herself so she actually sits up on the railing.
"Pay for college in advance. And textbooks. Those are expensive." Pope nods as he tells us his idea. Obviously he's gonna have money left over, he just hasn't thought that far yet.
"What about you Kie?" I nod my head in Kies direction.
"Yeah, what does a socialist do when she's rich?" Pope asks her.
Alright, I'm calling it. Pope has a crush on Kie. It's obvious. He looks at her the exact same way that I look at-
Never mind.
"I just wanna make a double album. About OBX, the Pogues. You know, the way Catch a Fire is about Kingston." She chuckles. "Record it at Marley Studio, Peter Tosh producing."
"Peter Tosh is dead-" We try to tell her.
"Peter Tosh is dead, I know. The sport of Peter Tosh will never die." She says as she lifts her soda into the air as if cheering Peters spirit.
"I know what I'll do." I speak up.
Yes, a million ideas were rushing through my head about all the shit I could do with the money, but this one seemed to stick.
"I'm gonna get a big ass house on Figure Eight and go full Kook." I smile.
"You're gonna go full Kook?" Pope questions.
"Yup. Gonna get a marble statue of myself, and then I'm gonna get a koi pond." I state.
"I'm never visiting." Z laughs as she brings her pen up to her mouth with a smile on her face.
Don't ask how she got it back from me. I have no fucking idea.
Watching her take a drag hurt. It took a lot to get her to quit a few years ago, and seeing her go straight back to it like it was no big thing? It hurt.
It hurt even more that it was because of me. She was stressed and anxious because of what I didn't tell her.
It seems like vaping or drinking or something is her only way to cope when she's mad. Or worried. Or scared. Sometimes I can calm her down, but not always.
"What are you gonna do, Z?" I ask her as I watch her blow a puff of smoke up towards the night sky.
I watch as her mouth makes that "o" shape, and it slowly goes back to its original shape.
She's beautiful.
I watch the gears in her head turn, as she thinks of an answer. All Pogues eyes on her.
"Help Macy with the tailoring business, then maybe blow the rest on some stupid shit like a fancy ass pool or something. Or go full Kook. Haven't decided yet." She shrugs.
I love that she thought about Macy first. I love that she thinks like that, like everything else around her is too priorty. I just hate she believes it. That she believes everything and everyone is more important than her and like she's worth nothing.
"What are you gonna do, John B?" Pope spoke up.
"To going full Kook." John B raised his soda to the sky, motioning for us to cheers him.
We all do so gladly, "To going full Kook!" we all shout in unison.
The little get together lasted about another hour or so, then it was time for us to go.
Z hopped off the railing and began scooping up all of our trash, knowing that if we would've left it, Kie would be up our asses about it going into the ocean.
Pope and Kie already left, apparently if Pope didn't get back before 2:00 am, Heyward would kill him. And John B was his ride, so.
Kie had just left, taking some of her trash with her.
Leaving Z and I.
"Let me help." I say as I stoop down and help Z scoop if the trash.
"Thanks." She says with a faint smile as she packs away small cans and chip bags into the bag.
The silence feels eternal. We aren't talking, just picking up trash.
I have no idea why I'm doing this.
"Listen, Z. I really am sorry." Z stood up from the ground to collect the trash that was on the side table, still (hopefully) listening to me. I stood up with her, almost as if I was following her around the pier.
"I shouldn't have kept the locket from you. It was a dick thing to do, and feel like shit about it. And you're probably still pissed at me and you're going to be pissed at me for fucking eternity, but just know I'm sorry. Okay? I'm really fucking sorry. And I don't think you should forgive me right away, but I do think that we should at least try to talk it out? Or something. I don't fucking know." I began to ramble, praying something would shut me up before I made a complete fool of myself, which might've been too late for.
"I don't think what I did was okay, or even in the slightest way possible fair to you. I ju- I just hope you'll forgive me. I don't give two fucks when, just-" My rambling became almost to much. My mouth couldn't stop moving, and words wouldn't stop coming out in such a quick speed. I tried to shut up, I really did, but I couldn't. I had so much to say, so much to apologize for.
"God, just shut up." Z says as she swiftly turns around and drops the bag, grabbing my face and pulling me in, meeting my lips with hers.
•••
zia
I don't know what came over me, I just knew that the only way to get him to shut up was if I kissed him.
I wasn't in disagreement if the idea.
JJ was taken aback, at first. But then, I felt him ease into the kiss.
JJ and I had kissed before, of course, that was just for fun. Or as a joke. It wasn't like this.
This was different.
It felt different.
It didn't feel like a joke. It didn't feel like I would go on to regret it. It felt right. Like it was something we had been waiting to do for years and now that it was finally happening, everything around us just melted away. And we were the only people left. I know how basic and cliche that sounds, but it's true.
JJ placed one hand on my waist and pulled me in closer, taking his other hand and placing it behind my neck.
I felt calm. Calmer than ever before. JJ really was my best vice, even though he can't be.
I mean, think about it. Say I move away, or something, and I get into a stressful situation where I can barely breath because of how scared or nervous I am, and JJ is no where to be found. I'm having a panic attack and JJ is no where near to comfort me and calm me. I need to learn to live without him, I just don't want to.
Because if I learn to live without him, I'll miss him. My thoughts of him will become endless, and I will spiral down a hole of God knows what.
So, even though he's my future (and possibly present) addiction, and I'll definitely get hurt in the end, I'll let myself have this moment.
This one moment when nothing is cloudy. My brain isn't foggy. My hands aren't shaking.
This one moment where everything is perfect. Where everything feels right.
But not all moments last forever.
JJ slowly pulled away, and I rested onto my feet. Considering the fact JJ is much taller than me, I have to stand on my toes in order to be face to face with him.
His hands sat on either side of my waist, keeping me in close.
It stayed silent.
"You know, my dad- he uh.." JJ began, moving a strand of hair behind my ear.
My eyes dart up to his at the mention of his father.
"He's out of town this weekend. Apparently he's 'taking some time to himself' but I know that that's code for 'I'm getting more drugs from a guy in another state.' You can come over, if you want." He tells me, keeping his hands on my waist.
Holy shit.
What if I do go home with him? What's gonna happen? Are we gonna have sex?
No, okay. No. I'm jumping to conclusions.
Fuck it. Why not.
"Sure." I quietly say as I slightly nod my head, keeping my head faced towards his chest, not wanting to make eye contact.
Let me make this clear:
I do NOT like eye contact.
Not even the romantic kind.
"Nice."
•••
I laid on JJs bed underneath all of the covers, my back facing the door.
My mind is fucking racing and my heart is fucking pounding.
The fuck did I just do? This is gonna fuck up everything! I'm so fucking screwed.
Did JJ even want to kiss me back? Or did he just feel bad and thought 'Oh she's going through a rough time, I'll let her have this.'
God, the questions are gonna live in my mind forever. And it's not like I have the balls to ask him.
Just live with the questions, Zia. Live with it.
I hear the bedroom doorknob click open and hear footsteps.
"You need anything?" JJs voice speaks quietly from the doorframe.
"No, I'm good." I tell him.
He quickly turns off the light and shuts the door.
I don't see the point in closing the door if his dad isn't even home but whatever.
JJ climbs into bed, and throws his arm around my waist, pulling our torsos closer to one another.
I slowly but surely begin to doze off.
Until..
"Hey, Z?" JJ whispers into my ear.
"Hm?" I hum.
"The fuck just happened?" He whispers, letting out a slight chuckle, and earning a laugh from me.
"No fucking idea, Maybank." I say as I take his hand from my waist and begin to play with his rings.
I hear him let out a soft chuckle, and then feel him kiss my neck lightly.
He rested his head back done in the pillow and dozed off.
And I did the same.
God, this is gonna be a mess, huh?
•••
NOW WE R GETTING SOMEWHERE KIND OF
don't get used to it.
Also: if u haven't noticed I've been kinda switching the like timing of the story and stuff
Like the first couple of chapters were like "he said" and now it's "he says" like as if it's happening then and I kinda like it more but it's a bit harder to write in so if I switch back anytime soon don't be surprised lmfao
Anyways thanks for reading 😁😘