With each, hurried step of her feet, up to each flight of stairs, her heart rate matches the pace. Thrumming against her chest, knocking consistently and wracking her to the bone.
Eliza was so, so scared.
She didn't even know what she was going to so. She'd planned to say so much, to do so much. She'd thought out entire speeches, different actions - most of which consisted of hitting Alexander around the back of the head -, but she could never decide on just one.
She wanted to seem strong. Stronger than him. Make him feel guilty. If she messed it up... then what? She'd feel guilty, ashamed of herself for not being able to face her fears.
She found herself at the door of her own apartment quicker than she'd wanted to be, and paused outside, her hand hesitating over the lock with the key in hand. Taking a deep, shaking breath, she swung the door open and stepped inside. She didn't dare let her gaze wander from her feet, turning and shutting the door carefully before slipping the keys in her pocket.
She didn't know what kind of state Alexander was in, and though she trusted him, she couldn't entirely predict he'd be in a correct mindset right now. It'd be good to be able to defend herself if needed.
When she finally gained the courage to turn, she found the apartment was spotless. Cleaned, refreshed; windows are thrown open to filter out the stuffy scents and instead fill the apartment room with a chill, fresh breeze.
And, on the couch, was a blanket and a pillow, beneath the blanket, was Alexander's resting body. Asleep.
Why didn't he sleep in either of their rooms?
Eliza frowned and glanced over at the grocery bags set carefully on the countertop. Taking her coat off and transferring her keys to her other pocket, she walked over and began to unpack the groceries as quietly as possible.
There was a low groan from the couch and she paused, watching her hand tremble over a cupboard handle for a second.
"Why are you back?"
His low, gravelly tone echoed from the rugs. He shifted, but he didn't get up. He wasn't looking at her. Eliza gulped and swung the cupboard open, beginning to place things on the shelves.
"Didn't I tell you to leave?"
She furrowed her brows. No, he didn't. But she wasn't going to speak to him. He wasn't even looking at her.
"Oh, so you're not gonna talk to me now? You're really just a sick person, aren't you?"
Eliza tensed, anger flaring up inside of her. She's sick? I'm sick!?! She whipped her head around, mouth opening to confront him, just as he continued to speak.
"Come on, answer me, Maria."
Alexander growled the name 'Maria' with the most utmost fury, rising from the couch to turn and glare at Eliza, an unspeakable rage flashing over his expression. Eliza stared at him, taking in his appearance. He was ragged. Worn to the bone, his hair ruffled and messed up. He looked as though he hadn't properly bothered to dress himself or clean himself in a few days; his clothes back-to-front and baggy.
His posture dropped upon seeing she was not 'Maria'. His eyes widened and his shoulders slumped. Eliza dropped the jar she was putting away, thankfully not from too high, as it rolled away safely across the counter top.
Alexander's lips quivered anxiously, a small voice escaping him. "Betsey...?" When she didn't answer, he turned his head away, a hand raising to cover half of his face with his palm and to dig his fingers into his hair. "Ha, now I'm going insane," He laughed shakily.
"Alexander-" Eliza sighed.
"Please, just, don't speak. If you're a hallucination or not, just... don't speak. I'll leave." Alexander raised a hand, turning on his heels.
Why?
Everything Eliza had planned to say, or scenarios like to whack him around the head, all of it was drifting away the more she looked at him. Why was it so difficult to speak it out? She'd been planning since she'd started journeying.
She slowly walked forward, mind numb.
She slid her hand into his, feeling him flinch, his cold palms seeping their chill into her warmer ones. Eliza let out a low sigh.
Alexander froze. He was silent, yet he looked down at her, though she didn't dare look at him. Walk. They needed to walk.
Eliza didn't want to speak either. Slipping her hand away from his once more, she dragged him by the arm instead, out of the door. He was half-dressed, barely in good clothes, but she didn't care. She led him down the stairwell, outside, through the streets, and kept walking until they had reached the more quiet part of town.
"Eliza?" Alexander blinked down at her.
She didn't look up at him. Didn't speak to him. She hadn't done the entire journey.
"...It's quiet over here," He murmured, casting his gaze away to the large chapel that stood on a hill, through the gate to their right.
He suddenly pulled on her arm and took her through, into the graveyard. The cold, fresh air billowed around them, enveloping them in its breeze. The gate closed with a clang behind them, and they walked side-by-side up the path onto the peaceful graveyard.
It was grassy, more greener over here, where winter was very, very gradually beginning to close to an end. Not quite yet, but soon enough.
The harmonies of birds rung in their ears, their choruses sugary sweet amongst the wind, filling them with a sense of tranquility. Forgiveness. Does he want me to forgive him?
...Do I want to forgive him?
They found a bench, a little further down the dip of the hill, behind the chapel. It overlooked more wildlife than it did the city, from here, the sun blinding them with its early morning rays, coating them in its freshly painted rose gold light. They gingerly sat on the frozen wooden seat.
"Is this uptown? It's so quiet uptown, don't you agree?" Alexander commented softly. Of course. He can't stay silent for three seconds.
Eliza let out a low huff.
Maria. Was that the woman who he cheated with? He sounded very pissed with her when Eliza had entered. Why? Wasn't Maria better than Eliza? Why would he tell her to leave?
And if not, then who the hell is Maria?
Why wasn't Peggy at home, either? Is she that invested in John? And Angelica hadn't texted, either. Did she actually care?
Eliza choked up. Why couldn't something, for once, go her way?
She placed her head on Alexander's shoulder, squeezing her eyes shut.
"It's quiet uptown," She agreed, almost inaudibly.
Alexander hesitated, then twisted, placing his arms around her in a light hug. She fell into it gratefully. It was all she wanted. Even if she never saw him again, all she wanted was his hold. It's been a week.
Why couldn't she get over him?
They stayed like this for thirty seconds or so, before they both leaned back. Eliza sniffled. Taking a deep, shaking inhale, she stared up into his face determinedly. There was no way she was going to let him win.
She loved him, yes, but if they were ever to fix this relationship... he was going to have to win her back. All over again. Start from scratch, back from when he was nothing more than a library boy. He'd move out. She'd make sure that Laf would accept him.
She'd sort it out. No, no way is she going to let him break her heart again. By doing this... she lets him fix his mistakes. Because she knew, deep down, no matter what anyone else said - she couldn't love anybody else.
And if Alexander turned away? If he stopped being loyal, for a second? That was it. She was done. She was sick of how he played her heart, and how she was expected to accept his apologies, over and over.
"...My name is Elizabeth Schuyler. What's your name?"
A/N; AAHAHAHA anyway
if you're looking for fluff go back to the earlier chapters. i bring only tears. all aboard the angst train.
anyway im really sorry about the lack of chapters on time as of late, and how short this one is. i know it seems rushed.
ive only continued to get worse mentally and my exhaustion (along with my vitamin problems) have been returning, and it's getting harder and harder to do simple tasks such as get out of bed or brush my hair. im doing my best to keep this updated, and i do have the entire ending planned out so long as i can get it on time.
i hope to make next chapter longer. i also hope you can all understand. love you all! please drink some water and get some rest, look after yourselves <3
siiinceerreely me
side note, ive been listening to so many angsty songs and it has been fueling me to write these last few chapters, but my main one was "all i wanted - paramore" which i only remembered existed because of @ allwillynilly so ty <3