Xiao Zhan awakens with a small gasp.
His eyes immediately shoot open, and for a few seconds all he can do is wonder.
About where he is... and about his racing heart.
It takes a little bit longer but soon, it all begins to come back to him.
The first thing he feels is sore... all over, and then the second is the warmth... and the lingering ecstasy. He is able to recall now that in his dream, he had been rocking into Yibo. No vivid images come to mind but the sensations are stamped into his consciousness like a brand. As a result his skin is tingling, his forehead slightly misted, his breathing somewhat laboured, and a sweet, sweettension coiled in the pit of his stomach.
The blanket over him finally registers, and as he realizes what the implication of this is, given that he had gone to sleep with Yibo under him, his back shoots up from the lounge.
He looks around the study, his mind although hazy, clear enough to process his alarm that Yibo has left without a word to him. It occurs to him that Yibo wouldn't have woken him up, so perhaps he was out in the living room or had probabaly gotten up to use the bathroom. He throws the blanket aside and rises to his feet. He begins to hurry to the door but at the sudden sting of the cool air in the room, he pauses and takes in his naked stated.
With a curse, he turns back around to search for his clothes, and finds them folded on one of the shelves.
He needs a shower, but first he just has to confirm that Yibo is still here.
Soon he is decent, but then he pauses once again at the door to take in a deep breath.
He already hears low voices from down the hall, and it makes him wonder just what the time is. With his heart in his throat, he begins to head over and soon he arrives at the living room. The two voices in conversation stop as they notice him, while he stares back at them in extreme disappointment.
"Where's Yibo?" he asks, and Mei Li turns to Li Ping.
"He left, I guess," Li Ping replies, and Xiao Zhan feels his chest squeeze dangerously tight.
However, he maintains as calm an exterior as he can manage. "You guess?" he asks.
"I didn't see him, but when I left for my lecture at 1 I noticed that his shoes were no longer in the entryway. I thought you were aware."
Xiao Zhan barely hears his last question as he turns around to leave, but before he does he asks for the time. "6:20," Li Ping replies, and Xiao Zhan feels the ache in his chest intensify. How had he slept so hard and for so long that he hadn't come awake before Yibo could sneak off?
He consoles himself that perhaps this is a good thing. Since neither of them had said their final goodbyes, then perhaps it would be the perfect avenue for a message later on.
At this thought, his gaze goes to the counter where Yibo had gifted him a phone earlier, and he is relieved to see that it is still there.
He begins to head over, however just as he reaches it, he stops in his tracks.
At first he hopes that he is not seeing clearly, but it is impossible to mistake the small, dark device that has been placed on top of the box.
His access key.
Xiao Zhan feels it then. The viciousblow to his heart that knocks the wind out of him.
His body jerks at the impact, and despite the gnawing need to bend over so that he can stomach this, he tries his best to keep his back straight, aware of the eyes that are on him.
He gives one last look at the device, and without a word, turns around to head off to the bathroom.
The moment he shuts the door behind him, he is unable to take a step further. His mind leaves the space and all he can think about is his last moments with Yibo, and the device that has been returned back to him.
More than anything that Yibo could have said or done, this speaks of a finality to them that terrifies the life out of him.
He feels the gradual numbing of his entire body, starting from his chest and now spread out to his abdomen.
However it is only when his trembling hands register, that he lifts them to his gaze.
He clenches them into fists, and focuses on regulating his breathing.
Returning the device is indeed tragic,he tells himself, but it's not the end of the world. We'll get through this somehow.
With this bit of consolation in mind, he heads over to the vanity to grab his toothbrush. He is quite unwilling to look at himself in the mirror, because he is wary of the image that will be reflected back at him.
This brings to mind Yibo's words earlier of just how tired he'd looked. Thanks to Yibo, he believes that his body has now fully rested, however his mind continues to feel groggy with disbelief, and a brewing despair.
Somehow, he manages to push all of these away and begins to brush his teeth. He eventually lifts his gaze to the mirror and the reflection that stares back at him is one of mental exhaustion, and trepidation. His eyes are slightly agape at the reminder of the thousand pound gorilla sitting on Li Ping's counter, but then his gaze soon catches something else.
In a corner of his neck, although partly covered by the hood of his sweat shirt, is a small bruise. His free hand rises to pull the fabric down, and he is able to get a good look at the purplish mark on his skin.
A little further down and on the opposite side, he sees yet another bruise, and then as he pulls the fabric even further down, he sees another smack in the middle of his chest. Rinsing his mouth, he puts the brush aside and then takes off his hoodie to see the extent of the damage that Yibo had left on him.
He feels a hard pummel into his chest once again as he takes in the bruises of different sizes and intensity, spread out across his torso. For once, he is grateful that he doesn't have any pending projects that would require his immediate appearance before the public, however, he cannot help but fear that these will haunt, rather than please him in the weeks to come.
He softly runs a hand across the marks, his touch especially lingering on the ones that dissappear into the waist band of his pants. All of the memories come flooding back to him of heavenand of Yibo, and of how he had slept away his chance to say a proper goodbye to him.
Fury begins to burn in the pit of his stomach at everything and nothing in particular, so he moves away from the sink and heads into the shower stall.
In there, he stands away from the warm cascade reluctant to touch himself, and especially reluctant to wash away Yibo's scent from his body.
He wishes more than anything in the world that Yibo were here with him, and at the thought that this will probably never be the case, he feels his stomach twist with an indescribable pain.
He gives in now to bending over, one hand flattened against the tiled wall to keep him standing until eventually, the slight tremors racking him from head to toe subside.
He moves under the water then, as it dawns on him that a new kind of trouble is looming or perhaps it is already here by his side. However, he refuses to acknowledge it because he just cannot believe or accept that things between him and Yibo are now truly over.
It is impossible for him to even fathom, so he chooses to take it as the angsty intermission between them.
He thinks of the phone that Yibo has left him, and decides then to send him a message the moment he is done with his shower.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<
A little while later he strolls back into the living room, somewhat refreshed and much more clear headed.
He meets Mei Li in the kitchen unpacking some take out, while Li Ping is seated before the tv and with a book spread open on his lap.
He is not ready to face him just yet, so he instead goes over to Mei Li.
She smiles at his approach. "How are you?"
He nods in response, and turns his gaze to the corn pulp cakes that she has laid out.
"I know you love these so we got you an extra serving for later on. Li Ping says that you haven't eaten all day."
"Thank you," he says, as he realizes that this is true. His stomach does indeed feel hollow, but as he stares at the golden crusts of the cakes, he finds that he has no appetite whatsoever for them. Instead, his gaze moves over to the phone and device on the breakfast counter, so he heads over and sits on the stool that Yibo had been on earlier.
He is taking the phone out of the box when Mei Li suddenly appears by his side, and this startles him. She is holding a small, plastic bag up, and when he sees his SIM card in it, he releases a deep breath of relief.
"How did you get this?"
"Your mom found your phone smashed outside the house. She thought that perhaps you would need it."
He accepts it from her, now keen because he will be able to contact Yibo, if only to confirm that he has returned safely to Beijing.
"Thank you," he says as she sets his plate in front of him.
"Also Nini has been calling. She is very worried so, give her a call please."
"Mm," he replies, his heart weighing even heavier as he realizes all the other professional responsibilities and messes that are awaiting him.
He sets up the phone, his heart briefly warming at Yibo's thoughtfulness in getting it for him, but then one glance at the returned device and his chest turns cold again.
A frigid, biting cold that has his face twisting into a frown.
Soon, he pulls up Yibo's number but instead of a call, he decides to first send him a message.
He ponders on what to say, and decides then to be simple and concise. So he writes:
"What time did you leave?"
He sends the message, and is about to put his phone down when a response immediately arrives.
His heart leaps into his throat as he views it, however he finds that it is not from Yibo. Instead, it is from the app and it's response is simple.
Message successfully sent but rejected by receiver
For a full minute he just stares at the notification, willing his brain and heart to process the implication and when it eventually does, he sets the phone back on the counter. He feels the weapon that had been lodged into his heart earlier from the moment Yibo had expressed his decision for them to part, slowly begin to hack his heart into pieces. His gaze goes to the returned device, and then back to the message on his screen that Yibo has blocked him.
Suddenly, his throat completely closes up and then he is struggling to breathe.
His head lowers as his grip tightens over the edge of the counter, and from a distance he hears Mei Li calling out to him.
However he ignores it all, and repeats over and over to himself that this is just temporary.
Yibo will come back to his senses soon enough.
All that is needed now is for him to wait, but the very thought that he will have to wallow in this hell for even a minute longer drains his entire soul of strength.
How will he be able to survive this? And what if... what if Yibo never connected back with him again.
This terror is especially crippling because deep down, he had hoped that after Yibo had been reminded once again of what it was like to be in his arms, that he would realize that it was impossible for them to not be together.
His mind and heart flood with the memories of Yibo's kisses, and his fingers clawing down his back. He can still feel it all... the sweet ache from his touch and the sheer intensity of the pleasure; of breathing in his scent, and from tasting his skin. Of being lodged so deeply inside of him and from hearing his moans and pants in his ears.
Xiao Zhan rakes a hand through his hair, as his eyes burn with tears.
However, he pushes the grief away. Straightening, he rises to his feet but the stool falls away to the ground.
He turns to stare down at it, and like clockwork, the reminder of earlier that morning when Yibo had reached out to catch the stool from falling comes to mind.
Their hands had touched in that moment, and his blood pressure had spiked.
However, Yibo isn't here anymore to catch the stool, so he just continues to gaze at it until Mei Li's call pierces through his consciousness.
He lifts his gaze then, and meets his friends watching him with concern on their faces.
"Xiao Zhan are you alright?" Mei li asks, but he instead turns to Li Ping.
A sudden feeling akin to drowning overwhelms him, and he realizes now what he needs.
"Do you have a cigarette?" he asks, and for a moment the room seems to freeze over.
Then Li Ping rises to his feet, and begins to head towards his room.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Ten minutes later, Xiao Zhan pulls a second cigarette out of the packet.
He is standing out on the balcony and leaning against the railing, his gaze on the lit skyline beyond. It is dark all around and he is grateful for it because it soothes him.
A small flame ignites from the lighter, and in moments the cigarette is lit. He closes his lips around the base, and takes a deep, long draw.
The pain in his heart is easing, the blood in his veins now warm, and the tension in his muscles beginning to seep out. Once again he feels as though his feet is still on the ground.
His eyes are still misty, but he figures that this is one side effect of being blocked by Yibo that he will have to deal with for the coming weeks.
He takes another long puff, and as the smoke seeps into his lungs, it occurs to him that he's never asked Yibo if he's ever smoked before.
He doubts that he has, and cannot help but feel pleased by this assumption. His eyelids flutter shut as he conjures to mind the image of him seated on a couch and Yibo astride him. He would draw the smoke into his mouth, and then Yibo would slant his head to kiss him.
He imagines Yibo's tongue sliding against his in the midst of the inhale, and the combined taste overwhelming his senses.
Perhaps Yibo would cough, and this would make him laugh. And then Yibo would open his eyes, and he would see the stars shining in them.
Maybe he would be buried inside of Yibo, and to torture him Yibo would begin to screw into him, in that slow, purposeful way of his. Breathing would become difficult, and then his head would fall back on the couch.
Yibo of course would take this chance to trouble the pulse in his neck, and a long agonized moan would fall from his lips.
He wants this he realizes, and many more ... but Yibo has blocked him.
He near chokes from the grief, but manages to once again push the despair away by taking deep, long breaths. When he feels stabilized enough, he brings the cigarette back to his lips and continues smoking. He pulls his new phone out of his pocket and types out yet another message to Yibo.
"You've never smoked before have you? I stopped in college, but today I'm doing it again because of you. Because you blocked me, and it feels like I'm going to suffocate to death. You are so cruel."
The app once again reminds him that it is impossible for Yibo to receive this, but he ignores it and slips the phone back into his pocket.
Yibo is going to break soon enough,he tells himself. There is no way that he willl be able to survive this either. Xiao Zhan only needs to keep his head above water until then. But he cannot help but recall that he has blocked Yibo in the past. Twice to be exact, and at the time he had thought little of it. Of the finality and of the terror.
Yibo had been in love with him, while he was none the wiser about his own feelings, so such a thing had been easy for him.
He cannot help but wonder now just how Yibo must have felt.
The weapon once again gnaws at a part of his heart, and he feels it bleed.
God.
He had been so careless.
How could he have blocked Yibo so easily when it would make him feel like this or even worse? How had Yibo survived it? And how had he even forgiven him for it? Fear suddenly strikes him as he realizes now that Yibo is used to this! To being suddenly cut off from him. And at a time, he had even gone months without communicating with him so perhaps he is wrong that Yibo will not be able to handle this. And that Yibo will break. Perhaps Yibo has gotten enough practice in the past at living with the possibility that he wouldn't be a part of his life.
Xiao Zhan on the other hand has not, at least not since he realized that Yibo owned his heart. The tears finally break free and flow silently down his face, as he realizes that he just might be the one to break. The one that will lose his mind and go to Yibo on his knees.
He prays that this will be soon because he doesn't know how much longer he can keep reminding himself to breathe.
Just then, he hears the door behind him slide open, but he cannot even bring himself to care enough to turn.
He waits, a littler miffed at the intrusion and soon Mei li arrives at his side.
For a while she remains silent, staring out at the row of apartment buildings and hanging cloth lines.
He thinks now about getting an apartment with Yibo somewhere extremely secluded, or perhaps Yibo will move into the one he has at Shamian? Yibo, he doesn't think will care at all about doing laundry, but perhaps he will be able to bribe him into hanging them up to dry with him?
He wonders what he would be able to successfully bribe Yibo with, and can think of nothing more than a shower together afterwards? A delicious meal?
But all of these he would willing do for and with him on a daily basis either way so perhaps it wouldn't be enough.
Maybe eating him from behind then.
Yibo had loved that.
He had been shocked and surprised and even reluctant, but Xiao Zhan can never forget just how agonized his moans had been at the act. Yibo had trembled like a leaf as he had sucked him, and at the memory, this brings a smile to his face. The intimacy of it was what had driven him insane. It had been a practical thing to do for Yibo's sake at the time, but now, he wants another chance to do it just for the fun of it.
"Remembering something pleasant?" Mei Li's voice suddenly cuts though his thoughts.
He almost chokes on the cigarette.
He straightens then with a cough, suddenly reminded of her presence. He had gotten so carried away.
She is amused at his struggle, and at her presence, he begins to feel somewhat comforted. But then he recalls that they had once broken up and never gotten back together, and he feels afraid all over again.
He wants to ask her about this, but he doesn't know what to say so he just turns once again, and leans his arms across the railing.
He takes another draw of the cigarette, and basks in the exhale.
"I haven't seen you smoke since 2012."
He thinks back to the year, and cannot believe just how long ago it has been. He wishes now that he had been somehow warned then, that just six years later he would meet the most passionate and bratty human known to man. And that he would blow his mind to pieces, and mesmerize him to the point of no return.
He sighs and takes another long draw.
"Can I have a puff?" she asks, and he shakes his head.
"No," he says. "You're asthmatic. You shouldn't even be here."
"One puff won't kill me."
"Well, I don't want to find out."
She proves stubborn, and to his surprise pulls the cigarette out of his grip. Before he can stop her, she takes it to her lips and this makes him unhappy.
She soon hands it back, and he accepts it, however just as he starts to return it back to his mouth, he realizes that he cannot do that. He can no longer share things so intimately with anyone anymore besides Yibo.
So he presses the half smoked stick to the railing, and stubs the light out.
"Hey!" she complains, and he hears the hurt in her voice. "You should have just given it to me if you didn't want it anymore."
"I'm sorry," he apologizes with a sigh. "I wanted it, I just.... couldn't have it."
He can feel her gaze boring into him as he stares out into the night, and as expected, she is able to put two and two together.
"Because you're dating someone else now?"
He thinks on this question and doesn't know how to respond to it, so he just remains silent.
After a while she asks him another one.
"Are the both of you doing okay?"
Xiao Zhan wants to say yes, but he is sure that it will drive him crazy so he just tells the truth.
"He broke up with me."
This is the very first time that he has admitted this to himself, and at the declaration, he feels his body go numb.
The sensation of drowning resurges once again, and he thinks to reach for another cigarette but instead he shuts his eyes, and deeply inhales the cool night breeze. It does little to soothe him but it does keep the pain from overwhelming him.
"Oh," she mutters. "I'm sorry. Is... is it because of what happened yesterday?"
"Amongst other things," he replies.
They both remain silent for a while longer until she speaks again.
"Things can't be resolved?"
He sighs. "Remember the call we had yesterday?"
"Yeah,"
"Well, he is remorseful, but he took the selfless route."
Silence.
"Which did you want?"
"I wasn't given the chance to decide."
She sighs. "And now? Would you have preferred that he took the route of making amends?"
"I don't give a fuck about him making amends. I just want him in my life. What am I supposed to move on towards if I don't have him with me? More money? More fame? Fuck all of that."
At this, he hears her breathing hitch. "You're in love with him," she breathes, her voice filled with wonder.
He pulls out another cigarette and lights it up, unable to breathe any further or even speak. And it is only after the first long exhale that he feels himself somewhat stabilize.
"At this point it feels like it's beyond love. I think I sold my soul to him or something."
At this she smiles, and it surprises him. So he looks at her.
"I am beginning to realize now that I can be quite inconsiderate. I have been that way to him in the past, and I think I've been that way to you too. I don't want to be that way now by talking about this, especially since we used to date."
At his words, her amusement grows. "We've been over for a long time A'Zhan, but we've been friends for even longer. And I know that beyond me you'll probably not want to speak to anyone else about this, so don't bother about being inconsiderate. I just want to make sure that you don't wallow yourself into an early grave."
He takes another puff of his cigarette.
"Are you going to try to work this out with him?"
He lets out the smoke.
"I'm going to give him time. I've cut him off twice before in the past, and he's given metime to find my way back to him. I just hope he doesn't take too long, otherwise he might not meet me alive."
He says this with a smile, however she doesn't buy it. She turns to him, fear in her tone. "Xiao Zhan."
The smile slowly disappears from his face, and for a while he remains silent. She waits.
"You recall the connection you talked about? On my birthday?"
"Yeah," she says.
"It exists. I found it with him."
"Dang," she swears. "I'm jealous."
This makes him smile.
"How does it feel?" she asks.
"Exactly the way you described it," he replies. "And you were right. I was guarded with you. With him I'm a nutcase."
She smiles. "You're not careful or respectful around him?"
Xiao Zhan scoffs. "He's like an extension of my own body. Sometimes I think I even provoke him on purpose. It's almost as though I want to see him lose his mind because in his presence, I'm never able to hold onto mine. He acts calm and controlled, but then I touch his fuse and he just explodes. I love it."
"And you're never afraid?" she asks. "That he'll get fed up?"
Xiao Zhan scoffs again. "Fed up of what? Of how much I love him?"
"Then why are you two breaking up?" she cries.
"He has a troublesome conscience. And to an extent I'm not surprised that he's reacting to our issues in this way. He knows himself, and I guess that was why he ignored the things that he wasn't supposed to ignore. I knew this too, and that was why I avoided addressing it altogether. But then I got angry and ripped him apart for it, and now he feels like he has to prove something to himself... and to me. I'm a fuckingidiot."
At this, he recalls his conversation with Nini weeks earlier, of his reservations about speaking to Yibo about any of this in the first place.
"What if I lose him?" he had asked her. "What if I tell him and because of it I lose him?"
Ni Ni hadn't quite understood him back then.
"What do you mean? How would you lose him?"
"What if he already knows all of this, but just like me he has allowed himself not to acknowledge it? So that it doesn't wound what we have."
Xiao Zhan sighs.
"It is good to know though that I understand him more than I thought I did. Right now he's ripping me to shreds, but his decision in all of this to think of everyone else and me before himself... it just makes me love him all the more."
At this, he cannot help but laugh at himself. "The irony. I was so angry with him for being selfish, and now I'm praying that he is."
He takes another puff on his cigarette and after exhaling, turns to Mei li. "I'm sorry. I think I lost you somewhere there."
She smiles. "Yeah, but I understand."
"You're not going to let him go are you? Even if that's what's best for him?"
"I am what's best for him. Who else is going to be able to handle all that fire and ice inside of him?"
"What about you?" she asks. "Is he best for you?"
This brings to mind once again, their conversation from so many weeks earlier. He turns to her. "He is, and like you said, I'm not one to let go of what's best for me am I?"
"No," she smiles . "You're not."
He finishes the cigarette and stubs it out.
"But... and I'm sorry to ask this but, what if he refuses to budge?"
Xiao Zhan feels the weapon lodged in his chest, claw another section of his heart to pieces.
His voice is almost soundless as he responds.
"That's what terrifies me. He is just as passionate as he is persevering, so when he makes up his mind about something... especially something as detrimental as this, I imagine that it might be impossible to change it."
He sighs.
"The things I love about him are also the things that scare me the most about him."
"Well, I guess you just have to find a way to convince him then, that you're both better off together?"
"I tried earlier today. But I failed. Miserably."
At this, his heart rate picks up and once again, he feels the despair begin to wash over him, working to pull him under.
He loses track of the present, and of time... and returns back to one of the last words that Yibo had spoken to him. "I fuckinglove you."
He had said that and meantit, and yet he had left without saying a final goodbye. He had said that and yet he had returned his only incontestable access to him, and completely cut him off.
The chill of the night seeps into Xiao Zhan's bones, and he cannot help but feel as cold as death.
Notes:
This made me misty, and I just love how it all connects.
Anyway, I want to apologize for some comments that are still unanswered. I'll get to them all today hopefully. These chapters take me so long to write now which cuts into my other deadlines so I find myself rushing off to catch up with my own matters after I update. I reply to the shorter comments quickly, but for the more in depth ones I have to delay it so that I do them justice. I treasure them all so much and for those who read but don't comment please say hi. Emotional manipulation this might be but it is allowed with this chapter. I cried. Anyhu, xo.