Third Person
There were a lot of things that a person wouldn't trust Remus with. Watching their dog or children is one of the most obvious, but there were plenty others. To this day his friends made sure he didn't have much access (if any) to fireworks, toasters, Janus's hat, Virgil's hoodie, plants, matches, fire extinguishers, gift cards, and marshmallows.
Assuming you believed in magic, a genie lamp would probably be on the top of your list of stuff to keep away from Remus. But, of course, genies aren't real, so there's nothing to worry about...right? Yeah, that's what most people would think, but yet here we are.
"Greetings, I am Logan," He sighed heavily, "A genie."
Logan hated his job, if you could even call it that. Being stuck in a stupid lamp for years on end until someone forces you out to fulfill their own selfish desires. He had already been responsible for countless destruction, dating all the way back to the time of Julius Caesar. There was a reason so many people thought he had divine help in his wars.
"Cool!" Logan was surprised at how well Remus was taking this. From what he had learned, humans believed creatures like him were simply fairytales. None of his previous discoverers knew beforehand that those myths were actually based in fact. Honestly, the modernization and popularization of the idea of genies being subservient pricks was quite demeaning to him, "I wish for infinite wishes!"
Of course you do, Logan caught himself almost saying, "You can't do that," Seriously, why did they all ask for that? Heck, the guy would probably ask to make someone fall in love with him next if prior experience was any indication.
"Why not? I got a lot of sh!t I want," Remus complained, because of course he would think to question an all-powerful creature.
Logan sighs slowly, trying not to lose his temper. Being stuck in a tiny oil lamp for decades on end didn't do his patience any favors though, "The laws of nature have determined it is unfair and wildly dangerous for a single mortal being to have more than a certain, imaginary limit of power. Hence, why people all supposedly get three wishes, but your precious 'Aladdin' technically got four. Five if you choose to count the wish for Jasmine to love him, because she does fall for him by the end of the movie."
"Wow, you really aren't a lot of fun, are you?" He frowns dramatically in disapproval, "That's fine though, I'm an accepting soul. Let me guess, you're going to go on about the other rules and crap you genies put in place, right?"
"No," Actually that is what Logan was planning to do, but something about coming off as predictable to this man bothered him, "Popularized media makes it seem as though genies can't do anything too fulfilling, but in reality that's not the case. We can manipulate reality itself, which is where objects that are wished for come from. Despite what some more 'realistic' accounts of genies claim, those goods don't come from another source. So, you can wish for riches and not worry about bleeding the entire country of Angola dry of its wealth, but you do have to be specific."
Remus nods, pretending to have listened to all of that. In reality, he had tuned out expecting some boring lecture, but started paying attention again when he brought up money, and now only slightly regrets not listening the entire time, "So...I can wish for anyone in the world to fall in love with me?" Those old European b@stards had been lying to him the whole time, yet another reason why required readings in literature classes should be abolished.
"Technically, yes," Remus's mind was immediately drawn to all the cute guys he met recently, even the straight ones. There was that guy he met at the bar that drugged his drink. Roman may have thought of the guy as a r@pist and dragged Remus away from him, but the clearly wiser twin thought it was kind of sweet. That guy thought Remus was so out of his league that he was going to take him by force, screw Cinderella that's the love story Disney should sell, "But that newly-infatuated person will most likely become obsessive and insane. Apparently forcing the existence of certain feelings can put quite the strain on a person's mind."
That was even better, who would be a better match for him then another wackadoodle? Then again he couldn't really think of someone by name that he'd want to go out, if he knew someone he wanted to sleep with he would have already done it. Eh, he could come back to that one.
"So, I can't wish for infinite wishes, but can I wish for more wishes?" He asks carefully.
"No," Logan deadpanned.
"Well, f#ck me gently with a chainsaw," He muttered, and yes, he had seen Heathers. It was the only musical he remotely approved of besides Avenue Q.
Still, there were plenty of great wish ideas he could use, Logan couldn't shoot them all down. Well, he probably couldn't. He could wish to topple a small country's government, and become their dictator as a result. He could wish to turn Roman into a girl, so he could finally become the Heather Chandler he was meant to be. Actually, perhaps Heather McNamara was a better choice for the insecurity and depression points. He could wish for a condom that doubled as a fish tank so he would finally have a place to put his pet fish, because Janus didn't appreciate his hat being used for that purpose. Heck, he could wish to change Virgil's name to Virgin!
He decided to focus on his main priority, "I wish for an infinite stick of flavor-changing deodorant."
Logan paused, "I'm sorry, what?"
"Well, I can't just have it stay the same flavor, that would get too repetitive," He reasoned, thinking that was the problem the genie had with it, "Besides, those things are getting expensive and everyone I know has gotten too good at hiding them."
"I give up," Logan grumbled, snapping his fingers. A stick of deodorant appeared in Remus's hand, and it looked like there were colored layers that would rarely repeat for the different flavors.
"Hell yes!" Remus immediately took a large bite out of it, "I wish to own a school bus that can't be damaged. When Pat and Jan's kid starts school someone's gonna have to break that sucker out and they're both cowards that think education is 'important'."
Logan snapped again, and Remus pressed his face to the front window of his house, spotting the large school bus. He'd have to get rid of that ugly yellow color eventually, but for now he'd have to keep it the same so the school workers wouldn't suspect that it wasn't supposed to be there.
"Great, and your third wi-" Logan starts, intending to ask what he wants for his third wish. Most people didn't rush through them, but it seemed he was the type to.
He was interrupted by Remus pressing his lips to Logan's, causing the immortal being to turn bright red, "Huh, I was kinda hoping I would gain some magical powers by doing that," Remus said, a little disappointed.
Logan, meanwhile, resembled an old Microsoft computer with the way he was stuttering, "Wh- You can't- D- Why would you even- What?!"
"Man, you're even more sheltered than Patton, aren't you?" Remus determines, "Kinda surprised no one's ever thought to do it with a genie. See what happens."
It shouldn't be that surprising, at least that's what Logan thought. There wasn't really a way to have intercourse with a genie, as Remus had suggested. That is unless he took a human form, but he suspected that would turn out strangely, because at the end of the day Remus would still be human and he wouldn't.
"Oh, I know!" Logan snapped back to reality when Remus spoke, "What if I wish for you to become a human, because if Disney has taught me anything other than consent is dead, it's that genies kinda hate being genies. I'm sure Patton would love having another kiddo, and I can already tell you and Virgin will have lots of fun talking about his crazy conspiracies, since you probably hold the secrets of the universe and stuff."
"P-pardon?" Logan asked, sure he must have heard him wrong. H
Humans never thought about freeing him, it was yet another thing he hated about the fairytales. They almost always made the main character an upstanding person who set the genie free in the end, but it never turned out that way in real life. It didn't help that he was frustrated about that being one of the only accurate things in those stories, that genies were forever cursed to be subservient to whoever held their lamp.
"I wish for you to become a human, because you apparently won't give me any more free sh!t because of that 'three wishes only' rule," Remus told him, and Logan couldn't keep himself from snapping if he tried.
"Your wish is my command."
A/N: Ok, so I know I recently asked for intrulogical prompts on my announcement page, so it seems kinda mean for me to use my own idea. But I thought of how funny it would be to see Remus and Logan argue over things you can and can't wish for like the stereotypical "I wish for infinite wishes" gag. Also, my longest intrulogical oneshot yet!