♪ᴀᴛʟᴀs:ᴛᴏᴜᴄʜ ʙʏ sʟᴇᴇᴘɪɴɢ ᴀᴛ ʟᴀsᴛ♪
Rᴏxʏ
*Flashback*
"Oh please papi? Sing to me one last time please?" Little me begged.
We barely spent any time with one another, but oh boy, I loved it when he sang to me. He had this beautiful voice that just made my heart melt. It was soothing and sweet like sugar on your tongue.
"I wish I could sweet Nina but-"
Occasionally I got annoyed at the fact that my father kept calling me by a name that wasn't mine.
"Why do you keep calling me that papi? My name is Roxy." I interrupted him.
He shook his head and smiled then bent down so that his eyes were meeting with mine.
"Nina means little girl ¡Y siempre serás mi niña!" He exclaimed happily.
(𝑵𝒊𝒏𝒂 𝒎𝒆𝒂𝒏𝒔 𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒕𝒍𝒆 𝒈𝒊𝒓𝒍 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒂𝒍𝒘𝒂𝒚𝒔 𝒃𝒆 𝒎𝒚 𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒕𝒍𝒆 𝒈𝒊𝒓𝒍!)
"Sí papi." I agreed and he smiled at me before pecking me on the cheek
(𝒀𝒆𝒔 𝒅𝒂𝒅𝒅𝒚.)
*Flashback ends*
My door knob turned quickly, making a click sound as the door opened revealing mom's round face peeking in.
"I didn't say you can come in." I told her with an extreme amount of bore in my tone.
I never imagined that I'd ever talk to my mother that way. It was something I saw in movies and as a kid, I always told myself to never talk to anyone that way. Especially mom. But then again I said the same thing about getting tattoos and yet I got them.
"Excuse me? This is my house and -"
"Yes I know, you'll do whatever you want." I interrupted her.
"Exactly, anyways Jake and I are taking Lucy out for supper, want to join us?"
It was kind that she offered. Before they'd just leave me alone with a dirty house. But I wasn't in the mood for food or an evening filled with insults and arguments. Or to keep getting reminded that I didn't belong in their family. So, I'd rather throw salt in my eyes.
I didn't answer and she got her response then shut my door. I listened as her heels echoed through the passage and then the front door closed softly. I lied down on my mattress and heard the car pulling out of the driveway.
*Flashback*
"Papi you're back!" I squealed excitedly as his car pulled into the driveway.
He turned the engine off and climbed out of his yellow Volkswagen beetle and then noticed me sitting on the doorstep of the front of the house.
"Nina! It's nearly three in the morning! ¿Qué haces sentado afuera?"
(𝑵𝒊𝒏𝒂! 𝒊𝒕'𝒔 𝒏𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒍𝒚 𝒕𝒉𝒓𝒆𝒆 𝒊𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒎𝒐𝒓𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈! 𝑾𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒅𝒐𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒔𝒊𝒕𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒐𝒖𝒕𝒔𝒊𝒅𝒆?)
It was obvious. I waited for him. I didn't see him at all in the day, not even at night and so missing out on some sleep couldn't possibly hurt me. Not if I could just hold on to him for a little while. We'd sway to his sweet lullabies and I'd wrap my tiny arms around his neck, my nose inhaling his strong cologne scented shirt collar. Just enough sniffs to last until our next dance.
"I waited for you papi, thought you weren't coming back but you did!" I exclaimed cheerfully running towards him and hugging his legs.
He chuckled and picked me up, walking into the house.
"Will you sing for me now papi? Canta para mi por favor." I whined pleadingly.
(𝑾𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒔𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒎𝒆 𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒅𝒂𝒅𝒅𝒚? 𝑺𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒎𝒆 𝒑𝒍𝒆𝒂𝒔𝒆.)
"Okay my sweet Nina." He whispered before humming softly and then beginning to sing so beautifully...
𝘖𝘩 𝘮𝘺 𝘴𝘸𝘦𝘦𝘵 𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘭𝘦 𝘨𝘪𝘳𝘭
𝘖𝘩 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘣𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵𝘦𝘯 𝘶𝘱 𝘮𝘺 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘭𝘥
𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘢𝘮𝘦 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘺 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦
𝘐'𝘷𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘨𝘰𝘭𝘥
𝘉𝘶𝘵 𝘪 𝘧𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘥𝘢𝘺 𝘺𝘰𝘶'𝘭𝘭 𝘨𝘰
𝘓𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘮𝘦 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘢𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘦
𝘖𝘩 𝘪 𝘩𝘰𝘱𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘥𝘰 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶
𝘠𝘦𝘴 𝘪 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶
I smiled as he held me tightly. I could have begged for toys or candy. Maybe even Barbie dolls but I just wanted that. I just wanted to feel cared about and loved for.
"In Spanish now papi." I requested with closed eyes.
𝘖𝘩 𝘮𝘪 𝘥𝘶𝘭𝘤𝘦 𝘯𝘪𝘯̃𝘢
𝘖𝘩, 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘰 𝘪𝘭𝘶𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘢𝘴 𝘮𝘪 𝘮𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘰
𝘠 𝘥𝘦𝘴𝘥𝘦 𝘲𝘶𝘦 𝘭𝘭𝘦𝘨𝘢𝘴𝘵𝘦 𝘢 𝘮𝘪𝘥𝘢
𝘏𝘦 𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘥𝘰 𝘣𝘳𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘰 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘰 𝘦𝘭 𝘰𝘳𝘰
𝘗𝘦𝘳𝘰 𝘵𝘦𝘮𝘰 𝘲𝘶𝘦 𝘢𝘭𝘨𝘶́𝘯 𝘥𝘪́𝘢 𝘵𝘦 𝘪𝘳𝘢́𝘴
𝘋𝘦𝘫𝘢́𝘯𝘥𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘴𝘰𝘭𝘰
𝘖𝘩, 𝘦𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘰 𝘲𝘶𝘦 𝘯𝘶𝘯𝘤𝘢 𝘵𝘦 𝘷𝘢𝘺𝘢𝘴, 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘰 𝘴𝘪 𝘢𝘭𝘨𝘶𝘯𝘢 𝘷𝘦𝘻 𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘦𝘴 𝘲𝘶𝘦 𝘺𝘰-
"Carlos?" Mom interrupted his singing as she walked into our tiny living room.
Papi leared his throat. "Why don't you go lie down Nina, I'll be-"
"Stop calling her that! Her name's Roxy!" Mom yelled at him, anger in her tone.
Papi tried to put me down, but I clung onto him. "No papi." I begged but he gave me a stern look. He didn't want me to hear him and mom talk. I hung my head down as I walked out the living room sadly but then hid behind the wall like I always used to. I always wanted to know what was so bad and why it was making them fight all the time. I was only three but I had already learned all about my father's language and his culture. I had already learned about the alphabet, numbers and acts like sharing and being kind. Maybe I was a little girl in a little body but I knew more than what I spoke about.
"I don't want to fight Anna please." He told her after a moment.
She scoffed. "You don't want you fight? After the war YOU started?!!" She yelled throwing her hands in the air.
"Shhh Anna, Nina could hear you." He whispered.
"Stop calling her that!" She snapped at him.
I really didn't mind being called that. As long as he called me something.
"She will always be my sweet Nina, it was the name I've desired for her to have before she was even born and we both agreed we'd name her that and then you went behind my back and named her Roxy?! How could you be so selfish?"
But sometimes I wondered what was wrong with my real name. Why'd he never call me by my name? Not once.
"Why do you care? You're barely at home! You come walking in at three in the morning and then lie to our faces and tell us you were at working then on top of that you have the nerve to call me selfish? You're a hypocrite! A liar! A piece of shit!" Mom screamed at him through the sobs.
"I know.. I know I'm a terrible husband and barely a father, I know, lately I've been bringing tears to your beautiful eyes and I know that I'm hurting you and her too, but I'm trying Anna and I hope that you'll learn to see that soon." He spoke in a hushed tone, walking closer to mom and comforting her with his big bear hug.
The image of mom and dad looking so peaceful made my heart happy. And in those moments I really believed that things were going to get better.
I smiled and walked into the bedroom.
*Flashback ends*
How naive and dumb we both were. Mom and I. As a little kid I thought I knew it all, thought I had witnessed all the pain when dad left, thought I tasted all the tears when I'd cry myself to sleep each night hoping he'd come back and that I'd fall asleep on his chest listening to the rhythm of his heartbeat as I once did before.
I thought I knew anger by how mom had treated me ever since he had left. I thought I knew myself, thought that I knew how to control myself but I didn't. How could I possibly control all of the pain, anger, tears and blood, all the hurt from over fifteen years. FIFTEEN fucking years of feeling alone, lost and ashamed. FIFTEEN years of changing schools, living with fucked up people because my mom was too ashamed to show the world her little regret. And him? He moved on, he moved on before he even left. He had his desire. He cheated on mom, he lied to us. He lied to me. He never wanted a Roxy, his desire was a Nina.
Mom told me that she had named me Roxy which meant dawn but I soon realized that dad never wanted to stay from dusk till dawn. He left at dusk and never came back to acknowledge the dawn. He preferred Nina and if that meant never seeing the dawn again then that's what needed to be done. His sweet little girl was always his dream. It sucked knowing that I was never anyone's dream. I was a burden, a mess, a pity story and only now I realized that maybe... Maybe I was never his sweet Nina.