It was a soup of emotions when I saw Alex emerge from the gate at the airport. He was out first, bag over his shoulder and his hair long and unkempt, tucked behind his ears as through the darkened glass of his glasses I could see the exact moment his scanning eyes spotted me.
I felt my heart release chemicals of love and joy the moment his pursed lips curled into a wide smile and the crease between his eyebrows disappeared. There was no hesitation in allowing my feet to begin guiding me through all the people in between us. My cheeks were already hurting from how wide I was smiling. I was so relieved to see him again. I couldn't have gone another week second guessing everything in the self destructive manner that consumed me when I was on my own.
Like almost every other time, Alex dropped his bag to his feet and caught me as I jumped up onto him, hugging him tight with both my arms and legs. He was back. He was finally back. For good.
"God I've missed you," Alex said into my hair, hugging his arms around me. "I know it's barely been two weeks but I haven't stopped thinking about you since you left."
I giggled and moved to look at him, "I love you," I grinned and kissed him hard as Alex lowered me to the ground. I missed him more than I could put into words. Just the feeling of his arms around me, my fingers in his hair, his lips on mine and his body so close, made me feel so at home and safe. Every time I saw him for the first time I felt my second guesses flush out clean. But of course, they always came back.
"How's dinner tonight sound?" Alex smiled, his face still close enough to mine that I could feel his breath on my lips.
"Still keeping your promises from before?" I smiled, holding my hands against the base of his neck, toying with the ends of his hair. He looked better than I could imagine. Right off a long flight too. There was a thin layer of stubble around his lips that grazed my chin when we kissed, it made him look even better than when he was clean shaven which was something I thought wasn't possible. He looked healthy, not exhausted like he was when I left.
Maybe I was the reason why he was so drained. Oh god stop it and just be happy that he's here!
"Of course," Alex smiled and kissed me once more. "Yer hair looks fantastic," he mentioned.
I blushed and brushed it off my face, "not noticeably uneven?" I'd cut it during a breakdown where a pair of scissors were just that bit too close. It was the first time since I'd met him that I'd had it cut above my shoulders. It was never ridiculously long because I always found that a hassle but it was the shortest it had been since I left highschool where I had one of those teeny tiny bobs that sit about an inch under your ears.
"No, I mean it, you are gorgeous as ever," he smiled and tucked the curled locks behind my ear as Miles came over to join us.
"Alright he's your problem now," Miles teased and pat my shoulder. "I've had enough for the next five years."
"Fuck off," Alex laughed and poked a finger into Miles' side to make him squirm.
"I'll see you two in a bit," Miles smiled and brought us each into a hug. "Right. Now I'll be off, I've got a whole month's sleep to catch up on."
Soon enough, Al and I were on our way back to our home. I could tell Alex was excited as hell to see me and be back, but he couldn't resist his urge to fall asleep within the first ten minutes of our drive home. He was always so cute when he slept. His eyelids shut tight over his round eyes, all the strain in his face eased and his lips pressed together as the occasional quiet snore escaped from his nostrils.
I went to wake him up when I thought of something funny to say but when I looked at him and saw how peaceful he was, I didn't want to disturb him and so kept my mouth closed.
The one time he woke up on that ride was when he didn't like the song playing on the radio and connected up my phone, playing our joint playlist and then fell right back asleep.
When we got home however, he made himself a triple shot coffee and was buzzing awake for the rest of the day. The first thing he did as pull me to lie with him on one of our settees as I asked for a detailed account of the last couple weeks of the tour.
"It happens every time," he was telling me, "like I'm so into all the live performing at the beginning and then as I progress through the tour, I start to come up with new ideas and songs and all that shite."
I laughed at the way he was exaggerating his gestures and facial expressions and then would tone them down when he was getting all serious again. His voice a hoarse whisper that was so soothing for the ears.
"And I end up just itching to get back into the studio, to fiddle around with all these new sounds and songs and...I'm back at that point once again," he said, eyes darting around as if to collect his thoughts from different moments in space.
He let out a soft chuckle, "but it's really annoying this time round."
"Why's that?" I asked, looking up at him and admiring his face.
"I just really want to settle meself down," Alex said, "just...take it easy for a little while...from all the–the publicity and work—even though Mum told me always to be a hard worker..."
"You always say that," I smiled, grazing my fingertips over his collarbone.
"What?" he asked.
"Take it easy for a little while," I recounted.
Alex scoffed a laugh, "I didn't even realise..." his mind trailed off again. "But I do wanna put some time aside instead of jumping right back into it like I always do...cause that always seems to become real demanding in me life and I wanna focus on us more."
I couldn't help but smile. Saorise was right, maybe things were going to be okay. The only problem was me. I had to stop getting so broken down so easily, that was the only thing in our way and I found strength knowing that I had the ability to change that.
"Just live low for a year or summat...call it quits for the time being and settle us down," Alex said, stroking my hair behind my ear. "I've been away so long I think I owe it to ya to be here consecutively don't you think?"
I giggled and pecked the corner of his mouth. "As long as you're happy, that's all that matters to me."
Alex grinned and pressed his lips to mine, begging for me to allow him to find whatever he was hoping to find as his tongue grazed mine with the spark of electricity. His kisses always made joy burst in every corner of my body. The way he'd tilt his head to the side and place a hand under my chin to hold my lips to his. The gentle urgency of it all, like he was politely asking for permission yet desperately begging for it all at once.
"Fuck I missed you so much," he mumbled and brought me in once more before announcing, "we ought to start getting ready for dinner or else I'm not gonna be able to hold meself back."
And so we headed off to the Italian restaurant Matt had told Alex about that he hadn't been able to forget. It was beautiful. I almost felt underdressed but Alex assured me that I outshone any other person or piece of glimmering gold in there.
He opened the heavy door for me like a real gentleman and after confirming a booking he'd placed weeks ago, guided me with a gentle hand on the small of my back as we followed the waiter to our two person table. It was situated right against the carved stone railing of the balcony outside. Everything was lit by candlelight and soft stringed bulbs that reminded me of stars.
There was a nice distance between us and the other tables, perfect for privacy in conversation. There were other lovers sat at other tables, smiling at each other with that same look that only meant one thing.
We were given complimentary champagne that was poured for us in tall slender glasses. The delicate foam kissing the brim of the glass as we clinked them together and took a small sip.
"Matt was right," I said, looking around us at our slice of heaven. "This place is stunning."
"He's always had good taste in these types of things," Alex smiled and clasped his hands together on the table. "Can always trust his judgment."
"I feel like royalty here," I laughed.
"You damn well look like it," Alex smiled.
I blushed. "Stop it you," I said and hid behind my menu.
"Can't help meself," Alex chuckled, "I'm only human, love."
We ordered some entree's that we shared, followed by mains that we slowly progressed through. Making sure we ate everything on the plate as the food was just too good to waste. It melted in my mouth and bursted with flavour with every bite. It was like edible heaven really. Thank you Matthew.
"Here are some dessert menus," the waiter said and politely handed Alex and I each a faux pressed leather covered menu once our mains were whisked away. "Order whenever you're ready, it's on the house tonight."
I smiled up at him gratefully, "thank you so much." He bowed his head courteously and disappeared off to another table.
"Don't think I can fit anything else in," Alex chuckled, his eyes gliding down the menu.
"Oh I definitely can," I laughed and picked out a lemon and peach panda cotta.
"Might just grab an espresso and a cannoli then," Alex said, brushing his leg against mine under the table.
When the desserts arrived, Alex did what he always did and was suddenly hungry again and asked with puppy eyes whether he could try a bit of mine once's he'd inhaled his cannoli. Laughing and rolling my eyes at how well I knew him, I scooped him up a serving on my spoon and fed it to him across the table.
"Fuck," Alex moaned, "that is good."
"If you want more you can have some," I giggled, handing him one of the teaspoons I had left over from the setup on the table when we arrived.
"You know me better than I know meself," Alex chuckled and shared the plate with me. "How've you been love? I realised I haven't properly asked you yet."
I shrugged and focused on eating, "I'm okay. No breakdowns since I called you last...you're not unhappy are you?"
Alex immediately it concerned, putting a hand on top of mine, "no of course not."
I nodded, "sorry. My second guesses always get really bad when I'm on my own...they're thinking about promoting me at the company," I said as to not big down the night.
"Really? That's amazing, darling," Alex smiled.
"Roy said they want me to start actually putting the exhibitions together rather than just finding artists and drawing up plans," I explained. Roy was my boss at my job that wasn't the gallery. It was still all art related but more on the putting on the show part than being the venue and dusting artworks. "Only thing is that it means I might have to start travelling to and from like New York depending on where the exhibition is."
"That's incredible sweetheart," Alex grinned, squeezing my hand excitedly, "I am so proud of you. You have no idea."
"I told him I was more than happy to do it but that I'm not ready to start flying in and out of home just yet," I admitted, putting my other hand on Alex's that was already on mine. "Especially since you just got back."
"Long distance is a kicker innit?" Alex hummed.
"You bet," I said and hugged a laugh. "I've missed you. More than you can imagine."
"I missed you too," Alex smiled and brought one of my hands to his lips, kissing my knuckles. "And I—"
"May I take your plates?" our waiter interrupted.
"Oh...yeah—thank you," Alex stammered, clearing his throat and letting go of my hand.
"Not a problem," the waiter smiled and cleared our table.
Alex waited for him to disappear before he turned back to talk to me. "Sorry, what I were saying was that I—"
"Would you like your cheque sir?" another waiter interrupted, the bill already in his hands.
"I'm just a minute please," Alex requested politely.
"I'm afraid that's not possible," the waiter apologised, looking from me to Alex. "We close soon."
"Oh..." Alex said and looked at me briefly. "I—uh—right...yeah...of course I can take it now," he said and took the small black booklet from the waiter. Fishing out his wallet he didn't even bother looking at the bill and just sandwiched in his card. It seemed as though he had something else on his mind.
We were escorted from our table soon after, showered in apologies that we couldn't stay longer. I didn't mind, I'd already had the most enjoyable night. I'd worked at a restaurant before and I knew how awful it felt to have to ask customers to cut their time short because of closing.
"Thank you!" I cooed out to the staff as we exited through the front door. They gave us soft smiles between completing their jobs as Alex guided me with a hand on my hip out onto the street.
"Sorry we couldn't stay longer," Al said as we began walking to where we'd parked the car.
"Don't apologise," I said, hugging an arm around his back as we walked side by side. "I had the best night. Thank you for taking me out."
Alex managed a soft smile as he looked down at me, "no need. I love you."
"I love you more," I grinned and pecked his lips.
I could tell Alex left that night a little disappointed for a reason he wouldn't disclose to me. I wasn't sure if maybe it was just because he was tired or if he didn't like being asked to leave early. However, either way, by the time we got back to the apartment he was smiling and laughing like normal as he swept me up into his arms and carried me to our bedroom.
"So this is why you've forced yourself to stay awake huh?" I giggled as he climbed over me and dipped his head down to kiss me hard.
"I'm not coming off that horny am I?" Alex chuckled with red cheeks as I pushed his jacket off his muscular shoulders.
"No," I grinned, hooking my fingers in his belt loops and pulling his hips down to meet mine. "Just as eager as I am."
Alex grinned and brought his lips to mine. My hands went to unbuckling his belt and threading it out of his slacks, tossing it away to be forgotten until tomorrow. Our tongues were dancing together as he moved an arm beneath me and pushed me up to his body, lifting me up off the mattress so we were chest to chest. I clung to him with my legs and buried my hands in his hair as I moved my lips to his ear.
"Even though I love having you over me," I began, speaking low and sensual because I knew it would ignite him. "I'm on top," I said, flipping Alex over onto the mattress as a wide grin spread across his cheeks.
We went to bed like lovers from heaven. But when we woke up, I could tell he was frustrated about something that he was keeping internal.
"Al is something wrong?" I asked him over breakfast.
He shook his head stiffly and smiled, "no of course not love. I'm just thinking. Sorry if me face is falling in a misleading way." He was actually telling the truth. "You did enjoy dinner last night right?" he asked a little unsurely.
"Of course I did," I smiled, pecking his cheek as we sat out on the patio with plates of toast, avocado on mine and beans on Alex's, with accompanying cups of orange juice. "It was perfect," I said, "everything about it."
"Okay," Alex smiled and bit into his toast.
I giggled to myself as he put the toast back on his plate and lifted a hand to his nose. "You've got a little something here," I said and wiped the baked bean 'sauce' from the bottom of his nose.
Alex snorted a laugh, "thank you, love. Without you I'd look like a clown."
"You are a clown," I teased.
"Ey!" exclaimed Alex, poking my side where he knew I was ticklish. "By the way, one of the guys from the record label has invited us out for a dinner in a few weeks time. I don't think you've met him yet: Steve?"
I shook my head, "doesn't ring a bell."
"Well I'd love to introduce ya," Alex smiled, putting a hand on my thigh, "and show you off to everybody."
I laughed and rolled my eyes. As promised, I kept Alex up to date with everything troubling me. Almost everything...everything that didn't make him doubt how I felt about him. Like Saorise said, I extrapolated things when he wasn't around and found a way to hurt myself. I didn't need to hurt him too.
He was so supportive. From driving me to and from therapy and grief counselling, to holding me tight and comforting me when I woke up from nightmares or had random unprovoked breakdowns. I tried to keep the latter to a minimum because it was draining the both of us but sometimes I couldn't keep it in. More than I thought possible reminded me of Amie. Blue hydrangeas were the real killer.
It was the worst timing as well. I'd come from from work, tired and ready just to relax. Alex had cooked dinner ready for me the second I stepped through the front door and he handed me a bouquet of flowers as a random act of love. I smiled at first, then the subtle scent his my nose and I looked into my hands to see two little blue bursts staring back at me intertwined with roses and tulips.
It was the most awful thing. My blood ran cold, my stomach shrunk and my lungs began to struggle for air. Before I knew it I was crying in his arms as he apologised over and over. It wasn't his fault. But seeing those same flowers that she held in her cold hands in her casket made me feel nauseous and crumbled me completely.
"I'm so sorry baby, I didn't even realise, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry," Alex wept, hugging me tight to his chest.
"It's okay, it's okay," I assured him once I'd pulled myself together. I wish I didn't fall apart so easily. "In fact, they make it better," I said, "they remind me of her."
"I should've looked properly," Alex said. "Fuck!"
"Al! It's alright!" I said to him, rubbing his back. "Don't beat yourself up. Please. I'm sorry I got so emotional. But I love them. I really do. I love them so much."
From then, Alex seemed to be walking on glass whenever he was around me. Double checking everything as if I could shatter at any given moment. I knew he was doing it from the kindness of his heart but it broke my heart. I didn't want him to act differently towards me. I didn't want him to see me as some broken toy that had to be treated with care. But I knew if I told him this he'd find himself stuck and helpless and that was the last thing I wanted.
I started on antidepressants the week he came back. He was great at encouraging me to take them when I was supposed to, even when I started to steer away from them because of their side effects. Sometimes I wouldn't sleep well. Other times I had not sex drive at all; Alex was never bothered and assured me a lack there of didn't make our relationship any less than it was. I was fluctuating in weight and emotions. I knew they were actually helping because the breakdowns started to stop and the grieving softened out. But overall, I wasn't really feeling much like myself anymore.
"You ready, honey?" Alex asked in that beautiful smooth voice of his. It was the night of his friend, Steve's, dinner. We were supposed to be heading out for it soon, Alex was going to introduce me to all the people from the record label that I hadn't yet met.
"Hm?" I hummed, snapping out of my thoughts and looked over at him as he walked away from the mirror over to me. I was all done up. Dressed and ready to go. But I didn't feel like going out at all.
"Ready?" Alex repeated.
"I...yeah," I said quietly, my mind so far gone somewhere else that I couldn't even retrieve it to pull myself together for him. It was one of those nights where despite all my effort, I hated the way I looked in the mirror. Even wearing clothes I usually loved the way I looked in, I felt like crap. My perception of myself was warped and I couldn't find a way to accept myself. "Do you really want me to come out with you tonight?"
Alex furrowed his eyebrows, "yeah of course." I nodded silently but my eyes just fell from his face to the floor. "Hey what's up?" Alex asked, moving to come sit down with me.
"Nothing," I said shaking my head as the mattress sunk with his weight.
"Orion," he said.
I sighed guiltily, knowing that was him reminding me that it was okay to tell him anything. "Would you be mad if I didn't come out?" I asked. "I just...I don't really feel like it tonight."
"What?" Alex said, a little taken aback, "why?"
I chewed on my lip and picked at my nails. I felt so terrible. But I legitimately could not stomach the idea of going out. I felt like shit. I thought I looked like shit. And now Alex was going to be worrying about me all night instead of enjoying himself. So many thoughts were just attacking my mind that I knew I needed to take a step back before I imploded.
"I'm sorry," I said, "I know I'm being difficult but I just wanna stay home."
"Why, baby?" Alex asked, putting a hand on top of mine to stop me from fidgeting.
"I don't know, I don't think I have it in me to be social," I sighed. "I don't want you to be mad. It's not your friends or anything. I just...you go out, have a good time. It's better off I stay home," I said.
"What? Don't say that, O," Alex said, squeezing my hand. "It'll be alright, I promise."
"I know, and I'm sure it will be but Al I...I don't wanna go out. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," I said. I felt so horrible but I knew that night if I had went out it would only be a matter of time before I had a complete breakdown in front of everybody. It was lingering inside me. I'd learnt to sense it. "I don't wanna be on the brink all night, I want you to have a good time."
Alex sighed unhappily, "I know you don't want to but what if we just went for a little while?"
I ran a hand through my hair. I hated feeling like this. Half of me wanted to go whilst the other half was terrified of doing so. I knew it sounded unreasonable and stupid but as much as I wanted to for Alex's sake, I just couldn't bring myself to do it.
"I can't Al," I apologised, "I'm sorry, I really am but I can't. I'm just going to have an anxiety attack and worry everyone and ruin the night."
"You won't ruin anything," Alex argued.
"But I will," I said. "I always do. I'll come out next time I promise, but you wanted me to be honest and I really can't do it today," I said guiltily.
Alex sighed and rubbed his forehead with his hand. He could tell I wasn't going to budge and we both knew how frustrating it was for him. He deserved better than me. I wish I wasn't such a goddamn mess.
"Fine," he exhaled and stood up. "I'll tell them you're not well."
"I'm sorry, Al, I really am," I said, my whole body heavy with guilt.
"It's whatever," he said shaking his head. The hurt in his eyes broke my heart to a thousand pieces, "it's not your fault, love. I'll see you when I get back."
"Al..." I said, standing up to follow him as he moved out of the bedroom.
"Don't worry about it Orion," he sighed and grabbed his keys, not once looking at me. "Make sure you eat. I love you." He was upset. Exhausted. I didn't realise how much it meant to him until he was gone. He'd been silently excited all week and I hadn't even bothered to pull myself together for him.
Like the pathetic woman I am, the moment he left my eyes began bubbling with tears. Why did I have to be so talented in ruining everything? I knew that I wouldn't be able to bring myself to go out that night but once he was gone I just became engulfed in this inescapable sea of guilt for putting myself before his happiness. You should've put him first you idiot. You can deal with your shit later but you can't hurt him. You let him down. He was so excited.
My heart was aching, bruised in my chest. I wanted to message him and apologise but then I thought about how annoying that would be for him to receive and refrained from doing so. And so instead, I waited in agony for hours for him to come home.
During the time between his departure and arrival, I had an extensive and fairly destructive internal debate. The fear of it all sparked by the possibility that I could ever push him away to the point of losing him. I tried recalling what Saorise had said to stop me from thinking I was hurting Alex in any way but the reality was that I was. I loved him but I was in fact, tearing him apart and because he loved me, he was allowing me to do so.
I was in the bathroom for a good twenty minutes, debating whether or not to flush the rest of my pills because all they were doing was making it worse for me. I didn't. I might not have been grieving or feeling as depressed as I was before but they were causing other problems to surface.
Even with my mourning I knew I was eventually going to be okay in the end. But now I just felt like everything I did was having a negative effect on Alex and suddenly I wished he'd just stayed away from me.
He would've been happier. All I ever did was hurt him, even before we got together. Never being able to leave Christian for him and making him suffer the agony of pouring his heart out to me and having me turn him away every single time. And somehow, he was still here. He was still sticking around and I just felt like if he did for any longer he was going to crumble completely.
It was times like these that calls to my sister were missed the most. Even though she was younger than me and liked to joke twenty three and a half of the twenty four hours in a day, she always knew what to say and how to cheer me up. The only other person that could cheer me up like she did was Alex. And I'd hurt him and let him down.
I began to think about what he told me on our first Friendsgiving. "I just always feel like everyone was happier before they met me." It felt so bleak when he'd said it but now I understood exactly what he meant. I felt like an active grenade sitting in the palm of his hand. I'd brought him so much confusion and pain and now it was well and truly breaking him down. I was my happiest with him but he seemed much less at war with himself the first night he showed up drunk on my doorstep than he did when he was lying in bed next to me.
This realisation triggered a panic attack within me. I didn't know what to do and so I called Arielle of all people because she was about as close to a sister as I now had. But when she picked up, I realised I didn't want to burden her too with my problems and so cleared my throat and said: "oh I'm just calling to see how you're going!"
Alex had left for dinner at seven. By eleven forty he still wasn't home. I couldn't sleep until I saw his face again. I just sat on the sofa, picking at my nails and chewing the insides of my cheeks raw until I eventually heard the car pull up in the driveway.
My heart was beating out of my chest. Apologies suffocating me and clogging up my throat as I eyed the front door. I had to let it all out. I'd told him as much as I was ready to until that point and now I knew I had to tell him everything. I couldn't keep hurting him like I was. He was too good to be putting up with my shit.
The second I saw him I just began apologising. Saying I knew I should've come out with him and that I wasn't thinking about the impact on him rather than myself. Now that he was back, having gone out seemed so much easier than before. Especially in comparison to the self destruction staying home on my own had.
"Rion, it's okay," Alex hummed and hugged me tight. "I wish you were there but it's not yer fault that you couldn't come. I shouldn't have been so frustrated, I just really wanted you there tonight."
"I know, and I'm sorry I wasn't," I said, looking up into his deep brown eyes. He was smiling reassuringly but in his eyes all I saw were layers of pain and frustration. "Al I'm so sorry," I said quietly.
Alex's face ran pale as he realised the change in subject for my apology. "Why?"
I chewed on my lip and inhaled a deep breath to steady myself. "For tearing you apart."
His dark eyebrows drew tight to crease his forehead, "what do you mean?"
My throat began to tighten, I could feel my eyes prick with tears. "You're hurting. All the time, I can see it," I confessed. "And it breaks my heart but there's nothing I can do because I'm the problem."
"What are you saying O?" Alex asked almost frantically, putting a hand on my arm as I began to shrink into myself.
"I've been hurting you this whole time," I said, my voice straining with every string of pain that was poisoning my body. "I've tried so hard to pull myself together but I'm broken and it's killing you...I don't want to keep on hurting you."
"You're not, you're not baby," Alex said quickly, grasping my hands tightly. "Why are you saying this? Talk to me. Talk to me, please, where is this coming from?"
I inhaled a shaky breath, clinging onto his strong hands for dear life. "I'm broken Al," I said as hot tears began gliding down my cheeks. "And I don't think I'm gonna get better any time soon."
He looked like he'd been shot in the chest. Helplessness rushing thick through his face. His round eyes shimmering as they glazed over, trembling and innocent. Like a child or a puppy. Confused as to why they were feeling such pain so quickly.
"I've tried so hard to be okay but I'm not. We both know that," I said. Alex looked so ashamed of himself. Bubbling over with guilt. How have you managed to do this to him? He used to look at you like you were the only girl in the world. "I can see the way you look at me and how you're careful about everything you do; and I don't want you to have to live like that. I just want you to be happy and I feel like I'm fucking that up."
"No, Orion," Alex said and squeezed my hands tight, tears beginning to teeter over the edge of his eyelashes. "You make me happy. You're not fucking anything up—"
"But I am Al," I cried, "I always have. I'm damaged goods and I don't want you to feel like you have to walk on eggshells around me. You deserve so much better."
"Orion," Alex begged.
"I'm sorry for everything I've put you through," I sobbed hopelessly. "I'm so sorry."
"Stop apologising, baby, you haven't done anything wrong," Alex said desperately.
"I've drained you," I said. "And I know you want to help and I want to get better for you but it's going to take so long and it's already breaking away at you. I just want you to be happy and I feel like I'm holding you from that."
"That's not true," Alex said, blinking once and sending an unstoppable stream of tears down his cheeks. His nose was bright red and so were his eyes. I hated to see him cry.
"I just...I love you so much," I whimpered, "you're the love of my life and I'm just so scared of ruining us. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me and I'm terrified of losing you but I'm hurting you so much."
"No," Alex said, shaking his head. He brought me tight into his arms, holding my head to his chest as I wept helplessly and pathetically. Even then I was hurting him, just by saying so. "Orion, we need to talk about this," he sniffled, "you can't be thinking of yourself like that. Please."
"But it's true," I said.
"No it's not," Alex said. He looked like he wanted to continue but refrained from doing so after seeing my face. Instead he just walked us over to the sofas and sat me down as I tried to calm myself and stop the thousands of tears from rolling down my cheeks.
"Orion," he started. His voice was trembling and I could see how rigid his body had gotten. His eyes were like goldfish, swimming in bowls of water. Heartbreak.
"I love you. More than I've ever loved anyone or anything in my whole life," he continued. "You're what keeps me sane and grounded every day. But I can see how much you're hurting too and it breaks my heart."
He moved a hand to my cheek and briefly wiped away a few tears before dropping that hand to my lap, interlocking our fingers tight like nothing in the world could tear us apart.
"The only thing I want as much as I want you is for you to be happy. Properly happy. But all you do is push your own happiness aside for mine," Alex said, "I can't let you do that anymore. I can't let you put yer health and yourself on standby for me."
"I am happy with you," I said.
"No," Alex shook his head, "you're happy for me. You want to be happy so that I don't worry. But you're not, O. I hate seeing you tear yourself apart just so that I don't have anything to be concerned about. You are everything to me. All I want is for you to be happy with yourself. Not for anyone, and not so that no one worries about you. I just want you to be properly happy."
"I know you don't like feeling selfish but you have to start putting yourself first, darling," Alex said, the tears on his cheeks making melancholically beautiful patterns down his face and meeting at his chin.
This whole time all I'd done was worry about whether I was putting a good enough show on to convince Alex I was okay. He was right. I'd put him before everything else. I didn't even see anything wrong with that until he lay it out for me. I just wanted him to be happy so bad that I neglected myself. Just like Katie had told me not to do when I broke up with my ex.
I felt Alex squeeze my hand tighter and found myself looking up into his eyes. He was in the midst of internal preparation. For what? I didn't yet know. He was looking into my eyes as if it was the very last time he would see me, like I'd disappear into dust in mere moments. Words were stuck in his through. Thoughts blocking up his mind. It was like a thunderstorm had crept into him and exploded chaos that he was trying his best to unleash in soft white clouds.
"Orion I love you," he eventually said. "So much." He inhaled a deep breath with a loud sniffle and put both his hands on mine. "I think it's best if you focus on yourself for awhile. And only you."
My stomach dropped to my heels. "What?" I stammered quietly. The apologetic look in Alex's eyes is what made my skin cold and my heart shrink. "No. No Alex. Please don't say that," I begged and began weeping.
"I'm only saying this because I love you," Alex said. I began to panic. My entire world was crumbling around me so fast. I could no longer catch the tumbling bricks or sweep the debris under the carpet.
"I will always love you, O," he said, his voice cracking as he held back as many tears and sobs as he could. "I just want what's best for you. And right now I think that's taking time for yourself and focusing on your happiness not mine or anyone else's. You're juggling too many things right now and I just want you to sort things out for you at your own pace. Not stuck worrying about whether I'm gonna be okay or not."
"Al no," I wept. "I can't do it without you."
"You never held me back," Alex said surely, cupping my cheek as my vision went blurred with tears. "You are so strong and I will always be here for you when you need me but I can't see you tear yourself down anymore. I want you to find your happiness, not a happiness within me."
"I don't want to have to separate," Alex said with tears in his eyes, "but if it's what's best for you, then I'm willing to do anything."
I shook my head as my shoulders bounced up and down with each cry coming from my mouth. "No," I cried, "please Alex. No. No, no no. I can't bare the thought of being without you. Or seeing you with anyone else."
"Orion," Alex said and moved closer to me. "Don't you remember how long I waited for you?"
Silence rang over us. I looked up at him. Completely shattered and vulnerable before him.
"I would wait all that, again. I would wait for eternity if it meant you came out happy on the other side," he said. That was love. Even if I was too distraught to see it in the moment. That was what love was.
"I'm willing to wait however long it takes for you," he continued. "I just want you to be happy for you and not for anyone else."
"Alex," I sobbed as he brought me into his arms. The thought of being without him made me sick. And of course I ignored how he was looking out for me and instead cried over the fact that my worst nightmare had come true. My inability to pull myself together had torn us apart. I'd ruined the most valuable and most important thing in my entire life.
"Please don't do this," I wept into his chest, savouring every second as I feared it might be the last time I could ever do so. He'd been thinking this over for awhile. "I can't."
"We don't have to separate if you truly believe you can't do it without me. And that's okay. I am going to be right here regardless," Alex said, hugging me tight. "It's your choice. I don't want to break up but I want what's best for you just as bad. Because you are my entire world and all I want is for you to be happy."
I met his eyes once more. Terrified as he was. I'd never been in such pain before. All because I knew that he was my once in a life time. He was my soulmate. And somehow the world had managed to tear us apart.
"It's up to you, darling," Alex said softly. The weight of the decision was a load too heavy for me to hold. I knew I needed him but I also considered what he was saying. I felt sick at the thought of it. Decisions have never been my strong point. And yet, here I was, facing the most important one of all.
Alex tucked my hair behind my ears and held my withering gaze to his. Promising safety and comfort in whichever route I chose. Whether to walk in hand with him or to walk alone.
"Choose whatever you think is truly best for you. And I will be here either way for as long as you need me."