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The sun is just peeking over the horizon as I sit silently on my balcony, my back against the end of the small couch with my knead propped in the air. I woke up this morning, about an hour ago, feeling sick and angry for letting myself drink last night, all because I wanted to forget stupid reality. And it didn't even work. I know this is something I have to deal with, it's real life. But I just don't know if I can watch my parents move on without me.
The air is still crisp and chilly with slight morning breeze, Harry's hoodie covers my body, my underwear the only other piece of clothing on me. I'm surprised I managed to slip out of bed without waking Harry up, but I did. He slept hard all night.
The city is slowly coming to life as the sun continues to rise into another beautiful day. The honking is going to start picking up any minute now, just like the sound of tires screeching on the pavement and the jumbled murmur of the citizens of the city. Life goes on. Life always goes on no matter who died, no matter what happened. Tomorrow always comes, even if you don't want it to.
"Baby." Harry's voice is raspy and tired, the sliding door gliding smoothly as he closes it behind him, my eyes following his slow movements. I send him a small smile that falls, Harry sighing as he sits on the other end of the couch, watching me with tired eyes.
"You should go back to sleep, H. I'm fine, I'm just thinking." I assure him, running my fingertips down my legs, bringing goosebumps to my skin. Harry sighs and rubs his eyes with his fingers.
"I'm not going back to sleep unless you come with me." He states, his voice hoarse and gravelly. I sigh, my gaze dropping to my lap as I bring my hands to my thighs. "Your parents divorced after years of marriage, you're allowed to be upset, Clover." Harry continues, a sigh escaping my lips.
"I'm not upset, Harry. I honestly don't care, it's just another point proven that they never gave a shit about me." I snap, pinching my eyes closed as I sigh. "I'm sorry." I whisper, shaking my head with guilt, knowing he's just trying to be here for me and make me feel better.
"I wish you would stop saying that, Clover. Your parents care about you, they just don't show it in ways that you want." He sighs. I shake my head in disagreement.
"You don't understand." I mumble, standing up from the couch and moving inside. It takes Harry less than a second to follow me.
"No, no we aren't doing that." He voices, his hand catching mine and spinning me to face him. "You don't tell me what I do and don't understand, I understand this more than you think. Do not push me away right now." He continues, his eyes flickering between my own as I stare up at him.
"I'm fine. I'm not talking about this anymore, Harry." I state firmly, watching as he shakes his head. My eyebrows furrow as he lets go of my hand, moving to sit on my couch.
"You aren't fine, you got wasted last night and you don't drink. You hate alcohol. You are not fine, Clover and that's okay." He replies easily, watching me with his hands folded, his forearms rested on his knees. "I love you, and I know how you work, you don't get to lie to me." He continues, my heart racing in my chest as I stare out the window, avoiding his gaze.
"I have to go to work." I voice after a moment of silence and Harry staring at me. I don't wait for his response as I walk off to my bedroom, although he follows with heavy foot steps.
"Not until ten." Harry speaks, walking towards me as I open my closet door. He invades my personal space by a long shot as he wraps his arm around my waist, the other closing my closet door before turning me to fully face him. "Don't be upset." He mumbles, his lips pressing to my collar bones as he hugs me, my hands sliding around his waist.
"Feels like I can never get a break." I sigh quietly, Harry's lips trailing up my neck, his nose nudging my jaw for more access to my neck. He leaves light kisses to my skin, his hands flexing on my hips under my clothing.
"I know, baby. But you're also not a quitter." He breathes, a small smile tugging my lips as I shake my head, Harry giggling against my neck before pulling away, his eyes flickering between mine as they sparkle with amusement. "Put some pants on, let's go to the café. We haven't been there in forever." He tells me, groping my ass as he grins cheekily down at me.
"You want me to walk around New York like this?" I ask, holding my arms out. Harry rolls his eyes as he looks at me, a smile playing on my lips as he squint his eyes.
"You look hot." He shrugs, a laugh escaping my lips as I shake my head, Harry dressing himself similar to me. Both of us wear sweatpants and his hoodies, my hair messily thrown into a ponytail, Harry's hood kept up over his curls. "Mmm my baby." He grins, cupping my cheeks as he leans down and kisses me firmly.
I smile up at him, my cheeks warm as he takes my hand, leading me out of my apartment. His fingers intertwine with my own innocently, my cheek pressed against his arm as we walk towards the elevator.
"I don't ever want summer to end." I sigh, Harry's knuckle pressing the elevator button a few times, the small circle illuminated with a misty white color.
"Why?" He asks, glancing down at me. I shrug my shoulders, the two of us stepping aside as a man comes out of the elevator, sending us a short nod as we trade places.
"Then we get busy again and we can't have as many sleepovers." I explain, Harry grinning as he leans his back against the elevator wall, my hand still engulfed in his. "I'm never going to be able to sleep." I add on, Harry shaking his head.
"We'll have time, my schedule will be less crowded. I'll be a Junior, I'm only taking a few classes." He tells me, a small sigh escaping my lips. Although I know I won't be much busier than I was last year, I still know I'll have more work to do, especially with my advanced art class that requires more time and effort than I've been putting in.
"Yeah, I know." I mumble, the elevator doors gliding open to the lobby, Harry leading the way as we walk through the deserted floor, finding ourselves in the morning chaos of New York.
"Have you signed up for your classes yet?" Harry asks as we walk through the sea of New Yorkers, his grip tightening on my hand instinctively as we walk close together, my free hand wrapped around his forearm now as well.
"Not yet, did you?" I ask, glancing up at him. His eyes dance around over the crowd, his advantages of being tall peeking through. Harry simply nods his head, a small smile forming on my lips. "Mr. responsible." I tease, Harry grinning as he shakes his head.
"I'll grab our drinks, yeah?" He mumbles as he opens the door of the café, nudging me in before him. I glance at him over my shoulder before nodding my head, wandering back to his usual table.
I sit quietly, my mind literally empty as I stare down at my fingertips that press against one another. My ring sits comfortably on my knuckle, a small sigh escaping my lips as I stare out the window, leaning my cheek in my palm as I wait for Harry.
I still feel guilty for snapping at him earlier, although I'm sure he's not thinking anything of it, I am. All he was doing was helping me and I was a brat. It's not fair that he has to deal with someone like me. Someone who can't understand their own feelings. Someone who can't move on from their mommy and daddy issues. It's just not fair.
"Sorry, she fucked it up." Harry mumbles as he sets my mug in front of me along with a plate with a cinnamon roll on it. I blink myself out of my thoughts as I straighten my posture, glancing at my latte that does look a little bit messy with the white foam spread around at the surface. But I don't mind, it'll taste the same as usual.
"Thank you." I mumble, tapping my fingers against the side of the warm mug. I can feel Harry staring at me, a small smile tugging the corners of my mouth as his feet tap the sides of my shoes. "You don't really tell me anything about your family." I mumble, glancing up at him. He furrows his eyebrows, his cute movements under the table stopping.
"Haven't got much of a family to talk to you about." He shrugs, nodding his head to my untouched food. "Eat." He instructs, a small sigh escaping my lips as I pick my fork up.
"I don't know anything, I only know a fraction of it all." I mutter, taking a small bite from the cinnamon roll. It's probably the best one I've ever had. "You don't talk to me about your parents or anything." I continue.
"Because I don't talk to them, my biological mother left me, my dad overdosed and my adoptive parents don't like me either." He states lowly, a small frown falling onto my lips as I stare at him. "Clover, I love you, but I'm not talking about this." He states.
"Sorry." I mumble quietly. Staring down at my latte that is half gone now, the dark ring around the top of the mug is messy and stained. "I just feel like it's always about me, and I'm tired of feeling like I'm annoying you with my first world problems." I explain.
"Baby, you're not annoying, and they definitely aren't first world problems." He answers, my eyes flickering up to meet his dark ones. "You're a lot more open than I am, and that's not a bad thing. It also doesn't mean I don't want to tell you, but you have to realize that it's not some cake walk for me to explain my feelings, it's hard and I'm not nearly as strong as you are." He continues, tapping my feet with his.
"Yes you are."
"No, I'm not." He whispers. "I can't talk about my past because I don't trust myself. I don't trust that I'll be able to stay away from drugs if I bring it all up again, I'm just not ready." He tells me. "When I am, you'll be the first person I go to." He adds, my heart pinching in my chest.
"I'm sorry." I mumble, Harry shaking his head at me, a small grin tugging at his lips as he stares at me.
"Why are you apologizing to me, sweetheart?" He asks. I shrug my shoulders, Harry watching me intently as I push my cinnamon roll around the plate, the icing hardening on the glass.
"For being difficult and for drinking last night, I know sometimes that can be triggering. I wasn't thinking and I was being super selfish—"
"Stop." Harry chuckles, my lips falling into a pout as he grins cheekily at me, obviously finding this situation amusing.
"Why are you laughing at me?" I frown, Harry's dimples sinking into his cheeks as he shakes his head, leaning against the table as his hands gently grasp my knees beneath the table, the gesture causing chills to run down my spine.
"I'm not laughing at you, you're just being cute. I'm not mad at you for drinking, it's nothing I can't handle. But I appreciate you being concerned." He tells me, my teeth sinking into my bottom lip as he sits back in his chair. "I find alcohol absolutely disgusting, it's hard to imagine I was addicted to it at one point." He continues.
"It is pretty disgusting." I laugh, Harry nodding his head as he glances up at the café door that swings open, his eyebrows furrowing deeply as his jaw sets to its clenched state. His change in mood causes me to turn around, finding Jessie already staring at us.
I immediately panic when Harry stands from the table roughly, my head snapping back over to look at him. The table moves unsteadily from his force, Harry seeming unbothered by it.
"Harry, sit down." I mutter, watching as he pulls a cigarette out from his pack before shoving it into his back pocket. I sigh and stand myself up instead, his hand guiding me by my lower back as he pushes me out of the café, Jessie's eyes following mine until they can't anymore.
"He's so fucking lucky." Harry grunts to himself, his hand sliding into mine as we walk towards my apartment again. I shake my head at his words, even though I know if given the chance, Harry would use Jessie as a punching bag.
"Stop it, we're fine." I mumble, the smoke from his cigarette floating up into the air around us as we walk. The air is slowly warming up and I find myself disappointed that I have to work in a couple of hours. "What are you doing for the rest of the day?" I ask, my building coming into view.
"Waiting for you to get off work." He shrugs, a small laugh escaping my lips as he smirks, pleased with himself.
"Maybe you could clean your car or something." I suggest, Harry and I walking into the lobby of my apartment, wandering towards the elevator. "Or you could come later?" I ask, Harry sighing as we wait for the doors to open for us.
"I'll figure something out, when are you off?" He questions, his hands landing on my ass as he guides me into the elevator. He squeezes my ass through the sweatpants causing me to squirm, his hands reaching around to my front as a way to keep me pressed against him.
"Six." I laugh, leaning my head against his shoulder, staring up at him. His sharp jaw line never stops being something I love staring at. It suits him so nicely. The elevator doors open to my floor, Harry following me out.
"You can't get off any earlier?" He pouts, a small smile playing on my lips as we approach my door. My eyes widen when Harry presses my back against the wood, his hands gripping my waist as he shoves his lips against mine.
"Earlier as in when?" I question between kisses, slightly taken back by his sudden eagerness. Harry sighs against my lips, his tongue gliding over my bottom lip causing me to part my lips for him.
"Mm as in you taking the day off?" He mumbles lowly, pulling away to allow me to unlock my door. I shake my head, tossing my keys on my counter as Harry closes the door behind us. "I'm sure it can't be that busy on a Thursday." He states, walking towards me.
"I can't just take the day off because you asked me to." I tell him, watching as he rolls his eyes, letting out an unpleased huff.
"Okay well I'll pick you up at six." He mumbles, reaching forward to grab my hands, pulling me towards him as he pushes his lips against mine.
"Six it is." I breathe, Harry nodding his head before leaving a final kiss on my lips and then my cheek, followed by my lips again before he pulls away fully. "Drive safe." I tell him, his eyes rolling playfully as he nods.
"I'll see. I love you." He calls, the door of my apartment closing, stealing the last view of him. My heart aches in my chest as I sigh, turning around and walking off to my bedroom.
—
Happy update. Here's just a sweet filler for you guys, I promise everything will pick up in no time.
Much love
~C