A/N: Hello all! Happy Valentine's Day. I hope you are all getting love today.
I am sorry for the hiatus, but we are getting close to the end of the manga now. I have mixed feelings, but I feel we are getting close to the origin of Historia's pregnancy. This fanfic can finally get rolling.
In the meantime, I have a new RivaHisu fanfic called Wilted Rose. It's an AU aot fanfiction. Levi is a hitman hired to kill Hisu, who is a fun-loving college student (think Legally Blonde), and, well, sparks fly...
Historia's pining is heartbreaking. I hope you are all prepared. Break-ups suck (even though they never broke-up).
Song inspired for this chapter: Lately by Samatha Mumba. This song kept getting stuck in my head when writing this. Its fits so well. A song about a woman missing her man who has gone away for a while...
I waited hours for his return. Just by the off chance that we were mistaken, and the commander-in-chief didn't mean to separate us.
I was sure that I would see the white shining coat of Silver riding over the hills, and then his sullen face would reappear like a mirage.
But he didn't return. Not even when the stars came out and the moon had taken the place of the sun, Levi did not show his face. And now life at the farm has become cold once again.
The nannies had to coax me back into the house with the promise of a hot bath in the end, and I cried all night in that boiling tub until the water turned cold. Not even the relaxing salts could mend my broken heart as my knight has left me forever, and I yearn for the day I can look into those sharp grey eyes again.
The nannies have taken over the orphanage while I mourn like a pathetic brat, just as Levi would say. I don't leave my room, I don't even eat anymore, and the nannies have started bringing my meals up to me.
The food remains untouched. Food has lost all its splendour now, except for tea—black tea to be precise, just as Levi always liked. I drink from his old cup with the chipped rim, guarding it like an aggressive terrier guards its bowl. I almost blew a fuse when one of the nannies tried to wash the last of him away. After all, his lips had been the last to touch that chipped porcelain, and no one will take what little I have left of him.
Sure, it's dried spittle, but who cares. It's Levi's dried spittle, now mingled with mine, and I'm so disgusting.
That's what Levi would call me, disgusting, and once again he fills my mind.
I lay curled up on my bed, hugging one of his stupid cravats. Since he had to leave in a rush, he never got a chance to pack his things. I expected he would have sent for them, but he never did.
So I guess all his stuff is mine now, sitting inside a trunk at the foot of my bed. Everything is as he left it. His clothes are still neatly folded and labelled according to their function: civilian clothes vs military attire.
The cravat soaks up my tears as I cry into the material, absorbing the last of his scent.
It still smells of him, and for a moment I close my eyes, trying to pretend he's still beside me.
He always smelled so good, like peppermint and cedar. Even of a morning, he always looked so fresh, while I would have foul morning breath, and he really is perfect.
Not a single flaw in sight.
I've been through this before, right after Ymir left, but at least I had the chance to mourn this time. When my surly friend left my life, I wanted to lock myself in a room for days, weeks even, but I couldn't because the Scouts were on the move.
Eren and I had to lay low, protected by none other than... Levi Squad. And once again, the captain's sour expression fills my mind.
He may have been a sour puss, but he was my sour puss, and now... he's gone.
Yet at least I will see him again. Someday. At the next state meeting, or in our shared Path.
I've not been able to venture back there since we pressed our foreheads together.
That was how Frieda used to take my memories away back when she used to visit me at the farm, but it was slightly different with Levi. We didn't go to our Path until we pulled apart.
So, what does it mean? I can only enter the Path unless I separate myself from Levi? But that means he would have to be here with me right now just so we could pull our heads apart, and great.
I guess this is what they call a Catch 22.
Looks like Levi and I really never will see each other again. Well, not until the next state meeting...
I just hope I get to see him before he's called to war. If anything happens to him, and I never get the chance to even say goodbye... I will fall apart.
The children play outside and not even the sweet sound of their laughter can soothe me now. The only sound I want is the sound of Levi's baritone voice whispering sweet nothings into my ear, or the sound of him admonishing me for daring to be such a mess.
I haven't bathed in a week after all.
The sheets haven't been changed either. The night before he left, Levi had stayed in my bed with me, and the scent of our sex still lingers as I think back to our last stolen moments together.
With a heavy sigh, I roll around and place my fingers against his pillow, and the indentation of his head still lingers. His warmth has long since faded, but at times I can still see him sleeping beside me, looking like an angel again.
Yeah, Levi sleeps like an angel. Go fig. I often wonder if he knew that I watched him sleep sometimes in those rare moments where I would rouse before him. His mouth would curve slightly at the corners, and I think he was on to me.
It's a longshot, but I pluck a strand of black hair from his pillow and press it to my forehead, yet nothing happens. No beautiful field of poppies or endless blue skies, just the boring four walls of my bedroom.
I place the strand back onto the pillow, heaving another sigh. That's when I hear a creak outside the door, rolling my eyes.
"I said I wanted to be alone. Please..." I add, trying not to sound too rude.
The person doesn't leave, so I rise from my bed, looking at the door. Through the gap beneath, I see a shadow—a small shadow. Next, there comes the sound of a childish, squeaky breath, and my heart goes.
It's... one of the Children...
Before my mind can process what's happening, a piece of paper slips through the door, and now the child makes a quick break for it, leaving me alone at last.
My lip shakes.
Tilly...
She must be mourning for Levi too. She was much closer to him than she was with me after all, and at times I think she's still nervous of me. She will speak to me, but she's only ever formal. In fact, out of all the kids, she's the only one who will use my honorific "Your Majesty". Yet she always smiled with Levi, reading to him by the tree at the end of the yard, and in those rare moments, I would catch them hugging.
My heart plummets.
If only Levi could see that he was a father all along. A father to Tilly.
Poor thing. She must be missing him.
I climb out of bed and pad towards the door in my bare feet, picking up her drawing, and a sob catches in my throat.
It's a picture of me, sad and dejected as my angel wings have been clipped, and I press the drawing to my chest, crying against the door.
"L-Levi..."
My soft voice echoes back to me in the cold room, and I just want him back.
"I... miss you..."
Yet nothing. No reply and now I press my forehead to the door, falling into another pit of despair.
So pathetic.
...
By the tenth day of Levi's departure, the nannies call me into the kitchen.
I trudge into the room, meeting the five women at the table. They vary in age from nineteen to seventy-six. The youngest is Bethany, a perky blonde with the shrillest of laughs. Then there's Ruth, a stern older lady of fifty who always seems to have her mouth pressed into a line. Then there's Louisa, an attractive dark blonde woman of thirty; Claudia, a smiley, thin woman in her forties, and finally, Muriel; a sweet old lady at the age of seventy-six.
There's tea brewing in a pot as I take my seat, pouring myself a cup. They've even baked me biscuits, but I don't take one. I'm not hungry.
Claudia pushes the plate towards me, prompting me to take a biscuit. "Have a biscuit, Your Majesty."
I meet the woman's twinkling brown eyes and help myself, and now they watch expectantly as I take a small bite. I become self-conscious, thinking I've got crumbs on my face. "What is it?" I ask, wiping my mouth.
Claudia laughs, a sweet, pleasant sound. "Nothing, Your Grace. We just want to see how you're holding up. Is everything all right? You've barely left your room since the captain left. The children miss you."
A breath lodges in my throat when she mentions the captain, and now the waterworks make their ugly appearance. Great. Now I'm crying like a big baby in front of the nannies. They've already got enough children to take care of; they don't need another.
Ruth whacks Claudia's shoulder. "Now look what you've gone and done. You've made Her Majesty cry."
Poor Claudia wobbles her lip, and now she looks as if she's about to cry herself. "Oh, Your Grace... I'm so sorry..."
I shake my head, trying to show her that I'm okay. "No... it's fine... it's just... I... I miss him so much..."
I toss my half-eaten biscuit back onto the plate and cry into my hands. My muffled sobs echo through the room. Somewhere, I hear Levi muttering "tch" in disgust, and I know what he would say right now if he were here: "Pull yourself together. You're a soldier. Soldiers don't cry..."
Well, I'm an ex-soldier, but the sentiment is still the same. I shouldn't cry. I'm the queen of the walls, and I need to keep it together and stay strong.
I need to be everyone's source of inspiration. Tough times are ahead. Sooner or later, we will go to war with Marely once their fight with the East Allied Forces is over.
Claudia rises from her seat and comes to my end of the table, and now she wraps her arms around me. She's not the only one. One by one, each nanny joins the first as they take time to reassure me, and I thank the gods for these women.
At least I'm not alone, even if the captain has gone.
"There, there, Historia... it's okay. Here, here's a hanky..."
Claudia passes me a frilly pink handkerchief, and I blow my nose into the material. She's definitely the sweetest, while Ruth is the firmest, but even she right now offers me condolences.
Muriel is like the grandma I never had. She's always knitting me things, from mittens, scarves, and even a tea cosy, and the children love her.
The two youngest, Bethany and Louisa, couldn't be more different. While Beth is outspoken, Louisa is quiet and reflective, and they really do balance each other out.
I blow the remnants of my bunged-up nose into Claudia's handkerchief and wipe my eyes, looking at each of them. It's only just occurred to me that Claudia called me Historia instead of my usual honorific, and I'm grateful.
"Thank you... All of you. Without the five of you, I'd be completely lost. This is a big orphanage with fifteen little mouths to feed. I can't run it by myself. So I promise... from now on, I will get out of bed each morning. I will eat my breakfast and see to the—"
Ruth holds up a hand and I close my mouth. She always looks so severe, and I swear she could give Levi's seriousness a run for his money. The children are scared of her.
"Hold on. We're not here to force you to do anything, Your Majesty. We were just worried, that's all."
I blink. "You... you were?"
"Of course!" Claudia pipes. "There's no rush. Take all the time you need. After all, it's not just you who misses him..."
My eyes widen. "It's... not...?"
"No, silly," Claudia continues, retaking her seat, and the others follow her example. "It was nice having a man around the house for a change."
"Yeah," Louisa sighs. "And what a man indeed. I know he wasn't much height-wise, but for him, I'd have made an exception..."
The others murmur in agreement, and I have no idea what's happening. They all miss Levi? That short, sour-faced man? Nonsense.
Wait... do other women see what I see? I just thought it was a case of love is blind, but is Levi a catch? My old ladies-in-waiting did always admire him too, but that was only because he was famous. They never really tried to get to know the real Levi.
"He was so strong, opening all the jars in the kitchen..." Claudia chimes.
"And he admired my fine knitting too," Muriel adds, and seriously, Levi and knitting? Although his teapot always did have a nice tea cosy...
"He was good with the kids too. Especially Tilly..." Louisa admires.
"Plus, he has a cute butt!" Bethany proclaims, and the ladies laugh.
Ruth doesn't look amused as she scowls at the young girl, and Beth zips her mouth shut. Now the stern woman looks at me. "So, you see, Your Majesty, it's not just you. We all miss Captain Levi."
"But unfortunately, war called him home once again..." Claudia trails off, and all five women stare off into the distance.
Again, I'm confused. They all look smitten as they think of my grumpy lover. I suppose Levi is the type of person you warm to after you get to know him, but it looks as if I may have some competition.
Louisa and Bethany are quite beautiful, and Louisa just happens to be the right age for Levi, but she's taller than the both of us at five foot five.
"Well, he is a war hero after all," Louisa says dreamily, and I guess I should be worried.
But I know I'm the only woman for Levi, as he is the only man for me. I would never trade him in for another.
Not even a young, handsome man my own age. I met that young, handsome man once, and he ended up trying to kill me. Then he was hanged for his crime.
Silence falls over the kitchen, and now I take a sip of my tea. These women all know that Levi and I are in a secret relationship; they figured it out even before we did, and they have never told a soul. In fact, they've been a big help.
When the MPs came snooping around, they kept their lips sealed. They never even told them about the man who'd come to the orphanage to kill me months back as his body still lies out there in the lake, and I shiver at the memory.
I definitely hired some killer ladies, and they will help me through the coming months.
I will need the support after all.
I place my cup down and say the next things on my mind. "Do... do you think he will be okay? When war comes?"
They all stop, deliberating what I say. Ruth is the first to speak, "That man has battled monsters larger than life itself. Do you really think a bunch of humans across the ocean have anything on him, Your Grace?"
Her words shock me, and I glance down at the wood grains of the table, cursing myself for ever doubting Levi. "No... you're right. It was a silly question..."
Another silent beat passes over the table. The children can be heard outside, and I release a melancholy sigh. God bless the miracle of children indeed. Even as war rages on, they still remain so pure and ignorant.
And I'll ensure they stay that way. Some of those children have seen enough already. A few of them lost their parents to the titans over four years ago. They've seen hell, literally.
Claudia looks up and grins. "He will come back, Your Grace, and we will be waiting right along with you when he finally returns..."
She winks at me, taking a gentle sip of her cup, and now we all finish our tea in silence. I soon return to my room. They insisted since I still have some mourning to do. So I lock the door behind me, lying down on my bed.
I know they're right. Levi will come back one day, and he will survive the war. I just wish I could see him again, feel him, touch him, kiss him...
I soon drift off with his cravat pressed close to my nose, and his strong, masculine scent invades my imagination as I disappear into dreamland.
Hopefully, Levi will join me too.
A/N: I hope you enjoyed. I never gave Historias nannies names or ages in HMKnight, but I finally did now. I hope you all like them.
See you next time. Hopefully, we will find out what is going on with Historia very soon.
TheCartoonPrincessSigningOff.