After my CT, I'm wheeled back into my room and the doctor comes in shortly after. Connor's sitting right next to me, squeezing my good hand tightly.
"Well," He says, flipping through my scans before looking up at me with a smile. "There seems to be absolutely no signs of any damage to your brain or skull by the crash. These are perfectly clean scans."
"Wow, that's amazing," I say excitedly. "Is there a reason I fell into a coma?"
"We think it has to do with the trauma your head endured from the crash. All the swelling that we initially observed went down which is great," He explains. "How are you feeling otherwise? Any headaches? Blurry vision? Dulled senses?"
I shake my head. "No, nothing. It was a bit weird coming back into it after the coma, but I feel fine now aside for the rib and hand pain."
"You seemed to be about the luckiest girl I have ever met. You have really escaped this crash virtually unscathed," He tells me. "I'd like to keep you for observation for the next two days, just in case any symptoms pop up, but if all is well, I don't see why you can't be released after."
He explains a few other things to us and then leaves us be. Connor turns to me and his excitement is undeniably visible. "Babe!" He exclaims, placing a hand on my cheek. "You're going to be okay. Wow, you're going to be okay."
I place my hand on top of his and lean into his touch. "I love you," I say to him, feeling the guilt of the last few weeks pile up quickly. "I know that we fought and that I've been awful to you and kept you confused and alone. And I'm sorry for that, Connor. I'm so so sorry-"
"Jo," He starts, but I don't let him finish. Fuck the coma, I need to apologize.
"No, don't make excuses for my behavior because of this crash. It wasn't right how I treated you. You have been nothing but kind and patient and understanding, and lately, I've been unfair to you, but the truth is that I'm confused, Con," I tell him. "I'm confused about my feelings and what I want to do moving forward."
He's taken aback, even though I've expressed it to him before. It's harder to hear in person, I guess. "Babe, I really don't know what to say anymore. You had to deal with a lot these past few weeks. I completely understand that and I understand it's tough to figure out your feelings because Greyson was such a big part of your life, but what about me? Am I not enough for you?"
"No, you are more than enough. You are everything I have ever wanted which is why I'm confused, okay? He left me with no explanation, broke me into pieces, and now he's back in my life with a book about how much he loves me and how he didn't want to leave me."
"A book?" Connor asks.
And then it hits me. I never told him about the book. Through everything that happened, I never told him about that goddamn book. Fuck.
"He wrote a book about me, about our relationship," I say hesitantly. "And in it, he explained that he didn't want to leave me, that he had to do it to protect me from his abusive father."
Connor looks at me, a mixture of confusion and hurt on his face. "And you didn't think to tell me this? We've been together six years and you didn't tell me about something as big as this?"
"I know, Con. I'm so sorry, it honestly was just so confusing for me to think about. Finding out that the whole story I had made up in my head about why he left and our relationship wasn't true -- it's weird, okay? It fucked with my head so bad," I explain. "But that's not an excuse, I should have told you."
"I-I don't really know what to say. This is just a lot to process," He says. Connor can't even get mad. He looks so soft as he speaks, every part of him softens from his eyes to his shoulders. He can't even get mad at me, even when I deserve to be screamed at. "Does this change things for you? Do you want to be with him now?"
"I-no," My hesitation is enough because I watch him sit there devastatingly heartbroken. "No, Connor. I love you. Please understand that I love you. It's not that I don't love you."
"Then what is it? Because right now it sounds like you're trying to tell me you want to be with him."
"I don't," I say firmly. "I want to be with you. I want our house by the beach in San Diego and mornings in bed with you. I want all that still, I do. Please believe me. I'm just-I'm confused because it feels like a part of me is being tugged towards Greyson and it's not anything I can help. I just feel like I'm being pulled in both directions and I don't understand why."
I'm flustered and feel like I'm rambling, and I realize I haven't looked at Connor for a minute. I look at him and I wish I didn't. He looks so helpless sitting there, so sad, so confused. And I made him all of those things. After everything he has done for me, this is what I've given him in return.
"Connor?" I ask softly since he's been silent for so long.
He gets up and rubs the back of his neck -- his nervous tick. "I need a minute."
He starts to leave the room. "Con."
"Just a minute, Joey. Please."
When he leaves the room, I can't help but sit back and hate myself.
Hate myself for being this way. Hate myself for feeling what I feel for Greyson again. Hate myself for being unable to make up my mind. Hate myself for being indecisive and stupid. Hate myself for hurting Connor. Hate myself for turning back into the old Jo, the one I worked so hard to leave behind.
I feel like I'm sixteen years old again, making stupid decisions and hurting everyone around me like I used to. Sometimes I think people are better off without me.
I hear my phone buzz and turn to see it's finally fully charged. I look up at the door but fail to see Connor anywhere in sight. I sigh and pick up my phone, scrolling through my missed notifications. I see some from my mom, Ronnie, Carlos, Rose Fitzgerald and then all the way at the bottom is a voicemail from Greyson. From the night of my crash.
My screen is all busted up from the crash so I have to play the voicemail aloud.
"Jo, you're right, okay? I am a coward. I should have never left you and there hasn't been a day since that I haven't regretted it. I never stopped thinking about you and ever since you came here, you are all I think about. I-I missed you. I missed you so fucking much and I'm so sorry for hurting you and for writing that book and for pulling and playing with your emotions, but the truth is I love you. I love you and I never stopped loving you. From the moment I met you nine years ago, I fell in love you and I know that I'm engaged and you have a boyfriend, but I can't help what I feel. I-I still love you and that scares the fuck out of me and I don't know what to do about it and I think that you feel the same way and-Jo!"
He screams my name and his voicemail ends abruptly.
"He was the one that pulled you from the crash," I look up and see Connor standing at the door.
"Please tell me you didn't just hear that voicemail," I say, but from the look on his face, I already know that he heard it. All of it.
"I was wondering why he was there at the right time, then I realized he must have been at your gallery show. That you two must have been together before you got in the taxi."
"No, Connor. It's not what it sounds like. Not at all. Nothing happened between us," I say quickly. "Nothing happened. We just had a fight and I got in the taxi and left."
He looks at me and his eyes are despondent. He's defeated. "I can't do this anymore, Jo. This whole back and forth saga of trying to figure out whether you want to be with him. I-I can't. That voicemail-" He swallows hard, like he's trying not to throw up. "He clearly still wants to be with you and from what it sounded like, you must have said something to make him believe you want to be with him too."
"No, Connor. Please don't do this," My voice becomes panicked and my heart starts to race even faster. I feel the tears fall from my eyes and watch them well up in his.
This can't be happening. No, no no. He can't leave me. He can't. I love him. No, God please, no.
"For six years, I have done nothing but be faithful and honest and real with you, Joey. I've helped you through all of your trauma, some of it that he caused. I have loved with you with every single ounce of my being because how could I not? You're-you're everything I have ever wanted," He says, still standing distanced from me in the room, the tears beginning to fall from his eyes as well. "You are driven, and intelligent, and so kind-hearted, and you expect so much from yourself and I love you. Every part of you. Even when your cranky and selfish and self-destructive. God, I still fucking love you then because-because that's what you do when you're in love."
I watch him get visibly choked up and he looks away, like he's pulling himself back together. When his eyes meet mine again, the tears are less visible. "But I can't do this one-sided love thing. I can't sit around waiting for you to decide if you love me enough to marry me or choose me over Greyson."
"I'm not choosing him. Connor, please just wait a second. Let me talk through this with you," I plead with him because the look he's giving me -- it's final. He's done.
I've truly broken him.
He walks towards the chair and grabs his stuff. "Jo, I can't wait anymore. All I've done is wait and I've been fine up until this point, but thinking about him and you, that's it for me."
I sit up in a hurry, and it makes me a little dizzy. I wipe away my tears as quickly as they fall. "Connor, baby. Please don't leave. Please, please," I'm a mess. I'm begging, pleading, crying. I just want him to stay.
"I love you, okay? But you just-you need to take some time for yourself and I need to take myself out of the equation."
"For how long, Con? Forever?"
He's holding his jacket in his hand and his eyes drop to the floor. "I don't know."
"Con," I say softly, my lip quivering and my face stained with tears. "Please don't leave me."
"It feels like you're the one that left, Joey and you can't even see it." He turns away and leaves, despite my begging and my tears and sobs.
And I finally realize that all these feelings that I hid and pushed away and buried deep down inside of me; they all came back to bite me. It seems I pushed them down for so long, that I also pushed Connor away in the process.
Sometimes you push people off the edge of the cliff and wonder why they fell.
I have dealt with a lot of pain in my life, but nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, compares to this. Not my parents' neglect, not Logan's punches, not the betrayal I've faced, not even Greyson leaving me. No. None of it felt as bad as this.
It feels like a part of my soul has just been ripped away and I'm no longer sure I can get it back.
* * * * *
damn.
han