But I knew what I was doing. I had thought about it well before I sounded it out to the others. Even with the medications, I had become just like Dad. There was no telling to that and my mom knew that but she wouldn't admit to it.
My body stiffened as my eyes gradually opened to the curtains which were dragged so that some light could focus into the room. I mentally shook my head at the thought of how enormous amount of light always meant the hospital to me. I turned to find aunt Kate, my chest feeling heavy as I did that.
She drew the stool close and sat on it.
"You can as well cuff my hands so I won't leave," I deadpanned, my voice coming out a bit lower than I expected.
"I'm here to make sure you change your mind," she answered and I only scoffed at her response.
I'd like to see you try.
"You are to get worked up for surgery Raine," she explained and I studied her face to see if she was just bluffing. But she wasn't.
"Y'all do what you want with me," I turned away from her.
Silence
"Your father was the only family I had left before you all came along," she started. "And when I lost him to cancer, I was shook Raine, it was unbearable." I closed my eyes as she spoke.
"I loved my brother very much yes, but for your mom, his death made it difficult to live. Like a part of her was snatched away from her." She continued with a sigh.
"You know how your mother had to pawn out all of the tangible things to her name just so that your father could get the right treatment."
I recoiled in remembrance wondering why aunt Kate had to bring such memories of the past into the present.
"What you didn't know was how she suffered a miscarriage in the middle of all that stress." She informed me. I slowly turned to her to completely face her, the tears welled up in the corner of her eyes now streaming down her plump cheeks.
"Mom was going to have another child?" I asked her and she nodded to that.
"I never knew," I whispered, a mix of shock and sorrow coloring my voice. The weight of the new information settled in the room, leaving behind a palpable tension.
Aunt Kate continued, her voice heavy with emotion, "Your mom has sacrificed so much, Raine. The stress, the loss-it changed her. You and Gianna are the only thing that keeps her going."
My gaze shifted to the floor as I processed everything, the room feeling heavy with unspoken history.
"But why didn't she tell me?" I finally asked, the words escaping in a hushed tone.
Aunt Kate sighed, her eyes reflecting a mix of regret and concern, "Your mom wanted to protect you. We were desperate, Raine. Desperate not to lose you like we lost your father."
My face hardened. "I'm not Dad. I'm not going to just fade away. I had my reasons for not wanting the surgery."
Aunt Kate reached out, placing a gentle hand on Raine's shoulder. "I understand you're scared, Raine. But think about what would happen to your mom if she lost you without the surgery. She'd lose it."
With a heavy sigh, I cleared my throat and wiped the tears in my eyes. "If that's what she wants, I'll do it."
Aunt Kate's face seemed to lighten up at my statement. She nodded her head repeatedly as she held on tight to my hand.
We walked into a local restaurant in the middle of the hospital neighborhood because aunt Kate offered to stay with Gianna while mom and I went for a dinner. The red and white checkers wallpaper and floor carpet blinded me with the amount of light that struck in my eyes.
Mom helped me as I took the steps towards our seat.
"I have a bad feeling about this," mom sighed as she looked around before turning to me.
"Too late, we can't go back. It's just one meal Mom, you deserve a time out." I encouraged her as she helped me on the chair, my legs feeble as she did.
As my mom picked up the menu, my gaze shifted to her hair which had started to grey, the wrinkles surrounding her eyes becoming even more prominent over the days. A new emotion washed over my body as I stared at my mom.
How much she's had to fold in her emotions, how many times she's had the thought of letting it all go.
"You didn't bring me here to watch me eat?" She started, her gaze flickering to my plate of chicken nuggets which I had stabbed with my fork repeatedly.
"Have-" I paused, the words not getting beyond my tongue while she widened her eyes in anticipation of what's to come.
"Have you ever thought of giving it all up?"
My mom smiled gently, her eyes reflecting a deep sense of optimism as she looked back at me.
"Sweetheart, life throws curveballs at us, maybe it's unfair sometimes. Yeah, but giving up on you and Gianna is a thought that's never crossed my mind."
"Isn't it better to accept defeat sometimes than to keep on pushing the currents?" I asked her.
She reached out, placing a reassuring hand on my shoulder. "We've come so far, and I know there's still so much ahead for us."
"I watched Dad's dreams get shattered, hopes dashed, and the more we fought, the more it felt like the entire universe is just determined to wear us down."
"Your Dad's journey was rough, we all know that. It doesn't mean that yours has to end the same way. You have the opportunity to love, have friends and live Raine. I think you should take that."
I only shook my head at her statement, resonating with that opinion. I looked back in my plate and grabbed the first piece of my nugget. I looked back to mom and smiled as I ate.
I was torn between the past and an uncertain future but I was ready to do what they were asking. It felt like if doing it made her happy, then there was nothing more to think.
"We better get back to Gianna at the hospital." Mom's gaze shifted to her watch as she pocketed in her scrubs. I nodded my head and processed myself standing, my eyesight blurring for no reason.
"Raine?" My mom called and her call seemed to ring in my head enough to bring me back into my consciousness.
"I cannot feel my legs," I mumbled as I waved both arms in the air, scratching my eye muscles so I could see better. But it didn't work.
My mom caught my body before I went down to my dancing knees. I shook my head as I felt my body shift into a mind of its own. One that I had no control over.
"Lorraine!"
As I heard my mom shout my name one more time before drifting into nothingness. I nodded my head in agreement.
What a time to be alive.
Dec 4th