The greatest loves of all time are over now. This is the only thought crossing Anastasia's mind. The rest is blank, or more exactly dark like her clothes. There is nothing else. She has been emptied of everything with all the tears she has shed yesterday and the events that have torn parts of her away.
Now, her eyes are dry, and she is standing like an empty shell, yet it doesn't mean the pain has faded; it is impregnating deeper.
Her unfocused gaze is glancing over the perfectly-aligned rows of gray granite, which are only lighted up with a few blossoms of color here and there, as even the weather is mourning today. However, she seems to always come back to the same gray stone, maybe because this is where all the people are gathered, while she is staying in her corner, or maybe because of the red roses making the grave stand out among the gloomy surroundings. The vivid color is offering a glimpse of what that great love must have been, and with that, Anastasia goes back to her only thought.
The flowers look almost hypnotizing. They are echoing the feelings she has experienced, and despite how much she is trying to lie to herself, the feelings that are still consuming her inside the emptiness.
She doesn't dare to walk closer though. It could look like she is hiding as she is leaning against the large trunk of what must be an elm, but she just wants to let the people mourn over their loss, and not spoil this moment with her pain.
Her thoughts are going to this man and his wife, of course. But as she watches the people honoring their memory, she knows that at least, Mr. and Mrs. Carter have got a beautiful and long life full of happiness, true love, and freedom. Not everyone is as lucky, and in her corner, Anastasia is grieving over the innocent lives that will never even get a place like this to rest.
Alex is surely better wherever he is because he is with his love.
The greatest love of all time is over now. Anastasia is gripping her compass pendant with that same thought. She should have taken it off; that's what she has intended to yesterday, but Fergus has interrupted them.
Now, she can't bring herself to take it off. This is the only piece she has left of her heart. She is so lost, and through the empty shell, this compass is giving her one last point of reference. It reminds her that she isn't crazy, that Nathaniel has been more than just a cold stranger, even if it feels like a hazy dream.
She doesn't even dare to wonder if he is still wearing his. She can't bear to picture him moving on with his life like nothing has ever happened, yet she would also never wish him to go through as much pain as she is. The first is most likely for him, though. He will become the strong and perfect Captain Johnson again, like he has already acted yesterday.
His cold tone is coming back to haunt her in the emptiness of her chest, and it is in his voice that she hears her only thought replaying. The greatest loves of all time are over now. Although it doesn't echo with the same smoothness as the sweet nothings and 'je t'aime' he has murmured to her.
Has it even been love? She believes he has meant the words he has said, but maybe his love hasn't been strong enough. He thinks he is protecting her, that it is for the better, but it isn't. She has been terrified too when the Forces of Arrest have barged in the celebration. Her biggest fear is for Nathaniel to be hurt, and she doesn't want him to ever risk his life. Yet in the paradox of it all, she also has wanted him to fight for them, maybe fight safely, as impossible as it seems.
She still doesn't know exactly what she has hoped for yesterday, but she certainly hasn't wished for their 'let it be' to end that way, or any other way actually. All he has had to do has been to not throw it all away, when she has been fighting with all her heart.
Maybe she should have let him hear her heart? If she had said 'I love you', would it have changed something? She doubts it, seeing the way he has watched her fall apart before his eyes without even flinching.
He has sworn to not let anyone hurt her, and he has broken his promise along with her heart. Does he even love her, then? When he has given up so easily? While her love for him is strong enough to move mountains, and now, she is left crushed under its strength.
Maybe they are just too different...
"Anastasia?" A soft voice pulls her out of her torturing thoughts, and she turns to meet the woman who has joined her by the tree.
"I offer you my sincere condolences," Anastasia immediately says as she crosses the dark and watery eyes.
Rose Carter, Mr. and Mrs. Carter's daughter, Anastasia has met her a few times when she has been visiting her parents, and even if she didn't know her, it would be easy to guess, as she has the same eyes as her father, and she is the spitting image of her mother, with fewer wrinkles, of course.
"Thank you," Rose replies with a smile that doesn't reach her eyes. "At least, now he's where he wished to be."
Somewhere beyond the dark clouds, judging by Rose's glance up at the sky as she is imagining where he must be, though as Anastasia follows her gaze, she can only see the impending storm that may not wait until the end of the ceremony.
"But before he left, he wanted me to give you this."
"Me?!" Anastasia gasps before even knowing what it is, and she does it again when she catches sight of the white envelope Rose is pulling out of her black bag. "Are you sur–"
"Yes, yes, my dad always knew was he was doing." Rose smiles, this time more truthfully as if remembering memories.
The memories are replaying in Anastasia's head too, but it draws out a frown on her face, especially as she recalls the last time she has seen him. She has been with Nathaniel, and Mr. Carter – Alex, like he has wanted to be called – has caught instantly what there has been between Nathaniel and her. He has acted like he had known so much more... He hasn't replied to her 'see you soon', and he has given them the blank-covered book that has made her realize so many things, things which Alex has already known.
She is sure that whatever is in this simple envelope has an important meaning too, and that's why her hands are shaking as she takes it.
"Um, I have to go back." Rose nods to the group of people that is starting to scatter near the grave, bringing Anastasia back to the time and place as she offers her a small smile and a 'thank you' in return.
For an instant, she has forgotten where they are. She hasn't been in that morose cemetery, but somewhere lost in the memories of that day, replaying everything that has been said like it could be a clue, when all she has to do is opening the envelope to find out. Why is it so hard? Maybe because that day brings her back to Nathaniel.
At the time, she has been fighting what they have had, and she can't think of all the way they have come to end up like that. Nothing much has changed; she is still fighting, although it is against her broken heart.
Now, she is even battling against her trembling fingers to bring herself to open the envelope as her deep frown and focused gaze don't give her more information. There is nothing written on the white paper, and from the light weight of it, it must not contain more than a piece of paper. But she can't guess anything else, except for the gut feeling that it is linked to Nathaniel, to love...
As if echoing the word, a thunderclap is rumbling right at this instant to pull her out of her paralyzed stare and urge her on.
A storm is coming, and the rain will soon follow. So also sensing she will lose her courage if she waits too much, she rushes her fingers to open the envelope. Yet what she doesn't expect is for the tempest to happen so soon, and inside her chest, when she uncovers a single piece of paper.
'Fight for it', three words in a slanted handwriting, there is nothing else on the white square of paper, and yet it is enough to instantly revive her pain, the agonizing blaze as consuming and burning as yesterday. Alex has definitely known.
But she has fought with all her strength. It isn't to her that he should have written those words. She can't fight alone. She has tried, and it has been useless. It hasn't changed anything; it may have even worsened everything. In the end, she has her heart broken, and lives are still taken away.
The cries – the innocent young people's and hers – the armored tanks taking them away, and Nathaniel's own ironclad shield... it is all coming back to haunt her with a fiery surge of tears behind her eyes. Though nothing comes out, and it is even more distressing, building an excruciating pressure inside her empty shell from her tight throat to her constricted chest and throbbing head.
If those three words are only bringing empty echoes and torturous images, why even give her this? She is already putting the piece of paper away when she catches sight of something as striking on the other side, yet this time, her breath is caught by the utmost and colorful contrast with the white paper.
Alex has indeed always known.
It is a simple polaroid of a couple. She has already glimpsed this picture in Mr. and Mrs. Carter's house, and from the way the two young people are staring into each other's souls and emanating love, her heart recognizes them instantly in a strong skip echoing against her pendant.
The small picture speaks more than a thousand words, and it's translating so many emotions. Anastasia knows these emotions, these feelings because that's exactly what she has felt every time in the treehouse with Nathaniel. This is freedom. This is love.
Fight for it, as painful as it is, it all lights up inside her head like the lightning in the dark sky, and she isn't sure if the roar following is from the thunder or just her heart.
Fight for it, she tightens her grip around her compass pendant as her fingers are itching to reach for her phone, her whole body aching to hear his soothing voice and his words of encouragement, but she can't. She has already been staring at her phone too much in the last 24 hours, and her calls would only lead her to Nathaniel's voicemail or to his cold tone.
It is over for them. She puts her phone away, which her hand has grabbed faster than she has realized, her thumb already hovering over the call button, and instead, she lets her fingers brush the picture in her other hand, the strong thumps of her heart against her pendant giving her a new direction.
If she has to fight a wall, she has to choose her battle.
"Ana?"
The call of her name makes her jump as high as if she was stricken by lightning, and actually, her heart rate is more erratic as her little brother appears beside her.
"The parents are looking for you. Mom is worried." Archie's voice is more careful than usual, and she doesn't dare to look into his eyes.
She can't imagine what he is thinking of her. She must have looked crazy and desperate as she has been lost in a dilemma in front of her phone and a small piece of paper, though that's what she is, both.
"I'm fine."
Another lie added to her long list, it is almost a reflex by now, even if this one doesn't sound convincing, judging by Archie's cautious sideways glances at her as they walk up the alley surrounded by similar-looking graves, and she is just glad he doesn't raise.
He is smart, and he proves it once more when he offers her a wicked smirk. "You know... I've been thinking... since you didn't come in the Pendulum ride yesterday, you owe me now."
"What will you torture me with this time?" She shakes her head, seizing the distraction like a rope before spiraling down the memories of yesterday.
"Well, there's this 'brothers match' tomorrow with the team, where we can bring our brothers or friends to play, so I was thinking we could invite Nate."
The rope hasn't been secured finally, and it's her heart that suffers the harsh fall.
Archie may be smart, but he is still clueless about some things; she can see it in his frown as he turns back to her. He means no harm, and actually, she suspects that everything would bring her back to Nathaniel anyway.
The few drops of rain starting to fall remind her of all the times Nathaniel hasn't let any drop get to her. The sun would call back the memories of their escape in heaven two days ago. The roses resemble too much the keyring she has given him back, and the threatening clouds lead her back to his haunted eyes.
"I don't think he'll be able to come. He's busy as a Captain." The word feels bitter on her tongue. It's his function after all, yet it is a sharp contrast with the place he has taken in her heart, in her life, and even more...
Archie has immediately thought of him for a 'brothers match'. It isn't just a detail, and Nathaniel is letting down Archie along with her. She can glimpse the disappointment crossing her brother's eyes, even though he hides it behind a shrug, and she herself would lie if she said she hasn't fantasized about Nathaniel joining her family.
"That's his loss! I'll bring my sister, right? You've got a mean throw!"
Anastasia offers him a small thankful smile. Archie may be the most annoying brother sometimes, but she wouldn't exchange him for anything. She pulls him into a hug to thank him without words and also because she needs comfort as a few tears are mixing with the raindrops, and Archie must sense this because he doesn't fight her.
"I will be there, je te le promets." She pulls away with another reason to fight, glancing at the grave covered in roses. "But first, I have something to do. Can you tell the parents I'm going to see Andy and Khloe?"
***
'Fight for it', Anastasia repeats again and again in her head as her fast steps are leading her closer and closer to her destination, her determination never wavering in spite of the shivers following her closely with unease and her careful glances around.
She is looking at those tall gray edifices like a stranger, although her feet have treaded those streets a thousand times before, and she isn't lost in any way. She knows where she is heading with each corner and crossroad leading to buildings that look the same but different.
It is a strange impression, and it isn't because of the night falling and the unusual quietness. Maybe it is her eyes that are different after witnessing beauty and horror, and blurring with so many emotions. Now, the streets all looking the same, straight and bordered, are suffocating, even more as they are paving the way to all the same wide rooms, where they are preaching injustices and filling people's heads with those fake ideas.
Anastasia is ashamed to have ever defended those values. That's one of the reasons why she is keeping her head down, even if it isn't the main one, and she only lifts her chin when she finally nears her destination and takes in the sight before her.
Well, at least, one thing hasn't changed. The old gray building still makes her gulp a lump of nerves in her throat, and the eerie silence around isn't helping, echoing her slowing steps, the strong thuds of her heart, and even the hair arising at the back of her neck.
She adjusts the hood of her black jacket to shelter herself from more than just the heavy rain, which now can't reach her thanks to the little canopy above her head, and repeating those words one more time... Fight for–
"Look what we have back here!"
Her fingers haven't even touched the door handle that the cold voice is making Anastasia jump away, the same jolt as the first time she has been here. Yet today, the thought of turning back doesn't cross her mind as she meets the same scornful piercing gaze and the same tall silhouette all covered in black, like her outfit is too.
"Hadi," she pronounces his name, not even bothering for a greeting or a smile; it won't convince him.
She isn't surprised to find him here, and in spite of what could suggest the uneven beats of her heart she is still trying to steady, following his sudden apparition out of nowhere, she has expected to see him. That's why she is here, even though she doesn't know if she has hoped for it because she has already told him some of her reasons, or if it would be easier with someone who wouldn't judge her so harshly.
"Are you lost again?"
It would definitely have been better if it had been anyone else. But Anastasia isn't the same lost girl with a spark of curiosity. She is a resolute woman with an unextinguishable fire of determination.
"No, I'm not. I want to join." She holds his gaze without flinching, a contrast with the shakes happening in all her nerves. "I'm sure, and I've found my one reason."
Hadi cocks an unimpressed eyebrow, probably testing her determination. Though at least, he isn't laughing in her face; that's progress!
"Listen, that's great for you, but here, we don't want problems with your 'reason', 'accident', or whatever." He throws a glance around as if expecting to see someone appear, and he doesn't have to specify. She knows what, who he means: Nathaniel.
A flash of his shadowed brown eyes and his smooth voice from the last time she has been here are crossing her mind, or more exactly, the hole inside her chest, but the rest of her body is fully in the present.
"Don't worry for him, he won't come anywhere near me." She doesn't even flicker her gaze around, as this fact is bitterly imprinted in all her cells.
"Trouble in paradise? How surprising!" Hadi's choice of words is ironically close to the truth, his evil mocking smirk making his remark harsher.
Yet too bad for him, she has already taken worse blows yesterday. Her eyes are dry and the empty shell is too broken to show a crack. Her only reaction is her frown sharpening her emotionless gaze. "I'm here to join the club. I'm–"
"Great for you, but what tells me you're not a snitch?" He steps closer, lowering his haughty gaze to her level, a dubious but effective method to unsettle an opponent.
She could laugh at how predictable he is; however, she hasn't won the argument yet. She will wait to be inside to cry victory, and to pass the fearsome door at her left, she has a concrete plea ready.
She believes she can do it, although she doesn't expect the faded gray door to open before anything more than a shaky breath can pass her lips.
"Hadi, what are you doing? We're waitin–"
This door suddenly looks less frightening. There is no monster here, and the woman staring at Anastasia is nothing like she would have imagined. There is nothing abnormal or scary about her, no tattoo, no piercing, and that's what is making Anastasia's frown disappear in a lift of her eyebrows.
It isn't that she pictures the rebels as abnormal or criminals, even if they are the latter, but Hadi isn't exactly 'ordinary'. He is dark and intimidating, while the woman standing next to him is emanating something friendly and luminous from her messy bun of ginger hair to her simple black sweater, gray sweatpants, and the welcoming twinkle in her green eyes.
"Who is she?" She glances between Anastasia and Hadi, though her gaze isn't scornful like Hadi's, just curious.
"I'm Anastasia. I want to join." She doesn't leave Hadi time to speak and condemn her without a fight.
However, it doesn't stop him from adding, "A law student who fucks one of those bastards of soldiers."
Here, he is really making sure to make a despicable introduction, although he hasn't lied. That's what she is, what she has been more exactly, and she swallows the sourness in the back of her throat, keeping her head high, while something else is plummeting. "Not anymore... neither of the two."
Every moment of the last two months is sinking in with just a few words, the strength vanishing in the opposite way, and her hand instinctively reaches for her compass pendant in spite of how much she doesn't want to.
"I'm sure I want to join the 'club'. I know there's no turning back, but I'm ready, and my reason is..." She takes a deep breath, sealing her decision in the silence of the heavy rain. "Freedom. I want everyone to be able to choose, and I don't want lives to be taken away anymore."
She doesn't breathe after this, knowing she has more arguments, yet it is the strongest one. It comes from her fire.
"Okay," the ginger-haired woman replies, re-opening the door after a glance around.
"What?!" Both Anastasia and Hadi exclaim, though his expression is the opposite of Anastasia's relief, freezing her breath with just a narrowed glance.
"I'm not letting her in. She could be a snitch, what proves us she isn't lying?"
"You're not the boss here." The woman faces him, staying as calm and casual as before, and Anastasia can only watch, fascinated, how this girl, one head smaller than Hadi, is slowly making him lower his gaze with each of her arguments. "We're all equal, and anyone can join. We're not like the arbitrary government, remember?"
And she doesn't even lose her smile through all of this, turning to Anastasia with a shrug. "Besides, I like her. She has a good reason, and we'll still make her take an entrance test. Everyone has a chance."
That is a striking plea, worthy of a great lawyer; Anastasia can't help the thought, despite how ironical it is.
"Okay, but I choose her test." Hadi is back with his haughty gaze towards Anastasia as he gestures towards the door for her to come in, and she tries to focus on the brightness of the woman before her rather than the shadow of Hadi behind, like her mind is on the reasons why she has to fight for it rather than the fear of stepping into the unknown with no turning back.
Yet as she passes the old door, there is only one thing that remains: the feeling that she is betraying Nathaniel. She has promised to never go near the rebels ever again. She can still hear his voice making her promise, pleading her, and glimpse his earnest and haunted eyes as if it was yesterday, but yesterday all she has seen has been his mask of steel.
He has broken his own promises, so she can too. She doesn't owe him anything; that's what he has made clear. He is just a stranger.
She is not convincing herself as her fingers are almost white from her tight grip around her pendant, but Hadi is quickly pulling her out of her daze, the fall back to reality being abrupt when he announces,
"Okay, so the test will be..."
The test to enter the rebels, she is in the rebel's den. Her blinking eyes need a few seconds to adjust to this new setting, though from what she can see, it looks like an ordinary hallway barely more lit than the dark streets outside, and even if it could be scary, what is sending a shiver of dread down her spine is the mischievous look of reflection in Hadi's eyes.
"The infiltration of the matchmaking service to put a flash drive I'll give you–"
"What?!" the gasp from the ginger-haired woman, whose Anastasia still doesn't know the name, is even more alarming, and it must be a hard test if she is losing the calm she has been wearing since she has arrived. "It isn't a mission planned for newcomers. It hasn't even been decided exactly yet."
"Yes, but she has a lot more to prove than the other newcomers," Hadi emphasizes with a lift of his eyebrows. "And we wanted to test the flash drive anyway. If she really wants to join, it's this, or she can run back to her precious law books." His arms crossed over his chest, his nod at the door, and just his scowling expression, all seem to steer her towards the latter option.
"I don't think–"
"I will do it," Anastasia interrupts whatever the ginger-haired woman has been about to say. It's obvious Hadi won't change his mind, and she has lost enough time in useless arguments.
So she swallows the lump in her throat, forming with every doubt and instinct telling her it is a bad idea, especially pushing down the echo of Nathaniel's whisper 'promise me to never go near the rebels ever again', and she holds their gazes. "Give me the flash drive."
"Okay," Hadi chuckles, and it's almost unsettling how he doesn't add any snide remark or protest before disappearing behind the first door in the corner, leaving Anastasia to wonder if it's good or bad news, and also what that door can be hiding.
Her legs are itching to go find out, but she just stands there awkwardly, while the red-haired girl is staring at her like she is crazy. Well, she has lost her sanity along with other things in the last months, and now, she can't turn back.
"It's a nice place." She tries to make conversation to stop her thoughts from wandering too much and find back her reason.
"Yeah... it's a photography club, after all!" The woman shrugs, following Anastasia's gaze on the various black and white photos hung on the charcoal walls. "We have more colorful ones in the main room, where the other members are, but you'll see if you..." Her eyes trail down, while Anastasia's go back to the closed door.
If she succeeds in her impossible mission. Though she knows the stakes are even higher. It's a 'life engagement'.
"Oh, by the way, I didn't even introduce myself! I'm Molly." She holds her hand, probably sensing where Anastasia's thoughts are roaming.
"Nice to meet you, Molly." Anastasia returns the handshake, thankful for the distraction. "May I ask you since how long you're in the... club?"
She doesn't want to think for now; she will have all her lonely night filled with tears for that.
"Oh, yes, it's been almost two years I think."
"And... what is your reason?"
It is the most important question here, the one that says the most about someone, almost as much as some non-verbal gestures... and when Molly's gaze flickers to her chest, Anastasia realizes she is still fiddling with her pendant, quickly letting it go.
"I'm a swimmer, and my husband doesn't let me do it professionally, even if I'm really good at it. I've won a lot of championships before I got matched actually. So that's my reason..." Molly forces a small smile, which Anastasia has seen too many people wear, and she can't stop her fingers from going back to her compass pendant as she whispers,
"Freedom."
"That's always the answer... You're smart." Molly nods, the hint of a smirk stretching her lips. "I'm sure you'll pass your test and prove Hadi wrong, and we definitely gotta take a pic of his face when it happens!"
Molly is really good at lightening the heavy mood and motivating the troops, and although they have just met, Anastasia is thankful to have someone like her on her side, when everything feels like an endless battle.
"He really hates me, right?"
"No, no, it's not you. But you're just combining two things that he hates: the law and the army."
"Was," Anastasia corrects, all the lightness crushed by one word. "But why? I mean, I know how bad they both can be, but... you don't seem as hateful..."
Her careful gaze studies Molly and her genuine smile, her frown coming back by reflex as she waits for the answer, and even more when the red-haired woman lets out a sigh, probably hesitating to speak before giving in to Anastasia's piercing talents.
"His mom was a lawyer."
That, Anastasia would have never imagined it, and more questions are appearing in her mind. Yet she stays silent as Molly's green eyes take a darker, serious shade, letting her guess this is once again not a happy-ending story.
"From what I've heard, she got assigned to a case against a general or something like that, and she dug a little too much..."
Lawyers are curious and pugnacious. That's what has led Anastasia there too, and she knows how those qualities can turn into dangerous weaknesses.
"She discovered things she shouldn't have and she got arrested... Hadi was just 12 when she disappeared...."
"To hell," Anastasia finishes in a breathless whisper just as the door reopens, revealing the tall man covered in black, who doesn't look as frightening now.
'Never judge a book by its cover', whether it is a blank covered one or a dark one. But in all of this, the happy endings appear more and more like a mirage. She can't count how many sad stories she has heard, and her broken shell can't take one more.
So she will fight for it, for those happy endings, and her first battle is already starting as Hadi hands her a small black rectangle, which looks almost too ordinary.
"You have to put it on the central computer."
"What does it do?" She tries to control the shakes of her hand as she grabs it, though it doesn't go unnoticed by Hadi's gaze under his mocking lifted eyebrow.
"It's a virus. It hacks the matchmaking application and freezes it."
"Really?!" For the first time in two days, she hears her heart pumping with hope, and it is an almost foreign sensation, leaving her breathless.
But of course, it never lasts...
"Only for a few hours, the virus encoding is using binary patterns that are too ordinary and easy to break," Hadi explains, the nerdy jargon not clarifying much, even though she has heard Andy uses those same words a million times.
Maybe it would be easier for her to understand, if there wasn't the loud drop of her heart, and anyways, she has caught the most important with the first words.
"So what's the use? It won't solve anyone's problem!" She is sure that even the few lucky ones whose match will be hacked will be matched again. It is just postponing the inevitable and losing time.
"It annoys them, shows them that we're here, ready to fight, and it also allows us to test the virus," Molly replies, probably knowing Hadi won't bother answering the question.
"If you want to talk about definitive plans, you have to pass your test first." Hadi crosses his arms in front of his chest, reminding Anastasia that she can't enter the door he is standing in front of yet.
"I will."
She has no choice but to succeed in the impossible mission. Though she has an advantage they are not aware of: she already knows the building she has to infiltrate.
And so it begins... 😈🔥
The first part of this chapter was so hard to write! 😭💔 Why did I torture myself with a heartbreak scene + losing my Alex baby?! I know he's old, and both he and Elena had a great life, but still, it made me cry. Their daughter is called Rose, my Alexena shippers might know why. And if you want, I'm sharing tissues 🤧😭💔
Also, isn't Archie too cute?! He was already seeing Nate as a big brother 🥺
But enough, or I will cry again 😭 Can we talk about the rebels instead? 😈 Hadi is back! I'm so excited 😈 He's one of my fav side characters! What do you think of him? 😏
Tell me what you think of this chapter in the comments, and also tell me if you think Ana will succeed in her impossible mission 😉😈 And don't forget to vote ⭐ if you're excited for next chapter, which will show us what Nate has been up to... 🤭🤫😉
In the meantime, stay safe, and remember JE VOUS AIME, my little rays of sunshine!!! 😘❤🌞
PS: 'je te le promets' = I promise.