Notes: This is a direct continuation from the last chapter so please try to revisit the last paragraphs before continuing on with this one. x
--------------
Afterwards, Xiao Zhan leans back against the seat, his gaze still fixed on the mounted phone as he draws in a deep breath.
It releases in a shuddering exhale and as he blinks, the last bit of moisture rolls down the corners of his eyes.
Yibo had once again been about to resign himself to a goodbye.
And for a moment there, Xiao Zhan had nearly let him.
But his heart had squeezed with a wrenching agony, and he'd moved to stop it.
Currently, they have nothing else to say to the other other but his hope is that his promise leaves a prominent note in Yibo's heart.
"I'll call you back."
He shuts his eyes then, and folds his arms across his chest as he runs all that Yibo has just said to him through his mind. One statement in particular he finds, is the one that haunts him the most and the one that he knows will linger in his mind for the longest time.
"It was easier to look away."
He understands Yibo, and all that he has just said however this one statement is what continues to nurse the antagonism that he feels in his heart towards him. In all honesty, Yibo's confession didn't turn out to be as catastrophic as it could have been and so, he feels immense relief at the confirmation that he has been right about Yibo's heart. And that it was very unlikely that Yibo had intentionally set out to hurt him. The case has now been revealed to be willful ignorance, however this doesn't make him feel any better.
In the midst of all of this malaise and antipathy though is still this bone melting warmth for Yibo that continues to burn in his chest, so he grabs onto it with all of his heart.
Why do things have to be so complicated, he cannot help but lament but then perhaps, they were quite simple.
He cannot tell.
Suddenly, his phone begins to ring once again and at the possibility that it is Yibo, his eyes fly open.
However it is not him, but Nini.
He considers rejecting the call, but when he remembers that he has to inform her of his request to the director to allow him more time in deciding whether to release a statement or not, he immediately picks up.
"Nini," he calls.
"Laoban, how are you?"
He stops at the question, a grave quiet coming over him as he considers it for a moment. He doesn't plan on responding but it does call his attention to just how jittery he feels and the harshness of his breathing pattern.
"Have you called the director?" he goes straight to the point.
"I have," she replies. "I did it after you left the house."
He feels immense disappointment, and a great deal of fear.
"Can you quickly contact him to hold on for a little bit? I need a few more days to ponder about this."
At this, she briefly goes quiet.
"I'm sorry Laoban but... the statement has already been posted. That's why I'm calling you now .... to inform you."
Xiao Zhan's heart slams into his chest.
"What?" he breathes.
"They expected the response that you gave so they already had their statement ready. It's on Weibo now and there's nothing too alarming about it. I've just sent it to you on Wechat so when you get a break from driving, perhaps you can take a look at it."
"Fuck," he curses under his breath, pained at the endless stream of difficulties.
He thinks of Yibo, and of how he should immediately call him back to iron out this hassle so that it doesn't completely doom the rest of his day.
"Nini I'll call you back," he says, but she stops him before he can disconnect the call.
"Xiao Zhan, just a moment please."
He pauses.
"You're doing okay right? I saw how withdrawn you were before you left the house. I... I know that you especially liked this role, but better ones will come along. Plus we have a handful of other projects and dramas that are yet to be released."
"Nini," he sighs. "I'm fine. It's just a role."
"Alright," she says, and their call comes to an end.
This last statement to her however lingers in his mind as he cannot help but relate it to what Yibo had said about his racing incident.
"I wanted you to console me ... and to remind me that it was just a race. That it really didn't matter."
He pulls up his number to call him but then midway through, he stops as he realizes what he is doing.
Once again he is hurrying to reassure Yibo, the singular concern in his head right now solely about how this would negatively affect him.
But what about his parents?
It occurs to him now that they will be crushed by this news, especially as they had believed it to be incredibly important to him since it was the first role that had pulled him back into working.
So with this pause, he wonders now whom he should contact first.
Or even at all.
A cacophony of emotions assail him until eventually, he decides that for once he needs to think of himself first.
And he needs to let go.
He needs to stop being so worried that those around him won't be able to manage their emotions regarding his misfortunes. Plus Yibo right now he doesn't even think that he can call, because reassuring him would also automatically include the hope that all is okay between them, and he doesn't want this to be the case because he doesn't want forget that when he needed Yibo the most, it was easier for him to look away.
With this statement replaying in his mind once again, he is able to clearly identify his strongest reaction to Yibo's confession, and it is anger.
Because regardless of whether Yibo was aware at the time that he was in love with him or not, it should never have been easier for him to look away.
"... as everyone advised would be best, even for you, I just stayed out of it hoping that it would all die down and things would get better. But then it got worse ... and then you cut me off."
Xiao Zhan thinks now of all the ways he has indulged Yibo over and over again, and bile begins to rise up in his throat.
He realizes now that he has one more question for him, so he taps on his phone and redials his number. It rings only twice before Yibo picks up.
"Ge," he answers, and at the soft tone of his voice, Xiao Zhan almost backs down but then he pushes on, knowing somehow that he will regret this but yet unable to stop himself.
"Why didn't you come see me?" he asks, and just as he expects Yibo goes silent. "Even though I blocked you, why didn't you at least come over to ensure that I was doing okay? You had the key to my house. You're the only one that has the key to that house, and when you really needed to use it, you found your way there. So why didn't you once come over to check up on me?"
Yibo remains silent, and this grates even further on Xiao Zhan's nerves.
"Wang Yibo."
"Ge, I'm sorry," Yibo replies, and Xiao Zhan realizes then that the answer to this question too is the same as all the others.
It truly was easier for him to look away. His heart burns with something akin to hatred.
"I really have been too lenient with you haven't I?" he says. "Out of all our friends, you were the only one that I actually blocked, and I always wondered why. Why I especially felt sour about you beyond the fact that I was wary of your company's involvement. It is only now that I am realizing that there was a certain standard that I held you to, that I wanted to hold you to, and when I realized that you weren't meeting it, I wanted to give you a way out. To give you an excuse to fall back on, that you couldn't reach me because I had blocked you. At the time I didn't even realize that you had the access device to my apartment. I only thought that you had the key card which would only grant you access to my floor, so I changed the password. Only for it to turn out that you had the most direct access to me, but yet it was easier for you to stay away since seeing if I was okay didn't really serve you at the time. Right?"
Yibo remains quiet, and at this Xiao Zhan feels his throat violently constrict with grief.
"Yibo, tell me you lost the key at some point. Or use the out that I made available for you. Use it right now... before I break your heart into pieces!"
He is trembling with anger as he waits, and as all of the memories flood him. Of the months of isolation and pain and dejection, and of the countless mornings that he had awoken to find his faced soaked in tears, confused and in despair about the ruins that his life had become. Of the days he had gone without even bothering to eat, and of the humiliation and apprehension that had eventually wore him numb.
It is a few more moments later before Yibo responds.
"I didn't lose the key."
Xiao Zhan feels himself crumble even more.
"So it truly was just easier for you to look away?"
Silence.
Xiao Zhan's chest begins to heave as the rage inside of him doubles in size. He glares murderously at the phone, and even though something in a corner of his heart once again nudges him to stop, he ignores it.
"Yibo, how did you get that access device in the first place?"
Yibo's tone is contrite. "You gave it to me."
This surprises Xiao Zhan. "What? When?"
Yibo clears his throat. "When I came to see you in December. I was worried that no one else knew about the apartment or had any access to it. So I told you to give me a key. But then you laughed and asked what good me having one would be even in the case of an emergency since I didn't live in Shamian. This made sense so I changed the reason for my request. I told you that it would be nice for me to be able to go there too whenever I was in Guangzhou so that I could rest, especially if you weren't there to let me in, and since it was so private, it could also be the place where we could meet up from time to time to get away from the world together. You laughed it off, but then I pulled out the key to my apartment in Beijing and the smile left your face. I told you to take it but you refused. You asked what good staying with you in Beijing would be when it would be so risky. You told me then to just keep your key, and for me to send you the spare for mine if I ever got an apartment in a secluded place."
Xiao Zhan thinks back to the mentioned visit, and as he runs through its details in his mind, he is able to recall this conversation. He had been occupied then with preparing dinner for the both of them, so since only half of his attention had been on the conversation, it had eventually faded away in his mind. He does however vividly recall how warmed he'd felt at Yibo's eagerness in becoming as familiar with him as was possible, so this had eliminated the need for him to give any deep thought whatsoever to Yibo's request. Because even back then, his whole heart had already been so fucking willing to give this boy all that he wanted from him.
Xiao Zhan cannot help now but to shake his head in self pity.
"You really do get your way with me," he says.
"Zhan ge," Yibo's voice slightly breaks. "I'm really sorry."
"I don't want your fucking apology!" Xiao Zhan spits out. "I want to trust you! I want to fucking believe that my welfare is crucial to you. It doesn't matter that you didn't know that you were in love with me back then, because we were already clearly deeply attached to each other. We were closer than most friends.... we loved each other."
Another long silence ensues, and Xiao Zhan uses it to get himself together. He turns away from the phone, and fixes his gaze on the highway before him.
He doesn't know for how long he stares blankly at the cars zooming past, but when he returns his attention back to he screen, he meets that the call is still connected.
He takes a deep, and excruciating breath.
"Yibo," he calls. "I forgive you. I truly do. However I don't know where we can go from here, because right now it feels like you only truly deserve to be a friend."
Xiao Zhan pauses after this, however Yibo doesn't say a word in response.
This makes him realize that he prefers Yibo yelling back at him.
He prefers Yibo unrestrained, and saying exactly what he thinks and feels to him. However right now, Yibo is simply silent.
Remorse begins to prick at him, that perhaps he had taken things too far, but he no longer wants to keep any of it in. He no longer wants to resent Yibo so perhaps with this outburst, he can begin the process of truly healing.
Once again the call drags on in silence, with neither of them willing to end it.
Until eventually he cannot take it anymore.
"Yibo," he calls, but before he can say another word, Yibo apologizes again, his voice more strained than Xiao Zhan has ever heard it.
"Zhan ge, I'm truly sorry."
It is obvious to Xiao Zhan now that Yibo is on the verge of tears and at this, he releases an exasperated breath because he truly cannot bear to scold Yibo any further.
"Yibo, you don't really owe me an apology because in all honesty, you didn't do anything wrong. I guess... I guess I just expected more. When it comes to you I've always expected more because I've always given you everything that I had. You're the first person that has ever completely brought down my walls so even as platonic friends... I've always sort of expected that things would be easy between us. But when it didn't turn out that way, I guess I couldn't help but resent you for it."
He releases a heavy sigh.
"Take care of yourself," he tells him, and waits a few more seconds.
When Yibo however still doesn't say another word, he once again puts an end to the call.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Afterwards, Xiao Zhan focuses solely on his drive towards Chongqing.
In the midst of that, several calls and messages from other friends and industry colleagues come in however he refuses to respond to any of them. He mutes his phone and even refuses to check the post on Weibo, solely focused now on what he has to do to move himself from where he currently is to a better place. A place where he doesn't feel as hurt or bleak, but instead peaceful and hopeful.
This trip to Chongqing seems now to be exactly what he needs, so he begins to truly look forward to it. However despite how hard he tries, he cannot help but be worried about Yibo. He manages though to shut this down each time the urge to call him returns, with the reminder that Yibo will be fine.
Yibo had after all in the midst of his most difficult times, simply gone on with his life, unmoved by any urge whatsoever to reach out to him. Thus he can do the same.
A few hours later, he soon arrives at Enshi City and has to stop for a quick tank refill. There, he also grabs a few snacks from the convenience store and then afterwards, sits in his car for some mindless reflection. He goes through his phone and through the messages he has received, but although he is tempted to check Weibo, he manages to hold himself back.
What's the point of a fresh dose of aggravation? he tells himself, but is about to put the phone away when a call from his father comes in.
He gazes at it, and even though he considers ignoring it, he cannot bring himself to because although he is refusing to speak to anyone else, he has to assure those that truly care that he is alright.
So he mounts it back on the dashboard, and accepts the call.
"Xiao Zhan," his father calls, and at his tone, he knows that his father's intention in calling is anything but to offer him commiseration.
"Ba," he responds as he eats, completely drained of strength.
"Where are you?"
"Enshi City."
At this, his father briefly goes silent. "You're coming home?"
"Yeah," he replies.
"You're driving?"
"Yeah," he responds, and hears his father's tortured sigh from the other end of the line.
Xiao Zhan wants to reassure him that he is fine, but he holds himself back and focuses solely on his snack.
"I've just seen the notice on Weibo," his father says. "That they've decided to take you off the show. What exactly happened? And was Yibo aware that you were also offered this script?"
Xiao Zhan sighs. The last thing he wants to do right now is to speak about this, but then he realizes that he truly hasn't clarified things to his father, which he should have done, but then again this is the first time that he is truly asking.
"The script was sent directly to me, but not until Yibo came to see me in Shamian did I take a look at it. He saw that it had also been sent to me, and urged me to consider it."
"Hadn't he already auditioned for the role by then?" his father asks.
"He had," Xiao Zhan replies.
"So why did he still urge you to take a look at it?"
"Concern," Xiao Zhan replies. "Kindness. He was sure that I would like it."
Hearing this, his father goes silent but Xiao Zhan is truly not in the mood to convince him of anything.
"What makes you so sure that he did it out of concern? How do you know that he didn't recommend it so that he could get the chance to take a shot at you in this way?"
Xiao Zhan sighs again. "Ba, beyond what I have just told you, I really do not have anything else to say. I believe that Yibo did it out of concern for me as a friend, even though others might not believe it. So, and and since I have no way of proving this to anyone, I'll just allow everyone to think what they want to."
His father briefly goes quiet again. "Did you even bother asking him to speak up for you? To clarify things so that this sort of damage wouldn't come to you?"
"He did put out a statement," Xiao Zhan reminds him, and his father's response is a scoff.
"That vague nonsense about skills and talent? Wasn't that to attack you?"
Xiao Zhan sighs yet again. "Ba, it wasn't, and I really do not want to speak about Yibo again. He has his own life and I have mine, so what is the point now in blaming him for what he said or didn't say?"
"Isn't this going to affect your career?" His father asks. "Because you've been taken off this show, won't other projects be reluctant to involve you?"
Xiao Zhan cannot help his quiet acknowledgment of this concern, but eventually he brushes it off his mind, deciding that today at least, he will not think about any of it.
"Ba, once again I cannot predict and assume. All I can do is continue to do my best, and keep moving forward."
"Alright," his father says. "From now on, I want you to move forward, and the first thing I want you to do is to cut off all ties whatsoever with Wang Yibo."
At this statement, his brows furrow. He thinks of how to respond to this but the one thing that he cannot help but point out is just how ridiculous this request is.
"Ba, I'm not a child. You can't just tell me to cut off ties with whomever you want me to."
"Why not?" his father asks defiantly. ""Am I not your father?"
Xiao Zhan's blood begins to sizzle as he thinks of how to counter this, but in the last moment he decides not to even bother.
"Alright ba, we'll talk more about this when I get home."
"There's nothing to talk about. Call him right now and severe every tie that you have with him."
"For fuck's sake," he curses under his breath.
"Ba, if me and Yibo are not destined to be friends for whatever reason, then that is how it will be. I do not need to contact him and explicitly severe my ties with him."
"You need to!" his father counters, "because that boy is extremely cunning and deceitful. You have a kind heart so you never know when to push him away, however this is where I draw the line. Whether he has purposely hurt you or not, I do not want any relations whatsoever between the two of you. From now on, I want the both of you to be known as completely separate entities in our family, and by the world."
Xiao Zhan has had more than what he can handle of heart wrenching exchanges over the phone today, so this is not one that he has any intention of trying to resolve.
"Ba, I'll be home soon. We'll speak about this when I arrive."
At this, his father goes silent and in the next instance, the call comes to an end.
Xiao Zhan decides then to just switch his phone off until he arrives home, because there is no point really in continuously trying to defend himself to the world.
Notes:
I would have posted 7,900 words of the new chapter in the next hour or so, but suddenly my desktop shut off because my restless foot touched the wire underneath so I lost the edits of more than half of it. It's annoying, especially since I was beginning to love this lengthy chapter format but life struck.
I just want to let you know that you'll have the remaining 4k words uploaded by tomorrow. I need a good night's sleep to get rid of the aggravation. Please don't waste your precious comments on this. Focus more on your thoughts about the story. I just wanted to let you all know why the chapter is shorter today. I'll back up more often from now. Ugh. ❤️