A week. One, whole week.
In the beginning, it didn't seem so hard. You had come home after the fight, slammed your keys down on the table, and promptly went back to bed. You could use the extra sleep anyway, right?
The time after that had been hard. You hadn't had this much time off work in years, and the fact that it was a suspension didn't help matters.
At first, you tried desperately to distract yourself. You went to the psych eval. They said something about anxiety and depression swings, but you weren't really listening. All you heard was that you were cleared to go back to work.
After that, you spent one day cleaning your entire house top to bottom until it sparkled. You went grocery shopping and did laundry. You organized everything you could and even dumped out your go-bag only to repack it.
On the third day, you ran out of things to do. You didn't bother to get dressed anymore, instead just lounging in pajamas all day. You frequently called and talked to the team individually, asking about how work was going. You were relatively vague about the details of your suspension, but you guessed they got the point.
On the third and fourth day, you learned the team had gone to Maryland to investigate serial killings. You called everyone individually to figure out every little detail. You practically begged to get enough details from them, and then gave your opinion whether they asked for it or not. You needed to be helpful in this case in one way or another.
Other than that, you were forced to sit and think about your actions. About all that had transpired over the past few days.
Mostly, you thought about Hotch.
You first had to think about that morning you shared. How intimate it was, how you felt the white-hot pleasure coursing through your body. The words he said had sent chills through you and made you feel something so pleasureful yet so mysterious.
But there was more. You remembered how it felt to have someone to take care of. How amazing it was to feel wanted and to wake up in his arms. How both of your nightmares had subsided for that night only. What could that mean?
You also recalled the words spoken on the jet. Teacher's pet. Was it possible he did have a soft spot for you? It was true, in a way. You were the only one who could make him so angry yet make him laugh as much as you did (which granted, wasn't a lot, but anything from Hotch was something). He had mentored you, and you did admire him for that. But you also knew that what you felt towards him was more than admiration.
You knew very well the protocol of interoffice romances, specifically how relationships between superiors and subordinates were viewed. How it looked, that is, and what it looked like was a worker sleeping with their boss. Maybe for a promotion or special treatment, but in any case, it was a distraction from the job.
But you didn't want anything from him, that was clear. You were at least somewhat sure of what you felt about him. Lust, desire, and anger all thrown together. But the question was, was it more than that?
The real question was how he felt about you. You wanted him to like you, to feel the same way you did about him. But you could never quite be sure what he was thinking.
He was so dominating. He could exert control over anyone and any situation, which was a skill you admittedly lacked. He could get such a reaction out of you with the simplest actions. All he had to do was put a hand on your leg. Your waist, your back, your hand. Such innocent touches could capture your attention so easily. And his words. He could send shivers down your body effortlessly. No other man had ever made you feel like that.
You told yourself how you were losing it, how you were getting ahead of yourself. You gave each other head once. Not even sex. Did that really mean anything? You told yourself it didn't, and it clearly didn't mean much to him, but you couldn't deny the feelings bubbling up inside of you.
You hated how fast you had become attached to him, but the one thing you knew for sure was that you didn't want that to be a one-night stand situation. You wanted more. You craved it.
But then, there were even more complications. What had happened during the case. You knew you messed up royally. If that warrant hadn't come through there was a possibility he could press charges. You had also obtained a cut on your hand from the glass that still stung like a bitch.
You messed up in more ways than one. But the one thing you couldn't seem to shake was what he said at headquarters. You remembered it so clearly.
"You're not confident in your own abilities so you attempt to prove yourself to others. You're scared, and you deal with it by putting yourself at risk. We don't need agents like that in the field. It's a liability."
Everything he said was true. It was annoying how easily he had read you. You did lack self-confidence, and your job scared you at times. You weren't sure why you chose to put yourself at risk so often.
His words hurt. You couldn't help the tears that streamed from your eyes throughout the days as you thought of it. The team doesn't need you, you thought, they would be better off without you. You're a setback, a burden, a liability.
And worst of all, the way he described what you had done together. Like it was a regret, a mistake. And the more you thought about it the more hopeless and alone you felt.
Relief came on the 5th day of your suspension with a call from Garcia. Although she wasn't a profiler, she was amazing at telling exactly how you felt at any given time.
She orchestrated a BAU girl's night at a local club. You, her, Emily, and JJ dancing and drinking at a club all night. It sounded like heaven since you couldn't go back to work on Monday.
So, on a Friday night for the first time in ages, you weren't at work. You were at home, showering at 7 o'clock promptly. You got out and fussed over your hair, doing a full face of makeup before putting on your underwear.
You decided on a form-fitting black dress, a low cut that showed your cleavage and hugged your curves. It went down to your mid-thigh, with a slight slit up the side.
When you were ready, you waited for their car to appear in the driveway. When you saw JJ's car, you ran out excitedly and got in the back seat.
"Hey sexy, look at you!" Emily complimented from the spot in the passenger seat.
"You look beautiful, y/n" JJ gives you a light smile.
"Beautiful is an understatement, you're HOT" Penelope giggles.
You compliment them all back, blushing slightly. JJ is the designated driver, and Penelope made reservations to a club. You pull up at around 9, following them inside.
It's starting to get dark and a line forms out the door, but Garica apparently knows the bouncer because you four get in quickly.
You locate a standing table and Emily runs to bring you all drinks. She brings you a large glass of wine, which you take a long sip of.
"You're drinking tonight?" JJ asks.
"Why not?" You ask "not like I have work tomorrow. I'm gonna get wasted for the first time since college." They raise their glasses to you, clinking them before drinking.
"So how's work without me?" You ask lightly, already refilling your glass.
"Horrible" Emily sighs.
"We miss having you around. Without you, it gets boring" Penelope frowns.
"Not to mention we miss your input on cases" JJ adds quickly.
"Well let's just hope I don't do something stupid and get myself fired."
"Hotch seems pretty on edge recently" Emily smirks, bumping your arm with her elbow.
"What?"
"I just meant that ever since you left he's been a little, well, grumpy" she takes a deep sip, causing JJ and Pen to laugh.
"Okay, and?"
"He's having y/n withdrawals" JJ gives a light smile.
"Let's not forget about you throwing him eyes on the jet" Emily reminds you.
"Oh, was she now?" JJ teases.
"Wait, y/n has a crush on Hotch?" Penelope asks.
"No, I don't," you say quickly.
"Oh my gosh, a romance at Quantico! This is so exciting!"
"You all know he just suspended me, right? Or am I living in another reality?" You shoot back, sturring your drink with your finger.
"We know" Emily replied.
"And you all know we got into a huge fight about my work capabilities before I left and that he's royally pissed at me?"
"We know that too" JJ nods.
"Baby, love and hatred are two sides of the same coin," Penelope says, already on her second shot of tequila.
"You're all delusional" you roll your eyes, downing one of Emily's shots before taking another sip of your glass.
"Slow down y/n, you've got all night" JJ frets.
"Not if you all keep talking I don't" you shoot a playful smile "let's go dance."
You and the girls shoot back drink after drink, requesting songs and dancing. JJ keeps a watchful eye over all of you but also dances a bit herself.
Hours pass, and dance after dance play. You and the girls crack jokes and keep close to each other, all choosing not to talk about work.
Several men approach you all, but you refuse to dance with any of them. As the night goes on your spirits wear. Your head starts hurting, the lights and noise making you feel overwhelmed. You inform JJ you're going to the bathroom. It's a struggle fighting through the crowd before you push your way into the empty woman's restroom and lock the door behind you.
You sink down to your knees in the corner, letting out a loud sigh. Pulling out your phone, you scroll through your contact before your eyes land on the desired name.
Hotch 👔
Me: Hey
Me: hru
You stare down at the phone, rereading your text over and over. It felt overly casual, but the alcohol consumed the more reasonable part of your brain. At that point, all rational thought was gone. All you could be sure of was how you felt.
After a few moments, you feel your stomach bunch as your phone buzzed. You bit your lip as you looked down at it.
Hotch: what?
Well, that was underwhelming.
Me: hru
Me: its slang
Me: it means how are you
Me: im suprised Garcia dodnt teach you that.
Hotch: I know what it means. I'm just confused as to why you're texting me at this hour.
Hotch: do you know what time it is?
You look at the screen. It's almost midnight. You reread your texts, your intoxication revealed by your spelling.
Me: well now I do
Me: why are yiu awake?
Hotch: Why are you?
Me: i asked firsy
Hotch: Y/n, are you alright?
Me: I dont knpw
Me: im thinking aboit u
Me: im sirry i made you msd
Me: at hesdquaters
Hotch: Are you drunk?
Me: i thimk so
Me: I thaught it would make me feel better
Me: it didnt
Hotch: You're worrying me
Hotch: do you need me to come get you?
Me: i sont ljke it here
Me: its loud
Me: i miss yiu
Me: a lot
Hotch: Where are you?
Hotch: Are you safe?
Me: im with the gurls
Me: i dont think they wanna go home
Me: guys keep trying to danxe with me
Hotch: Is JJ with you?
Me: yea
Me: byt Pen and Emily are drnk too
Me: i dint think they want to go
Me: theyre dancing
Me: but i dont want to dance wjth qnyone.
Hotch: do you know the name of the bar your at?
Me: its a club
Me: i dont knkw
Me: i want tk see you agan
Me: im sorry
You set your phone down, dejected. The buzz had worn off, an alcoholic depression settling in. You realized he wasn't texting you back.
Me: i remeber why i dont drink
Me: it makes me sad
Me: or maybe its nkt the drinks
Me: maybe i just miss you a lkt
Me: wajt i alreadh said that
Me: but you were also beint a douche
Y
ou wonder if you should've sent that last one. Too late to take it back now.
Me: i feel like im anny8ng you
Me: again
Me: i do that a lot
Me: im sorry
Me: ill leave you alone nkw
You drop your phone and sink to the floor dejectedly. You had clearly annoyed him somehow. Probably with your frequent texting. Your heart leaped when you heard another buzz.
Hotch: I just talked to JJ and she told me where you are. Do you want me to come to get you?
Me: i dont knkw
Me: i dknt want ti go home
Me: im tired of bejng alkne
Me: can i come to your house?
Hotch: I don't know y/n
Hotch: that's unprofessional
Hotch: Not to mention that fact that you're drunk
Me: I dont want to do anything
Me: I just dont want to be alone tonight
Me: and I want to see Jack
Me: do you think he remembers me?
Me: please?
Hotch: I doubt he could forget you y/n.
Hotch: fine, you can stay the night. Now do you want me to get you?
Me: yes please
Hotch: I'm on my way. Stay with JJ until I get there. Be safe.
You couldn't quite find the words to reply with, so you just read his message and put your phone away.
You couldn't help but smile a bit. It was funny how just talking to him made you feel better.
You did what he asked, leaving the bathroom and searching for JJ in the crowd.
"Hey y/n, are you okay?" JJ asks, placing a hand on your arm "Hotch just called me, he wanted to know where you were."
"I think he's gonna pick me up and take me home so you three can stay. Thank you for everything though. I'll see you on Monday." You wrap her in a hug before turning away.
You went outside and stood on the sidewalk. You suddenly regret not getting a jacket. The frigid air made you shiver and rub your arms to create friction, but it definitely wasn't enough. You rocked back and forth on the sidewalk for a few minutes, waiting.
You tried to go over his instructions in your head. Be safe, he'll be here soon, and what else? Your mind felt clouded.
Stay with JJ. Stupid, how could you forget? You turn around, starting to walk back inside before you hear a whistle.
"Wow mama, you look hot." The words almost sounded like Garcia, but when you turned around all you saw was a man. You roll your eyes, not paying any attention to him.
"What, too good to respond?" He calls. You lean your back against the cool brick wall.
"No, but my mom always said if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all."
"Ooo, a feisty girl. It's alright mama, I dig it." He leans against the wall. He stands next to you for a couple of moments before putting his arm around your shoulder.
"Don't touch me, perv" you shrug your touch off.
"Careful what you say to me. I could make you scream with two fingers."
"What are you gonna do, poke my eyes out?" You ask sarcastically.
"Oh, a funny girl" he hisses, placing his hand on your shoulder "have anything nice to say now?"
"Yes, actually. Leave me alone before I arrest your ass for harassing an officer of the law."
"Oh, damn. You're bluffing, aren't you?"
"No actually, she's not" you hear a deep voice say. You watch as the man turns his head slightly, his eyes widening as he saw Hotch's figure standing behind him. Great timing, Hotch.
"Oh, damn, I um-" the man looked horrified. Hotch was significantly taller than both of you, his bulging arms crossed over his large chest. His muscles were accentuated by the tight white shirt muscle shirt he was wearing. You note he's also wearing joggers. You realize he was probably in bed when you texted him.
"Get out of here," he said simply. The man nodded, quickly taking the opportunity to run in the opposite direction.
"Thanks for that" you breathed, a slight slur in your words "although I could've done it by myself."
"I'm sure you could've" he nods "did you bring a jacket?"
"No" you shake your head "I thought we already established that my foresight isn't the best."
He just sighs, stripping himself of his light brown jacket and draping it around your bare shoulders. It smells nice, like him.
"Won't you be cold?" You ask.
"I'll be fine" he replies "but we should go."
"That sounds like a plan, bossman. There's only one problem."
"What's that?"
"I'm not completely sure if I can move my legs." He glances down at your legs, bare and shaking from adrenaline and cold and alcohol.
"Do you want me to carry you?" He said it as if it was the most natural thing in the world.
"That would be nice" you reply. He sighs a bit before putting one arm under your legs and one arm behind your back. He scoops you off your feet, situating you in his arms before starting to walk to the car.
"I could get used to this" you smile, placing your head against his chest. You could hear his heartbeat and smell the fading scent of his cologne. He also smelled slightly like mint, possibly soap. Did he just get out of the shower?
"I wouldn't," he said "You know, I liked your comeback. About the fingers."
"You think I hurt his pride?"
"Most definitely."
He opens his car door and puts you down on the passenger seat before getting in the driver's side. You fiddle a bit with the seatbelt, tugging on it while it fights you.
"Here, let me," he says after watching you struggle. He turns his body and reaches his arm over you.
You can feel his breath on your face as he reaches across you, his chest touching your own. You watched intently as he pulled the belt over you, putting it into the holster. You finally let go of your breath as he pulls back, sitting in his seat.
"Thanks for, coming to get me," you say after hearing the engine spark to life.
"Your welcome. Let's just try not to make this a habit." He says. You watch as he spins the wheel of the car to back out. You watch the veins in his hand's pulse and his fingers trace the wheel.
"Woah. You need to calm down" you think to yourself.
"I wasn't planning on it" you sigh "you know, I liked it much better when you were the drunk idiot."
"I wasn't being an idiot. You were the one who got me drunk in the first place" he reminds you.
"Yes, you were very sage when you couldn't even take your tie off by yourself." You shoot, reminding him of that night. He just shakes his head at you, an exasperated sigh falling from his lips.
He might've regretted it, but you certainly didn't.
You look out the window, staring at the bright lights of the downtown clubbing area. Your hand fidgets with the window control. Your fingers flip back and forth on opposite sides of the button, opening the window to let the cold night air in.
"Stop that" he scolds you. You ignore him, continuing to fidget with the buttons. As soon as you roll the window all the way to the top again, you hear a click. You press the button a few more times, but it doesn't move.
"Did you just put the child lock on my door?" You ask, turning your head.
"I told you to stop," he says without looking at you.
"Sorry, dad. If I behave can I watch nickelodeon when we get home?" He turns his head to you finally, giving you a firm look which silences you, only for a moment.
"Do I make you mad?" You ask after a moment.
"Sometimes," he says, his voice hesitant "why?"
"Rossi said I make you mad more than any other agent."
"His favorite band is also the rat pack. Sometimes his insight isn't the best."
You can't help but throw your head back in laughter at his criticism, the liquor making his joke seem all the funnier than it probably was. His eyes probe you as you laugh. You watch as he smiles, looking down at the wheel.
"What's so funny?" You ask, noticing his smile.
"Your laugh is just..." he shakes his head lightly. His words trail off, retreating as if he's made some kind of mistake.
"You know, you look great when you smile. I wish you would do it more." You glance at him before leaning back in your seat.
"I believe you've said that before."
"Well, clearly you don't hear it often enough." You reply "and anyway, I'm okay with being the person that makes you mad the most because I think I make you smile the most too."
"Really?" His tone is amused.
"I think so" you reply. You look out the window, watching the downtown city lights fade away to darkness with the occasional soft yellow lights illuminating homes. You're close to his house.
"Thanks for letting me stay with you. My apartment was getting lonely" you admit.
"It's no problem," he says "and I'm sorry you feel that way. Your welcome to call me if you need someone to talk to at any time."
"I know" you lie. In truth, you hadn't even considered the possibility that he wanted to talk to you. Why would he after what happened? It made you feel warm that he still had an interest in your emotions.
"We're here," he says as the car turns into the driveway. He turns off the car of steps out before coming to your side and opening the door. You unbuckle yourself and without words, he picks you up in his arms again.
You look up at the stars in the inky black sky, illuminated by the crescent moon. You don't look for too long before your eyes drift back down to his. They're dark brown, but you swear now and again you see a twinkle when he smiles.
He opens the door and carries you upstairs silently. He doesn't even seem winded as he trudges up the stairs with your additional weight. You walk past Jack's room, and with the door slightly ajar you see a bump under a bundle of blankets which you can only assume is him.
Hotch places you on his bed, retreating to his closet to grab one of his large shirts.
"I think before the end of the year I'm going to have worn all of your shirts," you say, taking the cloth in your hands.
"I'm okay with that. Do you need help with the dress?" He asks. You nod. He sits next to you and reaches back, quickly unzipping the dress. His hands guide it off you and you allow it to fall to the floor. He doesn't look at your body, instead of picking up the dress and turning away to allow you privacy. You find it a bit silly. You had done a lot more than see each other naked, after all.
After you dress and take off your shoes, he guides you to the bathroom and gives you an unused toothbrush and comb to use. He watches as you do your routine, not wanting to overstep by helping but staying close enough to be sure you were alright.
When you're done, he leads you back to the bed, pulling the covers down for you. You settle in and lay down against your pillow. before he puts the comforter back over you.
"You don't have to tuck me in" you tease.
He just hums, continuing to situate you until you seem comfortable enough. In truth, it was adorable to see him fret over you.
He turns off the light before getting in his side of the bed. This time, you are the one to flip over and hold onto him. You put one arm under his back and one arm over his chest, pulling yourself close. He tenses for a moment but relaxes before responding by putting his arms around you.
"Goodnight," you say gently. Before he can respond, you place a light kiss on his cheek. This seems to silence him and you place your head back on his chest, hearing his heartbeat increase.
"Goodnight, y/n," he says, and the baritone in his voice makes you shiver.
__________
Hey guys!
So I'm really sorry this one took me longer than normal to put out but I didn't want to continue until I was super dedicated to sitting down and writing. Also, this chapter is super long; I think it's the first one I've written that's over 4000 words.
Anyways,
I hope you all enjoyed this chapter! The next one might be a bit spicy. Please vote and comment!
Much love,
-s