I will love you all-consumingly, or I will love no one.
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Wei Ying
It had been a few days since the first snow, but Lan Zhan never tried to contact me. I guess I should be happy, but miserably, I've been checking my phone repeatedly, trying to figure out if he got my number, or if he has gone for good, and then I'll start to wonder what the hell I was doing when I thought I'll get through this.
I've kept on telling myself that I'm doing what's best for him, the right thing. Because staying with me will only complicate certain things in his life; mostly his engagement, if the media finds out that we're in touch again. I just didn't understand why the 'right thing' always had to be . . . this.
But,
When I came out of the elevator of my apartment block this evening—a bit later than usual—Lan Zhan was standing in front of my door, taking me by surprise.
He was leaning on the wall right next to the door—head hung down with his hands in his pockets, in a black suit and a warm coat on top of it. His hair was a bit ruffled as if it was styled, then messed up on purpose; he was giving me a perfect side view of himself, which was the last thing that could help right now.
Just by the fact that he was here certain euphoric feeling blooms in me; I inwardly curse at it.
Judging by his look, he was here for some time. I just couldn't understand why he takes so much trouble for something pointless.
"I thought I told you to call me before coming," I tell him as I approach the door. "I was busy today."
"Now you're here." He blankly replies. "Where were you?"
"Why do you care?"
"I thought I told you I do." He feeds my words back at me. "You met with your sister." He says, eying the package of food I was carrying.
Did he look . . . relieved?
I sigh as I open the door and let him in. I'm tired of acting, I don't know if I have it in me to yell him away in front of my door.
"You seem to have met with your fiancé," I say, countering him, concluding from the way he was dressed. I look him in the eye, knowing that he never lies.
"I did." He admits.
I smirk. "What do you want to drink?" I ask as I move towards the kitchen island.
"You always knew what I'd say," he says and that pang I suppressed comes out again.
Now I understand why Ruo rejected me that day. I don't want to be a second option. What I still can't believe is, the same person who once brought the best out of me wants me to be one.
"What do you feel when you remember those times Lan Zhan?" I ask.
I didn't turn to look, but the silence clearly showed his hesitation. "I want to live in the future we wished to have." I hear him reply in a thin voice, and my heart—I admit—skips a beat.
But the reality, the damned reality, is fucked up than that. That's what makes me say, "Too bad. I regret it all."
Either he believed it or didn't, I'm once again answered by silence.
I stay there with my back facing him for a while. When I turn around, he was standing just a few inches away from me, looking into my eyes. I look away –they were my dead giveaway to him. He leans in and I reflexively step back, only to be trapped between the table and his body.
And then he rests his forehead against mine; every inch of my body was screaming to put my arms around him. He knew what that gesture means to me, he knew it way too well.
Defeated, I let my eyes close and breathe him in. He as always smelled like sandalwood and magically, him.
He leans down and kisses me, gently and slowly. My lips start responding to it immediately as if it was second nature to them. I would be lying through my teeth, but my body doesn't hold back; I lose control the moment his touch lands on me. Lan Zhan always did that to me, giving me the feeling that he owns me, both body and soul.
I keep my eyes closed when he pulls away feeling his intense gaze on me.
"How long are you going to lie to me Wei Ying?" he asks.
I look into his eyes, trying to figure out what he wanted. There was a plea in there, asking me to give in, to be his again.
I sigh. Placing my hand on his chest, I push him away.
"I'm going to lie to you till you stop coming to me."
He opens his mouth to say something, but no, he shouldn't talk. If I hear a single excuse from him, I'll throw my reasoning away in a second. So I snap, "What else do you expect, Lan Zhan?"
"From the day I left you in that hospital, I've been trying to let go, to reason how much it hurt just to leave you like that." I didn't realize that I was crying till he reached for my face to wipe a tear.
"But I couldn't. Every time I tried to be with someone, I couldn't stop comparing them to you. I tried, fuck, I tried. It was all falling apart, I was falling apart. Then I gave up . . . on love, on settling down . . . marriage . . . That was all I could do to stay sane, Lan Zhan."
"And now you're here asking me to start over when you've already started a new life like it doesn't even matter," I speak trying to stop the shakiness of my voice. But it breaks, and I give up. "Just . . . what do you want from me? I can't take it, Lan Zhan. I can't love you just to lose you all over again."
He tenderly cups my face and kisses my forehead taking me by surprise. "I'm here to stay." He says.
Lan Zhan
Earlier that day
The entire world around me seemed to be alive.
There was the aroma of various dishes, the soft murmur of ongoing conversations, an occasional clash of silverware; things that seemed to be genuine. Due to a silent desperate need of getting away from here, I let my mind wander, how many of the people in this fine dining restaurant actually mean what they do?
Because I did not.
From my appearance to the reason why I'm here, I am not myself. My hair is styled; I don't like the stiff feeling it had. I am clad in black attire—the least of my choice of colors; I suppose Wei Ying would look better in this. I am expected to play a certain role, and I hate this role, it feels . . . grim
As for my purpose—
"We finally meet, Lan Wangji." I hear a woman's voice behind me.
I look up and find the heir of the G-group, whom I'm supposed to wed approaching my table with a bodyguard next to her. Zhi Lynn instructs him to stay outside before taking a seat in front of me.
This was the first time we met in person. So far, I've only seen pictures of her, that too only when uncle suddenly dropped a file about her on my table and said, 'You'll be engaged to her, have a look'. It was followed by a PowerPoint and factsheets, all provided by his media team. Now I can recite her favorite drink, her usual evening plans—but, why would it matter?
"You look even more handsome in person." She remarks giving a well-rehearsed smile.
I nod, acknowledging the compliment. Wei Ying was correct; she was pretty.
She orders a bottle of wine and I refuse my glass.
After we've settled a silence spreads between us. I've never been one to keep up small talk, and Lynn seemed to expect that from me.
I might have at least tried, but today, I couldn't see the purpose to do. Me, this date neither of us planned, her smile—this is all a setup. A setup I can't find the meaning of.
I take a deep breath. "I want to break off this engagement," I tell her.
She holds her glass on her lips for a few seconds. "They said you were direct, but this . . . it's certainly more than I expected." Keeping the glass on the table, she crosses her arms. "Way to break a girl's heart, Lan Wangji." She comments.
I avert my gaze, realizing that I was too harsh. "I'm sorry."
"Say, now that you're in China, did you meet your old boyfriend?" she asks, making me raise my head in surprise.
Then it occurs. "You checked my background."
"Of course. I was supposed to 'marry' you after all. Your uncle deserves a load of credits for his efforts to keep it a secret, by the way. I dug deep, but still couldn't find his identity."
"But you came?"
She purses her lips, takes the glass back to her hand. "That... well, I have a few reasons." She twirls the glass in her hand. "One is, I can't straight up say no to my father when he took the trouble to arrange this. And two, I came here with the same intention. I want to break it off too."
"You . . . do?"
She sighs. "See, I'm engaged—for real, I mean. My father doesn't know about it. Actually, I was going to tell him but then this came up . . . I didn't want to refuse straight to his face." She lets out a sad chuckle. "He's getting old, he just wants me to be happy."
"I understand." I actually did. I open my mouth again, trying to find the words to voice my request.
"Don't worry," she says, following up my thoughts. "I'll talk to father and make sure this doesn't affect business matters."
I nod in appreciation. "Thank you."
"I wonder . . ." she starts, in a confused tone. "If your Uncle knows what you feel, why did he set this up?" she inquires.
I stay silent.
"No, I'm sorry I shouldn't have asked." she quickly adds.
I wish had an answer for it.
Extra:
A bit from Lan Wangji today...
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