Disappointment and rejection.
Xiao Zhan has felt this time and time again over the course of his journey as an artist, but his consolation had always been that it was part of the fire that he had to go through to become refined.
He had eventually become gold, however what he realized was that no matter how seemingly valuable it was, gold would never be anything more than a commodity.
A thing... rather than a person.
An object, now worthy enough to be used, abused and discarded by the world at will.
This realization had been crushing, because it had made all the effort that he had put in up till that moment seem pointless. Every blood, sweat and tear shed.
And this, had been the darkest depth that he had sunk to.
So he had retreated back into himself and back into doing the things that he wanted, just for the simple pleasure of it.
But then he had watched Yibo dance, along with the little group of people that loved, shared and cherished the passion like nothing else.
And his soul had once again come alive.
Back in March, he had managed to convince himself that if the worse came to worst, he would be content enough to just paint and sing for his sole pleasure.
However Yibo had nudged him towards the script, and he had fallen in love all over again.
He'd gotten up and dove back in, convincing himself that the craft was more important than the woes it's accolades brought, so as long as he still received the opportunities, then he was going to make the most of it.
However now, and as he sets out on the road once again to continue on his journey to Chongqing, he cannot help but return to that dark place where everything seems pointless and unimpressionable. And this is the state that terrifies him the most.
Because having everything mean absolutely nothing, is the clear indication that his soul is once again bleeding.
He had been lucky. The previous wound in March although excruciating, had been manageable enough, and was clotted by his retreat away from the public eye.
But now that he has been slashed open once again, he truly wonders what will keep him afloat this time.
This makes him think of Yibo, and as a result, his mind cannot help but go to the question Nini had asked him.
Are you sure? About him and what you feel for him?
He realizes now, that he hadn't exactly given her a response, but at the time, no major doubt had come into his mind either. Now however, he cannot help but wonder about the underlying question that she had truly been asking. What she had most probably stopped herself from voicing out.
Did he truly love Yibo, or was he just the antiseptic that Xiao Zhan was choosing to hold on to this time around?
In case all else failed... he would still have Yibo, right?
It would not all have been for nothing, right?
He cannot help but think of this now as he drives, because he'd forgotten just how much being tossed away, hurt.
To be attacked was painful in its own right, but the finality of being disposed of was incomparable.
Thus, receiving the report today that he has been considered unworthy due to the risk that he poses to the show's production, has brought him back to this dark place, and it is quite stunning to see that in the midst of it, all he can think of is Yibo.
And of the fix that only Yibo can give to him, just like he had the previous night.
Something about it all suddenly feels tainted to him, and this makes him feel more discomfort that he ever has.
Perhaps it is because he doesn't want Yibo to ever feel like he currently does, only as valuable as an object, to be used and discarded at will.
This makes him think back to the moment that he'd made the decision to give in to Yibo, and as a result Yibo's words come to mind.
"I don't want to go back. From now on it's either I go forward with you, or we end it."
This had made him realize that it was too late for himself and Yibo to ever go back to being, just friends. Despite what he had promised him about erasing the line.
"Fuck" he curses under his breath, as he realizes now that last night was once again, another detour.
He had pushed aside processing Yibo's admission of his inactions to him, but now, he can no longer do so.
Because no matter how intense the passion that burned between them was, his confidence in his love for Yibo would always be shaky because deep down, he would always wonder if Yibo deserves it.
Perhaps Yibo knew this, so perhaps that was why he had been so remorseful the previous night. And humbled.
Humbled that despite Xiao Zhan's anger, which Yibo had thought to be impenetrable, he had still chosen to return to him, and to kiss him, and to express his love to him.
Perhaps this was what had brought down Yibo's walls, and made him feel safe enough to crumble in his arms. Because he realized that he was with someone who cared just as much as he did. Who was just as affected as he was.
"I don't fucking deserve you."
Yibo had said this to him afterwards, as though voicing out what he expected that Xiao Zhan also thought. But Xiao Zhan had refused to acknowledge it which of course made Yibo begin to wonder if perhaps he was truly bad for him.
"You're not going to stop until I completely destroy you, are you?"
Perhaps if he had just acknowledged Yibo's remorse, then perhaps Yibo wouldn't be too worried that he was becoming irrational.
This makes him nervous as he begins to question himself. Was everyone right, including his father? Had he truly become too irrational? What bothers him more is what this irrationality is based on. What this seemingly irrational refusal to even consider pushing Yibo out of his life is about.
Is it truly love, or an addiction?
To the high that only Yibo seems to be able to bring to him, especially at such a dark moment in his life.
"I don't deserve you."
Xiao Zhan recalls now that Yibo had also said this to him prior ... on the phone... earlier that day. When Yibo had tried to draw a new line between them. However he hadn't listened. He'd refused to listen.
That was indeed irrational, so now he decides to ponder on this.
Is Yibo right? That he is truly unworthy of him?
He ponders on Yibo's words and wonders now what he could've truly meant by them. This also makes him realize that since Yibo had said it twice, and both times in the midst of different circumstances, then perhaps the admission wasn't as light as he had assumed.
He tries to think now on the possible underlying meanings between both of these similar statements, and does come up with a few suspicions, but short of asking Yibo directly he can again only assume. He considers calling him but so far, he and Yibo trying to resolve anything over the phone has always proved fruitless.
However, he cannot put these concerns off his mind so he decides to call the one other person that he hopes will be able to provide some measure of clarification.
He keeps driving as he ponders on the best way to approach this as inconspicuously as possible, and the moment he figures it out, he gives her a call.
It is just a little bit past noon now, so he is hopeful that perhaps she will be on her lunch break and able to spare him a little time.
He dials the number, and it only rings a few times before and to his relief, she answers it.
"Xiao Zhan?" her soft voice fills the car, and in response his nerves tighten anxiously.
"Mei li," he replies.
She gasps slightly.
"Really?"
He cannot help but feel slightly guilty at her surprise.
"I'm sorry ," he tries to laugh it off. "I must really not call enough for you to be this surprised."
She laughs at this, and her voice soothes him because it reminds him of much simpler times, when they had been very close friends.
"Not at all," she says. "I'm surprised because you don't call at all. We haven't spoken on the phone in years."
This doesn't seem right to him, as he cocks his head in thought.
"I spoke to you a few days ago, and on my birthday even."
"Through a text," she points out. "And in person. From time to time. It's been years since there was an actual phone call between us."
"Oh," he realizes the truth in her words. "I'm sorry."
"You don't have to be. I haven't called you either. But this makes me very curious now as to why you called."
At this, he inhales deeply and for a moment, reconsiders the question that he wants to ask her. Eventually, he decides to just go ahead with it."
"I have something to ask you about."
"Alright."
"Do you have time now?"
"I was just about to respond to some emails, but I can push them away for a while."
"No lunch today?" he asks and she laughs.
"Nope. I'm on a diet. Intermittent fasting."
"Oh alright," he smiles and goes silent.
"Xiao Zhan," she nudges, so he clears his throat and orders his thoughts.
"It's um ... it's a question relating to a relationship between two people. So I hope that this will not be too uncomfortable for me to speak to you about."
"Of course not," she says.
"Alright," he nods. "So, one of them did something wrong to the other."
"Okay."
"And in admitting it he says, 'I don't deserve you. I know that this could be his remorse speaking but I'm just wondering if there is some other underlying meaning behind it. Especially since later on, he repeated the same statement- 'I don't fucking deserve you.' But the circumstances were different so it makes me wonder if the offended partner is possibly overlooking something."
"Oh,'" she says."So what's the circumstance of the first admission? Why did he say that? Was he trying to apologize?"
"No, he wasn't. He was trying to end the relationship."
"Oh. And the second? This happened much later on right?"
"Yes it did. And it happened when his partner sort of refused to let him go."
"Oh. Hm."
She goes silent so he waits patiently as she ponders on this.
"Why did his partner refuse to let him go? Did she forgive him?"
At the mention of a she, he is a little jarred, but when he realizes that this means that she is probably not connecting this to him, it gives him relief.
"Not exactly," he replies. "It's not an offense that can be so easily forgiven."
"Because the consequences were detrimental?"
He thinks of his family and of himself, and of the months since then of abject pain.
"Yeah," he breathes.
"Hm, so why did she refuse to let him go then?'
He doesn't have an answer for this, so it makes him begin to wonder just why he cannot let Yibo go? And why he's never successfully been able to.
Mei Li suggests one. "She loves him too much?"
At this, Xiao Zhan scoffs. "Isn't that irrational? Isn't that obsession?"
"Maybe, but it's still a choice. Maybe the pain of separation is far greater for her?"
His sigh is heavy. "But under such circumstances isn't separation the best way to go?"
"Not necessarily. I mean, is he willing to make up for it? Is it even possible to make up for it, since you said that the offense was detrimental?"
He sighs again. "Isn't giving him the chance to make up for it being too lenient?"
"I don't think so. I mean, we are meant to be lenient with the people that we love aren't we? So... is it possible to make amends?"
Xiao Zhan's voice is small. "Maybe."
"Is he willing to make amends?"
"I don't know. All he said was, 'I don't deserve you."
"Hm. But was that out of remorse, or resignation... or even nonchalance? I think I need a bit more time to consider this."
"No," Xiao Zhan refuses. "Keep going. What do you mean by remorse, or resignation or nonchalance?"
"Well, resignation and nonchalance are at the extreme end of the spectrum so these are straightforward. With resignation he has given up on even trying to fix things since he doesn't have any hope that it will be effective, while with nonchalance, well... yikes. He simply has no interest in fixing anything."
"And what about remorse?" Xiao Zhan asks.
"Hm... remorse is good. But then it's easy to be remorseful for something. What's more important is how he intends to make amends. This is the grey area because with making amends, he could be either selfish or selfless, and the problem with this is that they're both noble."
At this, Xiao Zhan feels a headache overwhelm him.
"What?"
She laughs.
"What I mean is, being willing to do whatever it takes to fix things so that he doesn't lose her is noble, especially since it could be perilous for him but, it is still selfish. And in the same vein, truly believing that he is undeserving of her and thus willing to be selfless enough to take the loss and step away, is also noble isn't it? So the most important question now is what does she want? Does she want him to be selfish or selfless? Or does she just want to torment him by not forgiving him and yet not letting him go?"
Xiao Zhan doesn't know how to answer this, so he moves along.
"What about the second circumstance? When she refused to let him go and he said 'I don't fucking deserve you."
"Well, within the context of nonchalance, him saying that to her is a clear warning that she needs to pay attention to because it could be an easy way out due to genuine disinterest. People sometimes say this to get out of a relationship guilt free by elevating their partner and taking on the fault of inadequacy.
Within the context of resignation, his insistence could be because he truly believes that he is not worthy of her. Perhaps because the offense is truly horrible, possibly much more than what she is even aware of. In this case she also needs to listen, and believe him.
And then we have remorse... the good ground. I think that at this point he feels gratitude, for the mercy he is receiving since she is refusing to let him go. But then the problem is still not fixed because she needs to decide what she wants.
So I ask you again. Does she know what she wants?"
Xiao Zhan remains silent for a while before he responds. "She doesn't want to torment him. That much I know."
"Okay, but we also know that she doesn't want to let him go. So my question now is are things truly unfixable?"
This pulls a quiet but bitter laugh out of Xiao Zhan. "Aren't we going around in circles?"
Mei Li laughs at this too.
"You're right. Okay, lets approach this from a different angle then. His intent, rather than his actual actions. Does she truly believe that his intent was bad? And that he made the conscious decision to hurt her?"
At this, Xiao Zhan feels a new path opening up in his mind.
"Hm. Intent."
"Yes," Mei Li says. "There is a difference between tripping over a dog and intentionally kicking the dog, and since she has refused to let him go, this makes me suspect that perhaps the former is the case? That maybe deep down she believes in him enough to know that his intent could not have been to outrightly hurt her? Has she asked him about this?"
Xiao Zhan sighs. "No, she hasn't."
"Then that's what she needs to do. When you love someone, you cannot only look at their actions. To me at least, their intent is more important. But then the problem with figuring out intent is that people lie. They're not as incontestable as actions."
"Yeah," Xiao Zhan breathes.
"So, does she trust him enough not to lie?"
Xiao Zhan thinks of Yibo. "Yeah."
"Alright then. Problem solved."
She seems confident, but he feels anything but.
"What if she's still unable to let him go, even after learning that his intent was to hurt her?"
"Well, that sounds like obsession. Not love. And it is a recipe for disaster. Unless he is truly willing to do whatever it takes to make it up to her. Then I say that he is deserving of forgiveness. I mean, we're all human, and sometimes we make mistakes with our eyes wide open only to discover that the consequences are too hard to bear."
At this, Xiao Zhan feels an overwhelming fear come over him as he realizes what his real dread all along has been; finding out that the true intent behind Yibo willingly closing his eyes, covering his ears and shutting his mouth to the possibility that his company was behind the attacks against him, was because Yibo had also seen him as a competition and a detriment to his path.
If this was the case, then the only way for Yibo to truly show his contrition and earn his forgiveness would be for him to go after his company on his behalf.
The people that he had worked with since he was a child.
This would inadvertently mean Yibo's destruction as well because it would be impossible for him to escape unscathed.
The reasons for all his detours now is clear to him. Why bother addressing a wound when it has festered to the point were the only possible solution is in an amputation?
A terrible chill grips him.
"Thank you Mei Li," he says, and she responds."Anyime."
But then he has one more question for her.
"Before you go, is there such a thing as using someone as an antiseptic?"
"In what sense?"
"As an escape from other painful things happening in your life?"
"Of course!"
"Oh... is it wrong?"
"Of course not!" she laughs. "Everyone that I love in my life is an antiseptic. That's what they're there for, amongst other things of course. What makes it wrong though is when that is all that they're there for. When beyond treating your wounds, you have no other use for them. That's abuse."
"Oh," he replies.
She laughs again. "Yeah,"
He feels even more fear now as he wonders if that was simply what he did to Yibo the previous night? Perhaps sleeping with Yibo was a mistake, just as he had suspected it would be. Because how dare he do that and then not consider forgiving him if his intent in the past does turn out to be willful ignorance due to the received benefits, or even outright ill will.
"Ah," he realizes now. This was what he wanted. To be stuck. For things to be as irreversible as was possible between them. The perfect recipe for a disaster.
"Thank you Mei Li," he says.
"You're welcome," she replie s, and after a few more felicitations, the call comes to an end.
His heart weighs heavy with remorse.
He should never have gone back down the stairs. And he should never have connected so intimately with Yibo without first resolving things between them.
Despite all of this contrition however, he cannot bring himself to regret a single moment of their night together.
How can he?
However, it was incredibly selfish and almost downright abusive, especially since he was well aware that Yibo would have never been able to refuse him.
He keeps driving further, his mind now filled with thoughts of the best way to go about things with Yibo.
Eventually, he decides to call him.
For a moment, he suspects that perhaps Yibo is still in Yichang, but he doesn't think that this is likely since he'd told him the previous night that he had dance practice in Beijing.
Nevertheless, he pulls up Yibo's number and without any further delays, places the call.
His grip on the steering wheel dampens with sweat as he waits for the line to connect, and soon it does.
"Ge," Yibo's voice comes through, and he immediately notices that Yibo doesn't include his name. So he speaks a bit more cautiously since this means that he is presently with company.
"Yibo, can you speak now? Are you busy?"
"Excuse me," Xiao Zhan hears him say to whomever he is with, and then there is a stretch of silence.
A little while later, and Yibo finally speaks again.
"Zhan ge, I'm sorry. I arrived back in Beijing quite late this morning so I had to rush straight to dance practice. I just got a break now but I had to go meet with a few of the organizers from the single's day event."
"Oh," Xiao Zhan replies, his heart slightly deflating. "You've left Yichang."
"Yeah, I left with the first flight. I would have texted you but I was worried that you would still be asleep. You mentioned that you were having trouble sleeping yesterday so I didn't want to disturb you."
"I understand," Xiao Zhan replies. "Thank you."
"Why are you saying thank you to me?" he hears Yibo's smile. "You sound so formal."
Xiao Zhan too smiles in response. Yibo goes on.
"We can be a little bit less formal with each other right?" His voice lowers. "Especially after ... last night."
Xiao Zhan is amused. "What do you mean? When haven't we been informal with each other?"
"I guess you're right," Yibo concedes, and Xiao Zhan cannot help but laugh again. However it is filled with so much dread and bitterness that it soon disappears from his face.
"After your performance can we meet up?" he asks.
"Of course," Yibo breathes. "I'm planning to take a break after it's done. I have a lot of things to sort out."
Xiao Zhan has an inkling of what this could possibly mean, but he doesn't pursue it.
Instead, his gaze cannot help going to the rearview mirror for a glance at the back of the van. He can almost see the both of them, the image clear and vivid in his mind of them fucking in the dark. He can still hear Yibo's panting in his ears, feel the painful grip of his hair... his glazed eyes... and the erotic sounds that their bodies had made as they had feverishly rammed into each other.
What he wouldn't give now to be in that state with him once again.
Antiseptic, the bothersome word comes into his mind and it wrenches him back to the bleakness of their current reality.
"How do you feel, by the way?" he cannot help but ask.
"I would usually be more nervous but at this point I just want to-"
Yibo pauses as he comes to the realization that he is giving the wrong response.
Xiao Zhan can also not help smiling as he settles more comfortably into the seat, his heart growing wings.
"You're not nervous about your performance?" he asks, but Yibo doesn't let him change the topic.
"You were asking about last night."
"Yeah," he admits softly.
"I'm sore," Yibo's voice lowers dangerously. "Incredibly sore. And I definitely can't move the way that I normally do. I was teased about it at practice this morning."
Xiao Zhan breathes out a laugh at this. "I'm sorry."
"For what?" Yibo says. "Last night was the fucking best night of my life. I can't stop thinking about it."
Neither can I, Xiao Zhan wants to say but he holds himself back. Instead he lets out a sigh and Yibo goes silent. It makes him wonder for a moment if Yibo reads into every bit of his nuances just like he does to his.
It is exhausting and nerve wracking, and it makes him truly wonder now if there will ever come the day when it will be unnecessary for either of them to hold back or nervously gauge the other's reactions before speaking.
"Ge," Yibo eventually calls. "Where do you want us to meet up after my performance? You will be back to Shanghai to resume filming by then right?"
Xiao Zhan doesn't know how to respond to this question. He can hear the worry in Yibo's tone, and after the previous night, he realizes now just how much his guilt cuts deep. The last thing he wants right now is for Yibo to wallow in concern rather than focus on training for his crucial upcoming performance, so he decides to temporalily withhold the truth. This will thus mean that he has to quickly place a call to Nini after this to ask the director to allow him a few more days to consider personally issuing a statement on his loss of the role. He grows nervous as he hopes that he is not too late.
"I'll be in Chongqing for a few days and then I'll fly back to Shanghai," he quickly responds to Yibo. "I'll call you the day after your performance to confirm my location. Will you be able to come meet me?"
"Of course," Yibo responds.
"Alright," Xiao Zhan replies. "We really need to talk so try your best to keep your schedule clear for that day."
At this statement, Yibo suddenly goes quiet.
"Oh. W-what do you want to talk me about?" Yibo asks, and Xiao Zhan doesn't miss the slight shakiness of his voice.
He sighs.
"We haven't really talked about all the things that we should Yibo. We've never really had time to thoroughly address things so I want us to do this as soon as possible."
Once again, Yibo goes silent.
"I'll call you tonight," Yibo suddenly says. "The moment I get home from practice. We can talk over the phone."
Xiao Zhan is hesistant. "I think it's better if we do this face to face."
"Maybe, but I don't think I can wait till after my performance."
Xiao Zhan understands his impatience, but he doesn't exactly know what the outcome of the conversation will be, and the last thing he wants is for it to mess up Yibo's focus.
He also however doesn't want to currently argue with him.
"Alright, let's discuss this further when you get home."
"Zhan ge," Yibo calls again. "I don't think I can wait till tonight either. Let's just do it now."
"Yibo," he calls in warning.
"Just ask me whatever you want to ask me. I'll give you straight answers."
Xiao Zhan is insistent on refusing this idea. "Yibo, I -"
"Zhan ge please. Let's just address things now otherwise I won't be able to function. I'll be too worried."
It takes him a little while, but Xiao Zhan finally concedes.
"Alright," Xiao Zhan says and wonders then where to start from. He is not prepared he realizes, as he had hoped that he would have the time to further ponder on this.
"You admitted to me that you had your suspicions about your company? That perhaps they were the ones behind the attacks against me, right?"
"Hm," Yibo replies.
At this, Xiao Zhan realizes that he cannot keep driving so he glances into the rearview mirror and begins to navigate the car to the side of the road.
"Just a moment," he tells Yibo. "I want to stop for a bit."
"Alright."
It takes about half a minute, and then he is ready to dive right back in with Yibo.
"Alright, my question for you is why you didn't bother looking into it?"
The moment the words leave his lips, Xiao Zhan cannot help but hold his breath especially as Yibo goes completely silent.
This makes him realize now more than ever, just how much of his life from now henceforth is riding on this moment. So he cannot believe that he had agreed to have this discussion from the inside of a fucking vehicle.
He immediately begins to regret it. "Yibo, let's have this discussion later on when you're home."
"No," Yibo croaks. "I'll just respond now."
Xiao Zhan listens, his heart in his throat as Yibo releases a heavy, shaky breath and then begins.
"I didn't look into it because at the time, it was easier to look away.
I did ask my manager once but of course she wasn't going to say anything, and to an extent I didn't think that she was aware.
The only person that would be is our company's head, and I didn't want to bring such a blatant accusation to her face. So as everyone advised would be best, even for you, I just stayed out of it hoping that it would all die down and things would get better. But then it got worse ... and then you cut me off.
I felt that by then it was too late, so I sort of resigned myself to things being the way that they were but then as time went on, I became increasingly miserable.
He scoffs. "From the viewpoint of everyone so many good things were happening to me, especially with you out of the picture but, I felt so unhappy. Most things seemed pointless and as time went on, it all just started to feel like a curse. And above all what I couldn't stand was the fact that it had seemingly come at the price of your fall.
But I couldn't complain to anyone, especially you. I couldn't even reach you so, I just thought to suck it up and move on with my life. But then after the racing accident, I sort of broke.
And so I came to you.
To me, racing was the one thing that I did that didn't require anyone else. Not their judgement, or their critique or their input. It was a direct and incontestable measure of my ability so every win was priceless. But then that day, and especially as it seemed by that point that the world had taken over my life, I realized that people were going to ruin this for me too. They were going to taint it with their attack and hostility, just like they had done everything else.
I crashed and... I just broke because I realized that it was the last escape that I had been holding on to.
And it hurt because... it all just felt so empty. I realized then that I didn't want my life to be about constantly escaping into things.
Out of everyone in the world and in that moment, I wanted you to be there. I wanted to escape into you... and I wanted to tell you about how devastated I felt.
About how angry I was... and about how much I wanted to kill that fucking bastard!
Especially when I saw him celebrating with his crew, when he had caused my fall and nearly killed me.
I wanted you to console me ... and to remind me that it was just a race. That it really didn't matter. Funny enough you did tell me this when I got to your apartment. But then you said, 'there is more to life' and I just... I wanted to die. Because I could see it in your eyes that you truly thought that the race was all I was concerned about. But it wasn't. It was tearing me apart inside that because I didn't have you, losing a mere race was enough for me to feel as though my entire world was crumbling. It hurt so much because I had had you in the past, and I knew what it was like to be by your side, and no win from a race has ever compared to that.
All of our memories came back to mind... of the joy and the laughter and the fights, and how enamored I was with you...in every single way. How much peace I felt with you, and how connected I'd felt to you. No one and nothing in this world had ever made me feel that way and yet... I'd given it up.
I'd given you up... and for what?
I realized then that more than anything else in the entire world, I wanted to have you by my side.
It's pretty selfish isn't it?
Xiao Zhan remains silent, but the one thing that strikes him the most out of all of this is just how similar it is to how he has felt.
Out of everything that had happened back then and kept happening, he remembers that soon enough the gravity of it all soon began to fade away. And then all he could think about were the happy time's with Yibo, and how he would never have those again. Because he had cut him off.
It made him start to wonder if he had done the right thing, but then this uncontrollable resentment for Yibo would rise up and he would convince himself that he was better off without him.
That their relationship and connection had been nothing but a small moment in time. Destined to pass away and not precious enough to sustain.
Sometimes he had felt so disappointed and enraged at this conclusion, but then at the end of the episode, he would lift his gaze to stare out into the night, and almost hear Yibo calling out to him from somewhere in the apartment.
Zhan ge.
Zhan ge.
He'd felt haunted, but eventually he'd managed to convince himself that none of it mattered. That Yibo didn't matter... until that motorcycle crash.
He remembered being shaken to his very core at the horror that Yibo was hurt, and how quickly he had hurried to dial his number.
But then he had remembered that they both weren't friends anymore, and his heart had shattered.
He'd never felt so helpless and desolate, that all he could do was scout through the news for whatever updates he could find to ensure that Yibo was alright.
And then Yibo had appeared at his door.
"Zhan ge," Yibo calls him back to the present, and he blinks away the tears that have gathered in his eyes.
"I do love you, with all of my heart but I know that I have also been very selfish. And that I have not protected you the way that I should have.
I guess the right thing to do now after admitting this will be to back away but, I don't know if I'm able to do that unless you explicitly tell me to.
I've tried to, over and over again but it all just keeps coming back to you, and how if I had the chance to do it all over again, I'd choose you.
But what I can't convince myself of is that I am the best option for you. Because every time I come into the picture, it seems as though all the attacks just come straight for you. Now that it is becoming clear to me that most of them have been orchestrated, I want to delve into it to figure out what exactly is going on. I want to protect you in every single way that I can. I just don't know if I am worthy of this chance because now that I am willing to do it, it just seems selfish.
That I am only willing to act now because I have realized that it will serve me more than all the other things that I thought I wanted. It hurts me that you hurting and being attacked, wasn't enough to get me to do anything. But then when I was the one who had fallen and was hurting, I had the audacity to come to you.
Meanwhile when you fell and you were hurt... you had to bear it all alone.
I hate that it took me so long to realize just how much you meant to me, and I hate even more the fact that I feel that I will a lways be somewhat of a disadvantage to you.
He sighs.
"Zhan ge, this is what I feel, and this is what I didn't know how to put into words yesterday. Or p erhaps I didn't even want to put it into words because none of it is reason enough for me to have looked away when you needed me the most. And even now, by insisting on being with you, it feels like once again all I'm thinking about is myself and what is best for me.
I want you with all of my heart, but I also can't help but wonder now about what this will do for you? How much it will cost you, and... how far we can really even go?
After this, Yibo goes quiet and so does he.
Every single thought deserts him, except the one that makes him truly consider for the first time, that perhaps he can live without Yibo. That perhaps it might be better for the both of them to be without the other.
The very thought causes a severe pain to grip his heart, but because of the distance, it seems somewhat bearable.
So he sighs again, and clears his throat so that he can speak.
"Alright," he says. "I've heard you."
And afterwards, he has nothing else to say.
But both of them are unwilling to end the call, because more than any other time, this calm... speaks of a finality that neither of them desire, but now seems to be their only option moving forward.
"Zhan ge," Yibo calls. "I love you."
And at this, the tears burst from Xiao Zhan's eyes.
"I really do."
Xiao Zhan tries his best to keep silent, but then Yibo crushes his heart even more and speaks again.
"Thank you," he adds. "You've indulged me, and cared for me and loved me like no one else ever has. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me."
"Yibo," Xiao Zhan forces himself to speak then. "I'll call you back."
And with that... he puts an end to the call.
Notes:
This chapter took three completely different drafts and four days of despair to write, and this is because the story once again drifted away from my outline.
After the second day, I felt bad about missing the update schedule and ignoring my other duties, but by the third day, the bigger problem became that I was about to throw this entire novel as well as my writing aspirations away 😂
I felt so frustrated at not knowing why my intuition had thrown the entire storyline I had laid out for this story into the garbage.
Things weren't meant to happen in this way, but last night I finally figured it out, so we're back to posting.
I share this with you not to complain but because I am just so fascinated at writing, and life, and people and emotions. I've learnt so much with this story, especially at how plot always has to move aside for the truth. This little rant might only mean something to my fellow writers here, but every time I'm astounded in this way, I truly want to share it.
This experience also makes me appreciate this kind of web novel format more than writing full novels and publishing them like I did in the past. Deadlines and feedback I have come to realize, help you grow and realize things quickly, especially when the option to blow it off is not available.
I cherish this. ❤️