hiiiii. i think i could cry writing this. i missed you guys so much. it's been so, so long. i feel awful that it's been so long, but i've been hurting so much. these past seven months have been the most painful, sad, anxious/stress-filled months of my entire life. so how wonderful does it feel to be posting this. more on it later. kindly let me know of any typos/mistakes. i'm editing this at 3 am. i hope you enjoy xx
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"Can you feel the love tonight? You needn't look too far. Stealing through the night's uncertainties, love is where they are."
— Lion King
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If I had it my way, I would have added hours more to our flight. With the horizon still shaded in black and the majority of passengers fast asleep, there was nothing but having Chris's undivided attention that made me wish we were taking a trip around the world.
I couldn't quite explain it, but there was a shift in the air between us. Maybe it was subtle, but there was a shift all the same. I could feel it in the ways our bodies leaned towards each other, or the way our hands found a way to brush or hold the other. Even in the dim lighting of Chris's tablet and the singular reading light above us, I saw a soft fondness in the way Chris watched me as I took my turn on his number block app game or doodled something on a sketch app. In turn, I felt like I was looking at him the same way.
The feeling of drowsiness that blanketed me earlier at home had been yanked away the moment my eyes met his stormy blue ones. Instead, those feelings were replaced with a sense of warmth and ease. It spread throughout my body like a rich, warm drink on a bitter, frosty day. There was also an enormous surge of fluffy crush related thoughts floating in my brain, but I let them stay. I didn't care. He deserved all the awe and adoration that I was thinking but couldn't possibly say. But most of all, amongst all the silly lovey-dovey thoughts, was so much gratitude. And that, I could help but express by wrapping my arms around his left arm and resting my head on his shoulder; it was the best hug I could give him with a clunky armrest between us.
"Thank you so much," I murmured.
His hand found both of my own as his head rested on the crown of my head. "In this together, Darce."
And that's how we stayed, content and nestled against each other, until we were jolted awake by the plane touching down.
The car ride to the hotel we were staying at was a tired blur. With dark skies hiding our surrounding scenery, there wasn't much to look at except the headlights of our rental car shining down the highway. I think exhaustion had caught up to us all by the time we made our way up to our room, as there was little conversation between the four of us as we got ready for bed and promptly fell asleep.
The plush pillows of the hotel bed were heavenly. So much so that when I awoke the next morning, I nestled deeper into them. Annoyingly, there was a beam of sunlight that was sneaking its way between a curtain billowing in the draft of the air conditioning. I scowled at it and used my hand to block the light as I opened my eyes and surveyed the room.
While the bed felt like a perfectly fine sleeping paradise to me, there was nothing else dazzling or extraordinary about our hotel room. Dark brown curtains, a desk on the far corner of the room, and a small hallway that led to the bathroom, closet, and main door. I took the bed while Chris slept on the converted, bronze-colored couch bed. Across from me was the door that led to the other bedroom that Reece and Jessica were sleeping in. However, upon blinking the sleep-induced blurriness from my vision, I noticed both the couch and the room across from me were empty. Chris's blanket and pillow had been scrunched to one end of the couch, while Reece and Jessica's bed had been somewhat neatly made.
I sat up. "Hello?" I called out. When I got no answer, I swept an arm under my pillow and retrieved my phone. There were a couple texts from the group chat, three texts from London, and a voicemail from Papa.
I'd just finished listening to Papa's good morning voicemail when I heard the sound of the door opening. My heart leapt for a second, stupidly thinking it was an intruder, when Chris rounded the corner. He was half dressed with flannel pajama pants and his usual black hoodie on top. He was looking down at his phone with a scowl that dropped as soon as he looked up and saw me awake.
"Darce!" he cried, shoving his phone in his hoodie pocket.
"Yeah, hey, good morning," I greeted, releasing my hair from its disastrous braid. "Woke up and you guys were gone. Thought you all abandoned me here."
"Sorry, I wasn't out long. Though, it looks like it was me and you that were abandoned," Chris said, taking a seat at the edge of the bed. At my confused look, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a half crumpled piece of paper. It was a flyer colored in different shades of blue with an illustration of a guitar and paintbrush meshed into one. "We're in the downtown district. This local winter music and arts festival is happening today right around here," he explained.
I nodded slowly. "Okay, and?"
"And..." Chris pulled out another thing from his hoodie pocket. I raised a brow at the hundred dollar bill he placed on my lap. "Those two ditched us and left us this flyer with a hundred bucks. On the hotel notepad, Reece had written 'have fun.'"
"What?" I exclaimed, my eyes practically bulging. "They just left us?"
How could they just leave us? We weren't here for a festival. We were here for a funeral! That was all being held tomorrow, but where the hell did those two go?
I pulled out my phone and called Jessica immediately. She picked up after the second ring. "Good morning, Darce!" she greeted in her usual sunshine tone.
"Good morning? Jessica, where did you and Reece go?" I asked her incredulously. "You just up and left me and Chris here at the hotel?"
"Oh, sorry about that. Well, Reece ended up having to drive a couple hours away to a different city and pick someone up. Her flight had gotten canceled and she wasn't going to make it on time otherwise. And I'm with Josie – Sylvia's daughter, if you remember? We're running some errands and prepping for tomorrow."
I didn't fail to notice the drop of sunlight in her voice as she explained that last part. I slumped against the headboard. "I could've helped, Jessica. You didn't have to do this alone," I mumbled.
"I didn't want to drag you and Chris around for all these little errands. Especially not when Reece saw that flyer last night when we were checking in. Go have fun with Chris. It'll be nice to have this day before tomorrow."
Tomorrow.
The feeling of tears started to prickle, but I blinked it away. "Doesn't it feel... I don't know. Inappropriate to be having fun when we came here to mourn Miss Sylvi's death?"
"Oh, Darce," Jessica said softly. "We'll be sad, and we'll definitely be crying, but we won't just mourn. We'll be celebrating her."
A cord within me snapped, and this time, I didn't bother to smother the small cry that left my lips. I slumped over my knees. Chris reached out and rubbed a hand across my back.
"That's what Josie told me this morning. And thinking like that... well, I think that's going to help me get through this weekend," Jessica continued. "And besides, Darce. This is Sylvia's stomping ground. This is where she grew up. Once upon a time, she walked those same streets that the festival is being held at. So, go. Have some fun with Chris. Let Sylvia see you with a smile on your face today."
I gripped Chris's hands as it slipped into mine. I met his stormy blue eyes with my watery ones and squeezed his hand. "Okay," I whispered. "I will."
"Check it out, Darce!"
I shoved my phone into my little backpack and looked up as Chris ran over to where a black scooter was propped up against our hotel building. I smiled as a ray of sunlight illuminated the sky blue hoodie Chris opted for instead of his black one. There was a graphic covering his entire back, of an anime Chris told me about but I couldn't recall the name of, but the pop of color on him excited me all the same.
"Chris, don't! Don't be a thief," I hissed, running over to him as he mounted the black scooter.
He waved a hand. "Oh, relax. It's one of those electric scooters I've seen online before. You just put your card on this app and they'll charge you depending on distance. So we can use this baby to ride around today. See, look!"
I followed Chris's finger in the direction of a few teenage boys zipping down the crosswalk on the same electric scooters.
Huh. Cool. I became even more impressed as I watched Chris download the app and figure out all the mechanics.
"There's only one, though. Should we try and find me one?" I asked him.
"If you wanna. Or you can just..." he hesitated a bit, then smiled and extended a hand. "We can ride together. Just hold on to me?"
I flushed. Red tinged the apples of Chris's cheeks, too. It seemed the euphoric shift from last night had been replaced with shyness on both our ends. But unless I wanted to walk, there was no choice but for me to get on, for at least right now. So I nodded and held onto Chris's shoulders as I stepped onto the scooter.
"You know how to drive this thing?" I asked him wearily as Chris geared up.
He threw a look behind his shoulder at me. "Please. I was nine years old once."
And then, we sped off.
I squeaked a little at the jolt of movement and shifted one arm to Chris's waist by reflex. As nervous as I was about the two of us being on here, Chris was able to maneuver the scooter smoothly down the sidewalk, letting out the occasional "on your left" or "on your right" whenever we passed people. There was a small bite of cold in the air, especially as we picked up some speed at times. I was suddenly thankful for the tights underneath my sweater dress.
"This district is just so nice," I mused to Chris. While the buildings all looked very similar architecture and height wise, each shop or restaurant had their own customized signs, decorated windows, or colorful awnings to really make themselves stand out. We passed a park with a couple statues dotted across the green fields, and there was some sort of stage set up at the farthest end where a concert or show would be held later in the day. We spent a while scootering around, familiarizing ourselves with the area, trying to get a gist of different shops or potential food stops we wanted to check out, before we finally settled outside a smoothie place for breakfast.
"There's music starting to play. I think the festival is finally starting," I informed Chris when he came outside with our wraps and smoothies.
"Oh, yeah?" He stopped and turned his face, trying to hear the faint sound of a jazz performance ringing in the distance. "It'll be really cool to check out. I'm excited."
"I'm excited, too," I said. Maybe a little bit too excited.
It occurred to me – as I was busy being giddy holding onto Chris during our scooter ride – that today was almost going to feel like a date.
There was nothing official about it, and I'm probably just getting carried away by the tides of my ever-growing crush, but I mean come on. Just me and Chris, in a different state, scootering around a downtown district with a festival going on? I could film moments of our day today and create a cheesy romantic movie montage with the footage.
It's not like me and Chris haven't hung out alone before, but unless we were at the cafe, hanging out at each other's place, or – lately – somewhere for dance practice, we were usually with the rest of the gang.
And there was just something in the air today that was making me feel a little bold. A little less restricted. Definitely not scandalous by any means, but I was feeling a bit more willing to climb and hop over the reserved walls I'd put up for myself. I shouldn't be hasty, though. These walls were to defend against any rash decisions of acting on my crush. While I know that something had shifted, and I know that Chris felt it, too, I wasn't ready to throw all my caution to the wind.
Nonetheless, I was going to enjoy today. And I was going to imagine what Sylvia would say at what's become of the six and eight year old kids she first met us as.
As we took our time finishing up our wraps and smoothies, the streets, shops, and restaurants began to fill with couples, families, and friends here to enjoy the lovely Friday. I was eager to set off on whatever this day had in store for us.
When we finished off and I threw our trash away, I was practically skipping on my way back from the garbage can when I stopped abruptly a few paces away. Chris was looking down at his phone, scowling the same way he did when he came into the room this morning. I flinched as Chris forcefully put his phone face down on the iron table.
"Careful or you'll break the screen," I warned as I came up to him. Again, almost instantaneously, the scowl vanished and the nonchalant smile was back.
"Sorry, it was just someone from my class being annoying."
I frowned. "That sucks. Wanna talk about it?"
I sat back down, fully prepared to have a woe session, when Chris stood back up instead.
"Nah, not worth it." He emphasized his words with a nonchalant wave of his hand, grabbed my bag for me, then headed towards our scooter. End of conversation.
I narrowed my eyes at his back.
Liar, I thought. Why won't you just tell me?
I followed him anyway, deciding to press him about it later should his phone become victim to another one of his scowls. He was all genuine smiles as I stepped onto the scooter behind him and wrapped my arms around his middle. He mimicked the gesture of revving up a motorcycle.
"Let's have some fun!" And we were off again.
The sounds of the festival had grown tenfold since we sat down to eat. We were easily able to find our way to the festival where it was being held, just a couple blocks down. When we turned the corner and finally reached the location, I couldn't help but cry out in awe.
"Oh, wow! When they said festival, they weren't kidding," I said excitedly, raising my voice a notch to override the noise of the large crowds.
"I don't think we're going to be able to ride the scooter around here, so we'll have to ditch it for now." We pulled off to the side. It took Chris only a few moments to get the payment done on his phone. As I teetered on my toes, trying to take in all that was before me, I felt Chris tug open my backpack. "I'm just gonna drop my phone in here, 'kay?"
I was so ready to set off and explore all the booths that I didn't even think to question his decision and the potential secrets that lie behind it. I just took his hand and pulled him forward into the sea of booths.
The line of white tents was astoundingly long. It stretched all the way down to the end of the street where the entrance to the park was and continued on the parallel street as well. The first section of booths we found ourselves amongst were filled with different handmade crafts. There was beautiful handmade pottery, intricate blown and fused glass pieces, a variety of different jewelry, delicious smelling candles and soaps, and so much more. I could only imagine the creativity, imagination, and hard work in these creators bones. It made me feel like I lacked a single cell of creativity.
A particular colored quilt caught my attention. The colors were deep, royal shades of red, blue, and purple. It had an intricate embroidered detail on it, and I tried to imagine how it would look on our couch.
I'd put so much thought into it that I failed to notice Chris wasn't beside me anymore. I whirled around and called his name out to the crowd. I scanned the bodies, hoping to spot his bright blue hoodie amongst them, but couldn't. When I called, I was able to make out the sound of his ringtone.
In my bag.
I sighed. "Of course this would happen."
I learned at a young age that if I got separated from the person I'm with, to stay put. Assume they'll come back for you. Run through the different reasons they might have strayed from you. Maybe he just went to the restroom? Maybe something caught his eye at a different booth? I batted away the thought that maybe that "something" was another girl. So I waited.
5 minutes passed.
Then 12 minutes.
20 minutes?!
Both irritation and worry started to flare in my chest, so I decided to move.
It seemed as if the tents were separated by category because as I left the handmade crafts section, I stepped into the arts. Watercolors, oil paints, drawings, sculptures, digital art, photography. If I felt untalented before, I definitely felt it now.
In sheer desperation, I approached someone at one of the tents that had some phenomenal marine animal drawings for sale.
"Um, hi." The man turned. He was extremely tall with long brown hair pulled up into a bun and the whitest, straightest teeth I'd ever seen. He looked like he walked straight out of a Hot Topic store, but kinda in a good way. "Sorry, weird question, but have you seen a boy with blonde hair, blue eyes, and a blue hoodie by any chance?" I asked.
His smile turned cheeky. He pointed a finger at me and said, "You Chris's girl?"
I stepped back, almost as if the question landed a punch straight into my gut. "No! I mean, I'm his friend but... Never mind, just – you met him, then? Do you know where he is? We got separated and I've got his phone, so I can't exactly call him."
"Yeah, I did. Cool guy. Came by and was interested in my work. Told me he drew a little bit himself, and I sent him to my buddy Jon who's holding an audience participation drawing contest. Winner at the end of the round get's a prize."
My eyes nearly bulged out my skull. Chris? Draw?
I racked my brain, trying to recall at all if Chris was interested in art when we were younger. He's certainly not mentioned anything to me about his drawing interests since we've connected again. An underlying doom started to settle in my chest. I hope they weren't using Chris to be the "ha-ha he's so bad, it's funny" person. Worried, I demanded the directions from Fraser and set off down the street in a hurry. Chris would be at the end of it, at the stage that we saw earlier. There were numerous events being held on that stage throughout the day. During prime family hours, there would be performances from local school bands, choirs, and orchestras, as well as different audience participation contests like the one Chris was in. Later in the day, professional singers ranging of different genres would come to perform for ambiance sake, and the night would end with a concert from more "rad" bands, as Fraser from the booth put it.
The street led right to the entrance of the park. My heart was racing in my chest as I approached the crowd that had gathered near the stage.
I had to stand on my toes a bit to see over the heads, but there he was. Right on stage.
He was one of at least six other participants. All of them sat on their own stool in front of an easel with a huge sketchpad on it. A teenage boy with a camera hoisted on his shoulders was walking up and down, broadcasting the participants' progress in turn onto the projector for the audience to watch down below. I held my breath, waiting for the boy to get to Chris. His back was turned away from me, so I couldn't see the reaction on his face. Finally, the lanky boy made his way down to Chris's end of the line and pointed his camera at Chris's piece.
I winced, as if preparing to be hit by the impact of how bad his drawing was, but found my mouth dropping open instead. His drawing... Was good. It wasn't a complete disaster!
Although he didn't draw any noticeable landmarks, the buildings of different heights and shape led me to assume that Chris was drawing a New York skyline. The strokes of his pencil were short and imprecise, but the shape was definitely there and it was actually quite impressive.
I folded my arms and glared (a bit half heartedly) at the back of his head. All this time, he had the ability to draw more than just stick figures and I hadn't known about it.
Apparently, they were drawing against the clock, as a man (Jon, I assumed) stepped back onto the stage and told the participants that they had one minute left remaining. Most of the people on stage with Chris looked to be older than him, with one girl who looked to be in middle school. Chris's skyline was up against a portrait, a bouquet of flowers, and a few other scenic landscapes drawn in just pencil.
"And 3... 2... 1... Pencils down!" cried Jon. "What a wonderful show of creativity we have here on the stage, ladies and gentleman. Such vision! Please, give them a round of applause. Artists, please hold up your art and face your adoring fans!"
My eyes were solely on Chris as he and the others stood from their stools and turned to face the crowd with their work. My heart fluttered as Chris smiled and stretched a thumbs up towards the people. I joined the crowd in giving a loud cheer and clapping till my hands stung.
"Well, let's meet our talented friends up here, shall we? We'll start with you. What's your name and what'd you draw, hon?" Jon held the microphone towards the youngest girl at the far right of the stage. She introduced herself as Molly and explained how the beautiful waterfall she drew was inspired by a Hawaii trip her and her family took before her sister went to college.
"Wonderful! Maybe you can mail that drawing of yours to her. May take a few extra stamps, though," Jon joked. "And who are you supporting today if you win, Molly?"
I cocked my head. Supporting, huh?
"Just the arts fund for my middle school," Molly responded timidly.
"Worthy, indeed! Thank you so much, Molly. Now, how about you, young man? Looks like you drew a concrete jungle there."
He was talking to Chris. I clutched my braid, feeling nervous for him despite how relaxed he stood up there. He smiled and gave a little wave. "Heya. I'm Chris. Actually drew some New York buildings, since that's where I live."
"Oh, we've got a traveler! I'm sure you came all this way just for our rockin' festival, huh? We're really widely known." Jon pulled the mic away with a theatrical shake of his head, mouthing the word "no."
Chris chuckled with the rest of the crowd, then replied, "Nah, I'm actually here to support my best friend this weekend."
My heart melted at his words, then practically liquefied to warm goo at his next.
"I'm also supporting the 'Arrow Life' organization with the prize money today. They're based here and help provide free services and resources for foster kids trying to be placed in permanent homes."
God. This boy. Are you joking?
Jon nodded approvingly and gave him a slap on the back. "Dude, that's really awesome. Inspired by anyone?"
"My best friend." Almost like those words were the key to tightening our connection, his eyes miraculously found mine in the sea. He brightened all together, his spine straightening and his smile widening. "Darcy."
I wanted to crumple at the fondness and pride in his voice as he spoke my name. I wanted to scream at the crowd how perfect I thought he was. I wanted to run up on stage and just kiss him.
What kind of pure goodness did God or the universe pour into the making of this one person to make him so perfect?
A thought popped up in my head then. A thought that made goosebumps rise on my skin and a panic surge through my body. It had formed so effortlessly, so naturally. Whether I meant it as his best friend or as something else, I didn't know, nor did I want to figure it out. I pushed the thought away immediately, shoved it as far down as I could so that my feelings couldn't take it and run – run to him and say it.
But, still, the words quietly echoed in my head, quiet and intrusive. And my heart felt the weight of every word and every goddamn syllable.
I love him.
gosh, well hello there. it's been such a long time, huh? i know. i don't quite want to say "i'm sorry" when stepping away for a while was the only thing i could do. i've been doing a bit better than i was last semester, and looking back, i didn't realize how much the grief, anger, sadness, and anxiety had affected me. it was hard to get out of bed, hard to get started on homework, hard to do really anything. but i've been doing a bit better. exciting things this month -- i turned 22 and GOT INTO GRADUATE SCHOOOOOOL!!!!! AHHH!! i'm going to be studying occupational therapy :) it's not quite sunk in yet. maybe it will once graduation becomes a closer reality in a few months.
about the chapter, i had a TOTALLY different plan for how this chapter was going to end and darcy saying i love you was not it LOL. i've never been a hardcore planner, and things always get derailed when i do. and there are times where i've headed into a chapter and i felt like my characters took over. and so darcy did. it's a complicated thought for her to say she loves chris, as she has those brewing crush feelings but also cares deeply for him as a best friend. so let's not get too carried away -- they're not getting married next chapter, but maybe ~something else~ will happen. my previous plans will have to be carried out next chapter and i'm sure you won't be disappointed :P ;)
while i am currently feeling better than i was before, healing and life in general is just a bunch of ups and downs. i'm more sorta up than down right now, but who knows what can happen tomorrow. i'm just gonna keep doing my best. i'm afraid i will not have much physical, mental, and emotional availability when i start grad school this summer, so i really just want to keep on keepin' on with this story until then. the best place to stay updated on that sort of stuff is on my instagram, specifically the "update status" story highlight.
i hope to talk to all of you again soon. please, please comment down below and say hi. i missed you guys a lot. i'll leave you with a chapter question: what's a favorite date, adventure, outing, or memory you've had with someone?
love you guys so much. thank you so much for your endless patience and support. i don't know what i did to deserve it. talk soon xx