PLEASE NOTE:
This chapter contains PTSD and mental health descriptions. If any of those are triggers for you, please skip this chapter.
Thank you!💕
Steve's POV
"Captain Rogers, Ms Romanoff, you need to report to Director Fury's office immediately." JARVIS piped up, waking them both from their late morning slumber. They had spent the night together last night and had slept in, something that had been dying to do ever since they got together.
Before that, they had to hide it from the team, so they had no choice but to get up early and assume their regular routines. But now, the secret was out, they could do whatever they want. And this winter morning, they had decided to stay in bed in each others arms. But, it seems that JARVIS and Fury had other ideas.
"Do we have to go?" Nat mumbled into my chest and I laughed at her cute antics.
"You know we do. Fury will give us nothing but hell if we don't. That is if he isn't already on his way down here to drag us out of bed himself. Trust me, you do not want that to happen." I replied and she groaned.
We quickly got up and got ready, we had been sleeping with each other for months, so by now both of our belongings were scattered between our two apartments.
"So, how did the Captain America get a wake up call from Fury?" Nat teased as we made our way toward the elevator hand in hand.
"Back when I first joined SHIELD, I had had a really late night the night before, and when he called me, I answered, told him I was coming, and then accidentally fell back asleep again. So, he came and got me personally with a wooden stick and an airhorn. He had me do his paperwork for a week after that and excluded me from missions during the same time. I definitely won't make the same mistake twice, I think he only just forgave me for the last time." I mumbled, and Nat promptly burst into giggles.
"Agents." Fury greeted as we walked into his office, though we had stopped holding hands at this point. We hadn't told him yet, although I have a suspicion that he has known about us for quite a while now.
But I guess those are famous last words.
*Time skip*
We ran along the trainline, shivering in our tight leather suits. It was freezing, snow all around us as we ran. But we had a job to do, to shut down a base and potentially save hundreds of people, no matter how cold it is.
We weren't far out from the base, but as I looked back, I saw that Natasha had fallen a bit behind me, so I slowed a little and waited for her to catch up again.
I glanced around the countryside, it truly was beautiful. It was only then that I noticed what appeared to be a very long frayed rope hanging down a cliff face. It immediately reminded me of what The Howling Commandos and I did in the alps that time with the zipline. The time that I lost my best friend off the HYDRA train. I will never forget that day.
In fact, I'm pretty sure that we are a few hundred miles off where that happened. The most prominent thing that I can remember from that day was when I looked back up, after watching my best friend plummet. There was a rock ledge, with a strange shape that made it look like a bear. From then on, I associate that rock ledge with Bucky's death.
I pushed that thought aside as Nat caught up to me and we continued on along the railway, fast approaching the apparent location of the underground base. As we neared the base, we slowed down to take note of our surroundings and form a quick plan of attack before we got into the firing line.
I looked around once again, and I saw it. I froze, not able to talk, everything went fuzzy, the ringing in my ears becoming louder and louder. It felt like the weight of the world was closing in on me, and it felt like I couldn't breathe.
The last thing that I remember was falling before I was emerged into darkness.
Nat's POV
We were running along the line when we stopped to create a plan. It was then that Steve looked over, saw something in the cliffside and froze.
"Steve?" I called out, trying to get his attention and hoping that the cold air wasn't getting to him too much. I waved my hand in front of his face, but nothing.
His breathing suddenly sped up and he looked around frantically, as if he was trying to find something.
"Steve!? Can you hear me?" I called to him again, my eyebrows knotting together at his strange behaviour. By now he was holding his head and shaking.
"Steve! Is this a joke? If it is, please stop, you are scaring me!" I called to him but he didn't stop, and he suddenly dropped to his knees, screaming.
My eyes widened and I dropped down beside him, trying to shake him.
"Steve! STEVE! Please, just answer me!" I yelled at him, but it only made it worse. His screams were now constant and he was shaking violently on the ground. His eyes were frantic, searching for something, it was as if he was seeing straight through me.
Tears were running down his face as he continued, freezing on his face in the cold air. His hands started flailing around, and it seemed he was trying to grab onto air.
"BUCKY!!!" He screamed again, this one much louder than the rest. It was then that is dawned on me. James 'Bucky' Barnes was Steve's friend in the army that died, falling off of a HYDRA train. No one knows the exact location, except for the screaming man in front of me. I wonder....
"SHIT!" I cursed, suddenly realising what was going on. The same thing that has happened to me several times before. He probably has PTSD, and something in the mountains triggered him.
I tried to wrap my arms around him, hoping that it would calm him down like it has many times before. But it didn't work, and he pushed me back, causing me to fall face first into the snow. I tried again and he pushed me away, screaming something about I can't hurt him.
"NO, NO, NO, NO! YOU KILLED! MY FAULT! YOU KILLED! DON'T HURT ME!" He kept screaming, louder and louder. He was currently pounding the snow with his fists, throwing snow everywhere.
There was nothing I could do. I have never felt this helpless before in my life. Ever. I have tried calling, holding him, but nothing is stopping it. I just had to stand back and wait for it all to be over. By now, I was crying too, still shouting at him, trying to get any form of response.
For minutes it continued like this, with him battling the air or the snow and screaming loudly, mostly incoherently. Eventually his screams started to soften and a minute or so later he stilled.
I rushed over to him and tentatively touched his arm, waiting for a response. I got none so I took this as my cue to wrap my arms around him and cradle him as we whimpered.
"Nat?" He rasped, after a few more minutes. I jumped at his voice, not really expecting him to recognise me again for quite a while.
"I'm here Steve." I replied softly and he sat up looking around.
"What are we doing on the ground?" He asked and I looked at him shocked. He has no recollection of what happened over the last 20 minutes or so.
"I think you saw something and you freaked out. You have been screaming and fighting for about 20 minutes. Do you not remember?" I replied, hoping that I wasn't scaring him.
"The last thing fully remember was falling to the ground and feeling fuzzy. After that, my memory is all broken up and clouded." He rasped, his voice clearly hoarse from all of the screaming.
"Wait, what about the mission. The base. Fury. We have to go!" He called, trying to scramble to his feet. I grabbed his arm and held him down, not trusting him running into anything in his current state.
"Steve, we are going home. I will contact Fury when we get to the jet and get him to send someone else. You are in no condition to fight, and frankly, neither am I." I sternly replied, helping him up and leading him off in the opposite direction to the base.
I just hope that we were far enough away from the base that they didn't hear any of his screams and be alerted that someone was in the area. We stumbled back to the jet in silence. Steve looked exhausted and I didn't want to push him and potentially result in another attack or scaring him further.
We eventually got back to the jet and I cranked the heater up, quickly entering the co-ordinates for the Avengers Tower.
I then sat next to Steve and wrapped a blanket around him, helping him change out of his cold, drenched suit. I then cuddled up next to him and sighed.
"It was Bucky. In the army... we hijacked a train and he fell... It was my fault. I should've protected him better." He mumbled after a few minutes.
"Steve, Bucky's death wasn't your fault. Things happen in missions that are out of our control, it sucks, but there is nothing we can do." I soothed whilst I rubbed his arm.
"I have nightmares, and flashbacks, but never as bad as that one, clearly." He sighed
"Why didn't you tell me this before?" I asked softly, I had known before now that he was going through some stuff, hell, we all are. But I never knew just how bad it was for him.
"I hid it from you, from everyone. I didn't want you to think that I was weak, or have to worry about me." My eyebrows shot up at this.
"Steve, I would never think that you are weak just because you have experienced trauma. In fact, it makes you stronger, because despite the trauma, you are still here now and that's what matters. But I need you to let me know when these things happen and we can get you help."
"I don't need help. I am not crazy." He replied and I sighed. I'm not surprised that he feels this way, from the time that he has come from, anyone with mental health issues was socially considered 'crazy' and 'weak'. But times have changed and we have realised that mental health is important and something to be celebrated, not feared.
"You're not crazy, but I don't think you are going to get a choice once Fury finds out unfortunately. Or at least that is what he did to me." The last time I had a breakdown during a mission, I had to be cleared by the phycologist before I could assume my job. I had been so angry with Fury at the time, but in hindsight, I understand why he did it. He can't have agents breaking down in the field, it is a huge safety risk, not just for the person affected.
"This has happened to you before?" I nodded.
"Yeah, it has, more than once. You know my past wasn't exactly butterflies and roses, and that caught up with me. Don't worry, we are going to get through this together too." I reassured, continuing to rub his shoulder gently.
He smiled softly at me, leaning back and he fell asleep almost instantly. He must be exhausted, so I placed a pillow behind his head and then kissed him on the forehead.
My phone started ringing in my pocket and I pulled it out, Fury's name shone bright on the screen. I sighed and answered, walking as far away from Steve as possible so I didn't wake him.
"Romanoff. Why is my intelligence saying that you are half an hour from base?" He barked into the phone.
"The mission didn't go as planned. The railway you sent us to, was the same one that Steve lost his best friend on." I whispered down the phone, hoping that he would understand.
"I couldn't care if he lost the queen on that railway, why are you here and not taking down that base!?" He asked again and I could tell that his temper was rising.
"He got triggered, and he had a panic attack. He wasn't in any state to continue on and take down the base. You are going to have to find someone else to do this mission for you." I could hear Fury sigh on the other end of the phone and I could almost picture him signalling orders to some of his other agents.
"I hope he knows what this means." And with that he ended the call. Steve is not going to enjoy the outcome of this, but it is for the best, and I have to do everything in my power to help him through this.