TRIGGER WARNING: Please skip this chapter if mentions of panic attacks and nightmares are, in any way, an issue for you. Take care of yourselves and each other!
Thanks!
Nat's POV
"Natasha?" He called again. I couldn't ignore his question any longer, it wasn't fair on him. But the issue is, I have no idea how to put my thoughts into words. I blame the fact that I'm sobbing and too tired to think straight.
I stared at him for a few more seconds before I took a breath and tried to stem, with no avail, the hot tears that were rushing down my face.
"I-I c-ca-can't." I began but the second I started thinking about what I was going to say, I was sobbing again.
"Can't what?" He asked softly, staring deep into my eyes and playing with my hair with the hand that wasn't propping his head up. The way he was looking at me, with such care and sympathy was enough to make me cry worse, so I looked down before continuing.
"I can't sleep." I struggled out slowly between sobs. He remained silent and waited patiently for me to continue, gently wiping away some of my tears from my cheek.
"E-ever since the camping trip." I continued slowly, still trying to figure out how to verbalise my emotions. Yet he was patient and didn't once try to push me into admitting anything. Something that no one else, not even Clint, has ever done for me before.
"Each night, I would be lucky if I get an hour of broken sleep. Because- I've been having night-." I couldn't even finish my sentence before I burst into tears again. I latched onto Steve's shirt again, and he wrapped his arms tight around me.
"Jesus, Nat." He mumbled quietly as his arms rubbed circles into my back. It took me a minute to calm down enough to continue talking.
"When I used get nightmares, they are always about my gruesome past and I learnt how to deal with it. But ever since the camping trip, they have been different. They are now about my future as well and that is the bit that is the most terrifying." I told him, my shaky voice muffled by his chest.
I didn't look up at him, I would rather avoid the judgemental looks that he is probably giving me right now. Everyone does, I open up about my past, they judge me and leave as quick as they can. I pushed it aside and continued anyway, if I was going to scare Steve off, I may as well do it properly.
"The worst part is when I wake up, half the time I can't even tell if I am awake or still in the dream and I have panic attacks that last for hours. None of my old calming methods are working and I just have to wait for it to be over." I admitted and buried my head further into his chest.
My tears were still flowing like an endless stream, soaking Steve's shirt. He didn't seem to mind though, and just continued to hold me close.
"It is a continuous cycle. Every. Single. Night." I said, pausing between each word to let out a sob. I was shaking violently now, even speaking of my nightmares and panic attacks was enough to tip me over the edge.
I felt weak, helpless, like there was nothing I could do to climb back out of the endless hole I have fallen in. I have truly hit rock bottom.
And yet, even still, Steve was there. Holding me, making me feel safe, loved even. My little haven of safety and protection in his arms. Even when I was at my weakest, he was still there, to hold me until I was strong again. If that is not the true mark of an amazing guy, I have no idea what is.
"I can't do this anymore." I finished quietly, as the last of my tears escaped my eyes.
"Nat, look at me." Steve said softly, lifting my chin up. I looked at him and saw nothing but kindness in his eyes.
"You are special, strong. It's going to be ok, I know it. But you have to start off by getting a good nights sleep." He said and I just rolled my eyes.
"I told you-" I started but he cut me off.
"I know, I know. But can you think of something that could help with that?" He asked and I considered his question for a moment. The last time I had gotten a decent, dreamless sleep was when I was in his arms in a tent. It was then that I realised exactly what would help me. What already has helped me.
It was Steve. It has always been Steve. Whenever I am in his arms or even just around him I feel safe, protected. And so when I got that little bit of safety, and then I had to leave it and go back to normal life at the Avengers tower, I stopped sleeping. I stopped feeling safe.
I looked down as I made my realisation, to avoid having to face Steve as I told him what would help me.
"C-can you just h-hold me?" I struggled out. It felt so wrong, I have never asked for someone to do that for me. I have never really had someone to do that for me. I grew up without parents and yes, I have Clint, but it is never the same with him.
"Of course." He replied sweetly, as if I had just said the most normal thing in the world. No judgement, no awkwardness, nothing but kindness and something else which I would rather not verbalise just yet.
"Do you mind if I take my shirt off first though, this one is kinda wet." He asked light-heartedly, causing me to blush a little. I nodded and he quickly let go of me to take his shirt off and then wrapped himself back around me.
He pulled the blankets over us and turned out the light before facing back to me. I nestled into his now bare muscular chest, seeking the safety that I have craved for weeks. He leant down and placed a long kiss on the top of my head causing me to smile blissfully before I succumbed to the darkness of sleep.
Steve's POV
I woke up the next morning and looked around at my surroundings. This isn't my bedroom. Then the memories of last night came flooding back in and I looked down to see Nat clinging to me for dear life.
I checked the clock and saw that it was now mid-morning. Nat seemed to be in a deep sleep, the poor thing. I felt so sorry for her. The thing that broke my heart most last night wasn't the fact that she was crying, or that she told me about her nightmares, it was the fact that she had been dealing with everything alone for weeks, not once asking for help or showing that she was in any kind of pain.
I also regret the fact that it took me until she tried to stab Clint before I noticed that she wasn't ok. Sure, I had a feeling that something wasn't right for a while, but I should've taken more notice. What is a Captain that doesn't notice when one of his teammates is hurt?
I sighed and slowly removed myself from Nat's vice grip without waking her up. Once I finally freed myself, I replaced my body with a pillow which she immediately snuggled into. I smiled at her cuteness and crept out of the room.
One thing I had noticed last night when I carried her in here was how messy her apartment was and I figured I could tidy it before she woke up. Give her one less thing to worry about and judging by her soft snores, she will be asleep for a while yet.
In half an hour, I had managed to tidy and sweep out the whole apartment, it looked good if I do say so myself. I fixed myself some cereal that I found in the kitchenette, I don't think she would mind. Or at least not after she has had some decent sleep anyway. I also made a quick trip to my apartment to take a shower and change.
Once I was finished, I crept back into the bed and cuddled back up to Nat again, taking away the pillow I had placed there earlier, replacing it with my body. I found myself drifting back to sleep too, I guess I have been a little more tired than I want to admit as well.
......
I was awoken by movement beside me. I opened my eyes and they immediately met Natasha's green orbs. I smiled at her and rubbed my eyes to wake myself up a little. I glanced at the time and realised that I had gone back to bed and slept for most of the day!
"Good evening, Nat." I grumbled, my voice still raspy from hours of no use. She rolled her eyes, let go of me and got out of bed, heading for the bathroom. Hopefully after having around 24 hours of sleep she is feeling a little better.
When she re-emerged from the bathroom, I asked her how she was feeling.
"I feel a bit better. Hungry though." She said as she made her way over to me. I smiled at her and walked out to the main room beside to her.
"How does pancakes sound?" I asked, causing her eyes to light up and she nodded furiously. I laughed at cuteness and fished around in her cupboards for the ingredients I would need.
"You cleaned my apartment, didn't you?" She asked as she looked around. I nodded and quickly changed the subject before she told me off for doing things for her that she should do herself.
"Given it is so late, how about I make pancakes and you find a movie for us to watch?" I suggested and she agreed, plonking on the couch and flicking through her DVD's.
"Have you ever watched Disney movies?" She asked as I finished up with the pancakes.
"Nope." I replied as I carried two plates piled high with pancakes and syrup over to where she was sitting on the couch.
"Then we have to watch Tangled!" She exclaimed and I just nodded along, not a clue of what she was talking about. I passed her a plate, got comfortable and we started watching.
About halfway through the movie, I felt a weight on my shoulder. I looked across and found Nat's head resting there. I wrapped my arm around her and she nestled closer to me. I have never seen this side of her before, so open and vulnerable, but I am enjoying it.
As the credits rolled on the movie, she sighed. The movie had been really good, but having Nat cuddled up to me was by far my favourite part. She sighed and I looked down at her.
"What do I do Steve?" She asked tiredly.
"Well, you could start by apologising to the rest of the team tomorrow because you have been fairly aggressive. With a good reason, don't get me wrong, but they are starting to fear you, which probably isn't the best." I replied and she nodded into my shoulder.
"Yeah, you're right." She said yawning. I laughed at her and stood up off the couch. I turned around suddenly and scooped her into my arms, causing her to squawk in surprise. I carried her back to her bedroom and laid her down.
"Can you- would you mind- sleeping with me again?" She asked almost nervously and I just smiled at her. To be honest, I was hoping she would ask. I know me being beside her helps her fall asleep, but in a way it helps me too.
I clambered into bed with her, turning out the lights.
"Good night Nat." I spoke softly into her hair.
"Good night Steve." She mumbled, her beautiful eyes closing peacefully.
Wow, if I'd have told myself two days ago that I would have one of the most guarded people I have ever met open up to me, even sleep with me, I would've laughed and said I was crazy. And yet here I am, with her in my arms, falling asleep next to her for the second night in a row.
It felt like a dream, one that I definitely don't ever want to wake up from.