TW: depression, anxiety, underage drinking, suicidal thoughts, grief
The next morning I opened my eyes, whishing that I hadn't at all. The dorm was empty and as I got ready for the day, I hoped not to cross paths with Nathan or my siblings. I went into the great hall for breakfast and sat next to Fred and Alicia. The five of them looked at me, waiting to get an explanation from yesterday's events but I thought best to remain silent. There was no more space in the table so Timothee and Nate sat across from us. My eyes caught Timothée's and there didn't seem to be anything wrong, but my luck was cut short when Colette approached the table and pulled Nathan up by his arm.
She slapped him hard across the face and the entire hall turned to see the unfolding scene. "Je peux pas croire que tu m'as trompé avec elle! AVEC LA PUTE DE L'ÉCOLE NATHAN" she screamed at him and pointed at me. I lifted my glance from my plate and my eyes met my brother's. He looked at me, breating heavily and from the corner of my eye I saw Clotilde, wearing the same scowl that my brother had. "I have to go" I whispered to Fred and walked out of the great hall. Before I could leave the entrance, Colette managed to seize my arm and punched my cheekbone, hard.
I stumbled and felt how blood was coming out of my face. She was about to punch me again when Alicia stepped between us. I would have let her punch me again, I definitely deserved it but I wouldn't let my best friend get hurt because of me. "Alicia go, I can handle this" I muttered to her. She stepped out of the way and Colette punched me again on the jaw. She raised her fist again but before she could hit me my brother and sister were pulling me away, gripping my wrists tightly.
Timothee pushed me hard against a wall and my head hit the cold stone. This was normal for us three, beating the shit out of each other, especially Clotilde and I, but never him.
"How long have you been sleeping with him" he said lowly looking at me. "I don't see how that is any of your business" I murmured and he hit the wall the stone wall next to my head making me flinch. "HOW LONG MADELEINE!" she screamed making my eyes fill with tears.
"Three years" I barely whispered. For the first time in her life, Clotilde didn't have anything to say to me. She was plainly enraged, her light blue eyes darkening and her cheeks redening.
"THREE FUCKING YEARS RIGHT UNDER MY FUCKING NOSE!" he yelled and I whimpered. "You fucking disgust me Madeleine, you make me fucking sick" he spat angrily and let go of my wrist that was bruising by now.
"You're such a fucking whore you know that right, you break everything that you touch and drag everyone alone with you, you selfish fucking slut! You're the reason why dad's dead you know that and he would be disgusted with you too you fucking whore!" he screamed, causing the tears to finally fall from my eyes.
"It was not a one person thing, it wasn't only my fault" I said softly, my voice cracking slightly.
"Of course you're playing the victim card right now!" he scoffed, "you know what don't bother, you're dead to me now"he said and walked away angrily.
"Go on take a hit too, i know you've wanted to for a very long time" I said to Clotilde and she chuckled darkly. "I don't have anything to say to you anymore, just stay away from us" she hissed and walked away.
My face was still dripping blood from the impact of Colette's ring covered knuckles and my face. I felt as if I was floating through space, not even acknowledging my surroundings. I was gently lifted from the floor and an arm snaked past my waist, helping me walk.
"Come on Frenchie, let's get your face fixed up" Fred said gently, pushing my blonde waves away from my face so that they wouldn't stain with blood. We reached the hospital wing and he sat me on a bed, taking a seat next to me.
"Oh dear lord, what happened to you Madeleine?" the matron asked examining my face and wrist. "Punched in the face but I deserved it" I tried smiling but winced from the pain.
"Well you have a sprained wrist but that I can fix quickly. Consider yourself lucky that whoever hit you didn't break you jaw and cheekbone because fixing that is some nasty business. Mr Weasley help me cleaning the blood from her face while I make a potion for the pain" she said and handed him a cloth and a white bowl with warm water.
"Let me know if if hurts" he said gently patting the cloth on my face, cleaning the the crimson from my face. When my skin was back to its normal pale shade, he tenderly dragged his fingers trough the new bruises.
"I'll be fine" I whispered, trying to keep tears from escaping. "Was he the one who sprained your wrist?" he asked and I nodded. "It's fine, Madam Pomfrey will fix it in a heartbeat" I smiled.
"It's not fine Mads, none of it it's fine" he said intertwining our fingers together. "I'm fine, it's just the typical reminder that the picture perfect family is far from perfect, fucked up is more like it" I laughed softly.
After Madam Pomfrey fixed my face and wrist, we left the hospital wing. "I'm gonna go to my dorm if you don't mind, I just need to sleep for a little bit" I said and walked away.
I stepped into the dorm and locked the door with a spell. I slid down the floor, my back agasint the wooden door and with my hand I summoned one of the fire whiskey bottles that the twins had given me.
I drank the whole bottle without stopping to catch my breath, not even minding the flame like feeling going down my throat. After I finished the first bottle, I threw it against the room and it shattered in hundreds of tiny pieces. I wrapped my arms around my knees and let myself scream.
Sobs were escaping from my lips as well as screams. I got up from the floor and began throwing everything that I owned across the room. Picture frames, books, quills, parchment, the music box that my mum had given me and then I decided that it was a great ideas to ruin the bed.
I began throwing spells with my palms around the room, destroying the wooden structure of my bed, my desk and wardrobe. Clothes and shoes were scattered all over the room and once I was satisfied with the destruction I caused, I sat back on the floor. I summoned a quill, an untouched bottle of ink and a piece of parchment and began writing to him for the first time in months.
*****
Cher Dad,
I know it's been a while. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for fucking things up. Again. It's always been my specialty I guess, I do destroy everything and everyone around me. Sometimes I think that they would be better off without me. Wrong. I know they will be so much better off without me. Maybe I could run away. That would be easier. I've always liked the easy way out and you know it. So in case you haven't been paying attention to the reality show from wherever you're watching, Timothee and Clotilde absolutely hate my guts. Funny isn't it. How fast the night has changed.
I still see you in my dreams but you're always so still. I wish I could talk to you once again. I'm starting to forget your voice and I don't want to. Are you dissapointed in me? That has always been my biggest fear you know. I bet you are though. Pathetic little Madeleine, coward like no other. You deserved better than me. I'm sorry. I miss your voice so fucking much. I miss you telling me that everything would be alright. I'm sorry. I really am. I just hope that one day you can forgive me, for everything. I want to vanish sometimes. I want to run away from this sadness that has consumed me. From this anger that runs through my veins all the damn time.
How bad could disappearing be? Mum probably won't even notice. She never writes. I know she writes to them, but not me. Timothée and Clotilde will get the money from my vault so that'll make them forget about me. I want to be forgotten. I need to be forgotten. Is it too much to ask? Is disappearing too much to ask? It could be simple you know. I wonder if the curse they used on you, could be used on oneself.
I've been doing that lately. Wondering. Not only wondering but also whishing that it could've been me instead of you. That would've made everything simpler I reckon. I'll be fine. I alway end up being fine. Lizzie and Alicia say that it's temporary. The sadness. The excrutiating pain. The guilt. The constant feeling that everything will end up crushing me like a pile of bricks, leaving me squashed on the ground like a bug. I do wonder it it'll ever stop. What if it doesn't? What if it gets worst? I don't think I'll be able to handle it if it gets any worse. I really miss you. I really need you. I want to leave but I promised Harry that I would never leave him. He's more of a brother to me than Timothee and Clotilde will ever be. I could oficially say that my brother was my third heartbreak.
Everything he said was true, even though it pains me to admit it. It was the first time in my almost 17 years that he called me that. A whore. Am I really a whore? I used to be a girl in love once, but Nate also crushed that feeling to the ground. I was vulnerable. I still am. And he was around. He's always around. I don't feel anything for him anymore. I promise. But after every fucked up thing that has happened in my life, he's the one who's always around. He told me he wanted for us to be together. I don't know how to feel about it. A part of me would like to experience it. But I always think with my brain rather than my heart. I know we're not good for each other. He's hurt me so much. But I can't seem to let go. Maybe that's what I really need. To let go.
I miss you more than words can explain. I need you more than I let myself admit. I still feel like a little girl, but I'm lost. So fucking lost. I don't even know who I am anymore.
Je t'aime avec tout ma vie papa.
Ta petite etoile.
*****
I left the letter unfolded on the floor. I took another bottle of fire whiskey and my cigarette case and sat on the window bench. We had a nice view from Gryffindor Tower. I was able to spot the quidditch pitch, the black lake and the forbidden forest. It was nightime already. The moon shining, faintly illuminating the darkness around the school grounds. The stars were bright. It had been a while since I talked to the stars. According to my dad I was a star. The brightest one in the galaxy. But I was now a dying star. The glow within me was extinguishing agonizingly slow, it felt almost painful.
*****
She just sat there. Staring into the night sky. Talking to the stars as if they were old friends. She was unable to acknowledge her surroundings anymore, she was like one of them. Just floating around, trying to grasp onto the little bit of life she still had inside of her. She couldn't hear the pounding on the door. She was too lost talking to her oldest companions.
"I've tried every single unlocking charm that I know Lizzie she's done something to it and I can't get past it!" Fred said exasperated. "Have you three tried bringing the door now?" Elizabeth said pacing around the corridor. "We have, I don't know what the fuck she's done to the bloody door Liz!" George said gripping his hair tightly.
"We need to get past that door now! Madeleine is reckless, for all we know she could be dead by now!" Alicia said loudly. "Alicia shut up! SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH UP" Fred yelled. Just like the blonde, his character always got the best of him. "Both of you stop yelling, you're only making it worse!" Lee said fuming.
"What about a hair pin? You know how to use one don't you?" Lizzie asked George, tears spilling from her eyes at the thought of her best friend laying lifeless in the middle of the room. "Liz we've tried with magic there's no-" George began saying calmly but was interrupted by Fred's roaring voice. "SOMEONE GET ME A DAMN PIN NOW!" he yelled. Ginny and Hermione were passing by when they heard Fred's voice.
"What's going-" the youngest Weasley said as Fred began searching her red hair for any sign of a pin. "Found it" he said rushing back to the door. "Get them out of here" Fred said to his twin brother and he nodded.
"We'll explain everything later, just don't tell this to anyone, not even Harry" He said to the younger girls as they walked away. Fred was struggling with the pin since his hand was enormous compared to it but when he heard a click, he threw the door open.
They all stepped inside the girls' dorm and saw every single of Madeleine's belongings either scattered all over or absolutely destroyed. "Lee close the door and lock it" Alicia whispered and he did as he was told. Maddie still seemed to be in a trance, only focusing on the shiny balls of light in the night sky.
Fred walked slowly towards Madeleine and kneeled in front of the bench, taking her hand into his, snapping her back to reality. "Hey Frenchie, how are you feeling?" he said in an unsual soft tone, unlike Fred Weasley at all.
"Spectacular" she mumbled sarcastically. She went back to staring at the window and he looked over pleadingly at the rest of the group for help. He noticed that all of them were reading a piece of parchment that was previosly tossed on the floor.
While reading the letter, Elizabeth was muffling her sobs with the hem of her jumper. Lee and George were on the verge of tears but Alicia was enraged. Her eyebrows furrowed and her cheeks flushing. They couldn't possibly imagine what she had been feeling. The girl who constantly reasured them that they were loved and valuable, felt anything but that.
When she was younger, Madeleine was always aware of her acting talent but she had taken it too far this time. She had managed to fool everyone into thinking that she was healing, when in reality she was deteriorating internally. Grief and depression eating her from the inside out like parasites.
Lizzie took Fred's place holding Madeleine's cold hand. Even though she was breating and blood was pumping from her heart, she seemed closer to a living corpse than anything else. Fred took the letter and sat on Alicia's bed. He already knew that she was feeling depressed but not to that extent. If there was something to know about Fred Weasley is that he never cried in public. He was doing his best to swallow the tears forming in his eyes. When he finished reading, Alicia took grasp of the letter and stormed out of the room.
*****
Alicia reached the 7th year boys' dormitories and threw open the door. All the boys looked at her as if she was crazy and she went over to Timothee's bed where he was laying on. "Get the fuck up Archambeau" she said. "What the hell if your problem Spinnet?" he said not expecting her to lift him by the collar of his shirt.
"Do you have any idea of what you've done to your sister?" she asked angrily, still clutching the letter. "I don't and it's not like I give a fuck, stick your nose in someone elses business" he spat walking towards the door but she gripped his wrist tightly just how he had done to his sister hours earlier.
"It is my business when my best friend is in the middle you prick! You not only sprained her wrist but also broke her heart!" she said loudly. "Well someone had to tell it to her how it is, she preaches honesty so much but can't handle the truth when it's about her!" he yelled back.
"It wasn't honesty and you know it! She is your younger sister for fucks sake, you broke what was left of her you know and I hope you will carry that for the rest of your life!"."I didn't break anything Alicia so stop talking shit and get out!" he said breathing heavily.
"IT'S NOT LIKE SHE WAS THE ONLY ONE INVOLVED! It's a two people thing and you're blaming her for something that your best mate was in it too! GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ARSE! Haven't you thought about it? She was fourteen when he started that fucking cat and mouse game and she fell for him and you blaming her for everything including your dad's death, which she already blames herself for is vile. You're vile and cruel and pathetic Timothée, stay away from her if you dont wanna have a problem not only with me, but also with the rest of our friends!" she wailed and left, but not before handing him the letter Madeleine had written.
*****
Still in their dorm, Maddie had managed to pull herself together. With a snap of her fingers, the room became impecable again, as if she had never trashed it at all. "Sorry about that, I usually have a strong appealing to the dramatics" she smiled drunkenly. George went to grab the bottle from her grip but he missed.
"Let's make a toast to me. To Madeleine, homewrecker, family disappointment, filthy whore and most importantly, self centered psycho bitch with a god complex, who destroys everything she touches oh and with severe hidden anger issues and let's not forget the newly added daddy issues for the cherry on top. To me" she said lifting the bottle and finishing it.
"Come on love, let's get you cleaned up" Fred said approaching her carefully. "No no no no, let me drown in my self pity, I don't normally get the chance to do so" she said but yelped when Fred picked her up on thre her over his shoulder, walking towards the bathroom and the rest following closely.
"You're gonna sober up now and you're gonna talk and I'm not taking no for an answer" he said putting her down in the shower poiting his wand at her and shooting a jet of freezing water her way. After repeating the same spell over and over again he had gotten her completely sober. Liz brought her some clothes. When she was finally dressed, she went over to sit on her bed and rubbed her temples lightly.
"Fine, who's gonna shoot first?" she asked sarcastically. "How are you feeling? But really feeling Maddie? Lizzie said. "Like if I'm falling through a never ending black hole" she answere dismissively.
"Where you planning on doing something stupid while we were gone?" George asked. "I'm reckless and all but I wouldn't have done it. I've thought about it, I won't lie but I didn't plan on it" Madeleine replied.
"What are you thinking right now?" Fred asked the girl. "How this is the third major heartbreak I've ever experienced. Nate's second and dad takes the cake" she chuckled darkly. "It's the first time he calls me that, you know whore and slut. That's usually Clotilde's job and it doesn't bother me anymore but hearing it from him hurt. I felt how he ripped my heart from my chest and stomped all over it. I hate feeling like this, I hate feeling at all really" she said as she played with her ring. "I miss him so much that it hurts. I really don't know who I am anymore" she whispered.
"I'm afraid the pain will never stop, what will I do if it never stops? I think that if he had died without me seeing it I would propably have gotten over it faster but seeing that was just horrible. I can still see it you know. The red light and the screams of agony and then the green light, just stopping time forever", she sighed. "I just want it to stop for a little bit, just make it stop even if is just for a little while" she finished and got under the covers and covered her face with the duvet.
"Where are Meredith and Angelina?" Fred asked Lizzie. "With their Hufflepuff friends I guess" she shrugged. This was the first time Maddie had opened entirely to them, letting them see the broken girl underneath the surface. "We should all stay here tonight" George said walking over to Lizzie's bed.
Fred got inside the covers with Madeleine and held her tighter than he ever had. Her face pressed against his warm chest, he kissed the top of her head and waited until she was fully asleep so that he could try to do the same. After trying to sleep for a while he knew that sleep wouldn't come to him that night. So he began planning. She wanted to see her happy so he was determined to do so.
*****
AN: hi, in this part I really wanted to focus on the grief that Madeleine has been feeling for months. As a person that has gone through depression multiple times, I just wanted to share an inside of how it was for me but remember that everyone is different so it may not look the same for all, just like with grief. We all cope in our own ways and that's completely okay. Please if you're struggling and need to talk to someone my dms are always always open, and also remember that it's okay to get help. Please stay safe, love you all and tpwk. Ps, don't forget to vote :)