Xiao Zhan heads back to the apartment, because the first thing that he has to do is call Nini.
Her cousin is startled at his return, once again thinking it is her husband, but Xiao Zhan consoles her with a smile, retrieves his phone and heads out again.
By the time he shuts the door behind him, Nini has responded.
"Hello?"
Her voice is timid and low, and fully expectant of the wrath that she expects is about to come down upon her.
Xiao Zhan however, takes a deep breath, truly not knowing where to begin.
Peace he thinks. All he wants is peace but no one wants to allow him to have it.
"You told Yibo where I am?" he asks.
Nini is quiet for a few seconds before she replies.
"He couldn't reach you."
"Is that what he told you? That he called and I didn't pick up?"
"No, he said that he couldn't call you, because you'd both had an argument. He wanted to see you instead."
"And so you told me where to find me. Is that why you told me to come to your cousin's house?"
At this a scoff escapes her. "Of course not! But... I d-did call to find out where you were because he was asking."
"And so you gave in. Did it not at any point occur to you that perhaps I didn't want to see him?"
She sighs.
"It did, but..."
"But what?"
She sighs again. "The way he sounded... I couldn't refuse him. He didn't even come to me at first. He went to Qingyuan and asked him to find out. Qingyuan then came to ask me because of course he didn't know where you were."
Xiao Zhan is taken aback by this. Nini's assistant? How did Yibo get in contact with him?
"Qingyuan?"
"Yeah, I was surprised too but then he told me that he and Yibo had added each other on WeChat back when you were both filming the Untamed. They used to play an online game together along with a couple of Qingyuan's friends from a forum."
Realization dawns on Xiao Zhan because he clearly remembers this.
During one of their waiting times, Qingyuan had introduced the game to Yibo and the both of them had competed at it. However Yibo was never able to beat him and that had automatically placed Qingyuan on a pedestal. Yibo had told Xiao Zhan that he would keep trying, and that was the last he'd heard of it. He can't help but wonder now if Yibo was ever able to win against him.
It makes sense now. Yibo's competitive streak and his respect for those more skilled than him in his areas of interest, has always been the quickest way to pull down his walls towards anyone.
This incident however does bring another one to mind.
Back in Beijing, Yibo had also just shown up at his hotel. He had wondered back then how Yibo had known his hotel and room number, because it definitely could not have been through Nini. It also definitely couldn't have been through his bodyguard so that left only Qingyuan whom had been the third present party from his team at the audition.
He ends the call with Nini, and his hand falls to his side.
How is he to handle Yibo now?
Is it best to just ignore him?
He could just return to the apartment and then text him to leave, but it worries him that Yibo might not.
That stubborn and relentless streak in Yibo is one that he is no stranger to, and moreover, why shouldn't he bother to speak to him after he dropped all else to fly down here.
Xiao Zhan is not moved by the gesture but he does understand that Yibo is tormented.
He has no intentions of soothing this, but he also doesn't want to leave him waiting out in the autumn wind where he could easily be spotted.
With another sigh, he slips his phone into his pocket and heads down the stairs.
Yibo just as he expected, is waiting for him.
He is leaning against the building and in the shadows, so as Xiao Zhan emerges he almost misses him.
But then he feels his skin prickle with awareness and turns around to find Yibo with both hands in his pockets. His head is lowered to the ground and Xiao Zhan cannot help it as his heart goes soft.
He realizes then that he is not necessarily mad at Yibo. He was, especially at the unanswered calls but the majority of that annoyance has worked itself out of his system. What he feels right now is much much more scarier than that.
He feels distant from him.
The reminder tugs at his heart as he watches Yibo that this person is supposed to be the closest to his soul, but yet, he feels distant from him as though he were a stranger.
And this is what he hates the most.
"Leave," he tells him, refusing to walk even a step closer. "I need some time alone to myself to think."
Yibo's gaze settles on his, but Xiao Zhan looks away, knowing now to steel himself against those beguiling eyes.
He takes things a step further and turns around to head back in, however Yibo strides forward and grabs unto to his arm.
Xiao Zhan doesn't turn to face him but the several flips that his stomach does in response is enough to give him vertigo.
"Please talk to me," Yibo says again, and Xiao Zhan feels what is left of his defenses melt away.
Perhaps Yibo doesn't deserve this leniency, but knowing how much pain that his insistent rejection will bring to Yibo is more than he can bear.
And if this is the case, he can as well say goodbye once again to his plans of actually sleeping tonight.
He twists his arm out of Yibo's hold, and turns around to head towards his van.
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He shuts the door behind him the moment he gets into the driver's seat, while Yibo does the same as he gets into the passenger's seat. It is completely dark now, so he believes that they are shrouded enough to remain anonymous to any onlookers. Plus, they are in a secluded spot and only the occasional vehicle driving by or people strolling past brings any interruption.
He rests his gaze on the dock of parked bicycles just up ahead, and tries his best to ignore the scent of the boy beside him.
He can feel Yibo watching him, his eyes boring into the side of his face and it makes it increasingly difficult to breathe.
"I'm going to leave if you don't say anything," he warns, and that is Yibo's cue to begin.
He hears the shuddering breath that Yibo releases, and truly cannot help but feel quite sorry for him.
He is just as shaken by all that has happened between them, and in such a short span of time. Things are indeed volatile right now, and while he is not in a hurry to settle all he also doesn't want to blow it all up to dust.
"I... I just wanted to see if you're okay."
At this Xiao Zhan frowns, and it takes every thing inside him not to glance at Yibo.
"I'm fine," he says.
The seconds tick by, and when Yibo doesn't say anything more, Xiao Zhan's hand moves to the vehicle's handle.
"I'm leaving," he announces, but once again Yibo reaches out and grabs his arm to stop him.
The contact moves past the barrier of his sweatshirt and sears his skin. He immediately jerks his arm away.
"Don't touch me!" he snarls, and then a heavy breath escapes him.
This boy is going to make him lose his mind.
"You're being too mean to me," Yibo's voice breaks once again and Xiao Zhan feels a corresponding ache in his soul.
"Then stay away."
"How can I?"
At this, Xiao Zhan nearly glances back at him but he catches himself in time. Looking at Yibo, especially this up close will be the biggest mistake he can currently make because he is well aware that the moment he looks into those dark brown pools of intensity and hurt, he will completely lose himself. Yibo's presence is something that he has never been able to resist so even though right now, he yearns to hold Yibo... to slip his hands into his hair and his tongue into his mouth, he knows that it would be the very worst possible move. Instead he needs to be away from him so that he can think clearly.
"We need time apart," he tells him. "There's too much going on right now. I'll talk to you when everything has calmed down."
He can almost hear Yibo's painful swallow, and then a few seconds later his response comes. "Alright."
Xiao Zhan pushes the door open before he can change his mind, and gets out of the van.
His legs are shaking as he goes around the vehicle, however he ignores it all and continues on his way. He doesn't look back, however the moment he hears the door slam shut in the distance indicating that Yibo has disembarked, he presses the appropriate button on the key in hand and the vehicle is locked shut.
He quickens his steps forward, refusing to entertain any thoughts whatsoever until he is back in the safety of the building.
He shuts the gate behind him and leans against the adjacent wall.
His breathing is laboured, and his heart is thundering violently against his chest so he tries his very best to calm down.
The moment he does however, he is struck with an ache, more excruciating than anything he has ever felt before.
He feels as though a drill is boring into his chest, shattering bone and mangling flesh.
His hand grips his chest as he tries to soothe it away, but it doesn't let up.
His shuts his eyes, his face contorted in pain and all he sees is Yibo. The immense sadness and fear in his gaze.
He cannot stand it, but at the same time he cannot give in. He cannot let his walls down so easily so he steels his heart even further, moves away from the wall and finds his way back to the apartment.
Perhaps when he is around the woman and her family, it will be easier for him to not think of Yibo.
The moment he arrives, he is greeted with the waft of something delicious and spicy.
"Laogo-" the woman hurries out, a spoon in hand but once again she is dissappointed.
Xiao Zhan manages to work a smile to his face.
"He's not back yet?"
She sighs. "No, but he just called to tell me that he is on his way. He cannot wait to meet you."
Xiao Zhan's smile widens at this as he heads over to the dining table to see the range of dishes that she has set out.
It all looks and smells amazing, however as he stares at it his eyes begin to water.
The ache returns in full force, and he feels the tears once again gather in his eyes.
So he turns around before the woman can catch it.
"Where is your restroom?" he asks.
"Oh it's just down the corridor to the left," she replies, and he croaks out a quick thank you to her.
The moment he arrives at the small and tiled space, he shuts the door behind him.
And then he sinks to the floor.
He has never in his life felt this way.
So frazzled and torn, and scraped so, so raw.
Was this what it felt like to be in love? To be so taken with another person that your whole world revolves around them?
His life is currently falling apart however, and in this moment he cannot work up a single care for what is going on beyond this ... fight that he is having with Yibo. Nothing else matters and no one else matters and as he thinks of how he had left him outside and in the cold, the tears eventually fall
This is the second time today that he has cried and he cannot believe it. Before now, he cannot even remember the last time that he'd been moved to tears. Even in March, when it'd felt like his world was collapsing he hadn't shed a single tear. But in the face of this fight with Yibo... he feels himself crumbling, and it is especially scary because for once he does not know if he will be able to put himself back together without him.
He hangs his head, and grips his hair, the memory of Yibo bursting into his apartment in Shamian coming to mind.
He recalls very vividly, Yibo's smile after Xiao Zhan had mouthed off something about not caring about whether Yibo had died or not in the motorcycle accident.
He remembers that back then, his blood had turned cold as the words had come out of his mouth, regardless of the fact that he hadn't meant it.
That smile had been bitter and vindictive and in that moment, Xiao Zhan had realized that he was done for.
So as he sits here now months after and in tears, he cannot help but smile in mockery at himself.
He never had a fighting chance from the start.
Yibo is either going to completely wreck him or own him. There will be no in between.
So then what is the reason to hold back?
He knows it to the depths of his soul that beyond Yibo, there will never be another. At least to this degree. And even if there is, there will never be another Wang Yibo.
A boy ablaze with so much passion and fire, that Xiao Zhan yearns to be consumed by it all.
And then there is his stubbornness... his carelessness and his heart wrenching honesty.
He no longer wants to run away.
He has not yet processed all that he has found out today, so perhaps he is making a mistake right now but regardless, he doesn't want to run away.
So he rises to his feet.
The dampness on his cheeks have somewhat dried off so he doesn't bother attending to it. Instead he looks around the bathroom to begin his search.
He doesn't find what he is looking for and at this, his heart somewhat deflates.
But he doesn't give up.
He hurries out of the bathroom and arrives at the living room to meet that the woman now has her son in her arms, and is already feeding him.
She immediately smiles the moment he emerges.
"You're back."
Xiao Zhan returns the smile and speaks quickly, the seconds now rapidly ticking by in his head.
"I have something to ask you for. I hope you don't mind."
"Of course," she replies. "What is it?"
He has to force the words out of his mouth but at this point, he is far beyond a lot of things and amongst them is shame and hesitation.
So he parts his lips and the request falls out.
"Do you have coconut oil?"
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Xiao Zhan exists the house in a brisk stroll, with the sizable jar held against his side.
He doesn't rush anymore than is needed, allowing life the chance to save him from himself.
It takes him more than a minute to get to his vehicle, and at some point he even slows down his steps.
Please, he says over and over in his mind, hoping that Yibo has left but at the same time hoping that he has not. Whatever the circumstance, he is willing to accept it wholeheartedly.
He turns the corner ... and stops in his tracks.
Yibo is still there.
However, he has obviously not expected Xiao Zhan to return because he has lowered to a squat against the vehicle, and has his head buried in his arms.
Xiao Zhan barely breathes as he watches him, unable to even move as he feels his heart break all over again.
Not once in all his life, as he seen another look so dejected.
Once again, he cannot believe that he would have left him like this.
If he hadn't come back, Yibo would have been left to wallow like this.
His heart cannot take it.
He is unhappy with him, and perhaps things between them might never go back to how it was but to leave him so despondent.
Xiao Zhan shudders.
His resolve then is strengthened, so he continues with his approach. He gets closer and closer, but Yibo is so lost in his thoughts that he doesn't look up until Xiao Zhan's shadow literally meets his.
Yibo notices it then and instantly jumps to his feet. He staggers backwards in alarm, his entire body poised to fend off the perceived attack but then his eyes clear, and he sees who is before him.
Xiao Zhan doesn't miss the shock in his gaze, and cannot help but shake his head as Yibo blinks hard, several times.
He ignores him and unlocks the car.
However he doesn't go to the passenger or driver's seat. He slides the back door open and the gears noisily give way.
"Get in." he says as he embarks, and heads towards the back.
He places the jar down and then settles in to wait.
It takes Yibo a few moments to collect himself, but soon he is following after him.
He pulls the door shut and heads towards him. Then he takes the seat by his side and the both of them are shrouded in the dark.
For the longest time, neither of them speak.
Xiao Zhan goes over this decision once again in his mind, and the merit or immense lack of one by insisting on holding off from Yibo from the very start.
And this is because it is his belief that this kind of intimacy severely clouds ones judgement, and given the live wire that Yibo is to him, he doesn't expect for his brain to ever function properly again after he is done with him, or perhaps after Yibo is done with him.
However in this moment, and despite the tumult of emotions that are ravaging him with regards to Yibo, there is one message that he wants to drive home without the shadow of a doubt.
You're mine... until I decide that you're not.
So he turns to Yibo and speaks.
"How did you get here?"
Yibo is nervous, and he can tell from the way he is grabbing onto his knees, and in the way that he cannot quite meet his eyes.
"Uh... Shuhui came with me. He is waiting somewhere around. I t-told him that I'll call as soon as I'm done.'
Xiao Zhan's voice is as cold as ice.
"And when are you going back?"
"Tonight." Yibo replies. "There is an early morning practice for... singles da..."
His voice falters as he turns to watch Xiao Zhan, and Yibo sees something in his eyes that astounds him because he suddenly loses his ability to speak.
Xiao Zhan taps his hand against his thigh a few times, and then grabs the tail ends of his hoodie to pull over his head.
He flings the sweatshirt aside, and then his hand moves to the drawstrings of his pants. He unloosens the knot, and in the quiet of the van it is impossible to miss Yibo's sharp intake of breath.
There is a scowl on Xiao Zhan's face as he focuses all of his attention on pulling the pants down his hips and just enough to do the same to his briefs.
His cock springs out, painfully hard and virile, and then he leans forward to grab the jar.
He smears a bit of the solid onto his hands, and then begins to coat himself thoroughly from the root to the tip and then back again.
It melts into the delicate skin, and he knows now that he has lost a part of his mind because he cannot believe that he is doing this in front of another guy. It makes a bit of sense that he is doing it in front of Yibo, but still, this is so far out of left field from anything that he ever thought that he'd do in his entire life.
But at this point in time, he cares little for his past, present or future notions and contemplations.
All that he knows is that he has to have Yibo... in the most intimate way possible.
He has to be joined to him in a way that no one else ever has, and as to if he will be his last, Xiao Zhan doesn't know yet. But what he does know is that he will forever rest easy, knowing that he had the chance to be Yibo's first and he took it.
Beyond this, Yibo will have to work extra hard to prove himself but for now, he refuses to think that far ahead. After he is satisfied with how lubricated he is, he turns to Yibo and meets his gaze squarely.
"Come here," he says, but Yibo seems to have stopped working. He is frozen in place, his eyes slightly agape and his lips parted.
However beyond all that, Xiao Zhan can see the lust that is raging in his gaze.
He swallows, and at the bob of Yibo's larynx up and down his neck, Xiao Zhan feels an excruciatingly blow of arousal to his pelvis. His cock twitches in response as his breath is knocked out of him, but before he can get himself together Yibo has already moved. Xiao Zhan looks away, leaning his back against the seat as he tries to regulate his breathing.
He listens as Yibo makes quick work of his pants, the buckle of his belt crinkling in the space as well as the shuffling of his jacket as he shrugs it off.
Xiao Zhan is so aroused that he feels a headache coming, so his hand moves to his rigid length. He begins to stroke it, his grip hard and intent as he tries to relieve the painful fullness. And the sweet ache... of anticipation and ecstasy.
A deep moan escapes his lips.
Fuck! He cannot wait.
He imagines how tight Yibo will be; how it will feel to delve into his depths and have him sink down onto him. He opens his eyes then, and is just in time to see Yibo head over to him.
He is on his knees as neither of them can stand up in the space, and all Xiao Zhan wants is for their eyes to meet.
However Yibo has his attention instead on his cock.
Which is why before Xiao Zhan can stop him, Yibo leans forward and wraps his lips around the lush head.
A gasp instantly rips through Xiao Zhan, but then Yibo goes ahead to suck him, hard and he feels his head come close to exploding.
"No!" he rasps out and grabs onto Yibo's hair, albeit a bit painfully.
Yibo is reluctant, but soon Xiao Zhan is able to get his attention.
Yibo's head lifts along with the pull, and Xiao Zhan's eyes bore into his.
"No," he repeats, the harshness of his whisper reverberating through the secluded space.
"I'm fucking you today."