"If you walk away I will never let you back."
"Alright."
This is what hurts Xiao Zhan the most.
Alright? Alright?
How could he say alright?
The tears have dried off his face now, and his mind is a bit clearer but it just cannot move past this level of nonchalance from Yibo's end.
'Feelings' have always been a fickle thing to Xiao Zhan, and this is why he has never truly deluded himself into latching onto anyone. But Yibo... he latched onto him with his heart in his chest, his eyes wide open and his brain in his head.
Yibo, he loves,without a single shadow of doubt.
Beyond the hurt and betrayal he feels in the current moment.
And Yibo he has always believed, loves him too. So how then could he be so nonchalant?
Or perhaps with Yibo, the conviction is not as strong? Perhaps Yibo's passion for him burned brighter but his runs deeper?
Perhaps.
However he cannot get this statement out of his mind, and it keeps replaying until finally he reaches for the stereo and turns it on.
He would have preferred to play some music from his phone but that phone right now, represents Yibo and how easily he can reconnect back to him and he wants nothing to do with it.
He rolls the window down, and welcomes the breeze that caresses his face. Then he inhales deeply and feels his head clear up a bit more.
"If you walk away, I will never let you back."
"Alright."
It hits him then.
Perhaps this was just an acknowledgement of his statement... and nothing else.
Perhaps Yibo was simply just saying, 'I've heard you'... and nothing else.
He breathes in more easily then, and pushes away the heavy suspicion of his possible delusion.
He on the other hand had all but wished emotional catastrophe on him.
"I hope that it hurts you... deeply."
"And I hope that it rips you apart... to pieces."
He should have stopped there, but he couldn't.
"... come find me. I'll put you back together."
He takes another deep breath.
Yibo is from time to time perhaps going to crack open, but he just had to remind him in that moment that as long as you come find me... as long as you come back to me, I'll put you back together.
He means it with all of his heart.
Because he cannotlose Yibo. He refusesto.
So he forges on with his trip.
A few familiar tunes come on the stereo, and for a while it is enough to take his mind away from things.
Never however, away from Yibo and it's the little, sudden memories that hits him the hardest.
Yibo's face buried in his neck... Yibo's arms locked around his waist... Yibo stirring into his eyes, so deeply... trusting and full of adoration. He misses that, and he misses him.
He cannot believe that it has been just two days since they had last seen each other. It feels like an entire lifetime has passed since then. Perhaps this distance is their singular problem, because he has no doubt that if he were in Yibo's company right now that they would hash it all out.
Or perhaps he would result to escaping again, and just bury himself inside of Yibo.
He hasn't even touched him yet... the way he truly wants to. He hasn't delved into his depths and fucked them both into oblivion. This cannotbe the end. Just a momentary pause... just a momentary glitch in Yibo's brain.
He shakes his head and hopes with all of his heart that he is right.
An hour passes by, and then two more. By the fourth, he is beginning to starve.
Plus his tank is now halfway empty so it needs a refill.
A little while later and he pulls into a gas station.
He pulls the hood of his sweatshirt over his baseball cap as he makes use of the service, and then puts his mask on for double the obscurity as he steps into the station's mart. He grabs a cup of instant coffee to combat his lack of sleep, and some quick snacks. Pretty soon he is back in the car.
He ends up drinking just the coffee, finding that he has no appetite for the snacks, and at the quiet, he cannot help but glance at his phone.
He thinks of Nini, and knows that if she cannot reach him she willl most definitely be worried so against his better judgement, he switches his phone back on.
At first all is quiet, and then he is hit with the barrage of notifications.
This tenses him up but he continues to sip his coffee, even though it registers that most of the notifications are from Nini.
"Where are you? Please respond.
"Xiao Zhan."
He frowns and then heads over to WeChat to see what the problem is.
Her last message is what he sees first.
"Xiao Zhan, Wang Yibo is not picking my calls. You need to call him."
At this message, he freezes.
He sits up in his chair, places the cup down and begins to scroll up to her other messages.
Yibo is not responding to her? He needs to call him? Why? Has something happened to him?
He keeps reading.
"Xiao Zhan please pick up!"
"Have you seen Yibo's post?
"Where are you?"
"Things are getting worse, please call me back."
He frowns, and for a moment he wants to just fling the phone out the window but he cannot.
Yibo's post? What is she talking about?
He thinks to go on Weibo, but he wants to speak to her first to confirm that Yibo is alright so that is what he does.
"Xiao Zhan," she calls, the moment the call connects.
"Is Yibo alright?"
"Oh thank God. Why have you been unreachable?" she cries. "I've been trying to call you for hours."
"I switched off my phone."
"Don't do that! You can't do that, especially now!"
He understands her panic and upset, but he wants to get on with confirming that all is well with Yibo.
"What's happening with Yibo?" he asks, and gives her a moment to recollect herself.
"Go on his Weibo," she says."He posted a statement a few hours ago and it is not helping matters. Please tell him to take it down immediately. It's making everything worse!"
At this, Xiao Zhan feels every nerve in his body tighten with dread so without any further delay, he ends the call.
He can hear the thunderous thumping of his heart in his ears as he logs into Weibo. He doesn't even bother going to Yibo's page but instead heads straight to the hot search tab and refreshes it.
And there it is.
Wang Yibo's statement, driving the country wild.
In a matter of hours it has received more than half a millioncomments and more than 2 million reactions!
He holds his breath as he reads what he says, and by the time he is done he doesn't know how to feel.
"Why do you all want to turn our lives into a living hell? In this industry, there are those who have skill and there are those who have talent. And then there are the rare few who have both. Who do you think is going to win when push comes to shove? Back off!"
At first read, this statement seems quite clear to him so he finds it difficult to understand what all the fuss is about. He wants to call Nini back to ask what the problem is but then he decides instead to go into the comments.
"Ah you all have finally done it 😂😂. You've pushed Wang Yibo to the wall!🗡
"What do you mean by 'you all?" someone else retorts. "He's referring to Xiao Zhan! Who do you think has both talent and skill? Is it Xiao Zhan? Yibo has been training since he was a child. Cao Zhan can barely hold a note and his acting is mediocre at best. Yibo is telling you all not to bother fighting for Himont his behalf. His works will speak for him!"
"You're right! Yibo is saying that he will win at the end so don't bother smearing another's name. Xiao Zhan will sink down to the bottom all on his own.😂"
"Wow! You all are really going ahead to paint a snake and add legs! How is it that not one of you can even fathom that maybe Yibo is defending Xiao Zhan?????!?!?!? 🤬"
"You're right! Yibo has said himself that although he is skilled, he still believes that his talent is lacking. However he has praised Xiao Zhan so many times for having both. You all are just too biased. 😤"
"The rainbow fart generation!🤮"
"You mean the 'sucking Yibo's dick generation'. 🙄 Don't mind these horny teenage girls! They'll come to their senses in due time."
"YIBO IS NOT DEFENDING CIAaO ZHAN!!!! Why the hell will he defend someone that betrayed him????!?!?! 😡"
"Ah! Your royal majesty 👑. We apologize! You know all, and yes for sure, you are correct that Xiao Zhan betrayed him." 😂
"Come and see come and see 😂 it's one of Yibo's cocksuckers."
"Fuck your mother!!!" the vicious response comes and Xiao Zhan just moves his gaze away.
From there onwards, things turn even more vicious and ugly and it just...keeps... going.
Xiao Zhan lowers his hand, and gazes out of the window. He is hoping for a few more moments of silence so that he can properly process all of this but suddenly, Nini's call comes in. He finds the strength to respond to it on the last ring.
"Have you seen it?" she asks.
"I have," he replies
"And???" her tone is filled with worry and indignation.
"It's quite vague."
"Exactly! They're dragging him and they're dragging you, so there was no point at all for him to post it! In fact, there is no point at all for him to post anything, especially on his own without Yuehua's official collaboration. If he directly speaks out on your behalf, they'll say that you've brainwashed him and that he's been blinded, and if he speaks out against you they'll attack him. He cannot win so why didn't he just stay silent? Did he inform you before he posted this?"
He thinks back to the last conversation he had had with Yibo just a few hours earlier, and sighs again.
"No,"is his simple response.
"Please call him and tell him to take it down. He usually never comments on these things so I have no idea why he is speaking up now! It's just doing nothing but fueling the fire that I thought was going to start dying down today. Estee Lauder has already called and Oppo! Fans are already beginning to harass and boycott them. We haven't taken any endorsements in the last few months and if this continues we're going to lose the few that we have left!"
"Nini calm down!" he says, overwhelmed by the urgency and panic in her voice. "I'll speak to Yibo."
He ends the call then, and pulls the phone away from his ear.
He realizes now that he should never have turned it back on, but he cannot regret doing so because she is right and it is best that Yibo takes down this post.
He thinks of Yibo's statement and ponders on what he had meant with it. Unlike the public, he is aware of the depth of relationship that he has with Yibo so he is more inclined to think that Yibo's statement had been in defense of him. However he feels far from moved. Instead he just feels unhappy.
Perhaps this is his fault.
Perhaps Yibo had felt compelled to do this after Xiao Zhan's confession earlier this morning that he resented him for not trying to speak up for him earlier in the year.
The last thing he wants to do now is to call Yibo, but he knows that he doesn't have a choice.
So he pulls up Yibo's number, steels his heart against the emotions that instantly rush him, and places the call.
It rings and rings and rings, but Yibo doesn't pick up.
He is not surprised, but he is however irritated.
So he finishes his coffee, and gets the car back on the road.
At different intervals, he keeps redialing and trying to reach him however on several occasions, he sees that his call is outrightly declined and this riles him up like nothing else.
He becomes furious.
The best he can do now is to go on WeChat so he pulls up their chat room, and sends him a voice note.
"Why the fuck aren't you picking up my calls?" his insides burn with annoyance."You're going to act out again and just do whatever you want?"
He throws the phone aside and keeps driving, however when another half hour passes and Yibo has still not responded, all of his anger bubbles up to the surface. He is about to implode. He picks up his phone again but before he can place another call to Yibo, a sudden one comes in. It's his father.
Answering it was a mistake since his hand had been too quick to the screen, so he decides to quickly deal with it.
"Ba," he responds.
"Is that statement that Yibo posted in support of you or against you?"
"Ba I don't know," he replies impatiently."I don't know anything right now. He's not fucking picking up my calls!"
"He's not responding to you?"
He comes to his senses then and realizes who he is talking to.
"Ba I'll call you back. I have something else to handle right now."
He doesn't wait for his response and ends the call. Then he dials Yibo again.
He is expecting the call to disconnect or be declined as has been the case the last dozens of times, but this time however it connects!
He is so surprised that when Yibo's voice fills the car through the speakers, he is a bit startled.
But he soon remembers why he is calling.
"Is this a new habit of yours?" he asks."Ignoring my calls?"
"I'm working," Yibo replies."What is it?"
Xiao Zhan inhales deeply and then exhales, needing to calm his agitation.
"Your post," he says."Take it down. Right now."
At this, Yibo goes silent. "Why?"
Xiao Zhan cannot believe him!"What do you mean why?"he asks. "Are you not reading the comments? Can't you see that it's just adding to the fire?"
"So?" Yibo says."Whether it adds to the fire or not, I've said what I wanted to say."
Xiao Zhan feels the fuse inside of him explode!
"You fucking-" he begins with gritted teeth, but is able to quickly halt the vile word that was about to come out of his mouth.
He takes a different route.
"Why the hell are you so selfish?" he rages. "Why the fuck do you always just do what you want to?"
"Xiao Zhan," Yibo's response follows, low and cold. "Who the hell are you talking to?"
"You! Wang Yibo! I'm talking to you. Why the hell are you saying anything now? You've always been the expert at keeping silent when it matters the most, so why the hell are you talking now?"
Yibo goes silent and Xiao Zhan pauses to catch his breath.
He has gone too far, he knows, but all he wants is some peace and no one wants to give it to him.
"Yibo," he release a shuddering breath."Take down that post."
"Fuck you." Yibo says, and Xiao Zhan feels something excruciatingly cold slither through him.
"What?"
"Who are you to tell me to take down my post?"
"Wang Yibo," he calls out in disbelief.
"I'm not taking it down! I didn't put it up there because of you in the first place."
Xiao Zhan is stunned."Ah," he says. "So they're right? You put it up there to diss me. I'm the one with only talent or skill that you're referring to."
Yibo goes silent.
"Xiao Zhan," he eventually speaks."I'm going to end this call now before you take this to a place that neither of us can ever come back from."
"Oh no," Xiao Zhan refuses."Let's take it there. What are you hiding from? Let's lay it all out."
He pulls the car off the road and parks it on the side.
"Xiao Zhan," Yibo calls."What has come over you?"
"What has come over you? Why do you keep being so careless with everything? You're not a fucking child, so why do you keep doing things that only bring devastating consequences to those around you?"
"Xiao Zhan, what things have I done that have brought devastating consequences to those around me?"
It hits Xiao Zhan then that he is now indeed going too far so he gets a grip on his temper, and takes a deep breath.
"You know what Yibo, you can do whatever you want. Leave the post up for all I care."
"You better not end this call," Yibo tells him. "If you truly want us to be done forever then go ahead and end this call."
"Are you threatening me?"
"I am," he says."So go ahead. Fucking end this call and see if I talk to you again till the day that I die."
Xiao Zhan is astounded."Wang Yibo."
He wants to end the call now, with all of his might but he doesn't dare. He truly doesn't dare because he has never heard Yibo sound this way before.
"Xiao Zhan, you're going to speak to me right now, and you're going to tell me every single grievance that you have against me."
Xiao Zhan's heart is about to fly out of his chest.
"I have nothing against you."
"You fucking liar!" Yibo roars."If you don't have anything against me then why are so angry with me? I'm selfish? I always do what I want? I'm the expert at keeping silent when it matters the most? If this is how you feel about me then why did you fucking tell me that you love me? Were you lying about that too?"
"Wang Yibo!"
"Xiao Zhan! I'm tired of walking on egg shells around you so lay it all out, right now!
Xiao Zhan swallows. "I have nothing to say to you. All I wanted to say I already said to you this morning."
"That you resent me? For not speaking up for you? For being careless and for having a better fate than you? Do you really believe all of that? Do you really believe that these are the cruces of our problems? If you really do then you are fucking deluded."
"Wang Yibo."
"Xiao Zhan, all you've ever done is hold back from me. Guard yourself against me. You were right about one thing this morning and that is the fact that you are wary of me, but it is not because you resent me for whatever reason you've managed to cook up in your head. It's because you suspect me isn't it? You suspect that both me and my company are behind all the attacks against you, but you've been too afraid to bring it up. You have refused to bring it up. Isn't this why you came to Beijing? Isn't this what you wanted to speak to me about?"
Xiao Zhan feels as though his entire body has been slammed into a boulder.
"Xiao Zhan," Yibo continues."It seems that this is a pattern with us, but I'm going to say this to you yet again: ask me what you truly want to ask. Be fucking brave for once."
Xiao Zhan is now in a state of such astonishment, that he feels as though the entire world beyond the car has stopped. All that he can do now is stare dumbfoundedly at his phone.
"Xiao Zhan!"Wang Yibo growls.
He swallows.
"Alright," he says."Is your company behind the attacks against me?"
"I don't know," he replies. "But I have heard the rumours, and I do have my suspicions. And no, I've never looked into it and before now, I've never even bothered to do anything about it."
Xiao Zhan feels something rip inside of him, and begin to bleed out.
"Alright,"he says."I've heard you."
"Isn't this why you've been wary of me? Isn't this why you've always remained guarded against me?"
"Yibo," he says quietly. "We've said enough for today. And you don't have to take the post down. You can do whatever you want."
"It's my stance," Yibo says. "In the midst of all of this, it's my stance, so I don't want to take it down."
"Okay," he says.
He reaches out then to end the call, and sees that his hand is trembling.
"Zhan ge," Yibo calls, and at the endearment, his heart nearly gives out.
He cannot speak, because his throat has closed up.
"What's your stance? When it comes to me... what's your stance?"
Xiao Zhan thinks on his question.
Truly and deeply.
However he doesn't find a response, so he taps on the phone's screen without a word, and disconnects the call.
Notes:
"Now this is the roast I signed up for." Grabs popcorn* 😅