SMILE
Chapter 8: Dance with the devil, you'll burn
Nicole's P.O.V
5:00 am.
My alarm blared.
I took the sheets off so quick as I jumped out and put on my flip flop. I knelt down, my psych gown covering my knees and my hands clasped together, eyes closed.
"Dear lord, please don't let me be stabilized today." I pleaded.
"Please let mum come get me out of this hell. I need to see Ariana again. And let my dad's soul rest in perfect peace." I prayed, doing the sign of the trinity I had learnt.
"Let us all be happy together when mum comes back for me. Even if its been a month in here now." I sighed, leaning on a bit of hope.
"Psych ward is hell. Yes it is!" I admitted, feeling already irritated just by spitting out those words.
"But at least its my hell, not theirs." I muttered, begging the lord for forgiveness on behalf of my family who never came for me.
"Anger isn't perfection." I repeated this words severally. They were mum's before she discarded me.
"Please, lord, please." I begged in conclusion. "Let thy will be done!"
Door opens.
Screams.
Slaps.
Will these nightmares ever end?
"Shit." I muttered, catching my phone before it finally landed on the floor. "Double shit." I cursed, staring at the books that fell off my arm, scattered on the floor.
"Need help?" Asked Juliana Cross, casually leaning against my own locker while typing away on her phone, not taking a moment to look away from it. Not even once.
"Sure." I answered, crossing my arms. "When you're done texting and leaning against my locker."
"Oh good, cos I was not planning on helping either." There was no hint of sarcasm laced in her tone as she spoke, still not putting her phone away. "No need to show off my panties to the whole of Standard high." She explained.
"Then why did you ask?" I asked, furrowing my brows.
"Don't know." She shrugged. "And I suggest you don't either, cos we are both dressed like hoes." She said, moving out of my locker to the one beside it. Still typing.
"Speak for yourself." I ignored her, earning a scowl in return, to which I flipped her off, before picking my books and placing it into my locker once I unlocked it. "Why are we here again?" I asked Juliana, pushing the books in.
"We're waiting for Ella so we can go to practice." She explained. I took out my duffel bag slowly, afraid the books may fall out.
"It has been ten minutes." I said, leaning against my closed locker.
"Coach is so gonna lose her shit." She laughed. "Oh, she just texted me. . . on her way."
¶¶¶¶
The double doors made a loud slam, drawing all attention as we walked into what I supposed was the gym class. The jocks and girls
who were warming up, the balls that lay on the court, the hoop at both ends, and the large courts in there which had the imprint of S.H.S on each mid section, didn't go unnoticed. Not by me,
Not even the drools from the boys who put on jerseys, or the scowls and smiles from the girls who put on sports bra and mini shorts like us - most of them in ponytail, and two coaches - one cool and the other about to blow up. None of all went unnoticed.
From the corner of my eye, I watched Ella flash them a sweet smile. Juliana gave her signature smirk. And me being me, blank.
"Would you three like to tell me why you're late?!" A middle aged woman asked, arms crossed as she looked at us with disgust. I assumed she was the female coach from her dressing and whistle hanging over her neck.
I watched Ella open her mouth but no words formed. She put on a frown. Juliana shrugged. I just could not care less. Not at all.
"Run laps at the other side. Now!" The coach yelled, pointing to the other side of the court which was filled up with a lot of jocks. Nice.
After the little show, everyone resumed with what they were doing. "I can't believe this." Ella muttered, walking over to the other side and sighing in defeat.
"We'll live." Juliana said, patting I and Ella's back as we proceeded to the other side of the court. "In fact, I think something went up coach's ass and died up there." At this, Ella laughed. Juliana smiled.
This side of the court was filled with sweaty jocks who were running laps. But that didn't stop them from throwing us winks, and whistling. Soon enough, I, Juliana and Ella joined alongside.
As I got ready to sprint forward,I decided to stretch my arms a bit. Ignoring almost all the jocks on the court didn't seem to get them off my back nor stop the endless winks. So I turned my attention elsewhere, finding something else to distract my attention.
But instead of something else,I found someone else. Found him.
His back faced me with a ball in his hands, behind him. I watched as he shielded it away from his opponent, a blonde haired boy who was apparently, also good looking but could not compare to his opponent; Nicklaus Crown.
Couldn't deny it.
He was not even trying hard - in contradiction to the blonde who dripped of sweat. For Nicklaus, his height over the other jock was a favour to him too. Handy.
Each hand he rose up in attempt to keep the ball in his hold and away from his opponent, made his muscles move in the most intriguing way I never thought was possible. It was obvious they were just messing around. But I could not help but wonder how it'd be if he were actually serious.
I continued to eye rape him, oblivious to this myself - watched his every move as he dribbled, bounced and lifted the ball. It was confusing how I could find just his back amazing. Thoughts of this conflicted a lot of things in reality. I shook my head. You'll hurt him if you get too close. Just like everyone else.
Once I regained myself, I was just about ready to tear my eyes away from him ,even if it meant turning back for some more winks. But I was too late.
He saw me.
"You've gotta be kidding me." I muttered. His blue eyes found mine, and so did his smirk.
I mentally thanked God when he turned back around. But that was short lived once I noticed he had only done that to motion to the blonde hair something that got the latter nodding in understanding, then leaving.
I cursed under my breath as Nicklaus made his way to me. He caught me staring at him. His deepened smirk proved that.
I groaned, putting a final stop to my stretches. I tore my gaze off him, forcefully. I turned, getting ready to run some laps. I could still here his footsteps though. They had quickened,and so did my mine. Except, I ran instead.
Anything to get away from him,right now. I thought, mind going with the same equation.
I doubled up my speed, and so did the adrenaline that pumped inside of me. I felt the wind waves around me but not the people running with me. I felt each step I took, but not myself.
I shut my eyes close.
My feet were hurting, my hands were trembling, my body was heating, my lips were quivering and my body was pleading - to stop - but I could not. I had to. It was not a choice nor were there options. But I still could not.
I tried stopping my feet but they would not respond. No matter how much I tried nor how much they hurt, it wouldn't stop. Like I couldn't control myself, I couldn't control it. It seemed to have a mind of its own now.
I shut my eyes open.
I was in no sports bra and mini shorts anymore. I was in a gown; in psych wear. God, no! I tore my eyes away and upwards.
The creamy walls appeared in exchange for the original colour of the court which seemed to disappear too, in exchange for a hallway. A hallway too familiar, the one I have been into so many times. The one I thought I left.
I squinted my eyes as I traced the writings on the wall. The visible printing ink wasn't black. No, it was red. It was blood. And it spelt a name; Nicole River Montez.
My name. My blood.
No! No! No! It couldn't be real and yet it seemed like it was. The hoops at both ends confirmed it since they were now exchanged for dim lights hanging. All the jocks seemed to be exchanged for patients in the same clothing as mine. Each coach had turned to either a doctor or a security officer. But I would not believe it. Fuck. I fought with my head.
The adrenaline mixed with my thirst of anger once my eyes settled on the ground. The once spelt S.H.S on the court was transformed into another writing. My heartbeat grew rapid, without direction nor limits as I saw the new writing; P.W.P.H. Written so very boldly.
Psych ward. Psych hell.
I screamed mentally, physically and emotionally. It was hunting me, taunting me and hurting me, again. But not in a dream - this time around. Rather, in reality.
Nicole! Come to me! I can fix you, make you perfect.
Isn't that what you want? For your anger issues to be dealt with? For Ariana. For your dad.
I nodded.
Then come to me. Come now,child. Come. To. Me.
The voices were more than just voices. They seemed so real that I could just touch them even and feel them. And I wanted to. Everything felt so wrong and yet, so right. But when was I one to care about the consequences?
I lifted my hands to reach to it. Just a little bit more. I thought, moving closer and closer.
You can do it. I believe in you!
Your mum believes in you.
"No!" I screamed at the word I heard---mum.
I suddenly got myself back. But it was too late. I could not stop running to it. It wanted me. And I was so close to it. So close.
Until my hand was dragged back to reality.
I turned to find my rescue, my saving grace. I was so close, so close to death. And I wasn't able to stop. No matter how hard I tried. My hands were found in rough ones, the ones of whom saved me,the ones of which I was thankful for. The ones of whom I stopped for. My saving grace.
For once, I stopped.
For him, I stopped.
And there I stood as the created image faded back into the basketball court I found myself in. And just like that, I stumbled, the same body frame catching my tired body before it could hit the floor.
I looked up,up to him. The electricity in his blue eyes turned into something I could not even understand. But though I could not understand it, I knew what it was once I looked through it.
He was hurting too.
I wanted to touch his face, to feel his jawline, to wipe off his sweat, to run my hands through those dark hair. His face was vibrating furiously as he shook me, knelt over. I could sense the crowd behind him and I, the gasps fading slowly in my ears. He was calling out to me but I could not answer, not even if I wanted to.
But I wanted to. For some reason, I had to.
Then everything grew blurry, my body was shutting down slowly, my eyes left open as I stared at him, my mouth trying to form a word before my whole senses shut. I felt his touch on my bare skin, letting me know he was picking me up in his arms. Like a bride. The contact was sudden.
Like his heartbeat over my ears.
"Nicklaus..." I trailed off, my eyes closing slowly as he held me tight with a strong grip. I struggled to make a word still. "I stopped."
Darkness.
¶¶¶¶
White lights pierced into my eyes as I opened them slowly, letting them adjust to it a bit. My eyes widened more as I pulled off a black and white sheet I did not recognize as mine. I got up, blue pillow that I seemed to have been placing my head on, falling off the bed head rest. Comfortable.
I examined the room. Blue, black and white adorning its features and everything in there were all screaming expensive. The room was definitely familiar but I did not understand why because it surely wasn't mine.
A chill wind knocked my legs, making me look down to my exposed legs. I checked my body thoroughly, all past events hitting me all at once at the sight of the mini shorts and sports bra I was still in.
I frowned, remembering that I ran, again. But this time - for the first time - I stopped, purposely. It was all because of Nicklaus. My mouth twitched at the thought of him. And that's when realisation hit me as I stared at the room.
Nicklaus'.
Almost immediately, a familiar voice I was starting to get used to spoke, interrupting my thoughts. "What's happened?" He asked.
I froze. And even though I didn't turn to face him, I knew it was him. I could tell apart Nicklaus' voice anytime. "Why am I here?" I asked, completely avoiding his question and still not turning to face him.
I heard him sigh from behind me, silence taking over before he spoke up. "Your house was not exactly the closest to school after leaving the nurse's office. So, Ella and the others decided we bring you here." He said, his voice either hiding something or wrecked by nervousness. "They are all downstairs, waiting for you." He added,acting completely oblivious to my actual question.
"I said, why am I here?" I asked, again. "In your room?"
"You are welcome?" He asked. "I also remember asking what had happened." Damn, he was good.
I turned to face him this time and I almost regretted it.
His blue eyes widened with mine because of the shock. His lips were bleeding and swollen. His face was worse, cuts and blood designing its features. My eyes trailed down his bare chest, a long cut running over his abs.
Even his fists were hurt as he squeezed them shut and put them inside the pocket of his black pants, hiding them away from me. I stood there, shock taking over me before he turned his face away from me, his blue electrifying eyes along.
The sight of him like this hurt me more than I was hurting myself.
I took a step. Then I took more, moving closer to him till I was directly in front of him. My hand reached for his face. And before I could,he flinched away, like I was unwanted. And perhaps, I was.
But that did not stop me from reaching for his chin,making him face me forcefully. He shifted his gaze away and I brought his face back to mine with my other hand now supporting. Right now, he had no choice but to face me.
I wanted his attention right now.
I could see it, feel it even. The vulnerability in his eyes alerted me. I stared into electrifying eyes like I was glued to them. I wanted to take it all away, the pain and all the troubles he was facing, I wanted to take it all away. Even if it meant adding more to mine.
His eyes flickered to my lips for a while. I could see his eyes darken as they trailed down to my chest area,roaming around and down to my bare legs. Then in an instant, it came back to my lips. He then muttered something I could not catch except for the word beautiful.
He leaned in closer and closer, bending a bit due to his height. He was so close to my face that I could feel his breath fan my face. He got closer,again. This time, his lips were less than an inch away from mine. They brushed mine.
I wanted to pull him even closer, wanted his incoming lips to take over mine. I wanted to feel his touch and to just be in his hold. I wanted to feel safe in him, to just hide in him. Lord, I wanted him.
But I couldn't have him, not even if I wanted to. The reason being I wasn't 'beautiful' like he claimed. At least, not on the inside. He deserved perfect, not a psycho.
Perfection didn't run in my veins.
Never did. Never will.
I was the devil itself and not the saint he probably thinks of me. And everyone knows the saying; dance with the devil, you'll burn.
And with the swift of my right hand on his chest, ignoring the blood from the scar which stained my hands physically, I pushed him away.
The shock on his face caused me to regret my action and the frown he put on only made things worse. But I knew I was doing this for my own sake and his. So despite the heavy thud that dropped in my chest, I still did what I always seemed to do.
"Nicklaus," I muttered, my hand resting on his room door. But before I could utter, something harsh came out from his mouth.
Something I deserved.
"That was a mistake."
Was it really, Nick? Was it?
"Of course." I said. My hands reached for the door as my mind spoke instead of my heart. "I'd never kiss filth."
Then I left.