"I'm sorry."
Anastasia has always known words were powerful, yet she hasn't expected three little words wrapped in Nathaniel's smooth voice could have that much control over her heart rate; she hasn't expected those three little words to freeze her as she is currently feeling wrapped in heaven.
She can't find any reason for him to be sorry with his fingers softly massaging her scalp and soothing all her tensions, and every part of his body touching hers to create their unique cozy bubble of happiness.
"What?" She lifts up her head to meet his chocolate gaze, and his fingers instantly travel to smoothen her frown.
He is easily pulling her to relax under his touch, but the preoccupation in his eyes doesn't let her heart find back its peaceful rhythm.
"I'm sorry," he repeats, holding her gaze with so much sincerity in his dark turmoil. "For yesterday... I didn't get the chance to tell you, but I'm sorry for what I said, how I greeted you, and how I lashed out at you... I had no right to tell you what to do, and you've done nothing wrong..." He lets out a sigh, for once being the one with a pronounced frown.
"Oh, that?" She breathes out a sigh too, though hers is out of relief.
What has she even thought? She doesn't know exactly; it is something like a bad feeling leaving her shivering deep in her bones, but as long as she is in Nathaniel's warm arms, she is fine.
"That's forgotten. We were both stressed, and I think you made amends for it pretty well..." She offers him a sweet and devious smirk that he can't even understand.
He can't understand how she can look so devilishly innocent. He can't understand how she can be so kind when she has every reason to be mad, and mostly, he can't understand how things are flowing so easily with no awkwardness. They can fight; they can run away from each other, yet they always find their way back to each other, pulled by an irresistible force.
"You're sure?"
"Yes, it's nothing. I won't be mad for a little fit of jealousy." She shrugs, the words sounding so casual between her rosy lips, while he repeats the three syllables, almost dumbfounded.
"Jealousy?"
"I don't know. You tell me?" Her doe eyes are staring at him so genuinely, not even expecting an answer. Maybe she knows already.
Jealousy, it isn't the word, rather foreign to him, that is catching his breath, but what it implies. His mouth is dry as if pronouncing this word has been talking a million others, and they're all clashing in his head.
However, Anastasia stops them all, giving him a simple answer with her lips brushing his.
The kiss is intense like everything they share, yet so light and almost fragile, and too soon, she pulls away with a small smile, satisfied to have shut his thoughts and messed up all his nerve-endings as she goes back to their previous cuddling position.
Though this time, she keeps her gaze on his, offering him a heavenly view of all the enigmatic colors that he's never seen twice exactly the same. There is always a different amount of green, brown, and gray, always a new shade and so many emotions illuminating them.
He has a feeling he could gaze at her eyes for the rest of his life and always be amazed by new nuances. It's too easy to forget their time is limited when she's in his arms like this, so soft and warm, wearing his tee-shirt and no tension on her features. Nothing seems to exist outside of their treehouse.
Jealousy, the word is still echoing in the back of his mind with other questions that appear less scary when his angel is so close to dissipate any dark cloud.
"Can I ask you a question?" He breaks the comfortable silence once more, his voice sounding haunted with so many questions, and for once, Anastasia is the one who lets it be.
It isn't that she has forgotten all the problems waiting outside, yet right now, there is no one around, and they are in their safe place, so they can't reach her. She only focuses on Nathaniel as she encourages him to talk with a nod, leaning closer until their noses are almost touching in hopes of strengthening their peaceful bubble and soothing him.
"Do you remember at the shelter when we..."
"When we have given in and come again?" She smiles, remembering that day too well.
It feels like a lifetime ago, when in reality, it has barely been one month ago. Things have changed so much since then.
Yet thinking about it, it hasn't been much different as yesterday. They have already shared this precious chemistry; there has already been jealousy, or whatever Nathaniel wants to call it, and they have ended up breaking the law, driven by their ardent emotions and this inexplicable attraction.
"Yes!" He chuckles, his angel always knowing how to lighten the mood and make his haunting thoughts vanish in light laughs or burning touches.
However, he has to ask those questions that he's dreading the answer. "You said you were on the pills, but you added 'for now'..."
She tenses before he has even finished, a jolt as if waking up from a dream in a cold sweat, and he immediately wants to swallow the question back. "I–"
"It's because of Fergus." She lets out a sigh, faint but heavy enough to guess it's been weighing on her chest for too long, and it's now squeezing his own lungs. "As soon as we'll be married he wants to... to start a family..." Even if she's speaking the words quietly, knowing how harsh they sound for him, they still echo deafeningly like a brutal punch.
He doesn't know if it can be called jealousy, but this word doesn't even begin to describe the hatred towards this man growing deep inside his guts, the powerlessness taking over every inch of his muscles, and the pain crushing his chest. It's spreading through his veins like a lethal poison.
"I don't want that..."
It should make him feel better, yet maybe it's only worse because, with the cracks of her whisper, the sour poison is seeping into every part of him.
"Not now... Not with Fergus..." she sounds like she's just sorting out loud what is haunting her for too long, and Nate doesn't know what to do.
He's paralyzed by her vulnerable confession and by the poisonous emotions consuming him inside, and the only thing he can do is caressing her delicate face with his fingers, savoring her skin while she is still there in front of him.
"I'm sorry..."
"It's not your fault." She offers him a smile that softens under the touch of his fingers.
"Have you already... slept with him?" The words are out of his mouth before he can even control it, maybe pushed by jealousy or something else, though this time, his head is cooler, frozen by the painful reality that he has no claim on this, on her, on them, and he adds, "You don't have to answer this... If you don't want to..."
He isn't even sure why he's asking those questions that are only bringing the pressure of the world outside back to weigh on their fragile bubble. It's against their 'let it be', yet 'let it be' is maybe just an impossible concept.
They can try to take it one day at a time and not worry; however, the days are inching closer to the dreaded deadline, and turning a blind eye doesn't keep away all those dark clouds lingering more and more threateningly. They need to be addressed before they suffocate them fully.
"No, it's okay. You have the right to know."
No, he has no right actually. But his heart still skips a beat.
"And no, I haven't," she confesses, sending his heart in another leap, even if it's just for one second. "I know I'll have to... soon..."
There, his heart is already falling back down with a crushing weight. Soon, that word is ticking in his head, in his chest, everywhere; it's the dangerous bomb with the explosion that will be more devastating than he's expected.
"But I don't want to..." She nibbles on her lips, her soft troubled gaze searching for his from under the crease of her eyebrows, which he's trying to smooth with the pad of his fingers but that always reappears.
He hates to see her like this, tense and haunted, and he hates even more how powerless her confession is leaving him. Yet he'd rather let her get it out of her chest, even if he's suffocating under the vice grip of his own ribcage, and he knows it's worth it with her faint movements from the sole of her feet grazing his calves to her eyelids fluttering under his touch, showing how she's slowly relaxing and how much she trusts him.
"I don't know if it's because of everything he imposes on me or..." She can't even finish her sentence, finding herself breathless.
Though no matter how hard it is to get the words out, she realizes it is now easier to take in oxygen.
Nathaniel is the only one to whom she can tell everything, and his strong arms are there to help her bear all those burdens. She isn't alone, and it is as frightening as it is comforting.
"Anyway... I'm also scared of what will happen when he finds out that I'm not..." It seems she can't even pronounce one full sentence.
The words are terrifying, and the look in his tender eyes lets her know they are also scaring him. She buries her head into his neck to avoid this sight, which she sees too often: the dark clouds of fear, guilt, and just the reality of the world threatening to swallow them both. But today, he doesn't let her, and as he grabs her cheeks, she is only met with the serious intensity of his tenebrous gaze.
"You know I won't let anyone hurt you, right?"
In his eyes, she doesn't doubt he is willing to fight the whole world to protect her. Yet they might harm themselves even more than anyone could.
"Don't worry." She offers him a smile that she tries to be as confident as her trembling nerves can allow. "I'm probably finding excuses and stalling because I don't want it... because I don't want to do it with anyone else than you..."
Here it is, the scary truth she has tried to avoid, and she widens her eyes almost as much as his as she realizes her rambling has once more led her a little too far in front of his attentive eyes. Though at least, it dispels a part of the worry there, and the blood is rushing to her cheeks with the loud thumps of her heart as his look doesn't flicker: just chocolate shades wide enough to distinguish every little sparkle, and she has to avert her gaze down.
"It's stupid... I..."
"I understand... I'm not doing it with Pamela either."
She snaps her head back up, her hammering heart now needing to see his eyes. "You... You don't have to lie, you know, I can–"
"It's the truth," he assures, and his gaze doesn't leave her any doubt, catching her breath and heart away. "Well, I sleep in the same bed as her, but that's all. I haven't done it since our 'let it be', and I think even a little before..." He furrows his eyebrows as if trying to recall an impossible time where they haven't let it be. "I keep avoiding it, finding lies and excuses..."
She has been dreading this question because the haunting images of all those times she has glimpsed him with his wife have been already too painfully sour. However, she hasn't expected this answer, neither to feel so divided. Her heart is soaring, yet her chest is still constricting. She doesn't know Pamela personally, but she surely doesn't deserve those lies.
"I know it's dangerous because she might suspect something, and I can't keep avoiding it, but I don't know..." He lets out a heavy sigh, his teddy brown gaze not wavering away from hers, maybe in a testimony of his honesty, or maybe just seeking an answer in her eyes.
He is always so certain about 'letting it be', always the one reassuring her, and it's him who has suggested it in the first place. Nevertheless, under his strong shield, he is as lost and scared as she is, and she will be there to share his burdens too.
"I feel like it would be betraying both of you..." he finally adds, but it's Anastasia who heaves out a sigh, biting the hint of a smile on her lips "What?"
"This is not helping me. You're only making me want you more." She lets her grin break out freely on her features, and it's such a contrast with the first time she has pronounced these exact same words.
He remembers vividly when they've been fighting their irresistible attraction, and just the slight frown above her magnetizing eyes reminds him why he never wants to go back to those times. The way she's warming his whole chest is worth all those dark clouds.
He's known this talk would lead them nowhere, that it wouldn't magically erase the problems, yet he hasn't expected it would only bring them closer.
"I guess I'm sorry..." His smile holds no regret though, as she cuddles closer.
It's one of the things he likes the most about Anastasia: no matter how haunted he is, she always has the talent to make him smile, even if actually, he can't decide what he likes the most about her, her delicate body, her strong mind...
"It would be easier if we could have sex with whoever we want, be with whoever we want..." she whispers the strong words, and in the soft and innocent hazel shades of her eyes, he can catch clearly the fierce spark growing.
He even pictures the fire it could light up, and all his protective instincts are awakening as he wraps his arms tighter around her, his heart pounding too fast for just a few mindlessly said words, and so close, she can feel it against her own ribcage.
When he starts trailing his lips along the most sensitive parts of her neck, the ones that dissolve all her resolve away and blur her mind, there is no doubt left about his intentions.
"I think it's my turn to ask you a question..." She doesn't yield to his distracting techniques, although her firm sentence sounds a lot like a moan, and as his lips stop just above the sweet skin below her left ear, her question could easily be dissolved in tingles if he just kept going.
That's what he does actually, languorously leaving a kiss there, yet he still answers, "Yes?"
His arms tighten their grip around her waist as if afraid someone would try to take her away from him, and this touch makes her melt even more than his mouth now sucking slowly on her neck.
It's a miracle she finds her words, but this question has been intriguing her for too long to forget it.
"Have you ever broken the law before? I mean, you know I haven't... but you?"
He instantly lets out a sigh of relief, which creates goosebumps on her hot skin. He's been expecting more dangerous questions, and even if this may not be insignificant, it still sounds better for now.
This, he can answer, and he doesn't really have a choice when she takes advantage of his lips stopping to pull away and look at him, her luminous gaze diving into his.
"Yes, I have."
He isn't surprised by the shock widening her eyes – after all, he's a goodie-two-shoes as Darrell always calls him – yet his breath is still caught by the hint of hurt and disappointment crossing them. So he quickly explains,
"It was way before my marriage. After our first year at the military school, Darrell brought me to some wild party. I was totally wasted, and I lost my virginity to some girl I don't even remember the name."
Her eyes are still as large, as if they didn't break the law almost every day, yet he understands, as, for him, it is nothing like the special connection they share.
"For those people, it was usual, but I tortured myself for months, and I was so mad at Darrell for making me go there."
"Darrell?! He doesn't seem like someone who would break the law! I mean from what you've told me," she adds, remembering that she hasn't mentioned the threat episode at the laundry room, and now knowing this, it seems even stranger.
"Yes, he's the wild one, and usually I'm more the serious one."
She smiles because she is also the serious one around most people, but when they are together, they are both wild, and she focuses on Nathaniel's big brown eyes before her mind starts to wonder if it's a good thing or not, or even try to decipher what is driving them to this recklessness.
"Though neither of us broke the law again because soon after, we've started our mission in hell." He averts his gaze from hers, although she can still guess the dark clouds invading it.
He does this every time he mentions 'hell'; it's like he is afraid those clouds chasing him could take her away. Yet she wants to be there for him like he is for her. He isn't alone, and she is there to face all the ghosts haunting him and soothe him in her own way as she softly kisses his jaw, his cheeks, his nose, and up to the corner of his eyes to finally bring his gaze back on hers.
"Well, for me, until I saved an angel stuck in a steam room..."
"Angel?" She giggles when she finds his sly smile again. "I thought you were an angel!"
And she still has doubts when he is gazing at her that way, the same tenebrous shades as the first time she has crossed them, and she has been brought back to life with new sensations awakening her body.
"Really?!" He chuckles, all the shadows of hell gone from his eyes as they reminisce this heavenly day, and the heat of that steam room is still burning her cheeks as she replies,
"Yes, that's why I asked you if I was in heaven..."
"Really? I thought it was because you were fallen from heaven."
"You must have realized after that I'm far from angelic..." She half-smiles as he keeps gazing at her like she is too pure and precious.
"You're my angel." He dives his gaze into hers, although it feels like she is the one plunging and melting into the intense dark shades. "My sinful angel."
"My hero." She closes the inch separating their smiles.
***
Nate heaves out a sigh, staring down at his still-full plate. He hasn't managed to untangle the mess of noodles and vegetables that resembles a lot his brain, nor has he found any appetite. He doesn't seem to digest the hot pepper that he likes so much, though maybe it's something else twisting his stomach.
He gets up to throw away the food, knowing he won't be able to eat, and the restlessness in his legs and his whole body is rushing him to escape the large room.
Yet as he gives a glance around, his eyes passing absent-mindedly on all the shiny equipment that has left Anastasia speechless, and landing on Pamela sitting at one counter, with her laptop and her plate in front of her, his stomach turns again, faster than the needles of the clock. Even before looking at the time, he realizes that he's been there for barely five minutes, and he's already trying to run away, while he's dreaming to share meals and endless moments with Anastasia.
Maybe it's guilt that is ruining his appetite and eating him alive. Actually, he knows that it isn't even that simple; there's so much more, and one of those feelings is leading his feet to turn around and walk back to Pamela.
"Can I ask you a question?" He has no idea where he's going with this, but at least, he's still standing in this kitchen.
"Mhm..." Pamela nods, not taking her eyes off her laptop as he stops in front of her.
"Have you ever been jealous?" The question echoes in the silence of the room, and with each second resonating, he regrets it more.
But she's his wife, Pamela. He's known her for more than two years now, and even if he doesn't want her the way he desperately needs Anastasia, they still have formed a bond. So he can speak honestly to her. Maybe like a friend, she can help him take some weight off his chest or clear his mind.
"Uh... no, I don't think – Oh yes, I have!" She finally tears her gaze away from the screen, her brown eyes meeting his expectant ones, as he's preparing to get some weight off his chest or more crushing guilt. "I'm so jealous of Terry and Benjamin's house!"
His chest slouches down with a sigh, while she continues, "With their view on the city and their large patio... But maybe we could buy a bigger house when you get your promotion."
This house already feels too empty and big, and his mind is traveling back to Anastasia and their daydreams of living in the small treehouse. The knots in his stomach are still there, yet these thoughts are creating tingles in them. That's probably what pushes him to insist on his question.
"I'm not talking about envy of material things. I'm talking about people... Have you never been afraid that someone could take someone that you care about away from you, his or her attention and affection?" He exhales deeply, closing his eyes to try to form the right and safe words to express it. "I don't know... with me or someone else..."
Her big eyes only widen, blinking at him as if he's just said the most ridiculous thing ever. "Why would I be jealous? You're my husband. We're the perfect couple."
The perfect couple, the more he hears this expression that he's known his whole life, the more his stomach burns sourly.
"What would I be afraid of? You love me, and I love you. That's how it's supposed to be, that's the law." She shrugs, already going back to whatever important matter is displaying on her screen.
She's completely unaware that she's only added more burden on his chest, the pressure on his ribcage pushing his next words directly from his heart as he's mindlessly twisting the ring on his ring finger. "But is it really love if it's forced?"
Love, the big word is out, even if it's just a quiet mutter, and surprisingly, it doesn't knock his breath out like he's expected. On the contrary, his ribcage is opening, at least, until he hears Pamela's loud sigh.
"What are those questions? I don't have time right now. I have to send thanks and organize the next events for the association." Her gaze comes back to him, her eyebrows raising, and it's a contrast with how he imagines Anastasia would frown and try to dig deeper.
"Um... I was just thinking about how it was before the decree and all, when people were free to –" He stops himself in front of Pamela's eyes growing larger.
There are some things that cannot be said, and the warnings are ringing in his ears, sounding a lot like the arrest sirens of the army.
"Forget it. It must be the hangover from yesterday, and I'm tired..." He shakes his head, trying to stop the deafening ringing and the thumps of his heart that are almost as loud. "I'm gonna go to sleep."
He glances at her again to find her already back to typing on her laptop, and this time, he doesn't try to stay one more second in this room, his feet rushing as fast as the beats of his heart.
Pamela hasn't helped him, and he can't be honest with her because she wouldn't understand. He can't blame her though. He hasn't known what has been jealousy before either; he hasn't known love.
Jealousy, love... Those are some big words, what do you think? 😏😉😍👀 Do you think they'll confess them to each other? 🤔😏 The next chapters are going to be fun... 😉🤭
Anyway, what do you think of all these questions so far? Just a few questions have revealed a lot about what Nate, Ana, and even Pamela are thinking!
And personally, I just love these little Natesia moments!! They're sooo cute 😍😍 , aren't they?
Don't forget to vote ⭐ and comment if you liked this chapter!! I can't even explain the joy it brings me to see all the little notifs from you, my little rays of sunshine!! 🌞🥰❤😘