"Welcome home, mga anak!"
Masaya kaming sinalubong ni Mommy sa airport. Niyakap namin siya ni Kuya Ryder. After almost five years of being away and staying in Canada, I'm finally back for good.
My life for almost five years was just the life I wanted to finish as soon as possible. Sa araw-araw na gumigising ako ay gusto ko na lang matulog agad para matapos na ang araw at makauwi na ako. Para magawa ko na ang dapat kong gawin.
My anxiety worsen when I was there. Good thing Kuya was with me. He really helped me a lot. I actually don't want him to worry because I was afraid that he would blame himself or even tell my parents about it.
"How's everyone?" I asked Mom. We were now in the car on the way home.
"Ayun, ang daddy mo, naghanda ng maraming pagkain para sa inyo. Riley is excited too."
Riley had her surgery four months after we left for Canada. Luckily, we found a donor. There was a patient who was diagnosed as brain dead and their family decided to help us. A simple 'thank you' is not even enough to show them how grateful my family and I. They saved my sister's life. We owe them a big time.
"Bukas na bukas pupuntahan ko na kaagad ang mga farm natin. I'm going to check it. Dad could rest fully. Ngayong graduate na ako, mas makakatulong na ako sa kompanya." Napalingon kami kay Kuya nang magsalita siya.
"I'll help, Kuya." I told him. Umiling naman siya kaya kumunot ang noo ko.
"Just pursue being an Engineer first. You could always help me anytime. Go on with your dream." Nagulat ako sa sinabi niya.
"Okay lang, Kuya. You don't have to—"
"It's okay, River." He gave me a sincere smile. "You deserve it. I got to pursue my dream back then so I want you to do it too. You can still help with some para hindi sayang ang pinag-aralan mo."
I can't help but smile and walked towards him to give him a tight hug. Honestly, he's the best brother ever. Kung alagaan niya ako noong nasa Canada kami ay parang five-years-old ako. I know he felt sorry to me. Alam kong sinisisi niya ang sarili niya kung bakit nagkaroon ng problema si Daddy sa puso pero sinasabi ko naman sa kaniya na hindi niya kasalanan iyon. It will never be anyone's fault.
"Baby!" Kaagad akong tumakbo papalapit kay Riley nang makita ko siya at niyakap.
"Kuya! I'm not a baby anymore! Geez, matanda na ako!" reklamo niya sa akin. I laughed.
"Wala kaming pakialam." Kuya Ryder joined us. "You're still our baby."
"Ew! Kadiri kayo!" Kumalas siya sa yakap namin at tumawa. "I missed you guys pero huwag niyo na ako tawaging 'baby'."
"At bakit? May iba na bang tumatawag sa 'yo ng baby?" masungit na tanong ni Kuya. Natawa ako at pinag-krus ang braso at tinaasan ng kilay si Riley. She looked a little scared. Akala niya, ha. Now her brothers are back, boys who will try to date her will have to go through us first.
"Wala! Just go rest!" Sabi niya at tinalikuran na kami. Nagtawanan naman kaming lahat bago lumapit kay Daddy.
He's in a good shape but still has heart complications. Hindi na siya maaring mapagod ng sobra.
Like what Kuya Ryder told me, I pursued being an Engineer first. Nag-apply ako sa engineering company na pinagtatrabahuan ni Ryle. He resigned three years ago roon sa unang kompanya na pinagtrabahuan namin. He said it was becoming toxic.
In this new company, they really like me a lot. In just two weeks, I have a lot of projects. Gustong-gusto nilang ibigay sa akin. Tinanggihan ko na ang iba dahil hindi na kakayanin dahil tumutulong din ako sa business namin.
"Ouch!"
"Oh, sorry. Okay ka lang?"
I was walking towards the nearest coffee shop in the company when I bumped into a girl. She looked like a teenager. Kumunot ang noo ko nang mapansing may sugat siya sa tuhod at sa siko.
"Are you okay? Gusto mo dalhin kita sa ospital?" I asked her. She immediately shook her head.
"Okay lang po. Nagmamadali po kasi ako, sige po, bye po!" I was about to talk again but she immediately ran. I just sighed and went inside the coffee shop.
I have a lot in plate right now. Ang dami naming meeting ni Kuya at pupunta pa ako sa iba't ibang site na hawak ko. I drank my meds to calm me down. Kuya was scolding me because of my work. Masyado raw akong nagpapakapagod. Hindi ko na lang sinabi sa kaniya na inaatake ako lately para hindi na siya mag-alala.
My mother asked me to deliver some of our goods to one of our charity. It's an orphanage for kids who happened to become orphans.
"Nako, salamat. Matutuwa talaga ang mga bata." Sister Penelope told me.
"Wala pong problema." I smiled at her.
Kinuha na nila ang dala kong goods para sa kanila kaya nagpaalam na rin ako dahil marami pa akong aasikasuhin. I stopped a few meters away from the gate when I saw a familiar face. It was the girl a while ago. She was crying.
I ran towards her. Nakaupo siya sa labas ng gate at nakatingin sa sugat niya na mukhang nahahapdian siya.
"Hey," I kneeled in front of her. Mukhang nagulat siya kaya tumayo siya kaagad. "Taga-rito ka ba?" tanong ko. She's wearing a polo shirt with the name of the orphanage.
"Uh... Hindi na po." Nakayukong sabi niya. "Huwag po kayong maingay na nakita niyo ako." Sabi niya at sinubukang tumakbo palayo pero nahawakan ko na ang braso niya.
"Come with me." I said and pulled her towards the nearest convenience store.
I bought a band-aid and a betadine to clean her wounds. Tahimik lang siyang nakaupo at nakayuko. Lumuhod ako sa harap niya at dahan-dahang ginamot ang sugat niya. When I finished, I saw her crying again.
"How old are you?" I asked.
"14 po..." Pinunasan niya ang luha niya.
"Bakit ayaw mo na bumalik sa orphanage?"
She didn't answer so I thought it was too personal. But I need to know so that I could help her. Hindi ko siya pwedeng pabayaan ng ganito. She's a minor.
"Nahihiya na po ako." Biglang sagot niya, nanatili pa ring nakayuko. "Hinahanap po nila ako pero ayoko na po bumalik. Ako po ang pinakamatanda roon dahil ang iba po na kasabayan ko ay may nag-ampon na, sa akin lang po wala."
My heart ached because of what she said. She looked so innocent. She is so fragile. I was starting to get worried.
"Hinahanap po nila ako pero ayoko na pong bumalik kaya parang awa niyo na po, huwag niyo pong sasabihin." She pleaded.
"Saan ka naman pupunta?" tanong ko na hindi niya nasagot. I sighed and stood up. Naglahad ako ng kamay sa kaniya. "Come with me."
I know that I shouldn't tolerate what she wants. But I feel her pain. Alam ko ang pakiramdam na ayaw mong ipakita sa iba na nasasaktan ka. She looked hurt when she told me that no one wants to adopt her. Iniisip ko tuloy na ako na lang ang mag-ampon sa kaniya.
I brought her to our home so my family met her. Tuwang-tuwa sila sa presensya ni Sofia. That is her name.
"I thought you had a daughter without me knowing," Kuya Ryder laughed.
She stayed in our house for a while. When she turned fifteen, she wanted to leave because she doesn't want to be a burden to us. I told her that she's not a burden and will never be. Mas nabuhay nga lalo ang bahay namin noong dumating siya.
"Are you sure? Dadalawin na lang kita palagi." I told her. We're here in her apartment. She wanted to be independent at an early age. Nagmakaawa siya sa amin na gusto niya kaya wala na kaming nagawa. I will just visit her from time to time to check-up on her. She was so mature for a fifteen year old.
Kalalabas ko pa lang ng apartment ni Sofia ay natigilan na agad ako. My heart started beating so fast when I saw her. I saw Zaria.
She was passing by with a smile on her face. Nakatitig lang ako sa kaniya. I was about to go to her but was stopped again when I saw a man who ran towards her. They both laughed.
Pinanood ko siyang umalis kasama ang lalaking iyon. I bit my lower lip and turned around to walk towards my car. Nang makasakay ako, napapikit ako nang mariin.
"Masaya ka na." Bulong ko. Tumawa ako nang malungkot.
Seeing her again, brought pain to me. Not because she's with someone else, but because I know that I hurt her.
"Hindi niya boyfriend 'yon!" Ryle tapped my shoulder.
"They're both laughing, tapos hindi boyfriend?" I said and drank a shot. We're in a bar in BGC. I invited him. Funny, huh? I'm getting drunk because of Zaria.
Akala ko hindi ako apektado nung makita ko siyang may kasamang iba pero hindi pala. Hindi ako pinatulog kaiisip.
"Tumatawa lang, mag-jowa na?" Ryle shook his head. "Tumatawa rin naman tayo ibig sabihin ba ay mag-jowa tayo?"
Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin. "You know what I mean," I told him and drank another shot.
"Marunong ka pa sa akin, eh, nakakasama ko 'yon!" He said and tapped my shoulder. "Malapit ng maging doctor 'yon. Hinihintay na lang ang results."
I smiled with what Ryle said. At least, natupad niya ang pangarap niya. I wished I was there for her. But I was not. And I also wished I could tell her how proud I am to her.
"Borjador sibs!" My brother and I looked at Hailey who went closer to us. I smiled and gave her a hug. She's a friend from Canada. Kaklase namin ni Kuya.
"It's so good to see you both! Miss na miss ko kayo, ah!" She giggled. She waved her hand and showed us her ring.
"Wow," my eyes widened. "Congratulations." I smiled.
"Aw, man. Officially no chance for me." Sambit ni Kuya kaya nagtawanan kaming tatlo. "Congratulations, Hailey, I'm so happy for you."
Kuya Ryder was very vocal that Hailey is his type and standard. They were really a match but they really don't see each other being together. It was only an inside joke for the three of us.
Hailey helped the both of us. She's a year older to me and three years younger to my brother. Siya ang kasama namin habang nag-aaral.
We took a picture together. She was showing her ring in every picture we had. She was like a sister to me that's why I was so happy for her.
"Post it para naman magkabuhay ang Instagram mo." Kuya Ryder told me. "You still have your fans, River. They graduated too, started working, but still, they're waiting for you."
Napaisip ako sa sinabi niya. The people who supported me back then when I was a UAAP baskteball player. They probably graduated and working so I thought they forgot about me. But O guess there's still some of them who were waiting for me to come back. Matagal akong walang paramdam sa social media. I wanted out of it.
I sighed before clicking the 'post' on Instagram. I posted a solo picture of me and my pictures with my friends and family. Kasama na roon si Hailey. It was a multiple pictures post. I captioned it 'Back for good'.
They were a lot of comments. Marami ang masayang-masaya na nakita nila ako ulit. It was the first post after so many years. I deleted all my posts back then, including my pictures with Zari.
I was scrolling on Facebook when I saw Tallie's shared post. It was Zaria's.
"Congratulations, babe." I whispered while looking at her post on Facebook. She posted a picture of her wearing her lab coat. She's now a Doctor.
Sa loob ng tatlong taon mula nang bumalik ako, sinubaybayan ko ang bawat nangyayari sa buhay niya. Sinusuportahan ko siya nang malayo dahil hindi ko naman magagawa 'yon sa tabi niya. Hanggang tingin na lang naman ako.
But I guess I don't want to stay with that.
"Okay, pupunta ako." I said and dropped the call.
Sofia called me because her friend, Adi, is in the the hospital. Sa hospital na pinagtatrabahuan ni Zari. I got excited but nervous too. Kung magkikita kami, alam kong magugulat siya. I'm one hundred percent sure that she has no idea that I'm back for three years already.
When I reached the hospital, I breathe heavily. Sinabi ko kay Sofia na sa cashier kami magkita pero pagkapasok na pagkapasok ko pa lang ng ER, nakita ko na siya.
"Kuya River!" Sofia shouted and ran towards me when she saw me. Bumaling ako sa kaniya.
"Sofia, kumusta si Adi?" I asked and hugged her.
"Kuya River, si Dr. Zaria, siya ang gumamot kay Adi." Sofia told me. Nag-angat ako ng tingin kay Zari at nagtama ang mga mata namin.
As expected, she looked surprised. Gustong-gusto kong tumakbo palapit sa kaniya at yakapin siya. Gustong-gusto kong kumustahin siya. Pero hindi pwede.
"She was my first love."
Bobo.
Ang bobo ko. Bakit 'yun ang sinabi ko? Masyado akong nadala ng emosyon ko kaya nagulat siya. She even looked pissed when I said that.
"I'm not his first love, Sofia. Just a part of his past." She said.
Yeah, a part of my past and still a part of my present. In short, parte na siya ng buhay ko at hinding-hindi na siya mawawala pa.
Nang umalis siya, nagbayad na ako. Hinatid ko na muna si Sofia sa apartment niya at kaagad na bumalik. It took me only five minutes. I drove really fast because I might not be able to catch up with her. When I got back I immediately cursed myself. Why did I come back? Isn't it weird? She might wonder why I'm here.
I parked my car and went out. I was stopped when I saw her talking with Dr. Owen. Siyempre, kilala ko 'yon. Inaalam ko lahat ng mga lalaking nakakasalamuha niya. I know it was weird. Kahit ako ay nawi-weirduhan sa sarili ko.
"Zari," Fuck. Ang bobo ko talaga. Bakit ko tinawag?
"Yes, Mr. Borjador?" my brows furrowed. "May sasabihin ka ba? Kailangan ko na kasing umuwi, if you don't mind."
Ang sungit niya naman.
"Is he your boyfriend?" wala sa sariling tanong ko. I am so damn curious.
Matagal na akong hindi pinapatulog ng pag-iisip ko kung single ba siya o hindi. Because if not, I will not show myself to her anymore. I might not be able to control myself and tell her to come back to me.
She raised her brow. Pinag-krus niya ang braso at tumitig sa akin. I bit my lower lip and smiled. I guess she's not taken. Tinititigan niya ako, eh. Did she find me attractive? Kinilig ako.
"Done staring?" I teased. Kaagad siyang tumanggi.
Of course, I expected her to be this serious. Malamang nasaktan at iniwan ko siya kaya natural lang na magalit siya. But I just hope that she knew that I also suffered. What I went through is no joke either. But I don't want her to know either because I know she will get hurt. She may even blame herself. And I don't want that to happen.
"Tigilan mo 'ko, River, ah. Ayoko nga!" Ryle yelled at me.
"Ngayon lang ako humiling sa 'yo, Ryle. Sige na." I pleaded.
"Anong ngayon lang?! Palagi mo akong dinadamay kapag dadamoves ka kay Zari!" I laughed to his remarks.
Sinabihan ko kasi siya na magpanggap na may sakit para makapunta kami sa hospital. Kasi kapag ako lang, magtataka si Zari. I don't want to rush things. I want to take it slow but I don't know how to start.
"You really won't help me? Even after what I did for you? Baka nakakalimutan mong ako ang tumulong sa 'yo nung napaaway ka." Sinamaan kaagad niya ako ng tingin. Gotcha.
"Tangina mo. Oh sige, na! Ungkat ka nang ungkat ng past, tangina mo."
And since he agreed. Our plan succeeded. Kaya lang may pagka-bobo talaga si Ryle.
"Check-up. He's here for check-up." Ako na ang sumagot dahil bobo si Ryle at hindi man lang sagutin ang tanong ni Zari. "'Di ba, Ryle?" Siniko ko siya.
Why did I even used Ryle? Sana pala si Callum na lang kaya lang hindi kapani-paniwala dahil doctor din 'yon. Archer is busy. Lalong-lalo na si Gio.
"Tama Zari! Medyo sumasama raw kasi ang pakiramdam ko kaya kailangan ko raw magpa-check-up." Nanlaki ang mata ko.
"Daw?"
I immediately stepped on Ryle's foot making him groaned. He is really stupid. I'm disgusted with myself for leading myself to this just to talk to Zari. What a lame excuse.
"Talaga bang masama ang pakiramdam noon? O gawa-gawa mo lang?" My lips parted when she said that. Umayos kaagad ako at baka mahalata niya ako.
"What?" I chuckled. "You think I just made that? What am I? A fool?"
Oh yes, I'm a fool.
"Malay ko sa 'yo. Kung totoo 'yon, bakit ka nandito? Kung siya talaga ang may nararamdaman?" Kumunot ang noo ko sa sinabi niya.
Anong nararamdaman?
"Wala!" Tumaas ang boses ko. "Wala siyang nararamdaman sa 'yo."
She looked shocked with what I said. What does she mean by feelings? Is it because she thinks that Ryle has feelings for her? Or ako lang ang nag-isip noon?
"I'm talking about his health, Mr. Borjador. Health."
"Oh, that..."
Fuck. I'm so stupid.
Kung ibang tao ako, pinagtatawanan ko na ang sarili ko. I'm so stupid. Para akong high school na hindi marunong manligaw. How am I supposed to approach my ex? My ex na hanggang ngayon ay mahal na mahal ko pa rin.
My love for her never faded. Mas lumalala pa nga. The more she's not with me, the more I fall for her. Paulit-ulit akong nahuhulog sa kaniya.
I drove Ryle home. After sending him home I went back immediately. I wanted to see if Zari went home. I'm willing to accompany her if not.
I'm so tired from work but I still want to do this. Kumakalma ako kapag nakikita ko siya. She's healing me without her knowing it.
I parked my car but I noticed Zari's car is not here. Nagpunta muna ako ng pharmacy para bumili ng gamot ko. I'm already out of stock. Hindi na ako masyado inaatake ng panic attack lalo na dahil nakikita ko ulit si Zari pero kailangan ko pa ring bumili.
Pagkabalik ko, wala pa rin ang sasakyan niya. Iisipin ko na sana na nakauwi na siya pero bigla kong nakita ang sasakyan niya. I smiled and went out of my car. But I was stopped again. My smile faded when I saw Dr. Owen. She was with her. Sabay silang bumaba, sabay ding pumasok, at sabay ding lumabas.
"Thanks, Chanel! Sa uulitin!"
Chanel? Really? Second name basis ba sila?
"You had a date?" I asked her. Nagulat siya nang makita ako.
"Ano ba?! Bakit ka ba nanggugulat?!"
I showed her the plastic of my medicines. Nagtaka pa siya pero pinili na lang niyang hindi magtanong.
"So, you had a date?" I asked again.
"Siguro."
Oh.
I nodded. Tumingin ako sa sasakyan ni Owen na nakalayo na. "So you're in a second name basis?"
"That's what he call me sometimes," she said. She was so cold. "Uuwi na ako. Umuwi ka na rin."
Nanatili lang akong nakatingin sa kaniya nang seryoso. Iniisip ko kung may nararamdaman ba siya para kay Owen? Naka-move on na ba talaga siya sa 'kin? Wala na ba talaga siyang nararamdaman para sa 'kin? Can she forgive me?
But all those questions just stayed in my mind.
"You look good together." I told her.
Whether they are together or not, I don't care anymore. They really look good together. I was jealous, even though I no longer had the right to be. It was my fault anyway, so I should pay for it. I was the one who left tapos magseselos ako? Wala akong karapatan.
I had a lot of work to do kaya hindi rin ako masyado nakakadalaw kay Zari. Nauubusan na rin ako ng dahilan. I was wondering if I should continue showing myself to her. Parang hindi naman siya masaya na nakikita ako.
But Ryle gave me hope again.
"Dali na! This is your chance, pare." He tapped my shoulder. I was busy in my office when he knocked. Katatapos lang daw niya sa meeting.
"Naniniwala rin naman ako na magaling ka kaya sige na, malay mo magkabalikan talaga kayo." Tallie is here too.
I don't know how but Tallie suddenly understood my reasons for leaving Zari. Wala naman ako pinagsabihan dahil itinago ko na lang. Maybe because she trusts me.
"Okay, fine." I agreed.
I agreed to be the engineer of Zari's house. Her dream house for her mother. I can't help but to be proud of her. Sa dami ng pinagdaanan niya, finally, she's achieving all her dreams.
'Yun naman talaga ang hiling ko noon pa man. Na matupad niya lahat ng pangarap niya. With or without me.
"I'm your Engineer."
She was really surprised when she saw me. Mas ginagahan tuloy akong asarin siya.
"I mean, I'm the engineer of your future house, Doc." I chuckled.
Wala naman siya magagawa dahil nandito na ako. I know that she trusts me. Napapaisip tuloy ako na baka apektado pa rin siya sa akin. That's a good thing for me because I really do hope that she still have feelings for me.
Pinagmamasdan ko ang kinang sa mga mata niya habang nakatingin sa lupang tatayuan ng bahay niya. I smiled because of that. She always shines bright when she's excited.
"Are you asking me out, Engineer Borjador?" she asked when I asked her to eat with me.
Well, I hope I can ask her out. Kung pwede ko lang sabihin sa kaniya na mag-date kami, edi, matagal ko na sanang ginawa. But I don't want to rush things. She was never the easy to get person. Lalo na ngayon, nahihirapan akong suyuin siya kasi nga nagsusungit sa 'kin.
"Pwede naman kumain ng hindi sabay, River."
Oh, fuck. Kinilig na naman ako.
She called me by my first name. She has no idea how happy I am because of that. The little things she's doing, makes my heart flutter.
I brought her to Riley's favorite restaurant. I just want to remember the good old days. The days that everything were still okay.
Sobrang dami nang nagbago ngayon. Simpleng pagtatanong ko lang sa kaniya kung kumusta na siya, nagsusungit na agad siya. I can't blame her. Maybe the impact of leaving her was really too much.
"I'm just curious. You might get hurt... again."
I was really curious if she's with Dr. Owen. Of course, I wanted to know because I was hoping that I still have a chance. But above all of those hopes, I just don't want her getting hurt again.
Kung dumating sa pagkakataon na masaktan siya ng iba, hindi ko alam ang magagawa ko. Even if I don't have the right because I hurt her too, I still want to protect and guard her heart. Even from me.
"Bakit nga? Do you care?"
I stared at her before smiling a little.
"I always do, Zari."
My care for her never faded. I will always care for her. Even when I was in Canada, inaalam ko kung kumusta siya. That's how badly I wanted to take care of her. But I just can't.
Everyday, I visit the site where her house will be built. Madalas ko siyang makita roon at iniimbitahan siyang kumain na madalas niya ring tinatanggihan. I also see her from time to time whenever I'm buying my medicines.
"Oo, papacheck-up na nga, eh." Ryle said and pouted. Napangiti ako. Napilit ko ulit siya na magpanggap na masama ang pakiramdam.
When we reached the hospital, my lips automatically formed into a smile when I saw her. But it faded when I saw how tired she was. She looked pale.
"Sabay na tayo." I told her when she was about to go home. I can't let her drive alone in this state. She looked like she will faint in a minute.
"Basta, stay there. Magpapaalam lang ako kay Ryle. Wait for me."
I went to Ryle but I was stopped when I saw Dr. Owen. Nakabusangot si Ryle pero agad nagliwanag ang mukha nang makita ako.
"River! Ayoko na! Hindi naman talaga masama ang pakiramdam ko, eh!" reklamo niya sa akin.
Nanatili naman akong nakatingin kay Dr. Owen na nakatingin din sa akin. I was already glaring at him which got worse when he laughed.
"I can see how jealous you are." He smirked.
"What?" my brows furrowed.
"Don't worry, she still loves you." Natigilan ako sa sinabi niya. "Nasasaktan pa rin kaya hindi maamin." He tapped my shoulder. "But do not give up on her. Worth it siyang mahalin." He smiled before walking away.
Tulala akong naglakad palabas. I stopped when I saw Zari, still waiting for me. Hindi ko inaasahan na hihintayin pa rin niya ako.
She still loves me. I can feel that. She was still hurting that's why she's denying it. Dr. Owen was right, worth it siyang mahalin.
So I told myself that I will do everything to gain her forgiveness. To make her come back to me. To win her back again.
I convinced her not to drive. Mabuti at pumayag siya na sa akin na sumabay. I parked my car in front of a convenience store. I saw her sleeping. She was really tired.
I stared at her for a while. Ayoko na muna siyang gisingin dahil ngayon ko lang siya matititigan ng ganito. I fixed some strands of hair that was covering her face.
"I miss you." I whispered and softly kissed her forehead.
I hope I could always do that to her. Miss na miss ko na siya. I badly want her back. Dumating na nga ako sa puntong pinagdadasal ko na bumalik na siya sa akin.
But I know it's not that easy. It's not easy especially for her. I know that she's scared and I am too. I'm afraid I will hurt her again.
"I'm proud of you, River."
I have waited for years to hear that from her. Ang sarap sa pakiramdam. I feel so happy from hearing her words, her laughs, with me. Because it gave me hope. It gave me hope that we still have a second chance.
I told myself that being with her again, would heal me. And its true, hindi na ako masyadong inaatake dahil nandiyan na siya ulit. I think we're being okay.
Her birthday came and everyone were enjoying here in Palawan. Her friends invited me. I thought that it wasn't a good idea. She might not want me around.
But I still agreed to come. Maybe it will bring us closer again. I was really hoping that this could be the right time to get back with her.
Lagi lang akong nakasunod kay Zari at masaya ako dahil hindi niya ako tinutulak palayo. I even saw her smiles whenever she's with me and it really made me happy. 'Yun naman ang importante para sa akin, ang maging masaya siya.
"Hindi mo gugustuhing malaman."
When she asked about the medicines I bought, I didn't know what to say. Ayokong malaman niya dahil ayokong kaawaan niya ako. She might get hurt. I know her. She was so selfless at some point. Na kapag nasaktan ang mga taong mahal niya, masasaktan din siya. And I don't want to see that. Hindi ko kakayanin makita siyang masaktan na naman dahil sa akin.
Nung matulog siya sa kwarto namin ni Ryle, abot langit ang saya ko. Kahit na hindi ko siya mayayakap, masaya pa rin ako dahil nakikita ko siya at malapit siya sa 'kin.
But I still have questions.
When can I hug her again? When can I say how much I love her again?
It was never easy admitting my feelings for her. Kahit noon, hirap na hirap akong aminin na gusto ko siya. Paano pa kaya ngayon?
When I woke up, I just stared at her again. She was sleeping peacefully. I was about to caressed her hair but I stopped myself. She looks so fragile. Pakiramdam ko, kaunting hawak ko lang sa kaniya, masasaktan ko na siya. I was so scared.
And because of my overthinking, I was having a panic attack. I cried and cried in the restroom while taking a shower. I don't want her to hear my cries. I just kept myself together and took care of her.
She remained in her room for hours so I got a little worried. Lahat kami ay nandito na sa may dagat at nagsisiyahan na ang lahat. I was about to go up when someone approached me.
"River, you're here." Kate smiled at me.
"What are you doing here?" I coldly asked.
"Pigilan mo 'ko baka masabunutan ko 'to." I heard Tallie said.
"Can we talk?" she bit her lower lip. She looked sorry.
"Just a minute." I said and walked away.
Nakatingin lang ako sa kaniya nang seryoso habang siya ay hindi makatingin sa akin. I am was not mad anymore because that was all in the past. Kung mag-iipon lang ako ng galit baka hindi na ako sumaya pa kahit kailan.
"I'm sorry for everything. Pinagsisisihan ko na ang ginawa ko. I'm sorry to Zari too. I was just desperate to get you back but that made me realized that we will never get back together." She gave me a sad smile.
"I forgive you." I sincerely said. "But I'm sorry, we can't be friends anymore. I hope you will find the right man for you. And I hope you will not do the same mistake again." I said before walking away. Ayoko nang pahabain pa ang usapan namin dahil wala naman na akong pakialam. All I think about was Zari.
"Saan ka pupunta?" Ryle asked when he saw me walking back towards the resort.
"Zari." Tipid kong sagot.
"Nakita niya kayo." I stopped to what Tallie said. My heart started beating so fast. She saw us? "Nagpunta siya roon." Tinuro niya ang parte ng dagat na walang tao.
I immediately ran towards the area. Kinakabahan ako. Kinakabahan ako dahil baka nasaktan ko na naman siya.
And I was right. She was crying in pain. And all I can feel too was pain. I knew I hurt her again. I hurt the woman I love, again.
Her words was like a knife. I was hurt by every word that came out from her mouth because I knew she was hurting. The more she gets hurt, the more I get hurt too. Seeing her in pain, kills me.
I told her everything. I told her that I was depressed. I told her about my anxiety na hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa rin ako nilulubayan. And as expected, she cried knowing all of that. The moment that made me scared, was this moment.
When she held my hand, It gave me peace. Gumaan ang pakiramdam ko. Pero naisip ko na I was being unfair. I felt like I was taking advantage to what she can do to me.
Kapag kasama ko siya, gumiginhawa ang pakiramdam ko. Pero kapag kasama kaya niya ako, ganoon din? O puro sakit lang ang nabibigay ko sa kaniya?
So I came into a decision. A decision to let her go.
Because letting her go, freeing her from me, will lessen the pain for her. Kapag nawala na ako sa buhay niya, hindi na siya masasaktan.
I spent the whole night thinking about my decision. Even if it hurts me to let her go, I will. Even if it's hard, even if I break again, I will do it. Even if I die, just for her not get hurt again, I will.
"I... I'm officially letting you go."
Those are one of the words I had a hard time telling her.
"Goodbye, Zari."
And that was the second one.
Those words made me miserable again. But it made me feel at ease because I know that she will moved on from me and she won't get hurt anymore.
I went home after that. At simula noon, nawalan na naman ako ng sigla. Everyday was so painful. Araw-araw akong umiiyak dahil sa sakit na nararamdaman ko. I want her so bad. All the pain before started hunting me again. It was still here. Mahal na mahal ko siya pero ayoko na maging selfish.
"Okay, we will look for her."
I received a call from Adrian. He told me that she cannot find Sofia. Nabalitaan ko na pinalayas siya sa apartment niya. That girl, really. Ilang beses ko na sinabi sa kaniya na ako na ang bahala sa lahat ng gastusin niya pero ayaw niya. I can't force her. But there's a way that she can't say 'no' anymore.
I am going to adopt her. I will stand as her guardian.
Nakahinga ako nang maluwag nang mahanap namin si Sofia pero natigilan din ako nang makitang kasama niya si Zari. Seeing her again, made me happy but hurt too.
"Hirap kausap, nakakairita. Ayaw makinig." I looked at Adrian. I smiled. He was so worried for Sofia. We were on the way to my condo. I decided to let Sofia live there until I arrange the paperworks for my adoption.
"You are being indenial, boy." I smirked. He glared at me.
"Anong sinasabi mo, Kuya?" naiirita niyang tanong.
"Don't you dare used that tone to me, Adi. Soon, I will be Sofia's guardian at hindi ka makakaakyat ng ligaw sinasabi ko sa 'yo." His eyes widened to what I said. Agad siyang nanahimik kaya palihim akong napangiti.
I kind of remember me and Zari back then. Masaya talaga kapag in love ka. Adrian and Sofia is in the stage of being indenial that they are madly in love with each other. Alam kong darating din sila sa puntong magkakaaminan, magmamahalan, at magkakasakitan.
I can't helped not being close to Zari. I can't bear not talking to her. I couldn't bear to see her get cold so I gave her the coat I was wearing. I stopped myself because I might suddenly tell her that I want to take care of her so much.
I can't do that.
"River mahal kita."
I didn't know how to react. Alam kong mahal niya ako pero natatakot pa rin ako. Nasasaktan ko pa rin siya at masasaktan ko pa siya.
"Mahihirapan ka lang sa 'kin, Zari." Seryosong sabi ko.
Ayokong dumating ang araw na mahirapan siya sa akin dahil hindi na ako katulad noon na malakas. I am too weak now who was just pretending to be strong. At ayokong dumating ang araw na mapagod na lang siya sa akin.
"Bakit ang dali para sa 'yong sumuko? Bakit ang dali para sa 'yong bitawan ako?"
Watching her cry in pain... was too much for me to bear. I do not know what to do. Is it wrong to let go when I know I will just her again? It's not easy for me to give up but that's the only way I know to stop hurting her.
I am so weak. Pinipili kong sumuko dahil sa takot at sakit. Mali nga ba ako? Mali nga bang bitawan ang pinakamamahal ko kung alam kong puro sakit lang naman ang maidudulot ko sa kaniya?
The next day, I went to Lola Ingrid. I immediately fell down on my knees when I saw her grave. I cried and cried in front of her.
"Lola... ano na ang gagawin ko?"
My hands were trembling again. All the pain before and today was like a bomb that exploded on me. Nahihirapan na akong huminga at sumisigaw na ako sa sakit.
"Ayoko na!" I shouted in pain.
"River!"
I cried more when I heard Zari's voice. Putangina naman. Bakit ngayon pa? Kung kailan hindi ko ma-control ang sarili ko? Putangina, mas masasaktan na naman siya. Putangina, ayoko siyang nakikitang nasasaktan.
"Umalis ka na!" I tried to tell her by shouting. I wanted to push her but I can't hurt her.
I kept telling her to leave me. If only I could just tell her that I don't love her anymore, I would have done it. But I can't do it... I will not only be fooling her, but also myself.
She hugged me. At dahil sa yakap niya, unti-unti akong kumalma. Nagkusa na lang akong yumakap pabalik sa kaniya nang mahigpit.
"I told you to let go of me..." I whispered, crying.
I tried my best to avoid her. I tried my best to avoid crying in front of her. I tried my best to tell her to let me go. But even if I did, she stayed. Her words were so comforting. Sa isang sabi lang niya na hindi niya ako iiwan, parang nawala lahat ng sakit.
I stared at her face. Pinagmasdan ko ang bawat parte ng mukha niya. I kissed her. At sa halik na 'yon, sinasabi kong mahal na mahal ko siya. That even in another world, I would still sacrifice our story so she could be save from pain.
After almost 7 years of being away from each other, we still went back in each others arms. Naghiwalay man ang kamay naming dalawa, muli kaming humawak para muling magsimula.
"Maganda 'to!" Ryle picked the ring with too much diamonds. I shook my head.
"That's too much diamonds. She won't like it." I said and looked for other rings.
We are in a jewelry store. I'm looking for a ring. I decided to propose to Zari. I don't know if it's too early or what but I don't care anymore.
"Ang pangit naman, e. Ito mas maganda!" Archer got the silver ring with a pink diamond. He's wearing shades and a cap so that no one can recognize him.
"Baduy ng pinipili niyo. Bilhin mo na lang lahat tapos papiliin mo si Zari." Walang kwentang suggestion ni Gio.
I laughed when Ryle and Archie started teasing Gio. Siyempre, hindi nagpapatalo si Gio. I smiled while watching them. Kahit na busy sila, sinamahan nila ako.
"I prefer this one." Callum pointed at the silver ring with a simple diamond in the middle. My eyes shined when I saw the ring. I liked it too.
"Oo nga maganda!" Tuwang-tuwa na sabi ni Ryle.
"Bilhan mo na lang ng laruan na singsing. Ang tatagal niyo, naiinip na ako." Gio complained and left the store. I just laughed at him and turned to the ring that Callum suggested.
"She will love that." Callum smiled at me.
"Thanks, bro."
I brought that ring. Matapos naming bumili, nag-ikot-ikot pa kami sa loob ng mall. Just like the old days.
I brought Zari to our home. My family were all happy to see her again, especially Riley. Matapos naming kumain, dinala ko siya sa paborito naming lugar. I am planning to propose to her. Magandang araw 'to dahil muli naming nasilayan ang rosas na langit.
We were in the middle of dancing when she asked me a question that made my heart beat so fast.
"Will you marry me, River?"
Hindi ko inaasahan na tatanungin niya ako noon. Pinigilan ko ang sarili kong matawa. She's so cute. Paiyak na siya nung sinabi kong 'hindi'.
"Hindi dapat ikaw ang nagtatanong." I smiled and kneeled in front of her.
All I can feel is happiness. I feel so good and I'm so happy. I was so happy that I might decide to buy all the rings in the jewelry store and then I would really ask Zari to choose.
Mula nang maging kami ni Zari, sinabi ko na sa sarili kong siya ang gusto kong makasama habang buhay. It took years for it to happen.
I am now holding the hand of the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Saying our vows in front of our loved ones are the best feeling in the world. After so many pain, cries, rejections, we have finally reached our destination.
"You may now kiss the bride."
I held her face and kissed her. Ang unang halik bilang mag-asawa. Ang halik na nagbukas ng panibagong yugto sa buhay namin.
"Aniyah!"
New stage in our life, together with our one-year-old daughter.
Zari held our daughter, Aniyah Maeve. Riley was holding her and gave it to her. Aniyah came into our life before the wedding. Totoo nga ang sinasabi nila na kapag hindi mo inaasahan, mas masaya sa pakiramdam.
I watched my two favorite human. Aniyah giggled as Zari kissed her cheek. I smiled when she raised her hands, asking me to carry her.
"Are you happy, my Aniyah?" I asked her and kissed her forehead.
"Mommy and Daddy is now married!" Zari giggled and kissed my daughter's chin.
We took a picture together with our family and friends and also our first picture with Aniyah as a married couple.
Everything was not easy. From the struggles in school, family, first job, separation, cries, it was never easy.
All the pain we felt and all the challenges we fought, are all worth it because we are now at the happiest moment of our lives. At bubuo pa kami ng mas masasayang alaala.
Life offers many challenges. I know I can meet them because I have Zari to face them with me.
Maraming nagbago. At marami pang magbabago bukas at sa susunod pang bukas.
And I will always look out for tomorrow because I have her.
As long as she is beside me, I am willing to face all the changes of tomorrow.
~ River Adriel Borjador ~
- - End - -