If there is one thing that Xiao Zhan knows with absolute certainty that he will regret for the rest of his life, it will be this.
Right now, he can barely even forgive himself for it but eventually he will. Because he didn't know any better. But this regret... it will linger forever because he should have known better.
Eventually they arrive and the moment he gets out of the car and starts to march towards the house, he wipes the tears off his face. It hasn't been able to stop falling, especially since Yibo is still unreachable and it is driving him crazy.
However, he is going to keep trying until he is able to reach him because there is just one thing that he has to say to him.
I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you.
Please. Forgive me.
He is starting right now, and he is so angry that he doesn't even bother ringing the doorbell. He pounds furiously on the door, completely accepting the pain that it is bringing to his hand.
"Ba! Ma!" he yells, and when the delay continues on he begins to kick at the door with his foot.
"Xiao Zhan!" his mother eventually answers from within, and soon enough the door swings open.
He storms in, nearly pushing her out of the way.
"Xiao Zhan!" she cries.
"Where is he?" he asks, every single second that passes by ticking like a bomb in his mind and heart.
"Xiao Zhan please calm down," she pleads.
He ignores her, and when he doesn't see his father anywhere around, he begins to head up the stairs.
"He's not there, he's down here," his mother says and he quickly returns.
"Where?" he asks, and sees her eyes filling with tears. She tries to hold onto his arm but he quickly swerves his hand and steps away.
Just then, he hears the door to his father's home office swing open. He spins around and turns to face the man that has done more damage to him than he will ever know.
"Have you lost your mind?" his father's cold, booming voice resounds across the room. "How dare you come barging in here like this?"
Despite how enraged Xiao Zhan is, he tries to remind himself of whom this man is to him. Despite his mistake.
So he takes a deep breath before he speaks.
"Where's your phone?"
His father stares him down. "Is this why you finally rushed down here? Even in the midst of your current crisis, is all you can think about still Wang Yibo?
At this, Xiao Zhan feels what little bit of patience he has left dissipate.
"My current crisis? Do you even know what you've done?"
"No, I don't," his father replies. "What exactly have I done to make you so mad that you cut the call on me? Because I 'attacked' Wang Yibo? And what's so wrong about that? Especially when he deserves it! What exactly has Wang Yibo done to make you unable to see that he is destroying you? What kind of spell does he have over you that you cannot even see that if you keep associating with him, he is going to ruin you?"
"So what if he fucking ruins me?" Xiao Zhan explodes, and his mother jumps.
"Ba!" he cocks his head at him, his brows furrowed with horror. "You have just belittled Wang Yibo in front of the whole world. And do you know what's worse? He accepted it and apologized to you. In front of the whole world. Do you know what that means?"
His voice is trembling now. "It means that I have lost him. That from now on, whatever faith he had in me has been completely destroyed."
The tears pour from his eyes and he allows them to roll down his cheeks.
"It means that even if by some miracle, I am ever able to earn him back, I will have to spend the rest of my life making it up to him. Trying to convince him that no matter what..."
He chokes up then as his vision severely blurs, but he forces the words out through the pain.
"That no matter what... I will always be on his side. That I will never, ever, allow anyone to think that it is okay to attack him on my behalf."
"What have you done? You made him bow his head to the whole world and announce to them that he is not worthy, both as a human being and as a friend. When in fact I am the one that is not worthy of him. Do you know why he apologized to you, when he could have fought back? Or do you think Wang Yibo is docile?"
At this he cannot help but laugh, the sound bitter and devastating, and genuinely filled with stupefaction.
More tears pour down his face. "He did it because you're my father, and I am someone that holds a place in his heart that no one else does. So whether you were wrong or right was inconsequential."
"So what if he is destroying me? So what if he is going to ruin me? Was it your place to judge him? Was it your place to go over my head to attack him?"
"Who gave you the permission?"
He yells at the top of his voice. "Who gave you the fucking audacity?"
His eyes are now wide and bloodshot as he glares at his father, and a devastating silence settles across the room.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Three days earlier.
"How bad is it?"
This is the first question that he asks Nini.
"You're at the top now," she answers. "Of the hot search list."
He releases a heavy breath, trying his best to keep his tone as steady as possible.
"And how did it start?"
"As a joke. Someone took a photo of you last night on your commute and posted it online. Their comment was "someone is about to miss his flight."
"It was harmless, just a little jibe."
"But then someone else took another photo of you this morning, hurrying to catch your flight and they noted that once again you didn't have any luggage with you. The two pictures were put together and that was how the speculations began. Two hours ago."
Xiao Zhan turns to look at her.
Her face is unusually sullen rather than alert, her eyes tired and her frame slouched. Her voice is dull, and Xiao Zhan can see that some yolk stains and tiny shells are still stuck in her hair.
He'd offered earlier to help completely clean it, but she'd pushed him away the moment the yolk had stopped dripping into her eyes.
"People were wondering what was so urgent that you had to fly between Beijing and Shanghai overnight, and that's when some in the comments revealed that you were working on a drama. Still, no damage was done until some account called Windfox posted the final audition score sheet from two months ago."
"Your name wasn't there but Wang Yibo's was, and they saw that his score was the highest. This started the questions as to why he wasn't given the role. Windfox, whose account is new by the way, said that she was the agent for one of the other actors that auditioned and that she could for professional reasons not reveal her real identity. However the unfairness and injustice that so many stars with real talent have to suffer because of 'bigger names who just got lucky' was too much for her to bear."
"She said that of course you would run to Beijing and back overnight without any luggage, because Wang Yibo whom the role was supposed to have been given to, found out that you had lobbied and snatched it away from him. He felt betrayed as a friend, so you had to hurry over to Beijing to placate him so that he wouldn't get too angry and expose what you had done."
"The moment she posted that comment, it all went down hill from there."
Xiao Zhan cannot believe what he is hearing.
"What?"
Nini takes a good look at him. "You really didn't take anything to Beijing did you?"
The question doesn't even register enough for him to consider it.
He is still so stunned by what Nini has just laid out.
"What?"he asks again and she sighs.
It's been a while since Xiao Zhan has felt this way.
As though he has been boxed in and the world is slowly closing in around him.
He can see that his hands have already began to tremble so he tightens it into a fist, and moves it out of sight.
His throat is so constricted with anxiety that simply breathing is now excruciating. His brows are beaded with sweat, his heart racing and his eyes glued to the motions of the passing cars.
Everyone else out here remains free, he thinks to himself. While I am once again about to be thrown back into hell.
"Also," Nini continues. "The shooting schedule for today was leaked. It was a blurry picture but it was still clear enough to see that you were supposed to be on set at 9am this morning. But instead you were in Beijing. So what could have been more important except..."
"I had to beg for forgiveness before I was exposed."
"Exactly."
Xiao Zhan smiles bitterly. "They never fail to astound me with their theories."
"Me too," Nini says. "Anyway the fight is gathering steam and they're already taking sides. Some are in support of you but most are lamenting about how unfortunate-"
She stops, and Xiao Zhan shoots a sharp glance at her. She knows then not to dare hide or sugar coat anything.
"They're saying that Wang Yibo is so unfortunate to have met such a snake like you in his lifetime... and some other inconsequential things."
"Like what?" he nearly growls.
When Nini still doesn't answer, he turns around to glare at her.
"Do I have to go to Weibo myself to check it?"
"I hope that you don't. I hope that you can just lie low and ignore this. It just started two hours ago so hopefully in a few more, it will fizzle out and things will go back to normal."
"Is that not the same thing that we thought about the incident in March?"
At this, she cannot find a response so Xiao Zhan returns his gaze to the window. Perhaps she is right. He hopes. He truly does.
A few minutes later he asks. "Where are we going now?"
"The hotel," she replies. "So that you can take a quick shower and freshen up."
"There's no need," he says. "Just go straight to set. I want to get started on work I'm already late."
"Alright," she replies and their route is changed.
When he arrives however, what he sees nearly shocks the life out of him.
There is a gathering of about thirty people outside the entrance, and the racket that they are making is so loud that they can all hear almost every word despite the fact that the windows are rolled up.
"Stop!" Nini says and the car comes to a halt.
They all go silent now as they listen and watch the crowds chant and demonstrate, some of them with placards above their heads.
They are pumping them in the air and protesting, and there and phones and cameras everywhere.
Xiao Zhan feels his heart drop into his stomach as he reads some of them.
"#integrityoverlobbying"
"Talent must win not cheap popularity!"
"#EndXiaoZhan"
"#xiaozhanisover
"#justiceforwangyibo"
And the one that has always sent unimaginable chills through his body every time he has seen it. "#RIPxiaozhan. This time for real!"
At this, he cannot help but laugh and it is so dark that a heavy silence descends on the vehicle.
"Justice for Wang Yibo?" he repeats. "Integrity over lobbying?"
"I hate people," Nini curses under her breath, and every fibre of Xiao Zhan's being echoes the same sentiment.
"Can we get through them?" he asks the guards
"We'll try Laoban."
The vehicle begins to move closer and they all check to ensure that their doors are locked.
As it approaches, it catches the attention of some of the mob and it doesn't take long for them to realize that Xiao Zhan is the one that has arrived.
Like a committee of vultures heading for carcass, they all turn and rush towards the vehicle.
"Don't move!" Xiao Zhan immediately orders, because he is very certain that most of them here truly have no interest in this groundless demonstration. Many are here for their own benefit, and for the chance to find a reason to sue him. Someone was liable to slip their leg under the tires and claim some sort of injury, or to even throw their self in front of the car and fake an accident. And then things would really go out of hand.
This is a cautious choice, however as a result they become a static target.
All sorts of things are thrown at the car.
Shoes and eggs, leaves and dirt, and as Xiao Zhan watches the faces of the mob, his heart begins to bleed all over again. Some are mainly just filled with excitement and this is what hurts him the most.
What kind of fate does he have, he wonders, for this sort of thing to happen to him not only twice in the same lifetime but twice in the same year?
"I'll go outside to clear the way," his body guard says.
"No," Xiao Zhan counters.
"You'll hit someone or even simply shove them out of the way and they'll claim assault. Let's go back to the hotel."
And with that, they slowly begin to back out.
Through the muffled yells of the mob, he hears the various insults thrown at him.
"Bastard!"
"Son of a pig."
"Son of a bitch
"You've gone too far Xiao Zhan. Have you no shame?"
He moves away from the window, shuts his eyes and folds his arms across his chest.
The insults mentioning his mother... those are the ones that cut deeper than a knife.
Suddenly, there is a deafening bang on the roof!
Nini gasps, but then quickly slaps her hand over her mouth.
The hard and relentless pulls on the handles of the car doors begin then, and Xiao Zhan becomes truly scared for his life.
"What's happening?" he asks.
"Someone jumped on the roof," his bodyguard inclines his head to check, and instantly the pounding begin. The person is stomping their leg onto the roof of the vehicle, and pretty soon it seems as though a second person joins him.
The driver's damage control mode then is fully activated. He immediately and sharply swerves the car and the two on top collapse like logs! One even rolls off and drops to the ground!
"Don't move!" Xiao Zhan barks. "You're going to hurt them."
"The worst will be a few broken bones," his bodyguard says. "Laoban, if we remain here any longer they're going to smash the window!"
Nini is trembling now her face hidden in her arms and Xiao Zhan can no longer deny the true danger they are in.
"Alright." he says, and their driver manages to zoom out of the place.
>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<
The moment they arrive at the hotel there is more chaos awaiting them, however this time around they are better prepared.
Nini has called security in advance, so the police is waiting outside and keeping the crowds at bay by the time he pulls up.
This however doesn't stop them from throwing leaves and eggs at him as he walks into the building, but thankfully there are several umbrellas shielding him.
The moment he gets into the elevator, he gets nervous at the two seconds that it takes the steel doors to slide close, as even a small gap could allow for someone to come in to attack him.
Soon it closes, and he shuts his eyes in relief.
Nini has changed his room to the topmost suite, where access is heavily restricted so they tap the private key card, and are immediately on their way.
Nini walks ahead while he walks behind, and he only realizes that he is still holding his breath, waiting to get into the room and to safety when she begins to fumble with the card. Her hands are trembling despite the grip on her wrist to control it, so Xiao Zhan steps forward and takes the card from her. He hands it over to the guard behind him because he isn't certain that his hands won't tremble too. He holds Nini's hand in his and waits, and soon enough the door is opened. He walks in with her and doesn't let go until she is settled on the sofa.
"I'm fine," she smiles. "I was just a bit overwhelmed. It all happened so fast."
He nods, unable to speak another word and instead just heads over to search for the refrigerator. The moment he finds it, he retrieves a bottle of water for her and himself, and then heads back to hand it over.
She takes a sip, inhales deeply and smiles at him again.
"We'll be fine. This will pass soon. Most of them that are gathered don't even care about whether you took the role from Wang Yibo or not. They're just there to find an opportunity to exploit you."
To this, Xiao Zhan nods and sets the unopened bottle of water on the stool by his side. It's too cold, and maybe it is for the bottle or from the darkness closing in on his life but the chill that is now flowing through his bones are becoming too much to bear.
Just then, Nini's phone begins to ring and instantly she jumps to her feet. "It's the director," she says and immediately answers it.
Xiao Zhan needs some time alone so he walks away without waiting to hear any further, and heads into the adjoining bedroom.
There, he shuts the door and turns the key.
The moment he does, he feels whatever strength that has been holding him up significantly subside, so before his knees weaken too much he leans against the door.
"Again?" he says to himself in disbelief.
He cannot believe it. However this time around things are a bit more severe because there are no lockdown restrictions.
In March, he could avoid the internet and choose to only handle the demons that his own mind conjured but now that everyone is free to walk around, it feels as though he will have to face the real demons and monsters that are lurking outside.
Unless of course, he remains locked in here but for how long?
His schedule for filming is packed tight, and yet they won't even let him get to set?
He bleeds even more at this because he knows the multitude of people that had shown up to work there this morning, expecting to make progress. However his absence today and quite possibly for the next several, will ensure that everyone is held back and affected once again.
"Why?" he sincerely asks out loud.
Why is my fate so bad?
It makes him wonder if he hurt someone in a past life, and so the sole purpose of this one is for him to suffer the retribution in the biggest magnitudes.
Suddenly, there is a knock on the door.
"Xiao Zhan," Nini calls. "What do you want to eat?"
He is almost amused at her question.
Food is the last possible thing that he can consider right now, but he also knows that he will need it to keep his strength up so that he can weather this storm.
"Anything is fine," he replies. But then he thinks of a reason that he can give to buy him at least an hour alone.
"I'm going to take a shower," he says. "I'll come out when I'm done."
"Alright," she replies and soon all goes silent. He steps away from the door and heads over to the window to shut the curtains. The heavy fabric immediately dims the room and this makes him feel slightly protected. He turns on a lamp and begins to strip off his clothes as he goes along.
He lets them fall to the ground, and by the time he arrives before the stall he is completely naked.
He turns on the heavy cascade and steps under it.
He goes still as the warm water hits his skin, and for a moment he tries his best to imagine that the last hour was nothing but a nightmare.
However, despite repeating this to himself he feels no peace. His heart is just as heavy as ever and once again the weight of the world that he never asked to carry is on his shoulders.
He feels it crushing him, body, soul and spirit, just as it had many months earlier. But he would like to believe that now he is stronger.
You'll get through thishe begins to tell himself over and over again. It's just the beginning. Soon it'll fizzle out and it will be nothing.
However, something inside him doesn't want this to be nothing. Especially as the words on the placards return to him.
#integrityoverlobbying#
"Talent must win not cheap popularity!"
"#EndXiaoZhan"
In the last few years, he has bled in ways that nobody will ever know. He has toughed through sleepless nights, hopelessness, pain and despair, fighting to not only chase after the opportunities that he wanted but to ensure that at every point in time he gave it his all.
Were all of these... about to be invalidated?
A dangerous fire begins to burn in the pit of his stomach.
The incident in March had been none of his doing, but simply his misfortune. This time however, things are different.
This isn't a smear on his name for no reason, but a massive dent in his reputation with supposedly legitimate accusations of his wrong doings. If he doesn't recover from this...
He can't even fathom it.
He lobbied over others and displaced Wang Yibo for the main role?
He has no talent? He has no skill?
He went to Beijing to plead not to be exposed?
His fists clench by his side and he nearly punches it into the wall.
But he doesn't want to hurt himself.
Why does he deserve to be hurt when he has done absolutely nothing wrong?
He shakes his head. No!He is going to fight this until he gets to the bottom of it, even if it costs him everything. Whoever is behind this slander will be pursued to the very end. This time around, silence and benevolence will not be his response, and neither will escape.
So he turns the faucet off, shoves the door open and steps out of the stall.