Dear Charlie,
I keep trying to convince myself that I hate you. I want to hate you. There is just one simple problem.
I can't.
We went through so much together and you left me without a valid reason so yeah, I should definitely hate you.
I just love you too much.
I don't think I can get through this. I've been without you for four months and I know where you are. I've been thinking about visiting you so many times but I know it won't lead anywhere. You'd just tell me to leave and I wouldn't be able to convince you to come back to me.
Did you know that when you left, I was pregnant? Yeah, almost eleven weeks pregnant. It was a girl. We always wanted our first child to be a girl. I had an abortion after you left because I couldn't do it without you. I didn't want to do it without you.
Maybe you would've stayed if I told you I was pregnant. I was planning on telling you but you were in such deep grief about Fred and I was waiting for the right time.
The right time never came.
You left and I killed our baby. I killed our baby. Fuck I'm so sorry. I feel so guilty about it but I'm trying to convince myself it was the right thing to do.
The child didn't deserve to be born into the world and only have her mother because her father left.
You know what?
Fuck you, Charles.
You made me cry again and I am so fucking tired of it. You don't deserve me. I deserve better and you are a fucking prick.
I still love you though.
Yours truly,
Ember Coil
-
The world is full of opportunities.
I know that because I'm an author. I get ideas, I write them down and I publish it for the public to read. The world is full of colour. At least that's what you see when you're happy.
Since Charlie left, I've seen the world as black and white. It is black and white. The world sucks and so does people.
Usually sitting on the roof of my parents house and looking at the sky as the sun went down, would be something to motivate me. I'm currently writing a biography about my life, yet I'm more inspired to write. I know my life and I know what's happened in it but I have no idea how to write it down so maybe the view will get my mind to calm down so I can write again.
Or maybe the bottle of firewhisky in my hand will help.
I took a sip of the bottle and swallowed harshly, then threw my head back.
Why does my parents let me sneak onto their roof and get drunk? Dunno.
Maybe they want to see me kill myself. Maybe they're secretly planning my death. Did they have insurance on me? I bet they want me dead so they can get money from it.
I'm twenty-five. Can they have insurance on me?
"What're you doing out here?"
I turned my head to see my older brother crawl out of my childhood bedroom window. He looked at me and walked over, careful where he stepped so he didn't fall.
"Getting drunk on the roof? Trying to kill yourself."
He sat down next to me on the edge of the roof and grabbed the bottle from me, taking a sip.
"Maybe I am." I sighed. "Give me the bottle, Crispus. I'm the one who needs to get drunk. Not the other way around."
My brother raised his eyebrows at me and took another sip of the bottle before letting it drop from the roof. I gasped, watching it land and crash against the ground.
"What did you do that for?!" I exclaimed. "That costed money!"
"Yeah, mum and dads money." He nodded. "I'll go clean it up in a minute. You shouldn't drown your feelings in alcohol."
I rolled my eyes and flipped him off behind his back when he got up to walk back inside.
"Now, I have to go and try to get my wife pregnant." He informed me, much to my dismay. "Mum basically forced us to do it here. She's been giving Carrie advice as to how to keep the sperm in there."
I snorted. That's something mum would do. She's so obsessed with babies. I mean, she did have eight and now she wants a whole bunch of grand babies too.
"Good luck big brother." I sighed. "Go knock up your wife while I jump off the roof."
"Ember!" He warned me. "Don't even joke about it. Get back inside and go to bed."
I stuck my tongue out at him. Crispus rolled his eyes at me, then crawled back through the window. You had to get through me and Avalon's childhood bedroom to get to the roof. It's what made our room the best in the whole house.
I pulled myself to my feet and looked out over the edge to see the shattered bottle. Then I got dizzy. It was the alcohol in my blood. My eyes widened as I suddenly got scared that I'd fall from the roof but instead I fell back next to the window.
Once again, I pulled myself up and slowly started crawling through the window, though my sock somehow got stuck, causing me to fall face first against the hard wooden floor.
A loud groan of pain left my mouth and I rolled onto my back, my sock still stuck. I ran a hand up to my nose when liquid that tasted like metal ran into my mouth.
Now my hand was full of blood.
That's what you get for getting drunk on the roof of your parents house. I screamed into the room. It was pure exhausting mixed with pain and heartbreak. I ripped my foot from the window and while I ripped my sock and also the skin on my foot, I still got free from the window.
"Fucking bitch!" I yelled at the window, grabbing the thing nearest me. I threw it at the window, though it only went through and landed in the grass in the garden.
I ran the back of my hand over my nose as I broke into tears. The blood from my nose was running down my face, into my mouth and down onto my shirt, even the floor but I didn't care about that.
Suddenly everything just broke. I had cried many times over Charlie but never like this. Maybe it was because I was tipsy, or maybe it's a mixture between the alcohol and the hitting of my head against the floor. Somehow, everything inside me just broke and I was a wreck on the floor at the end of my bed.
"You're gonna wake up mum and da—" I heard Valencia say near the door to my room but the sentence dropped and he froze. "Oh— uh..."
"Go to bed, Val." I sighed. I leaned back against the bed and closed my eyes as I calmed down from my outburst.
"Are you okay?"
There is that question again.
"I'm fine." I told her. "Just go to bed. I'll see you in the morning."
Instead of doing what I told her to, she stepped inside of the room and found the light switch. I squinted my eyes at the sudden bright light that hit my eyes and when I heard Valencia gasp softly, I looked at her.
"I fell." I told her. "My face hit the floor. It's not a big deal."
Valencia walked to the wall and raised her eyebrows at me before she started banging her hand against the wall, causing me to sigh and roll my eyes.
"Crispus!" She yelled. "Can you stop the baby-making for a moment? Your sister is hurt!"
Let Crispus have some sex. As tense as he's been lately, he can't have had any for a while.
Then again, neither have I.
Not long passed before Crispus showed up in the doorway to the room, wearing only a pair of pyjamas pants.
"What's going on?" He asked, looking at Val before his eyes flicked to me. "Holy— ew..."
"Thanks." I muttered. "I'll just fall asleep right here. I'll clean it up in the morning."
I went to lean my head back again and just as I closed my eyes, my brother picked me up with an arm under my knees and one behind my back.
"I told you I'd—"
"Shut up." Crispus told me, walking into the bathroom. He placed me on the sink before opening one of the cabinets to find a clean reusable facecloth. "Did you fall on your way through the window?"
I shrugged.
"Maybe."
Crispus laughed and wet the cloth before he grabbed my jaw and started cleaning up the blood in my face.
"You did the same thing when you were fourteen." He said. "You should consider stepping through the window instead of crawling. That's what gets your foot stuck."
I had done it more than just two times. Crispus just didn't know. I couldn't count how many times Avalon had to help me up after I had fallen through the window.
It was my happy place. Charlie and I always sat on the roof together. He'd use apparition to come and sit with me during the evening and then apparate home again.
Idiot.
"I'm a mess." I told my brother. He glanced at my eyes for a moment before he went back to concentrate on washing my face clean from blood.
"Can't argue you on that."
"Wow." I raised my eyebrows at him. "Thanks."
Crispus chuckled and finished cleaning up my face. He wet the cloth again, then grabbed my hands to clean them too.
"So—" I breathed. "How's it going on project make-a-baby?"
Crispus glanced at me then shook his head with a sigh. Not well I'll take it.
"We've been trying for months now." He told me. "Carrie wants us to pay St. Mungos a visit next week so we can get tested."
"You think you're infertile?" I asked and when he shrugged, I pouted. "That sucks. I know you've always wanted to be a father."
Crispus threw the cloth in the sink, then helped me get down. While he went to wash his hands, I turned and leaned on the sink.
"Do you think it's you or Carrie who's the problem?" I asked.
"Me." He sighed. "Carrie got pregnant with her ex before she met me. She had an abortion so it's quite obvious that I'm the one who can't have children."
That sucks.
"I'm sorry." I told him. "But you know, there're always other ways. There're ton of donors or adoption. There's both wizarding agencies and Muggle ones. You'll be a dad someday. Just you wait and see."
My older brother smiled softly and dried his hands before he turned towards me, placing a fist against his hip.
"You should get changed into some clean clothes." He told me. "Those can be cleaned if you sponge the stains with hydrogen peroxide or rub bar soap into it, then scrub by hand in cold water."
I squinted my eyes at him and watched as he turned around and walked out of the bathroom.
He's such a housewife.