—
My eyes are trained on the ocean in front of me. It's still and barely moves at all. It's peaceful sitting out here by myself. I had tried to sleep, I did. But now it's two in the morning and I'm at Long Island beach, an hour away from my apartment with class in a few hours. But something was screaming at me to come here. I don't know.
The moon is just a small crescent sliver sitting silently in the sky accompanied by millions of little stars that shine brightly together. I try to pick out the Little Dipper but I can't find it, I'm terrible at constellations. But looking at the stars makes me think of Harry and that brings me comfort. I wish he was here. But I think I needed to do this on my own.
I lay back in the sand and allow my eyes to examine the darkness, listening to the light winds whistle around me. The air smells salty and is cold, stinging my face.
My eyes are welled up with tears and my nose stings as I swallow hard. My hands are clenched at my sides as lay still in the sand, breathing heavily. I'm so confused with myself and my feelings. I'm angry at myself for feeling empty and sad when I shouldn't. I have no right to feel this way, but I still do.
I don't know why I feel empty. I have such a good life. I have Harry and I'm doing what I love everyday which is art. I shouldn't feel empty. But I do. Because all I can seem to think about is how badly I want my parents to love me. Why do I even care this much, it's been years since they stopped loving me and now all of a sudden it's something I miss?
Or maybe it's the fact that if my own parents don't love me, who will? Cora was supposed to be my best friend who loved me like a sister and she left. She started hating me out of nowhere just like my parents. What if Harry starts to hate me? I don't understand what's wrong with me. Why does everyone leave?
My chest aches as warm tears slip down the sides of my face. My body feel so hot but I'm cold. My chest jerks with silent sobs a I stare into the sky. My hands shake at my sides and every inch of my body feels like it's on fire, like I'm in a sauna again like the last time.
I suck in a sharp breath, digging my fingers into the cold sand beneath me as I scream into the air, my back arching as I screw my eyes shut, feeling every bit of sadness and anger leave my body and linger in the air. All of my feelings of loneliness and feeling unloveable stare back at me in the sky, taunting me. My body shakes as I scream my heart and soul into the silent air.
My chest moves up and down at such a rapid pace I don't think I'm even getting any air in my lungs. I sit up abruptly, holding my hand against my chest as I sob so violently it hurts. It's like every emotion I've ever felt is escaping all at once with zero mercy. My chest is hot and feels like it could explode at literally any second, every sob getting more hoarse and violent than the last.
And after a few moments, it stops. My eyes reopen and ache like migraines. My vision is blurry but my chest feels completely weightless. I can feel my heart thumping so harshly against my rib cage as I swallow hard, my throat aching. I stare at the water with aching eyes, unsure if this is what Mrs. Kay was talking about.
I denied all of these feelings and emotions for all of these years, putting up this act that made it seem like I didn't care. I didn't need my parents, I'm fine without them. I accomplished getting into my dream school without any of their support. I trained my mind that I didn't need them, and if they were tired of me then that's just how things were going to be. I just accepted that that's how things worked, people get tired of you.
Maybe that's why everything is coming back to me. That guard I put up years ago, is all of a sudden cracking down every time I'm with Harry, someone who feels something for me. He shows me in so many different ways that I'm important to him. And that's all I've ever wanted in my life. To feel important. My parents will never see me as that to them, but does that matter anymore? If I'm important to Harry, that's enough for me.
But what if one day he gets tired of me, just like my parents and Cora. He'll wake up one day and decide I'm not someone he wants in his life anymore, and then what? Am I supposed to accept that like I did with my parents and Cora? I don't need them like I need Harry. He makes me feel the happiness I crave, I can't lose that. I can't lose him. He keeps me on my feet.
My head is spinning with so many different thoughts. Harry is the first person that has actually showed me that I'm more than just 'Clover Anderson'. I'm something to him. I'll love Harry one day, I know I will. And while I wish that didn't affect me in such a huge way, it does. I can see myself falling in love with Harry, but I don't think he'd ever love me back. I can hope and wish for it, just like I do with my parents. But it will never change the fact that I'm not someone who gets to be loved. I wish I could be okay with that.
I pull my knees to my chest and lean my forehead against them, more tears covering my freezing cheeks. Everything is so silent it's sort of peaceful. I let out a long sigh and push myself up to my feet. I've sat here for almost two hours just thinking and crying. But now it's time to get up and deal with it.
As much as bringing all of these emotions up and having to face them hurt, I think it helped. My chest doesn't feel heavy anymore and even my mind feels lost. There's not all of these thoughts nagging at the back of my mind and all of these emotions I've been feeling are now out in the open. And as much as shitty a sit was to pull these emotional roots out of me, everything feels just a little lighter.
Maybe this is was what Mrs. Kay meant. The feeling of not being enough and being unloveable, stems from my parents who stopped loving me when I was young. All of these emotions were tearing me apart from the inside and I finally broke. Everything came out and it all makes sense.
—
"Two days left to spare, I'm excited." Mrs. Kay speaks when I approach her desk. I hold my card stock paper away from her, watching as she sits behind her desk. I slowly set the drawing down and slide it towards her.
I stare down at my shoes, not even able to watch her look at the piece. Out of all of my work, I've never made a piece so incredibly hard to look at. It's so good, everything about it is exactly as I wanted it to be. But it's also everything that's been weighing me down and taunting me in my mind. All of these feelings I was so scared to accept and understand. It's truly a beautiful piece.
"This, is what I've been waiting for all year." I snap my eyes up to meet Mrs. Kay's. Her bright blue eyes stare me down, her lips thinned into a line. "This is real, unique, artwork. This is you, Clover." She continues slowly, her voice smooth and low.
"It was hard." I speak quietly, my hands shaking at my side. Mrs. Kay rolls her lips into her mouth and examines the pieces once more, her lips parting as she shakes her head, letting out a short laugh.
"It's beautiful, Clover. It makes my heart feel heavy." She tells me. "It's so real and raw, that's what makes it so good. These are your feelings, nobody else will ever be able to make such a piece as this one. You should be very proud of yourself." She goes on. I sigh and chew the inside of my cheek. "Can I be honest with you?" She then asks.
"Please."
"Not as your professor, but as someone who has gone through a lot in my time, I can see you have too. You're trying to hide from whatever feelings you have, and it's showing." She speaks clearly. "From the first day of class to now, you've changed. But the past month you've been quiet, your work has been fifty percent and you aren't you." She continues. "And that's not a bad thing, everyone goes through rough patches, but you have can't run from them and that's what you're doing."
"You've gone through times like this?" I mutter quietly. Mrs. Kay smiles and nods her head easily, shrugging her shoulders.
"Plenty, and that's where some of my best work has come from. As artists, we find comfort in our own styles of art, painting for me, drawing for you. And we both know the best artwork comes from emotions and raw feelings, like this." She points to my piece of paper. "You can't hide from your emotions forever, you lose yourself when you do that, and that's why I've been assigning you these." She states easily.
"How could you tell that's what I was doing?"
"Because I've been through it, our situations may be different, but our coping was the same. I see so much potential in you and your work, Clover. I wasn't going to let you lose it." Mrs. Kay's words cause my heart to tug in my chest, my eyes lowering to my drawing.
"Thank you." I mutter quietly.
"Don't thank me." She smiles, taking my last piece of artwork from the board and laying it beside my new one.
My eyes examine them both, my heart sinking in my chest as I let out a shaky breath. The difference in emotion is scary. Of course I put work into my other one, but seeing the two side by side shows just how much more I put into this new one.
"You've come so far in just a few weeks, finding that root of emotion and tearing it out, allowing yourself to breathe again. Not only do you get art out of it, but you get relief." She voices quietly. "How do you feel?"
"Like I can finally breathe." I answer, stifling a small laugh. Mrs. Kay smiles and folds her hands on her desk, watching me. "Thank you for this, really. I've just been so stressed out about things and I haven't slept much." I tell her honestly.
"Well I hope things go a bit smoother now, and you can always talk to me if you need to, Clover." She tells me. I thank her once again before taking my piece and leaving the building.
I feel refreshed almost. Obviously I still have those feelings but I think this assignment forced me to come to terms with it all. I was going to have to face all of these emotions at some point, but I'm glad Mrs. Kay helped me through it. On my own, I'll have to learn to accept the ways I feel. Mrs. Kay's assignment only brought my attention to the feelings, and now it's on me to learn how to accept them.
I find myself outside of Harry's soon enough, knocking on his door before I enter. I glance inside, seeing Tiff and Niall sat on the couch.
"There she is!" Nialls voice echoes as he stands from the couch excitedly and runs over to me, wrapping his arms around me. I smile and wrap mine around him tightly, feeling him away us back and forth. "Haven't heard from you for a few days, how are you?" He asks when he pulls away.
"I'm okay, I've been a little busy doing my own thing but I'm figuring it all out." I tell him, smiling at Tiff who waves from her place on Harry's couch. "What's been going on with you?" I ask now, spotting Zayn and Harry outside smoking.
"The same old uninteresting things." He shrugs, both of us sitting back on the couch. I keep glancing outside at Harry, wanting to see him so bad. It's only been a day since I last saw him, but still.
"Oh my god go out there and see him already, just tell Z I need him." Tiff speaks up. My eyes widen as I glance over at her, a smirk playing on her lips.
I don't respond but I send her a smile, doing as she says. Harry and Zayn both turn around when I slide the door open, my teeth sinking into my bottom lip to suppress my smile.
"Tiff needs you." I tell Zayn. He simply nods and tosses his cigarette in the ashtray, leaving me and Harry alone. I don't hesitate to move towards him, his smile increasing on his lips.
"Hi baby." He grins, wrapping his arm around my waist, the other resting against the railing with his cigarette between his fingers. "How was class, you got out late." He mumbles, taking a long drag from his smoke.
"I was talking to my professor." I yawn, leaning my head into his chest. I haven't slept at all. When Harry dropped me off last night I tried to sleep but I ended up leaving for Long Island at about eleven.
"Tired?" He mumbles. I nod, his vanilla scent invading my nose, calming my nerves as I close my eyes. "Do you want me to kick them out?" He asks, I laugh and pull away from him, shaking my head.
"No it's fine, H." I answer. He nods and takes my hand, putting his cigarette out before we both go back inside again, drawing the attention to ourselves.
Harry pulls me to sit beside him on the empty end of the sectional, his hand guiding my leg to rest between his as I lean into his side. His fingers smooth up and down my leg while his other arm is wrapped over the back of the couch. I stay quiet and focus more on his movement against my body rather than the conversation.
For the first time in what fees like years, my chest doesn't feel like there's someone sitting on it and crushing it. I can breathe. But there's still a lot to work on.
—
Happy update cuties! Here was a little look into Clovers mind. Obviously this story revolves around Harry but we have to focus on both of their pasts. I hope you don't mind :)
Feel free to vote and comment as always, it's the highlight of my day going through comments. I love seeing what you guys have to say.
Much love
~C