The Second Week in August

Chapter 12: Mutual

"Wait!" I paused, collecting myself. "If you're not busy, I'd love the company."

Gabe smiled.

Seeing him smile, knowing I was the cause, stirred something deep within me. I ignored it, not in the mood to feel guilt. While I knew the level of excitement I had in response to the mere idea of walking with Gabe was unreasonable, I also knew that I selfishly wanted to relish in the moment, no matter how inappropriate it might be.

"After you," he said, gesturing towards the door.

I grinned, feeling giddy for no other reason than I knew I was developing a serious crush on this person.

Again, I ignored the guilt that washed over me at the thought, successfully convincing myself that I wasn't doing anything wrong. It's not like I was cheating, or anything remotely close. So what, I had a crush? People had crushes all the time.

Right?

I lightly shook my head, trying to clear it and focus on the moment.

"Everything okay?" I heard Gabe ask from above.

I looked up, snapping myself back into it. "Yes, sorry, my brain has been somewhere else lately," I responded.

"Seems like you've been saying that quite a bit," Gabe said, gently.

I nodded as we navigated the streets side-by-side.

"What's up?" Gabe asked.

I didn't respond or even acknowledge that I heard him. I wasn't intentionally ignoring him, but realizing that I wanted to respond to his simple question, surprised me.

The thing was, I wanted to answer him truthfully. For the first time in what felt like forever, it didn't feel scary to talk about the thoughts that were swirling around in my head. And yet, I knew Gabe was the last person I could talk to.

I still didn't respond, instead choosing to stare straight ahead, watching as the light danced on the sidewalk, illuminating everything in our path. At the very least, even if my mind wasn't in the right place, I could find some comfort in the rising temperatures, longer days, and more vitamin D.

I breathed deeply, letting Gabe know that I heard him, but was taking my time to figure out exactly what I wanted to say. He didn't rush me.

"Honestly?" I asked.

Gabe nodded, urging me on.

"I want to talk to you about it, but I can't."

Again, he nodded, understanding but also looking slightly disappointed.

"Truly, though," I said, lightly touching his arm, reminding myself of the gentle way Ben had touched my arm mere moments ago. I pulled my hand back and gathered myself.

"I want to talk to you," I started to say. "Everything is just so...complicated," I said, unable to think of any better word to describe my current situation.

"I understand," Gabe said.

Regardless, his response left me unsettled. The surge of joy I had initially felt when given the opportunity to spend time with Gabe quickly fizzled away, replaced by feelings of confusion, frustration, guilt, and anxiety.

It felt like I was attempting to solve an algebraic equation without ever having been taught how to do standard multiplication, like I was standing at a chalkboard, my feet glued to the floor, my head incapable of looking anywhere but at that math problem. The frustration of staring at that board day in and day out, writing numbers down, only to have to start right back at the beginning, was enough to drive any person mad.