MY SOUL IN HIS VISION [2HA]

we could be happy.

Taxian-jun slowly pulls away from the kiss but does not let go of Chu Fei—his Chu Fei who peers at him with such overwhelming mist in his eyes, dazed as if in a dream, he lays very still but out of fear that whatever this is might shatter if he so much as blinks.

To have him back in his arms is a like a balm to the undeniable dread that pierced him once he realized the one beside him is not him. That someone might have captured his soul, shoved Chu Wanning somewhere where he could not see him, where he could be in danger.

He pushes down the voice inside his head that berates him for being incompetent, that he’s already right there beside you, Mo Ran, and yet you could not protect him. Why are are you so useless, Mo Ran?

“Baobei…” He calls out this time, it sounds like a relief. A breath of fresh air after someone put him in a chokehold. It’s like submerging himself in cold water as he figures out how much he needs Chu Waning’s presence by his side, even as he wallows in his anger for his Shizun, not once had he ever envisioned himself of a life where Chu Wanning would just be gone.

But even then, that was not the case. He had an inkling that his Shizun and the one from the other lifetime, somehow in some way, switched souls. It still feels surreal as it dawns on him that he had met another Chu Wanning, a Wanning who is happily married to him.

How ironic it is that in this world he had to forcefully take yet in another, he is willingly given.

Chu Wanning’s heavy lidded eyes shines with unshed tears and he tries to hold them back by closing his eyes and—

Shizun, pay attention to me.

Why won’t you pay attention to me?

“Mo Ran.” Chu Wanning whispers, his voice hoarse, opens those phoenix eyes.

And now his Chu Fei is looking at him with something akin to longing, he does not know why it rattles him so much how those feelings resonates within his own because why does it feel so wrong to experience this kind of affection?

It’s his turn to shut his eyes, gently releasing Chu Wanning’s body from his embrace and onto the soft duvet of their-- Chu Wanning’s-- bed. He lays down beside him and they stay like that for a while, taking in everything that had just happened in a span of a few hours.

There’s a space between them that irks Mo Ran to his bones but he can’t bring himself to close the gap because there’s an itch in his chest as his thoughts spiral into a mantra of why, why, why.

Why did his life turn out so different?

Why does he have everything he ever wanted but not what he needs?

Why is it that even at the peaks of heaven or depths of hell, it’s Chu Wanning whom he craves by his side?

Why does he love Shi Mei but it’s Chu Wanning whom he finds himself always seeking for?

Why is he so fucking stupid?

Mo Ran, you dog, why can’t you do anything right?

“What happened to your soul?” He asks quietly.

“I met you in another life.” Chu Wanning’s voice sounds detached, as if reliving the moment he was gone by his side and into that other other version of him’s presence instead. He can’t help gnashing his teeth in jealousy.

But did he not kiss that other Chu Wanning too?

And he was so willing…

A shudder runs through Taxian-jun at the thought that even with different lifetimes, Chu Wanning and Mo Ran are bound together. It leaves him scared and yet, oddly pleased.

“And I met the other you,” he says, placid, coming into terms of the possibility that soul-switching actually exists, how it happens puzzles him and he feels like a giddy kid for he can’t wait how to figure out how the whole thing works, “what happened?”

“When he realized that I was Chu Fei, he burst out into tears. He held me tight and kept on apologizing… the Mo Ran in that world sounded like he was mourning for me.” There is pain somewhere in that voice but whether it is for himself or Mo Ran, he does not know.

“The other Chu Wanning told this Venerable One that the Mo Ran in his world was granted with two lifetimes,” he scoffs at how unfair life is, “that as Taxian-jun he had died… and if he reacted that way…”

“I must have died too.”

He turned somber, “Chu Fei must have died because of Taxian-jun.”

Taxian-jun and Chu Fei goes quiet as the budding impertinent loss blankets the pair. Chu Wanning could not dispute his words yet he could not account Mo Ran for something that have yet to happen.

“Mo Ran, I’m alive.” Chu Wanning assures but it does nothing to take away Taxianjun’s misplaced guilt who stays stoic after a few beats of silence.

There is acid pouring down Taxian-jun’s throat and he cannot bear it anymore so he asks, “was it true then?”

Chu Wanning hums in question, once again distant and Taxian-jun has the urge to pin him down once more but he’s pretty sure it won’t end well with how ludicrous their whole situation currently is.

“That this Venerable One lives in a hut on top of a mountain with you…” Taxian-jun lets out an exhale, “and that we have a dog.”

“En.” There is a bittersweet smile lacing Chu Wanning’s features, “we live in a small hut on top of a mountain… with a dog… surrounded by forest spirits.”

Was that what makes you happy, Wanning?

Not this resplendent palace, surrounded with everything sumptuous that this Venerable One could offer?

“How was I like there?” Taxian-jun could not help but get his curiosity get the best of him. Are they not the same person? What made them so different?

“You were… gentle.”

Taxian-jun disdains the indiscernible feeling bubbling under his skin as his Chu Fei describes that other Mo Ran. Why can’t he be content with him here?

“And we’re… happy?" Taxian-jun resents how vulnerable he sounds.

Chu Wanning does not answer his question and instead says, “We could be happy.”

The hand that remained still by Taxian-jun’s side gets grasped gently by calloused elegant once, the beating of his heart is like a loud gong to his ears with how noisy it is because rarely does his concubine initiate contact, let alone openly show affection to him. And he is a greedy man so he takes more than what is given as he interlace their fingers together and their palms kiss between them.

… It felt exhilarating despite it being such simple act, and much sweeter than any rigorous nights that they have spent together.

“Wanning?”

“Mo Ran.”

“Where did we go wrong?”