Without You I'm Hopeless (Destiel)

Confronting reality

There was cackling all around him echoing in the neverending darkness. He could feel nothing but a deep cold and crushing sense of doom. Blinking, he struggled against the sudden bright light glowing all around him somehow crushing in its weight, yet never ending in its expanse. It was blue, a bright unnatural blue crushing him from all sides. As fast as the light came it disappeared and was replaced by long black feathers falling, from where he could not see. He reached his hand out trying to grab one, but when it touched his skin, it crumbled to dust and fell through his fingers.

"Cas!!" Dean awoke legs tangling in the covers, as he struggled to pull his body upwards. He blinked hoping to clear the neverending blue from his mind. He clutched the fabric over his heart struggling to gasp in air. It took his brain several seconds to adjust to where he was. He was in his bed in the bunker.

Cas. Dean shook his head as the previous day filtered to mind. Cas was fine, he was in his room in the bunker. Cas was safe. 

Dean waited in the heavy silence of the night only interrupted by his harsh breaths. He layed back down staring at his ceiling, thinking. When his breaths evened out and he could no longer hear the blood rushing to his ears and he was left abandoned in the empty dark silence of the night, he pushed himself off his bed. He didn’t want to be alone. He was sick of being alone of pulling himself back. God he’d almost told Cas how he felt so many times and yet he always backed away at the last possible second. He was sick of hiding, of running.

Realizing he would not be able to go back to sleep tonight anyway, he stood determined to just get this over with. He’d been dragging this thing for years and he realized now that all he really wanted was to feel a little less alone in this world.

He walked as fast as he could down the familiar path to Cas’ room, hoping to arrive before his doubts could rush up and catch him. Lifting his hand to the door he hesitated pulling his arm back. No, he thought. You’re doing this. You can’t back out, not again.

The knock echoed loudly in the eerie silence.

“Come in.” A deep gravelly voice answered from the other side.

Dean wrapped his hand around the handle, breathing deeply to gather all his courage. He pushed the door open. Cas was sitting at the foot of his bed, his trenchcoat now splattered with blood hung from his frame.

“Dean shouldn’t you be sleeping?” Cas tilted his head to the side and for once Dean didn’t push the thought of how cute he was down, choosing instead to let it echo in his head.

“I… um,” he rubbed the back of his neck hoping that Cas couldn’t see his blush in the dark. “wanted to talk to you.”

“Okay. What did you wish to discuss?"

Dean stared at the door for several seconds before breathing deeply and moving to sit beside Castiel on the edge of his bed.

“I um… Well I wanted to tell you that… I” Dean stuttered struggling under the weight of Cas’ gaze.

“Dean,” Cas said,voice calm and comforting, “you do not need to say anything to me that would render you uncomfortable. I know you are worried about me, that doesn’t make you weaker.”

Dean blinked “It's not that.” Upon seeing Cas confused frown, Dean clears his throat. “It's not that I’m not worried about you, because I am. It's just that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about.”

“Okay.” Cas placed his hand gently over Dean’s. “What did you wish to talk to me about?”

Dean stared at Cas’ hand resting on top of his for several seconds, before he could gather the courage to lift his eyes up to Cas’. “I wanted to tell you ever since you… well since you came back. Well really I wanted to tell you before then, but I didn’t really realize until after.”