Without You I'm Hopeless (Destiel)

Unhealthy coping mechanisms the winchester way stage II violence andignorance

Five days. It's been five days since .... since. Dean violently pulled open the fridge uncapping a beer throwing the cap over his shoulder, shrugging when he heard it echo on the ground instead of the counter.

Dropping his head in his hands, he let out a shaky breath. He just wants it to stop, he needs it to stop. The flashes of memory, the feeling of Cas growing cold and limp in his arms, the sound of the cry in his voice as the blade struck him, the echo of his body hitting the floor, the emptiness in his eyes and the unmoving state of his limbs.

He's shaking using his free hand to balance himself on the counter. He's losing his mind or perhaps he already lost it with everything else that mattered.

Dean shakes his head forcing himself to think of other thoughts, anything, anything other than the heavy slumped weight of Cas' body in his arms. The wing marks, his grace, his true self scorched in the ground forever. Instead he takes several deep breaths and thinks of Sam, he still has Sam and as long as he still has his little brother Sammy no matter how hard or unfulfilling life may seem he'll make it.

Jack, he may not know the nephilim boy well but the kid needs him and he has to help him. It's what Cas would have wanted. Cas had faith in Jack before they had the chance to meet and Dean needs to have faith in Jack, faith in what Cas believed. And he was starting to think he was right so far Jack had proven to be someone special in his innocence and desire to help everyone, to see the good in the world. A trait that Dean had never had the privilege to know, thrown too fast into the darkest twisted horrors the world of monsters and men had to offer.

No matter how hard he tries, he can never keep his mind off of Cas or that night. Downing the rest of his beer, savouring in the burn in his throat, Dean opens his laptop to look for his case. The anger burns inside him below the surface and Dean is scared that he won't be able to hold off his feelings for long and he's scared that once they take control he'll never be free of the pain and the sadness and the longing and desperation again. He needs release, he's hoping for something vicious and violent, something he can hack to bits. Otherwise he's scared that it won't be the monster he'll be aiming his aggression towards.

***

Sam's tried several times since that day to talk to Dean or at least to steal whatever bottle of alcohol he was currently holding. Dean always sees him first however. Scoping out every room before he enters and retreating as fast as possible, Sam’s only managed to corner him once and when all that got him was a broken, "Please don't Sam," he’d given up trying.

Beginning to feel stir crazy Dean slowly began to venture from the room he still thought of as cas's. It started simple with walks that quickly turned into sprints accompanied by blaring metallic and AC/DC, to driving baby for hours aimlessly till he found somewhere that sold beer and pie. Slowly growing braver Dean began not only leaving the bunker but what he found far scarier exploring within the bunker. Instead of running out of the kitchen as fast as possible once he'd raided whatever he could from the fridge that didn't need to be cooked, he instead cooked himself bacon and if all he cooked himself was a breakfast of bacon who could blame him, progress was still progress. 

***

Sam had gone on a supply run and left Dean and Jack in the library.

"What was he like?"

"Who?" Dean asked hesitantly.

"Castiel, I only knew him for a short time and then it was only through what my mother said about him. But, you've know him for a long time haven't you?" Jack tilted his head questioningly to the side heart wrenchingly reminding him of Cas.

"Yeah, I've known him god, it would be almost nine years. I can't believe it's been that long." Although Dean also couldn't believe he lived so many years before knowing him.