What's at Stake

CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

Adora dug right in and pulled out a metal tree stand. "Come on San, let's put the tree up."

San released me from his hold and I watched as Adora and he set the tree up, making sure it wouldn't tip over. They moved it away from the door that led onto the terrace, saying that there were more outlets. I plucked a round ornament from the box, noting that the glitter on it fell off with every movement.

"Cleo, bring the box over here," Adora said.

I did as she asked and now that the tree was standing upright, I realized how tall it was. It towered over me. No wonder Kaz was having such a hard time holding it up by himself. Where had it even come from? Had they cut it down from somewhere in the forest and dragged it all the way here? Is that how all Christmas trees were gathered?

I stood by awkwardly, unsure of what to do as Adora dug through the box.

She pulled out a cord of lights from the box, continuing to fish it out for an impressive length of time. "Cleo, grab the other end. Wrap the lights from the base of the tree to the top."

I started laying the cord on top of the rubbery branches and San tutted, pushing me aside. "Wrap them around the branches. Like this."

I watched him spiral the lights around each branch before moving to the next. He handed the cord back to me after a moment and I copied his movements slowly. "This is very involved."

"It's worth it in the end."

"Is it?"

"You need to get in the Christmas spirit, Cleo!"

I gave him a half-smile. "Yeah."

"Do you know want to do this, Cleo?" Adora asked, forehead creasing in concern.

"It's not that..."

"We don't force you to do this if you don't want to, no matter what San says," Kaz said.

I shook my head. "No. I know you guys have good intentions. But it's hard to let myself enjoy it. Because it's never going to happen again. Wouldn't it be better for me not to know what it could be like?"

"What do you mean?" Adora asked.

"When I was younger, I once read a book where it told of Santa Claus and how he would leave presents for children who'd been good throughout the year," I said, tightening my grip on the lights. "Even then I knew my father would never let someone come and leave my sister and I gifts for no reason, so I kept knowing about it to myself, afraid if he found out he would scare this Santa person away. And I stayed on my best behavior for weeks, waiting for Christmas, waiting to see what Santa would leave me. I didn't have a Christmas tree, so I made my own out of branches I found in the woods, away from the house."

I paused, eying the tree again. Mine was never close to this size. A Christmas tree for chipmunks, perhaps.

"Oh," Adora said quietly, probably knowing what would come next.

"Yeah, I think you know where this is going," I said. "When Christmas came, I ran to my secret spot in the woods as fast as I could. But there was nothing there. No gifts, no trace of anyone even coming by. And you think I would learn my lesson after that, wouldn't you? But I didn't. I thought I'd done something wrong to not receive anything. So, the next year I tried again, being the best person I could be, setting up a better makeshift tree... but still, nothing. It was crushing. I kept thinking it was because I'd been bad. I know now that isn't true, but to a little kid, it was awful."

The three around me didn't say anything and I instantly regretted bringing it up. I cleared my throat. "Anyway. I know now that presents aren't the only thing Christmas is about, but it's not like my family would even want to spend the day together. Or decorate a tree. That's why I'm hesitant. I don't want to experience this and only to know when I leave I'll have to put all this behind me. I'm scared I'll start wanting again."