Best Of Me

Chapter 10

Brain tumor. Large and aggressive. Inoperable. No treatment. Months to live.

Those words played through my head over and over. I should have known something was going on with Wade. How could I have missed this? I knew him better than anyone, even Hayleigh. Wade had not been himself for a while. I should have known something was going on with him, but I had been too busy sleeping with his wife to pay attention. I only thought I felt guilty before.

My best friend was dying. There was nothing that could be done. It was gut wrenching to say the least.

It went without saying that Hayleigh and I were over. Her place was with her husband. She had taken an indefinite leave of absence from work to be with Wade. He was only given months to live. His condition deteriorated rapidly, and he was moved to hospice.

I tried to see him a few times, but he became agitated every time I showed up. I was told that he said he wanted me to remember him how he used to be and not the condition he was in now. I wasn't completely buying that. The last time I saw him, he became irrational and said it was too hard to see me because I was a constant reminder of everything he was losing. As much as I hated it, I had to back off and respect his wishes. I worried that he knew about Hayleigh and me, but she assured me he didn't. She said she would know if he did, so I chose to believe her. By distancing myself from Wade, I distanced myself from Hayleigh as well. I couldn't be around her and know that I couldn't have her.

The next few months were some of the worst of my life. My biggest fears had come true. I lost Hayleigh, and now I was losing Wade. My closest friends were gone from my life. Hating myself for it, I clung to Morgan like a lifeline. I wasn't in love with her, yet I couldn't let her go because the thought of being alone was unbearable. I really was an ass. She deserved better. I knew I had to break it off with her, yet I couldn't make myself do it.

I had begun to adjust to a new PR person, but I was having a horrible season. For the first time in my life, my focus was not on racing, and it showed. I breathed a sigh of relief when the season ended. I really needed a break from it all. I had three months to get my shit together and hope that I didn't tank my career in the process because that was the only thing I had left going for me. Not my family and certainly not Morgan.

I sank further and further into a sea of depression. Neither of my other good friends Chase and Bubba could snap me out of it because I was desperately missing Hayleigh and Wade. I had not seen nor spoken to either of them in over three months. Not until that fateful text message that came from Hayleigh letting me know that Wade had passed.

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Present day

I wished I could have been anywhere else but here. My heart hurt for Wade's family. No parents should have to bury their child. Wade was only twenty six. He had his whole life in front of him. So much he had yet to accomplish. It was so fucking unfair. He should have lived a long, happy life. Why is it that the good ones have to go first? If that's truly the case, then I may live forever because I'm not a good person. A good person would not have fallen in love with, and had an affair with his best friends wife. I deserve to live with that guilt for the rest of my life. I don't deserve to get my happily ever after with Hayleigh.

Suffice it to say, I was not in a good place.

During the service, Hayleigh was cool and polite, yet distant, which was to be expected. She was burying her husband. She never brought up the night just a few days ago when she showed up at my house with the letter from Wade, and Morgan found out about us. She somehow managed to hold it together. I was so proud of her. I don't know how she managed to show so much strength and grace, while I was a wreck. I tried to talk to her, but when I approached her, I could see some of her careful composure begin to slip away. I wanted nothing more than to hold her. I wasn't thinking anything even remotely sexual, just two old friends comforting each other in a dark time, but we were too far gone for that. I had to face reality that we would probably never be that close again. Too much had happened between us, and the guilt we were both feeling was eating us alive. She did talk to me long enough to let me know she was leaving town for a while. She wasn't sure how long, but she needed some time and some space to process everything that had happened and to figure out her next step in life.

I still loved her. She would hold a piece of my heart forever. I just had to try and go on without her.

After the funeral, I went back home. Except for Sturgill, I was all alone. I wanted nothing more than to have Hayleigh here. I needed to feel her presence, to hold her in my arms. I needed her like I needed air to breathe. I know we were not meant to be, but I couldn't get her out of my head.

Weeks passed, and I heard nothing from her. I didn't call her because I knew she needed that time. I couldn't help but worry though.

The offseason was winding down. Media day was upon us. It didn't feel the same doing all the photoshoots and interviews without Hayleigh. She had been my PR throughout my entire cup career, and it was like a huge piece was missing from my life, not just from my heart.

Two weeks before Daytona, it finally happened. I refused to let myself hope though. Seeing her name flash across the screen on my phone froze me almost to the point that I nearly missed her call. I answered, a lump in my throat so big, I could not speak.

"I need you Ry." She said tearfully.

I swallowed down the lump. "I don't know where you are Hayles, but I'm on my way.