It all started when she called

19. Diffrent

i bit the inside of my cheek so hard it made me wince, and wanted to plant my face in my hands, hiding the pain riddled across it. That feeling of relief had simmered away so quickly, and i desperately wanted it back.

''No, i don't like men, because well, i wanna be with a woman, Robin. I'm attracted to girls, and i've had those feelings since i was eight. I've had crushes on chicks for so long and haven't told anyone until now.''

Everything I said seemed to come from my lips so slowly. Everything I did seemed to drain on, even the speed at which I could blink. Yet, it was almost as if everything besides me myself was racing, like the sun would rise within only seconds, and my heart besides anything else would leap from my chest.

I found myself staring at Robin, my eyes wide, watching as she stared back, hands fiddling.

''Well won't you say something?'' i blurted. ''i just told you like...like something big! can you like-do you like- i mean, you have a boyfriend still right? Luke?''

i didn't give her time to respond. ''so can you tell me what to do to change this? what's like the key to being normal? what do you do to like guys?'' my anger and sadness seemed so suddenly changed with anxiety, the feeling so intense within me it must have sounded i was pleading for my life.

Robin laughed and shook her head, scrunching her face up. ''i don't know, be born?''

i stopped what i was doing, which honestly i didn't know if it was hyperventilating or praying, but either way, i just stopped and stared.

''i was born, and i was attracted to men. you where born, and you're attracted to chicks. same thing.''

Robin made it sound so simple. like it was normal; okay.

''But that's not it! are you stupid?'' At my frantic words Robin gave me a look, but a only waved it off with a quick eye roll. ''but dude, i wasn't supposed to be born like this. at least that's what all the religious folks say. what i feel, it's considered weird, and wrong. i don't know what to feel about it, because i like women, i like them a lot. but i shouldn't like them, but i do. but i shouldn't, but their really pretty and soft, like a childhood blanket. but their also really prickly, or, i'm really prickly because i like them... to society.''

i face palmed.

this probably all sounds like a joke to her, i'm not making any sense.

''there's no changing how you feel, cowboy. slow down. hold your horses. You look at girls the way so called ''normal young women'' look at boys, right?''

I swallowed. ''Yeah.''

''You feel guilty about it because no one talks about stuff like that and shames you for who you are?''

''Also yes.'' I mumbled.

''You think there is a key to being this definition of ''normal'' you have?''

''Yep.''

''you want to be-god you are red and it's like, pitch black out-but you want to be like me?''

I nodded. ''Yessiree.''

''Well you can't.''

I clenched my jaw, confused. ''Well why not? what is it i don't have?!'' I barked, eyes frantic.

''The same attraction i do. See, it's the same thing as in i can't just start liking women, even if i wanted to. I don't want to touch girls the way i do guys, i don't want to kiss a girl, you don't have the desire to make out with a man. That's fine, bro.''