Redwoods; Sleepyboisinc angst

A tragic "success"

One "benefit" of his unhealthy eating habits was getting rather good at quick simple math. 1200 calories for the whole meal? Well he was only having one fourth so it was only 225.

He grimaced. He was forever thankful that the menus had calorie information, but Americans do be eating a lot. 225 was nearly as much as he was willing to eat in a day. And to have that for just breakfast? No way.

Techno had avoided reading the calories. Really, he had! ...he had tried. He still caught the number, and despite not having skipped meals intentionally for so long, it still freaked him out how much was in four slices of French toast.

Both the pink-haired potato farmer and British Minecraft role player were having scarily similar thoughts.

That's so much.
It doesn't matter./ You promised.

That's gotta add pounds.
It. Doesn't. Matter./ They'd be disappointed if you didn't eat.

You'll look so much worse.

Both were taking in shaky breaths, but their friends didn't notice. They were dividing up their own meal.

Techno tried to focus on breathing. He knew why the thoughts were so bad that morning; he had eaten that fucking cake. It had been a fun thing but the guilt of eating so much was weighing down. It's too much.

Tommy didn't focus on breathing. He only focused on the number, the food, and the amount of eyes that were watching him.

Were they actually watching him? Of course not, how self centered to think everyone was watching him. But... were they? It felt like it.

Eating that will only hurt.
Eating is not bad. Eating. is. not. bad./ At least half a slice.

Techno put one slice on Tommy's plate (the waitress had brought extra plates) and scooted the rest towards himself.

Tommy didn't look at the food. Then, slowly, he looked down at it. He grabbed a fork.

The voice was no longer the same for them. Techno was doing his best to ignore it, and had started braiding his hair. Tommy was not trying to ignore it. He was listening and failing to rationalize against it.

You know you won't stop at half a slice. You'll eat the whole thing and ask for more.
N-no. He wouldn't. He could control himself this time. He could!

He knew he couldn't. It wasn't hard to avoid food, but once he started eating it would get much more difficult. After remembering the taste of something it became "one more bite can't hurt" and "I'll make it up by not eating tomorrow."

To be fair, he said to himself, he had been much better at following through on those "punishments" for eating too much. But in a car of friends and snacks, could he?

He physically shook the thoughts from his head. He made a promise, and he would not break it.

He and Techno took a triumphant bite. All four friends were oblivious to the two's struggle, and all four ceased any mental struggles at the melt in your mouth flavors.

As Tommy expected, he ended up eating the whole slice, but he stopped himself from eating any more.

Techno kept fighting against his own disordered thoughts and, as a result of getting professional help years ago, had better tools to do so.

It was turning out fine, for about two minutes.

Then the sick feeling of eating too much overcame Tommy. The sudden panic and an intense desire to not have anything in him was overwhelming.

He absolutely needed to not have that feeling anymore, and despite knowing it wouldn't help, he left for the restroom.

———

Wilbur and Techno were talking about which trail on the map they should hike, with Philza chiming in every once in a while.

Tommy opened the restroom door. It was a separate building outside and to the back.

Techno was complaining about how the lake was really nothing to see anymore because it had been depleted so much from the fires.

He went into the farthest stall. It was cold and empty in the echoing room.

Wilbur didn't believe that the lake could be so sad, and he really wanted to do a trail near it. Techno insisted it was a pond of dead fish the last time he saw it.

He prepared for what he was about to do. I am not describing that.

Phil laughed at Techno's latest description of the lake and Wilbur's expression of fake hurt. Wilbur broke the face and joined in laughing.

Tommy had expected an unpleasant experience in vain, but...

———

Have you ever gotten a terrible feeling? Like, everyone is smiling. Everything is happy. But something isn't right. Something bad just happened or is about to happen.

Have you ever been relieved and yet your stomach sinks? You feel like you met a goal, but you almost wish you hadn't. You feel conflicted, like you're fighting yourself for what you should feel. You should be ecstatic that you broke a boundary you were trying to break, but there's a sense of there was a reason it was hard to break.

Maybe it shouldn't have been broken.

Philza had a terrible feeling, and Tommy was crying against a restroom stall wall with black spots filling his vision.

——————

:)

Sorry it took days, I got sick. Also, had to get tested for COVID. Not fun. Don't recommend. Stay home and don't think your grandparents house is safe.