Midnight Memories

Chapter 37: You Don't Have Me Anymore

I swear Kai's eyes soften for a brief second when he sees me cry and he makes a move as if he wants to reach for me, but is quick enough to stop himself.

"Being like what? An asshole? Maybe I am one. Maybe I don't give a fuck about you. Maybe becoming an issued motherfucker wasn't really what I planned to do with my life, but as you can see, Selena, this is who I really am."

"Stop!" I shout at him disgusted and so done with his bullshit. "Stop looking for ways to get rid of the people that love you. Stop being a coward, accept the reality, and deal with it!"

"I CAN'T!" He shouts back louder. "If I accept it, my head is going to explode!"

"That's why we need each other." 

"I need you out of my life."

"Is this because of what we're going through? Is this because you don't want me to deal with your nightmares. I really don't understand where this is coming from, so tell me. Give me a goddamn reason!" 

He lets out a short humorless laugh and it's so cruel my blood runs cold.

"Don't you get it? I'm done with you. I thought I could do this relationship, but turns out you were right. I got tired of you. I don't even want to come home because you're there. You're fucking everywhere and I'm tired of it. How else can I get it through your head that I don't fucking want you anymore? I don't want you." 

By now the tears are falling down my eyes uncontrollably, as I fight to catch my breath. How does he know all the right words to make me shrink inside my own body again?

I've been trying so hard to overcome my insecurities, but his words put me back where I've started.

He encouraged and helped me to destroy the tall castle of my self-doubts, but now he's the one putting the unhealthy bricks in my head.

How did I become a burden he wants to get rid of?

"You are making a mistake," I say loudly because I don't want him to see my thoughts.

"Well, maybe YOU were a mistake." He says so low I almost miss it. Except I don't. I catch every single syllable out of his mouth and I stumble back on my feet,  looking at him frozen.

You were a mistake...

This one sentence makes his grand return back to my head, screaming loudly in my ears, making me want to throw up.

This single sentence is enough for me to start my never-ending circle of self resentment. I realize though, I've never got out of it.

Wow... Kai does really know my weaknesses and he's cruel enough to use them against me now.

As I keep looking at him to understand, if he really means what he's saying, I suddenly feel like I'm staring at someone else.

His eyes are cold, his face expression impatient, as if he can't wait to toss me aside, and his pose is disturbingly casual as if he's just telling me about the weather.

This person in front of me looks just like, sounds just like Kai, but he's not the man I am in love with. He's not someone I know.

"Fuck you." I spit out the words I've never used before, wiping my eyes.

Why the heck can't I stop crying in front of him?

I turn on my heels and start to walk to the car, but my anger gets the best of me and I turn back abruptly, rushing back to him.

I need to say it all.

I punch his chest furiously when I reach him, before shoving my finger into his shoulder.

"You are going to wake up tomorrow and you are going to regret doing this to me with every fiber in you. But even if you get on your knees in front of me and beg me to come back, I'll never get back with you. I will never forgive you for this. For messing with my head and feelings. Now think carefully again, do you really want us to end like this?"

Maybe if I just remind him what we are losing here, he will come back to his freaking senses. Maybe he doesn't understand what mistake he's making. What nonsense he's talking. Maybe he just wants to protect me, but why? From whom?

And how can you protect someone when you're destroying them like this?

Under the streetlights I can see how Kai stares at my face, searching for something. Maybe he wants to know if I'm serious.

Good, let him figure that out because guess what, I've never been so serious in my life before. If he breaks up with me this time, it will be over. No turning back.

He keeps looking at me as if he wants to memorize every single detail about me.

Tell me you're lying and that you're sorry and that together we can fight every fear, I scream at him with my eyes.

"I don't want you anymore, Selena." He says slowly, and it's so final.

We're over.

Everything we've been through was for nothing, nothing. Did it even mean anything to him? I can't even be sure of that now.

I step away looking at him with so much hate and despise, it physically hurts.

"Then congratulations, you don't have me anymore," I tell him looking into his eyes while blinking back the tears that are so irritating right now I could punch them. God, do I need to punch something!

I turn on my heels like a hurricane and start to make way to the car just to get away from him.

"You will have to walk home from here," I shout over my shoulder, not turning back even for a second.

I get inside the car, turn the engine on and pull out from there like a freaking rocket.

As I drive away, I look back at Kai through the rearview mirror only to find him standing there like a statue, watching me leave.

I start to cry silently, using my shirtsleeves to wipe away the evidence, because God, it hurts so much.

I don't know how many miles I pass until I pull over to the side of the road and break down in loud sobs. I am breathing rapidly as if I'm really short of oxygen.

But all the air in the world is not enough to make me okay.

This time it hurts more than it did the first time. Because then I knew he loved me, I knew him. Now, I feel like I've been used and tossed aside cruelly by someone I've never even met.

I cry and cry and cry. I sob until my voice turns muffled, my eyes puffy, and my whole body empty.

I pull my phone out of my pocket and dial Matt's number, knowing that Kai will never call him for help now.

"Selena?" I hear Matt's disoriented voice from the other end of the line. "Are you okay? Is Kai okay? Why are you calling at this hour?" He asks in a rush.

"Could you please do something for me?"

"Anything. What's wrong with your voice?" I ignore his last question.

"Please pick him up for me, will you? Kai." And then without waiting for his answer I explain to him where I left his friend and end the call before he can ask anything else.

I then turn my phone off, throw it in the backseat and start the engine again.

This time I drive home without a single tear.