Midnight Memories

Chapter 37: You Don't Have Me Anymore

"You can't blame yourself for life happening around you. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT." I put my bottle on the ground and take a step toward him.

Swallowing the tiniest pride I have left, I tell him. "I- I... I will talk to Emma. I'll ask for help. She's one of the best and she'll help us."

"Emma? You mean the woman who abandoned you, right? Your mother," The words come out harsh, but I'm sure, I know, I just know that he doesn't mean it.

I need to repeat this over and over in my head to remember because I'm so close to breaking what I've worked so hard to build just recently.

"For fuck's sake, you are stepping on your pride for me? She left you! You cut all contact with her and now you're going to beg her for a piece of shit like me? Don't you see how I've been destroying you lately?"

"You are not destroying me. You are just in pain. I get it. I'm there too." I get closer to him and place both hands over his shoulders, making him face me. "And it's okay. It's okay to feel like your world is crushing under your feet, but you need to stand back up. It's what you have to do."

"I can't do this." He mumbles shaking his head.

"We'll do it together, just...Let.Me.In." I lean into him, pressing my forehead against his, cupping his face with both hands.

"No, you don't get it. I can't do us..." My whole body goes still and my hands drop to my sides as Kai takes a step back from me.

The distance between us is still small, so why do I feel like we are miles apart right now?

"What are you saying?" I ask, my voice barely heard, because I can't believe my ears. What the actual hell is happening?

"Let's end this," he moves his hand between us, letting me know what he means. "Let's just stop."

"You don't mean this, do you?" I mumble confused as my eyes start to water. "Tell me you don't mean it."

"I can't. I'm so tired of this, of you."

I swallow, my fingers starting to move on my thighs automatically. And he sees it, the moment I go back to my insecurities.

"Just... last month we were talking about moving in together. Just weeks ago, you wanted us all the time. What happened to that?"

"Well, I've changed my mind." He says so at ease as if it's that simple.

"Just like that?"

"Just like that."

I have so many things to say, that all the words in the world are not even enough, and yet somehow I just turn speechless for a moment.

"You are pushing me away because you are scared, aren't you?" I try to think of a rational answer for this mess and don't think of anything other than this.

He's lying, he has to be. This is not him, he's doing this to push me away for some stupid reason, that I don't even get.

"Well then try again, because I'm not going to go anywhere," I tell him, with newfound self-determination.

He starts to pace, running a hand through his hair, as if the whole situation is exhausting for him, and he can't get this over with fast enough.

"That's the problem with you, you never damn listen. I'm tired of you." He says, making me small yet again. I want to crawl inside my skin and become unnoticeable.

But I keep fighting. Yeah, I still keep fucking pushing.

"Why can't we actually talk and solve the problem like we did so many times before? You've always been better at solving things than I was. So why can't you do it now? Why are you being like this?" A tear rolls down my eye, but I wipe it off immediately.