Struggle for Release

Thoughts and Concern

Just a little rant about the song. It is a very pop sounding and typical teen song, lyrically. But vocally it is really good. All the guys did an amazing job. Also The High note immediately after the bridge was by Harry but the other high notes done after that are by Zayn. Honestly according to me the live version of this song is WAAAY better than the studio version. Hope you enjoy!!!

Little rant about the photo. It was from the last concert of Where We Are tour. Zayn looks so thin. My heart can't handle it.

Liam's POV:

On 5th October,2015 we concluded our American leg of the tour as well,which meant that Where We Are tour was officially over. After each tour, we would usually miss the crowd, miss being on the tour bus and all, but this time, that was not the case. I don't know about the lads,but I for one was actually happy that the tour had ended. Nowadays things were getting way too hectic and our schedule was a bit too uptight. It was taking a toll on all of us,but mostly on Zayn. He had grown even more thin towards the end and would be very tired by the end of each concert. He could barely walk from the stadium to the waiting car. There were times when Harry would guide him towards the car because he couldn't walk there himself. It really pained us all see him like this but we really didn't know what was wrong with him, well atleast most of us. Apparently, Zayn was spending a lot of time with Harry and they both would be with each other most of the time. Also, it seems as though Harry could read Zayn's mind because just one look from Zayn and Harry would understand what he wanted. Zayn has grown really fragile and it was not just his weight that was concerning. Even doing the smallest task took a lot of effort from the lad and he would tire out easily. He had become really quite when he was with us and had stopped interacting with the fans all together. Also, it seemed as though he had the least energy on stage and there were times when he would be shaking terribly on stage. I dont know if it was from cold or from his anxiety. Nowadays he would feel very cold and would wear many layers of clothing and most of the times he would be wearing full sleeves. His anxiety had become really concerning. Just when we felt that it had hit its peak, we would be proven wrong when he would get an attack worse than the previous time. His parents and sisters were getting really worried for him.

Today was the last day we would be with each other for a while. After each tour ends, we usually go home for a week or two and we were all going home tomorrow for two weeks. When Zayn's mom had called the other day, I had requested her to talk to him these two weeks and coax the truth out of him as to what was wrong. She told that she will try her best and we all knew what that meant. Zayn was a very persistent and stubborn guy. He is...rebellious or was. Nowadays he had just given up and gave into the schedule without any complaint which was surprising. Before, he would always complain,but nowadays its as though he couldn't care less.

Right now we were all sitting in my hotel room and talking. It was late in the night but we couldn't care less. Tomorrow we had our flights in the noon and all our flights were long so we could sleep on the flight. As I was talking to Louis, Niall suddenly laughed loudly at some joke. Harry immeditely shut him down and pointed towards a tiny and thin figure. Zayn...he was sleeping. He looked so peaceful yet so worried at the same time. Even now he was wearing many layers of clothes and was curled into a ball. He was slightly pouting,but what caught my attention was that his brows were pushed down which meant that he wasn't finding peace even in his sleep. This slightly concerned me. But before I could say anything, Harry spoke up.

He spoke in a really low voice, almost a whisper, "Guys I know that it is our last day together for a while and all, but can you please speak softly. Zayn is sleeping and we shouldn't disturb him. He needs sleep and rest. He was having trouble sleeping for many days and was not able to sleep. Now after a long time, when he is finally able to sleep, we should let him sleep." As soon as the words left his mouth, Harry paled, his eyes became wide and he quietly cursed and muttered that he shouldn't have said that. My mouth formed a frown listening to what Harry said. What did he mean by he shouldn't have said that? Who was stopping him from telling us about Zayn? I had thought that Zayn's nightmares had stopped but apparently not. Why didn't he tell any of us about this? Why did he have to suffer alone. Apparently I was not the only person with these questions on my mind.

Louis asked Harry, "What do you mean by you shouldn't have said that? Also, hadn't Zayn's nightmares stopped? He still has them? Why didn't he tell us anything?"

Before Harry could answer even one question of Louis's we saw Zayn moving around in his sleep. It was as though he wasn't comfortable. Was he having a nightmare? But before I could think any further, I heard a small whimper, which if I hadn't paid attention I wouldn't have even heard. I looked down to see Zayn's lips quivering and his head was in the pillow trying to muffle his cries. I was confused. Why was he crying? All three of us were shocked and none of us knew how to react. But apparently Harry knew, because he just reached out and rubbed Zayn's back to provide him comfort and whispered things like, "You are okay" or "It's ok. Everything will be alright." I was confused as hell. What was even going on? But Zayn just shook his head and after a while, he got up. That was when I noticed that what Harry said about Zayn having trouble sleeping was absolutely true. The lad looked absolutely horrible. He had deep bags under his eyes, his eyes were bloodshot, tears trickled down his cheeks and it seemed as though his mouth was curved down in a permanent frown. He was hunching over and running his hands through his messy hair several times. After a while he started mumbling things,which we didn't understand at first. But then when I listened closely and carefully I heard that he was saying the same two words over and over again, " I'm sorry." I took his hand from his hair,held it and asked him what he meant by he was sorry.

He shook his head and said, "For everything. I know that I am causing problems for all of you. Because of me you all have one more thing to worry about. That is exactly what I am to you all: just another worry. Because of me Harry stays up late in the night. Why? Just to comfort me, because I couldn't sleep. You guys as well are worried about me because apparently I can't handle the pressure. I can't handle things properly and because of that you all are worried. My parents, sisters,family and friends are all worried because I can't be a man and solve my own problems. But guys, I don't deserve any of this. I don't  deserve your time and concern. I mean I don't even deserve being in the band. You guys can all perform but I can't. I have anxiety and issues and all I am doing is bringing you guys down. I don't even deserve your friendship. I don't deserve any of this,any of you..." He trailed off and slowly went back to his sleep.

People say that Silence is Overrated and the hotel room was a perfect example of that. Silence consumed us whole. All of our eyes were wide and our lips were parted. Some of us even has tears in our eyes. I know that we all wanted to say something, anything, but we couldn't bring ourselves to be the first person to break the silence. From the look on everyone's face I knew that we were all thinking the same thing and wanted to scream it out: What the hell just happened? None of us mustered up the courage to speak even though we all wanted to. I looked down at Zayn who was sleeping after he knocked out the sleep from all of us. That night I realised one thing:

Zayn's problem was something way bigger than we thought it was.

(A/N):Hey guys. That was the 14th chapter and honestly I don't even know what to say. Zayn's health: both physical and mental is deteriorating and fastly. His ED has nearly reached its peak and his depression is getting worse. The guys hadn't realised what was going on with him. Nobody knew except Harry who had figured it all out. God...help this lad.

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Happy reading!!! :)