Vista - Attack on Titan x Reader

CHAPTER FIFTY THREE: Moral Compass

My hearing eventually returned, but my head felt like it was about to split open.

Our mission to retrieve Eren and Historia had failed. The enemy had reinforcements fly in, and if it hadn't been for the others, the three of us would have been shot and killed. Nobody was in high spirits, of course, but I was a whole ten levels lower than they ever could have been.

I had barely uttered a word for hours, jaw clenched tight, even as I had desperately scrubbed the gore from my face and body. It was so much different to what I had imagined. Killing someone. I had dreamt of killing my father and brother for years, even my other surviving siblings and mother, but now I knew it had all been just that. Imagination.

"(Y..Y/N)..?" Jean approached the stairwell of the abandoned building I had claimed as my solitary spot, but I didn't look him in the eyes. I did, however, tilt my head a little, to let him know I was listening. "You...really saved me back there. Both of us...Are...you alright..?"

What do you think..?

Sighing slowly, I shrugged my shoulders, wincing at the throbbing pain that accompanied the movement.
"Gotta be, don't I..?" I murmured, bringing my knees up to my chin. Uninvited, Jean closed the distance between us, sitting on the opposite side of the stairs from me, the toes of our boots touching.

"No, you don't..." He replied, solemn in tone. "If I hadn't hesitated, then...you wouldn't have had to..."
"We'll all have to at some point." I spoke over the top of him, but there was no bite to my voice. I didn't have anything left in me at that moment, even if I had wanted to. "I don't regret what I did..."

Even though I wasn't looking over at him, I could tell Jean was trying to stay calm for me. Through just the toe of his boot, I could feel just how tense he really was.
"You don't regret killing someone..?" It wasn't quite in disgust, but it may as well have been. Shaking my head, the inside of my cheek was being chewed raw, my fingers locking around themselves in a pent up fidget.

"You really think I'm that heartless..? I...hate what I did. I h..hate it...but I don't regret it..." I did my best to explain, even though I was slowly starting to lose what little of my composure I had left. "You're still here, right in front of me...and Armin is still here, too...I can't regret that..."

It's a price, but I'll pay it.

Jean didn't answer for a while, watching me with his honey-toned eyes, the ones that looked so awfully familiar. Was he disgusted with me? I wouldn't have blamed him in the slightest. I was disgusted with myself.
"You saved us...me...and that means everything...but...I don't wanna see you break again, (Y/N)."

Chewing my lip, I lifted my right hand up to my face. The hand that had pulled the trigger. It trembled slightly, and I curled my fingers inward, making a clenched fist to force a stop.
"Don't worry about me. Really." It was the last thing I wanted. I had already flown of the rails before, I didn't want people to worry that it would happen again.

"Have you even cried..? I mean...I would have..." That was a lot, coming from Jean. I had witnessed his tears before, but he was never usually so open about it.
"No...not over this..." I replied softly, trying not to focus on the gargantuan lump in my throat. "Trying to hold it together, y'know?"

Shifting away from the wall, Jean dropped one of his legs down to lay across the lower steps, scooting until he was as close as he could be without having to climb into my lap. His hand rested upon my knee, and I stared at it instead of meeting his eyes.

"It's part of being human. I mean, I get it, but still..." Out of my control, my hand moved to cover his, and I closed my eyes.
"Before I was brought back to the walls, I had rarely ever been treated like an actual human. Now that I'm back, and I've seen what it's like, and what happens...I think I'd rather ditch my humanity..."